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[Varche]

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only £40,000″ the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, “By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.” he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend!!

[Varche]

You could never hold an F1 Grand Prix in Ireland.

 As soon as the flag goes down, there'd be a riot.

[acope]

 
 
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

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7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year’s Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturer’s Warranty Runs Out Soon

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2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma…
the other's got a dodgy tikka!

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The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

----------------------------

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

-------------------------------

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth

[Varche]

You've got to love the Irish Mammy!

Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.



So he sat down and wrote



DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING
EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?

LOVE PADDY



Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!

LOVE MAM.

[Varche]

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
· All of your friends have an @ in their names.
· Your dog has its own home page.
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have Skype.
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the toilet and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install Skype so the two of you can chat.

[Nickbat]

Went into Tesco's cafe the other day.

Girl said "Do you want something on your burger?"

I said, "Yes, please, a fiver each way".

 

[Varche]

Went into Tesco's cafe the other day.

Girl said "Do you want something on your burger?"

I said, "Yes, please, a fiver each way".

 

It is nice to see David Dimbleby browses the forum. He used your excellent joke last night on Question time!

[Varche]

Burger anyone?

Reading the label on these Tesco burgers.... it turns out they're fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar

New range of burger elsewhere too - my Lidl Pony

Had a burger last night from Tesco's - gave me the trots

Bought some value hamburgers from Tesco last night, put them in the fridge, and they're off....

Despite the recent news, Tesco's say that their beef burger sales remain stable.

I've got no problem with Tesco burgers, it's the quarter pandas that worry me

I was in a Tesco cafe the other day. The waitress asked if I wanted anything on my burger. I said £5 each way.

I can't believe this has been allowed to happen. I think it's time someone new took the reins at Tesco.

It's been tough working on the meat counter in Tesco this week....I feel like I'm a flogging a dead horse

Horse meat in Tesco burgers......what's the odds on that

Just been shopping in Tesco got a bottle of Bacardi, bottle of Lambs, and some burgers......so thats white rum, navy rum and red rum

Had some burgers from Tesco for tea last night.....still got a bit between my teeth

Tesco have launched a new bap to go with their burgers .....thorough bread.

I don't know what all the fuss is about, I had one of those burgers and it was just Champion!

[Sir Tigger KC]

I didn't fancy buying my burgers in Tesco today, so I thought I'd go to Waitrose and try their venison burgers instead.  Trouble was they were dead deer..... 

[Varche]

Some one liners

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
    Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
    When chemists die, they barium.
    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
    PMS jokes aren't funny; period...
    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
    We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
    Broken pencils are pointless.
    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.
    Velcro - what a rip off!

[Radar]

Tesco are giving triple clubcard points on all purchases of petrol and burgers from Monday ....

The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses!!

[mindaz]

Why Drink and Drive, when you can Smoke and Fly! 

[mantahatch]

One bloke says to his friend, I am thinking of getting a strobe light installed in the bedroom. At least then it would look like my wife is moving when we have sex.

[Elite Pete]

Newsflash: the Irish SAS have parachuted into a zoo in Algeria and released all the ostriches!

[Varche]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.