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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 102436 times)

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geoffr70

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #60 on: 21 April 2012, 13:48:45 »

Knock knock

Who's there?

I-diddup
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mantahatch

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #61 on: 24 April 2012, 11:20:05 »


Checking  out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags in future because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The cashier  responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right --  our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the store. The  store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. 
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the  size of the county of Yorkshire . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.  Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country.  We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didnít expect that to be bucked by flying it thousands of air miles around the world.  We actually cooked food that didnít come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad. 
But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.
Remember:  Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off...

 

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SIR Philbutt

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #62 on: 24 April 2012, 23:43:19 »

I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
 

 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!".
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
 
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
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SIR Philbutt

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #63 on: 24 April 2012, 23:45:15 »

This guy is 72years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'    Pick me up, then kiss me;
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because
I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts?  Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah.  At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.
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The Red Baron

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #64 on: 25 April 2012, 00:06:42 »

i like that one.  ^^^^^  ;D ;D
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #65 on: 01 May 2012, 00:45:48 »

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe.' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad.' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the  doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on  Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my  wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right,  I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so  that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctorís office, his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up.'
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farty_towels

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #66 on: 01 May 2012, 01:45:41 »

1.  Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2.  Phone answering machine message - '..If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 .  A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'  The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8.  I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.  Police say that he topped himself.

11.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.  Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12.  'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'.  'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'  'Is it common?'  'It's not  unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'  'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?  Because he's cross-eyed?'  'No, because he's  really heavy'.

14.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15.  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'  I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But I think it's Colin.

17. Two  fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat git!'

18.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.  The doctor said, 'Well don't go to those places anymore!

21.  Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.  Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Plomien

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #67 on: 02 May 2012, 14:04:54 »

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.

...They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #68 on: 03 May 2012, 14:18:37 »

    A driver is stuck in a monster traffic jam on the M25 outside London,

    Nothing is moving.   Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.

    The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

    "Terrorists have kidnapped all the Members of Parliament and they're asking for a £100 million ransom!

    Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

    "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

    "Roughly a gallon."
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Lampynoiseboy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #69 on: 05 May 2012, 02:11:21 »

    A driver is stuck in a monster traffic jam on the M25 outside London,

    Nothing is moving.   Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.

    The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

    "Terrorists have kidnapped all the Members of Parliament and they're asking for a £100 million ransom!

    Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

    "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

    "Roughly a gallon."

I'd steal a tanker to donate for that!  :y :y
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Nickbat

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #70 on: 09 May 2012, 20:51:24 »

Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape, but she got very pi**ed off when I started holding auditions for her part. ;) ;D
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #71 on: 10 May 2012, 11:19:06 »

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for a pound a hole?"

The first man said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second man won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the eighteenth, the second guy was busy counting his money. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the local vicar.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The vicar said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The vicar said, "Well, you could come to church on Sunday and make a donation... And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Nickbat

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #72 on: 11 May 2012, 10:51:33 »

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up !" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington



 ;) ;D
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blackviper90210

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #73 on: 11 May 2012, 14:05:50 »

If riots ever break out again the government should just announce a public sector pay cut.

It's the only way that you can get thirty thousand police officers to get off their arses and onto the streets of London.   
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #74 on: 14 May 2012, 13:48:19 »


The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package//.....



 ;) ;D


 ;D ;D ;D Splendid - that one is in the top ten. 8) :y
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