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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 98128 times)

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Johnny English

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #30 on: 02 April 2012, 22:35:30 »

A farmer in Essex has successfully grown a field of dildos.
Unfortunately he's having trouble with squatters. ::)

And the award for the oldest essex joke of the year goes to.......

 ;)

The oldest for you mate but the newest for me!   ;) :y
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The Sensitive Man
« Reply #31 on: 03 April 2012, 00:23:34 »


A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!  Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
 ::) ::)
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Same Sex marriage
« Reply #32 on: 03 April 2012, 00:32:14 »


Michael and Gary married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mum and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.
   
In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Michael and Gary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His Mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!  Just go to school.'
   
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mum, 'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His Mum replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
 
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
His Mum says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His Mum replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
 
     
 
He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think....I gave him my aeroplane glue.'

 :o :o

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Lampynoiseboy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #33 on: 03 April 2012, 20:15:28 »

Paddy takes Mick back to his new flat late one night to show him around

Mick sees a large gong on the wall & says "what's that for Paddy?"

"it's my speaking clock" replies Paddy

"how's that work then?" asks Mick

Paddy picks up a baseball bat, and strikes the gong with all his might & a voice yells from the flat next door......

"For f*cks sake you c*nt, it's 2:30 in the morning!!"
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SIR Philbutt

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #34 on: 04 April 2012, 21:47:53 »

Cursor Thief

WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING, PLACE YOUR CURSOR ABOUT 1/2 INCH ABOVE HIS HEAD. WEIRD....
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html
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Lampynoiseboy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #35 on: 04 April 2012, 21:54:20 »

Cursor Thief

WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING, PLACE YOUR CURSOR ABOUT 1/2 INCH ABOVE HIS HEAD. WEIRD....
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html

Brilliant
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SIR Philbutt

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #36 on: 05 April 2012, 14:37:27 »

Cursor Thief

WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING, PLACE YOUR CURSOR ABOUT 1/2 INCH ABOVE HIS HEAD. WEIRD....
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html

Brilliant
TA, Even more here http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com
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Nickbat

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #37 on: 05 April 2012, 16:20:02 »

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Dishevelled Den

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Re: The Sensitive Man
« Reply #38 on: 06 April 2012, 09:26:05 »


A woman meets a man in a bar//...



 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D - Splendid. :y
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cleggy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #39 on: 06 April 2012, 10:54:46 »

A chap aged 89 told me this in the supermarket this morning, made me laugh:-

Hickory Dickory Dock
The mouse ran up the clock.
The mouse came down,
It's arse was brown.
And so was the cockoo's cock.
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Lampynoiseboy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #40 on: 06 April 2012, 11:00:11 »

Hickory dickory dock
The mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one.....







and the rest escaped with minor injuries.
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jonnycool

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #41 on: 06 April 2012, 18:32:38 »

Try this one!

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/crossroads/

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Took me a while to find out what to do there  ;D ;D ;D
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #42 on: 07 April 2012, 12:04:42 »

Can you believe it?

The Inland Revenue have sent my income tax return back to me!
 
In response to question #4, "Do you have any dependants?"

I replied: "2.1 million illegal immigrants and asylum seekers, 1.1 million crack heads, 3 million unemployable people, 80,000 odd prisoners, and 650 idiots in Parliament.
 
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Who the hell did I miss?  ::)
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SIR Philbutt

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #43 on: 07 April 2012, 12:46:42 »

Grandma's  ::)

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #44 on: 07 April 2012, 13:10:15 »

 A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why do you think that ?" he said. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".
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