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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470381 times)

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #750 on: 20 July 2016, 18:48:12 »

Why some things are the way they are:

I can make no claim to these but I thought they were interesting. Please excuse the weird settings and punctuation.

1… Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
BECAUSE:
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left.  Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right!   And that's where women's buttons have remained since. 
 


2.... Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
BECAUSE:
This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' - and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.' 
  


3.... 
Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
BECAUSE:
In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'the egg.'   When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (naturally), mispronounced it 'love.' 



4.... 
Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

BECAUSE:
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous. 
 


5... 
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?

BECAUSE: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal.  If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player. 
 


6… 
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
BECAUSE:
In earlier times it used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink.  To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host.  Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own. 
  


7… Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?

BECAUSE: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the Centre of attention. 



8... Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?

BECAUSE: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares. 



9… Why In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?

BECAUSE:
 When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment.  To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.  Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her.  In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day' and the Scots changed it into caddie. 
  


10… Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?
 BECAUSE: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.'  When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig.  And it caught on.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #751 on: 25 July 2016, 14:37:29 »

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"

The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."

The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"

The second responds, "God told me I was."

At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #752 on: 29 July 2016, 08:50:19 »

Mr Tickle wanted to get married, but his girlfriend Tess didn't fancy taking on his surname.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #753 on: 30 July 2016, 19:47:15 »

You know you're getting old when,

1. can't read any more without reading glasses.
2. you disapprove of the clothing young people wear, and their music, too
3. you are stunned when a young person says Who are the Beatles?
4. someone calls you ma'am or sir
5. the doctor/police officer/etc. look too young to be qualified to do these jobs
6. you wish you had not thrown out your old toys, clothes, etc. as they are now worth money.
7. you are done for the night by 10 pm at the latest
8. (for women) you find yourself shopping for sensible clothes instead of fashionable clothes.
9. Someone calls you an old fart!
10. You can't remember what you said to someone yesterday, but you can remember television commercial jingles from the 1980's
11. you're still tired even though you've slept 12 hours
12. you say, kids today
13. you have more medicine and tablets in the cupboard than the local chemist.
14. You say they don't make shows like that any more.
15. You remember when WIRELESS meant a radio and had nothing to do with internet connections.
16. Had to go into the hallway to use the house phone, cordless phones didn't exist.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #754 on: 02 August 2016, 09:17:33 »

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.

My heart was beating so fast and the expectation was unbearable.

It seemed to take for ever but eventually there she was stood beside me.

I gave her a cheeky wink and said get that trolley over here they are doing 3 packs of Stella for the price of 2
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #755 on: 12 August 2016, 11:44:57 »

 A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.

     

    Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

     

    Awakening from the anaesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the  surgeon.

     

    "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone  about my operation".

     

    The surgeon told her he had carried out her  wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt  so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

     

    "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the  surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

     

    "And what about the third rose?" she asked.

     

    "That's from a man in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #756 on: 12 August 2016, 12:15:32 »

 ;D ;D ;D
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #757 on: 13 August 2016, 11:14:06 »

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called: "e by gum"


A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi me."


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Da ya want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "Naw, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"


The last is always the best ...........
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies, "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #758 on: 15 August 2016, 14:53:26 »


For all the SWMBOs out there . . . . . .  :-X

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #759 on: 20 August 2016, 04:21:04 »



I decided to change my email password, I reckoned I had just the right one one and typed "Mypeni5".
All I got back was "Error, not long enough".
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #760 on: 20 August 2016, 12:48:05 »

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic..
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
An Arse Hole is usually in charge
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #761 on: 20 August 2016, 17:24:29 »

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

For £100, the cabbie agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe up to the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts:
'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Chelsea season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?


The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #762 on: 22 August 2016, 23:17:59 »

A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife’s temper.
The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”
The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The man says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.” :)


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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #763 on: 27 August 2016, 11:04:02 »

An Israeli doctor says:
" In Israel medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work!"

The German doctor says:
" That's nothing!  In Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man and in 4 weeks he is looking for work!"

The Russian doctor says:
" Gentlemen, in Russia we take half a heart from a man, put it in another man and in 2 weeks he is looking for work!"

The Scottish doctor laughs and says:
" You are all behind us!  21 months ago we took a woman with no brains and no heart, and made her First Minister of Scotland.  She's making a complete balls up of it and now the whole of Scotland is looking for work!"
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #764 on: 05 September 2016, 10:57:33 »

Why OOF old farts struggle with job interviews:



Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Fart : "Honesty!"

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Fart : "I don't give a toss what you think."


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