Omega Owners Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

News:

Please check the Forum Guidelines at the top of the Newbie section

Pages: 1 ... 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 [61]   Go Down

Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 122962 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

deviator

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Chesterfield
  • Posts: 835
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #900 on: 09 March 2018, 14:22:23 »

I was at the zoo the other day and I saw a bagette in a cage. I stopped a member of staff to ask what it was all about, she explained it was 'Bread in captivity'.
Logged
FCR and cam lock off kit available. Deposit maybe required. Contact me.

ronnyd

  • Omega Baron
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Bury St Edmunds Suffolk
  • Posts: 3965
    • 51 CDX 2.2 saloon gold
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #901 on: 10 March 2018, 19:24:29 »

I was at the zoo the other day and I saw a bagette in a cage. I stopped a member of staff to ask what it was all about, she explained it was 'Bread in captivity'.
Quite liked that  ;D
Logged

Mister Rog

  • Omega Baron
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Wales
  • Posts: 2115
    • Volvo XC70
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #902 on: 12 March 2018, 23:44:59 »


Apologies in advance  . . . . .  ::)     :-X     :-X

Nicked from another forum


The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Now let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!


Logged
“The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.” Billy Connolly

deviator

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Chesterfield
  • Posts: 835
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #903 on: 14 March 2018, 13:30:48 »

Given recent posts, now is probably (not) the time to post this.....

The wife said to me last night, 'You're not listening are you?'
I thought that's a strange way to start a conversation.
Logged
FCR and cam lock off kit available. Deposit maybe required. Contact me.

Shackeng

  • Omega Lord
  • *******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Ramsbury
  • Posts: 6789
    • 3.2 Elite 2.0 TitX Mondeo
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #904 on: 14 March 2018, 19:12:34 »

Given recent posts, now is probably (not) the time to post this.....

The wife said to me last night, 'You're not listening are you?'
I thought that's a strange way to start a conversation.

Deja-vu all over again. :y
Logged

Varche

  • Omega Queen
  • ********
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • middle of Andalucia
  • Posts: 10477
  • Emeritus Omega owner, found it
    • Golf Est,4x4 bus,Corsa1.2
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #905 on: 17 May 2018, 19:21:05 »

THESE DAYS ARE  COMING? A Group of Old Boys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because the waitresses had big tits and wore mini-skirts.     Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.      Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.     Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should  meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a loo for the disabled.     Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.   Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because they had never been there before.
 
Logged
My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Shackeng

  • Omega Lord
  • *******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Ramsbury
  • Posts: 6789
    • 3.2 Elite 2.0 TitX Mondeo
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #906 on: 18 May 2018, 15:41:02 »


I think I might have screwed up. Several of us local retired pilots were asked to address a junior high gathering put on by the PTA.  I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage to myself.  I talked about staying in school, getting good grades, and all that usual bullshit; and since I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions.
The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?”
 
I said, “That's an easy one. Looking back over my 8 decades, I believe I've spent close to 90% of my earnings on booze and whores. The rest I just wasted."
 
I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:
 
1) If it flies, floats, or f**ks, it's cheaper to rent it.
 
2) If it's got tits or tires, you're gonna have problems with it.
 
I hope they invite me back next year, so I can finish.
 
They need to know this stuff!
Logged

Shackeng

  • Omega Lord
  • *******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Ramsbury
  • Posts: 6789
    • 3.2 Elite 2.0 TitX Mondeo
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #907 on: 07 June 2018, 15:33:22 »

The blonde was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to her car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Yes", answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me; I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.

My problem is that I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already, so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.

Could you possibly take them to the Zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified to see the blonde, walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes, the trucker pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the Zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."
Logged

New POD

  • Intermediate Member
  • ***
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Miseryside
  • Posts: 282
    • NEED MV6
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #908 on: 07 June 2018, 21:53:03 »


Apologies in advance  . . . . .  ::)     :-X     :-X

Nicked from another forum


The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football,


 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!

Bludy insulting is what it is.
Logged

Mr Skrunts

  • Over Active Thyroid
  • *********
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Skruntie Land.
  • Posts: 23724
  • 3.O Elite Saloon with all the toys,
    • 1999 (T) Omega Elite 3.0
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #909 on: 09 June 2018, 03:12:28 »

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
Logged
Ask yourself :  " WHY do I believe what I believe?"

Remember that my opinions expressed here are not representative of the opinions of other members on the OOF Forum.

Shackeng

  • Omega Lord
  • *******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Ramsbury
  • Posts: 6789
    • 3.2 Elite 2.0 TitX Mondeo
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #910 on: 09 June 2018, 12:03:41 »

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

 ;D ;D ;D
Logged

Varche

  • Omega Queen
  • ********
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • middle of Andalucia
  • Posts: 10477
  • Emeritus Omega owner, found it
    • Golf Est,4x4 bus,Corsa1.2
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #911 on: 10 June 2018, 15:03:25 »

-On being told that someone has purchased a new car, women ask what color it is. Men ask what the make and model are.

-Men have no opinions whatsoever on curtains.

-Ask for directions from a woman out and about, and she will give you landmarks by shopping stores. Men will give you landmarks by restaurants and pubs.

-Men appreciate the importance of a 42-inch plasma screen.

-Women can use love making to get what they want. Men can’t because, well, what they want is love making.

-Men speak in sentences. Women speak in paragraphs.

-At weddings, women cry and then drink too much. Men drink too much and then cry.-Men can balance an infinite amount of rubbish in the dustbin can without ever noticing it’s full.

-Women know when all you want to do is get it off your shoulders and whine. Men always offer a solution.

-Women enjoy planning a wedding. Men enjoy just getting it over with.

-Women know what to do when someone starts to cry. Men just shuffle out of the room, mumbling something about the grouting.

-Men can watch an entire movie without having to ask: ‘Who is that, and what did he do?’

-A man can choose and purchase – in 90 seconds – a pair of shoes.

-Women can remember every outfit they wore for the past decade. Men cannot remember what they wore yesterday without looking at the floor next to the bed.
Logged
My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Varche

  • Omega Queen
  • ********
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • middle of Andalucia
  • Posts: 10477
  • Emeritus Omega owner, found it
    • Golf Est,4x4 bus,Corsa1.2
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #912 on: 14 June 2018, 14:27:42 »

AAADD

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
there's a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
there's still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....
Logged
My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Varche

  • Omega Queen
  • ********
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • middle of Andalucia
  • Posts: 10477
  • Emeritus Omega owner, found it
    • Golf Est,4x4 bus,Corsa1.2
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #913 on: 29 June 2018, 10:11:36 »

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of
clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his
entire life."

"Where's President Trump’s clock?" asked the man.

St. Peter said "Trump’s clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a
ceiling fan."
Logged
My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?
Pages: 1 ... 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 [61]   Go Up
 

Page created in 0.094 seconds with 17 queries.