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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470499 times)

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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #630 on: 14 December 2014, 17:57:36 »

Subject:  Police Harassment


Hard to argue with facts...


Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum
with the local community (a question and answer exchange) with the topic
being, "Community Policing."

One of the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question:

QUESTION: "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to
continually harass people and get away with it?"

From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a
cop with a sense of humor, replied:

ANSWER:

"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista, we
average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on
general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of
our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow
them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only
one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing
people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for
harassing about 5,000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract
people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop
is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop
one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to
eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task.
To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It
is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down
those people which we can realistically harass."

The tools available to us are as follow:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on
a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code
phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special
harassment.

Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment
team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to
harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's
licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic
for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have
drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer.
Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the
scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours to
determine why they didn't want to talk to us.

STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do,
there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks.
They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc...They
all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.
After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you
find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them.

"Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book
we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass
this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty
well.

We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away
with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep
the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.

Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave."
That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me." It's one
of our favorites.

Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better how we harass
the good citizens of Chula Vista."
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #631 on: 18 December 2014, 22:04:14 »

Two dyslexic skiers were at the top of the piste.
One says let's zig zag down.
The other says it's not zig zag, it's zag zig.
They argue for a while then decide to settle the argument by asking a nearby man on a sledge.
So they ask him is it zig zag or zag zig?
He says Don't ask me, I'm a tobogganist

In that case, they say, we'll have 20 silk cut and a lighter
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Entwood

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Christmas Parrot
« Reply #632 on: 22 December 2014, 20:36:19 »

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed, then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.












As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did wrong?"

 ;D
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #633 on: 22 December 2014, 21:16:35 »

 ;D ;D ;D
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #634 on: 28 December 2014, 11:57:19 »

An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.     

    While eating breakfast with the crew in enlisted mess, he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every  biscuit.     

    He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done so it could be used on other ships under his command.     

    The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you,  Admiral.  After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here  against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia".     

    Horrified the Admiral exclaims,  "That's very unhygienic!"     

    The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
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scimmy_man

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #635 on: 12 January 2015, 15:37:59 »

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The
lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of
them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40
acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'
The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No,
I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said, 'Yes,
I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said,
'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The
lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little
white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a
dayvorce.'
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #636 on: 27 January 2015, 12:36:22 »

A husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband:  I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or trousers. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my car.
Sergeant: What kind of car is it?
Husband: 1999 MFL Omega with full Irmscher bodykit in black. Got Michelin Primacy HP tyres on softstars, boot spoiler and Elite spec though it has MV6 seats and the rear blind doesn't work. I think it is the relay. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry mate. We’ll find your Omega.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #637 on: 07 February 2015, 13:19:44 »

This is actually a Spanish joke but even when translated is funny.

Sorry for my rubbish translation but this made my spanish family laugh (it was funnier in Spanish ):

Merkel, Hollande and Rajoy all mysteriously die on the same day. They turn up on the doorstep of hell to be met by a man dressed in red holding a toasting folk. He says
“Welcome to hell. Before you go in I can give you one last wish”

Merkel asks if she can call Germany and have a final check all is going well. She calls and chats for just 2 minutes (German efficiency) then hangs up. The devil says that will be 25 Euros. Merkel takes the money from her handbag and pays.

Hollande thinks if Merkel is doing that I better do the same. She always was better at ideas than me. So he calls France and after 3 minutes hangs up. The devil demands 35 Euros. Hollande visits all his pockets and eventually gathers the required payment.

Rajoy sees this and equally asks to call spain. Due to delays getting put through to the right people, satisfying them he really is Rajoy, delays while people return from siesta, and the reluctance of anyone in Madrid to answer a simple question he ends up on the phone for 3 hours.

When he eventually hangs up the devil demands 25 centimos. Rajoy is confused, “Why so little compared to the others?”

The devil sighs. “Well with the unemployment, corruption, lack of justice, kings shooting elephants, princesses in jail, ghost airports, over a million empty properties, lack of ideas, …………. Your country is a living hell. And hell to hell calls are charged at local rates.
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #638 on: 08 February 2015, 09:18:48 »

This is actually a Spanish joke but even when translated is funny.

Sorry for my rubbish translation but this made my spanish family laugh (it was funnier in Spanish ):

Merkel, Hollande and Rajoy all mysteriously die on the same day. They turn up on the doorstep of hell to be met by a man dressed in red holding a toasting folk. He says
“Welcome to hell. Before you go in I can give you one last wish”

Merkel asks if she can call Germany and have a final check all is going well. She calls and chats for just 2 minutes (German efficiency) then hangs up. The devil says that will be 25 Euros. Merkel takes the money from her handbag and pays.

Hollande thinks if Merkel is doing that I better do the same. She always was better at ideas than me. So he calls France and after 3 minutes hangs up. The devil demands 35 Euros. Hollande visits all his pockets and eventually gathers the required payment.

Rajoy sees this and equally asks to call spain. Due to delays getting put through to the right people, satisfying them he really is Rajoy, delays while people return from siesta, and the reluctance of anyone in Madrid to answer a simple question he ends up on the phone for 3 hours.

When he eventually hangs up the devil demands 25 centimos. Rajoy is confused, “Why so little compared to the others?”

The devil sighs. “Well with the unemployment, corruption, lack of justice, kings shooting elephants, princesses in jail, ghost airports, over a million empty properties, lack of ideas, …………. Your country is a living hell. And hell to hell calls are charged at local rates.

Excellent ;D ;D ;D :y :y :y
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henryd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #639 on: 13 February 2015, 13:24:45 »


 A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more..'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
 
 ::)
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henryd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #640 on: 13 February 2015, 13:26:52 »

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
“They don't like that in heaven”,said God.
The woman replied: “They're not too happy about it in  Harrods either!”

 
 
 
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #641 on: 17 February 2015, 12:30:45 »

Liam Neeson has signed on for the fourth film in the franchise. This time he helps his daughter move house, drives her round the city, helps pay for her holiday and she doesnt even thank him.

Taken 4: Granted

Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #642 on: 24 February 2015, 22:11:43 »

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation and their Catera Utes.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there

'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #643 on: 11 March 2015, 11:45:38 »

Sex Insurance: Make sure you have appropriate cover.  Here's a list of companies that cover most tastes and eventualities!  ;)

  • Sex with your wife :- Legal & General
  • Telephone sex :- Direct Line
  • Sex with your partner :- Standard Life
  • Sex with someone different :- Go Compare
  • Sex for larger people:- More Than
  • Sex in a car :- Sheila's Wheels
  • Sex with a posh bird :- Privileged
  • Sex with an OAP :- SAGA
  • Sex with a transvestite :- Confused.com
  • Premature ejaculation cover :- Swift Cover
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #644 on: 11 March 2015, 16:14:26 »

Brilliant !!
 :y  :y  :y  :y
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