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23959
General Discussion Area / Re: Boredom Strikes Again.
« on: 01 July 2008, 23:55:01 »
A guy goes to the Doctors with a orange Kn*b:
Doctor: “Do you work with chemicals?”
Patient: ”No”
Doctor: “Do you do any heavy lifting?”
Patient: “No”
Doctor: “Then what do you do?”
Patient: “Sit at home watch porn and eat Wotsits?”
Doctor: “Do you work with chemicals?”
Patient: ”No”
Doctor: “Do you do any heavy lifting?”
Patient: “No”
Doctor: “Then what do you do?”
Patient: “Sit at home watch porn and eat Wotsits?”
23960
General Discussion Area / Re: Boredom Strikes Again.
« on: 01 July 2008, 23:53:19 »
Tesco Scam BEWARE
I don't know if you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.
I am informing you of this to warn you of something that has happened to me as I have become a victim of a very clever scam whilst out shopping.
This happened to me at Tesco's in Sussex and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two extremely good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot they both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, whilst doing so their breasts almost fall out of their skimpy T-shirts, it is impossible not to look.
When you thank the young ladies and offer them a tip for an extremely good and thoroughly enjoyable service they respectfully decline and instead ask you to give them a lift to another Tesco store, being a gentleman you agree and they get into the back seat.
On the way to the store they start having sex with each other, then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts to performs oral sex on you while the other one steals your wallet.
This is no joke I've had my wallet stolen five times in the last week.
Don't let this happen to you!
I don't know if you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.
I am informing you of this to warn you of something that has happened to me as I have become a victim of a very clever scam whilst out shopping.
This happened to me at Tesco's in Sussex and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two extremely good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot they both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, whilst doing so their breasts almost fall out of their skimpy T-shirts, it is impossible not to look.
When you thank the young ladies and offer them a tip for an extremely good and thoroughly enjoyable service they respectfully decline and instead ask you to give them a lift to another Tesco store, being a gentleman you agree and they get into the back seat.
On the way to the store they start having sex with each other, then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts to performs oral sex on you while the other one steals your wallet.
This is no joke I've had my wallet stolen five times in the last week.
Don't let this happen to you!
23961
General Discussion Area / Re: Boredom Strikes Again.
« on: 01 July 2008, 23:49:59 »
Vaseline Market Research
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
23962
General Discussion Area / Re: Boredom Strikes Again.
« on: 01 July 2008, 23:47:20 »
Beware Of The Kids.
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his Mum is cooking and says, "Mum, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of Dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother tries to recover quickly and says, "Your Dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says, "You're wasting your time. When you go to work, the lady next door comes over and blows him right back up again."
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his Mum is cooking and says, "Mum, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of Dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother tries to recover quickly and says, "Your Dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says, "You're wasting your time. When you go to work, the lady next door comes over and blows him right back up again."
23963
General Discussion Area / Re: Boredom Strikes Again.
« on: 01 July 2008, 23:44:58 »
I try. 
Often told I am very trying.
Often told I am very trying.
23964
General Discussion Area / Re: Boredom Strikes Again.
« on: 01 July 2008, 23:38:10 »
[size=12]There's one born every minute...
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the Honourable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad
told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get
his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher, they put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.
When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. ****** A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. [/size]
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the Honourable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad
told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get
his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher, they put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.
When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. ****** A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. [/size]
23965
General Discussion Area / Re: Boredom Strikes Again.
« on: 01 July 2008, 23:31:15 »
What Is Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."
23966
General Discussion Area / Re: Boredom Strikes Again.
« on: 01 July 2008, 23:28:42 »Quote
Not your best.......if you look deeply.....deeply...into the bottom of the barrel you might just see your........COAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I looked at it that way and maybe having posted my best, then once I get my coat and leave, then you would never know if I a stock of absolute crackers.
23967
General Discussion Area / Re: Boredom Strikes Again.
« on: 01 July 2008, 23:26:23 »
Two crocodiles are sunning themselves on the bank of the lake outside Australia's parliament building in Canberra. One of them is painfully thin. The other asks: "You can't be getting enough to eat. You're so thin." The first one says: "Yes. I eat every day. I hide under a car in the car-park & I wait for one of the politicians to come out to it, then I rush out, grab him by the leg, shake the sh*t out of him, drag him to the lake & then eat him." The second one says: "Well there you are. That's why you're so thin. You'll have to give up eating politicians. Once you shake the sh*t out of a politician all you're left with is an arsehole and a briefcase."
23968
General Discussion Area / Re: Boredom Strikes Again.
« on: 01 July 2008, 23:24:50 »
Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
23969
General Discussion Area / Re: Boredom Strikes Again.
« on: 01 July 2008, 23:23:44 »
The Royal Security Guard
Once upon a time, and far far away lived a Beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the royal security guard, was obsessed with the Queen's breasts, but knew that the penalty for ever acting on his desire would be death.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to Horatio who was the king's chief Physician. Horatio the Physician, said that he could arrange for Nick the royal security guard, to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins.
Without pause, Nick the royal security guard, readily agreed to the terms.
The next day, Horatio the Physician, made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician, informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the royal security guard, would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the royal security guard. Horatio the Physician, then slipped Nick the royal security guard, the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth.
For the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the royal security guard, left not only satisfied, but touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the royal security guard, found Horatio the Physician, demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the royal security guard realized that Horatio the Physician, could never report this matter to the King, and so with a laugh, he told Horatio to take a hike.
The next day, Horatio the Physician, slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick the royal security guard.
Once upon a time, and far far away lived a Beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the royal security guard, was obsessed with the Queen's breasts, but knew that the penalty for ever acting on his desire would be death.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to Horatio who was the king's chief Physician. Horatio the Physician, said that he could arrange for Nick the royal security guard, to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins.
Without pause, Nick the royal security guard, readily agreed to the terms.
The next day, Horatio the Physician, made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician, informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the royal security guard, would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the royal security guard. Horatio the Physician, then slipped Nick the royal security guard, the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth.
For the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the royal security guard, left not only satisfied, but touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the royal security guard, found Horatio the Physician, demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the royal security guard realized that Horatio the Physician, could never report this matter to the King, and so with a laugh, he told Horatio to take a hike.
The next day, Horatio the Physician, slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick the royal security guard.
23970
General Discussion Area / Re: Boredom Strikes Again.
« on: 01 July 2008, 23:20:27 »
A man was coming home from work one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked him what was wrong. The cop said, "We are in a crisis situation. Gordon Brown is in the road very upset. He does not have the £10 billion needed to fill his black hole, and everyone hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in petrol and start a fire." The man asked the police officer exactly what he was doing there." The bobby said, " I feel sorry for the Chancellor so I am going car to car asking for donations." The man asked, "How much do you have so far?" The bobby replied, "Well as of right now only 99 litres, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"