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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470790 times)

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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #390 on: 10 February 2013, 21:50:19 »

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."
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Politically homeless ......

Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #391 on: 12 February 2013, 12:18:43 »

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. 'What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ‘ England ’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it, full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water. It’s an environment protection initiative."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, Sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Anti-discrimination requirements, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled....."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
 
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats.
And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt; haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety again! Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: “”As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now to be encouraged  sir."

Nelson: "In that case. kiss me, Hardy."


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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #392 on: 12 February 2013, 12:31:23 »

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.



As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.



The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.



As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.



Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."



The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr. Cameron?"



Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
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albitz

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #393 on: 12 February 2013, 17:33:37 »

Both brilliant. :y ;D ;D
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ozzycat

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #394 on: 12 February 2013, 23:29:42 »

yes got to agree both brill :D :D :D :D :D :D
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #395 on: 12 February 2013, 23:34:39 »

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.



As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.



The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.



As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.



Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."



The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr. Cameron?"



Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

 ;D ;D ;D
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #396 on: 13 February 2013, 13:48:43 »

The Vatican are organizing a leaving collection for the outgoing Pope.

Donations can be made via Papal.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #397 on: 14 February 2013, 10:24:06 »

Investigators looking into the on-going horsemeat in beef products scandal believe they may have traced the cause of the problem to a short-sighted farmer in Tipperary who was found to have a significant percentage of horses in his herd of ‘cows’.

David O’Neill, 72, was shocked when it was pointed out to him that over half of the animals that he was milking and subsequently selling as beef were actually horses. He insisted that he has never had a problem before but admitted that he did have his suspicions that something was not quite right.

‘I’ve had this farm for over forty years and all of my cows have always been cows before now,’ said O’Neill. ‘My eyesight isn’t quite what it was when I was younger, though, and I suppose I could have mistaken a few dozen here and there. It would certainly explain why some of the ones I’ve had lately have been more distressed than usual when it comes to milking time.’

O’Neill is blaming the mix-up on ‘unscrupulous dealers taking advantage of the elderly’ and has urged all other farmers in the Tipperary region to check their stocks carefully. After a thorough investigation, his own dairy herd was found to comprise 66 horses, 41 cows, two donkeys, a St Bernard and a solid oak table.

‘Through cataracts everything is kind of blurry so you’re working on trust quite a lot I suppose. I’ve dealt with the same guys for years so as long as I could make out that what I was buying had four legs and was about the right size I thought everything was OK and I never expected them to con me like this. That one cow was always a bugger to get in for milking, it actually being a table explains a lot.’

In light of the investigators’ findings, an urgent product recall has now been issued on all Tesco value burgers, 25,000 packs of Findus lasagne and over 100 gallons of ‘milk’.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #398 on: 14 February 2013, 13:17:23 »

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town.

From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.

The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family.

In my young mind, he had a special niche.

My parents were complementary instructors:

Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.

But the stranger... he was our storyteller.

He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures,
mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future!

He took my family to the first major football game.

He made me laugh, and he made me cry.

The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.

(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.

Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors.

Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.

He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.

He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex.

His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing..

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger.

Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked ... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family.

He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.

Still, if you could walk into my parents' lounge today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.




His name?....

We just call him 'TV'.


(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)

He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'

Their first child is "Cell Phone."

Second child "I Pod.”

And MOST RECENTLY BORN WAS a Grandchild: “IPAD.”

OH MY----HOW TRUE THIS IS!!!
The scary part is how fertile they are and the gestation period for the next
intrusions are getting shorter and shorter!!!
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #399 on: 14 February 2013, 19:18:58 »

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

I was planting potatoes. Suddenly she was standing there with her knickers round her ankles
I hastily spoke, "sorry you misheard, I said I was desparate for a fork"

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scimmy_man

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #400 on: 15 February 2013, 16:50:14 »

While attending a harmony for couples weekend, Dave and his Partner, June, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower ?"
Dave leaned over, touched June's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?"

........ Thus began Dave's life of celibacy............!
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scimmy_man

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #401 on: 15 February 2013, 16:50:49 »

The Vatican has said the Pope has resigned because he no longer has the strength to carry out his duties

OK fair enough

At his age it cant be easy holding down a struggling 10 year old boy
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #402 on: 18 February 2013, 15:55:29 »

I just tried to book my car into Kevin Websters garage.
 No joy. He said that he wouldn't touch anything over 10 years old
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #403 on: 19 February 2013, 15:45:40 »

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

    The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.' The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
    The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.
    The third interview was with a old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

 
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dbug

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Dyslexia
« Reply #404 on: 19 February 2013, 22:11:18 »

I have sexdaily.  :y
I mean, dyslexia!  :(
Fcuk :o
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