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Please play nicely.  No one wants to listen/read a keyboard warriors rants....

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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 471049 times)

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Terbs

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #405 on: 22 February 2013, 12:20:46 »

Geography....................

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #406 on: 22 February 2013, 14:57:11 »

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “,.... DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
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Terbs

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #407 on: 22 February 2013, 17:03:09 »

Like it Varche..... ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Terbs

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #408 on: 22 February 2013, 19:23:24 »


Criminal goes missing.......

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #409 on: 23 February 2013, 14:40:33 »

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Sure now, we only have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #410 on: 28 February 2013, 10:18:33 »

A refuse collector , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.. "No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #411 on: 28 February 2013, 10:20:57 »

Murray feared his wife Ann wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Ann, what's for dinner?' Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response..

So he walks right up behind her. 'Ann darling, what's for dinner?'

'For God's sake, Murray , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
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Terbs

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #412 on: 05 March 2013, 19:35:59 »

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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mantahatch

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #413 on: 07 March 2013, 11:01:45 »

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.


A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all kicked off!


Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"


Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don't think it's in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that's the one!"
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #414 on: 08 March 2013, 11:50:01 »

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
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Crazycarzowner

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #415 on: 14 March 2013, 21:28:12 »


    It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around.

    St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks.

    "What's up with those clocks, Peter?"

    "Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."

    The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock.

    The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate.

    "What's the story with that clock?"

    "Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's David Cameron's. We decided to use it as a fan."
   
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SteveAvfc.

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #416 on: 15 March 2013, 04:43:43 »

So, Pope Francis only has one lung.

He may not be able to give a very powerful public address, but at least the choir boys can outrun him.  ;D ;D
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #417 on: 19 March 2013, 08:28:01 »

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #418 on: 21 March 2013, 16:36:38 »

In thh Guardian on UK budget day.

Barclays announces £38.5m bonuses on budget day

Bank awards its investment bank chief Rich Ricci £17.5m of shares – which he immediately cashes in

(I read somewhere that he has had that much flack he named one of his horses whoisthefatcatinthehat?   ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #419 on: 22 March 2013, 20:10:36 »

During sex you burn as many calories as a 5 mile run.
Who the hell can run 5 miles in 80 seconds ;D
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