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676

General Discussion Area / Fancy dress party

« on: 24 September 2010, 16:49:48 »

 


A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.   

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.   

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to
take
some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled
by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went..   

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it
was still early, decided to go to the party.   

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some
fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. 

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice' chick' he could and copping
a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in
the back seat.   

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the
costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind
of time he had.

'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there.'   

Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I
met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and
played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.   
To which the husband replied,
'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad   ....  apparently he had the time of
his life
 

 

677

General Discussion Area / Where is God?

« on: 24 September 2010, 17:00:33 »

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents
know if any mischief occurs in their town,
the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town
had been successful in disciplining children,
so she asked if he  would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning,
with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?! 
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. 
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room,
ran directly home & dived into his closet,
slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

678

General Discussion Area / Note for DLK

« on: 23 September 2010, 16:08:33 »

My local branch of Halfords has a section devoted to 'Pink Parts', which may be of interest. ( I tried to take a pic with my 'new' hand-me-up i-phone, but just got a pic of a pink thumb, appropriate I suppose).

679

General Discussion Area / B******d companies

« on: 19 September 2010, 08:47:12 »

Son got married yesterday, a fabulous day, marred only by the fact that the company paid a lot of money, to decorate chairs and tables with the colour motif agonised over by the bride for months and eventually chosen, not only failed to deliver the said colour motifs, but just dumped the chair covers at the hotel leaving someone else to do the dressing.

Fortunately everything else went well and everyone enjoyed themselves. But son desperately phoning - with no answer - to get them to finsh what they had been paid for, did not help his nerves!!

Fortunately his sister is a barrister who eats nails for breakfast, so I don't fancy their chances, but the damage is already done, and no compensation can put it right.

680

General Discussion Area / Smart dog!

« on: 17 September 2010, 22:23:03 »

A young Jackaroo named Richard from outback Queensland goes off to University, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue into that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young Jackaroo says, 'and I'll get him into the course.'

So ... His father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.
 
The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome!  Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?'  exclaims his father. 'No kidding!  How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him into the class.'

The money promptly arrives.  But our hero has a problem.  At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.  So he shoots the dog.  When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue?  I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
 
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Financial Review. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still screwing that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

681

General Discussion Area / How was your day?

« on: 15 September 2010, 20:09:28 »

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink, when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha going to do about it?"
he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a
complete failure. I was late to a meeting and
my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't
have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab
I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing ."

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

682

General Discussion Area / New forum layout

« on: 14 September 2010, 14:31:57 »

No doubt there are good practical reasons for the new layout, but I have to say I don't like it at all. For reasons which you may guess, I have quite large fonts displayed. In the old scheme it was brilliant, but with the new scheme it is horribly cluttered, overlaps, and often has to use a second line to display information. Definitely a retrograde step as far as I am concerned.

683

General Discussion Area / RAM upgrade

« on: 04 September 2010, 21:05:27 »

Just got 2GB RAM to upgrade my Dell Dimension 8300 from 512Mb. I was hoping to add the 2Gb (2 x 1Gb) and still use the 2 x 256 cards, however the machine doesn't like to run them together. Initially I loaded the 2Gb into slots 1 & 2, and moved the 2 x 256Mb to 3 & 4 (they were in 1 & 3). On restart the computer could only 'see' 512Mb. I then reloaded the 2Gb into 1 & 3, and the 512Mb into slots 2 & 4. This time it would not restart but squawked in protest. I then removed the 512Mb, it starts up fine now with 2Gb RAM. I can only assume that because they are different makes they are incompatible.
Can anyone shed further light  on this problem? :-/

684

General Discussion Area / They walk among us!

« on: 31 August 2010, 13:15:24 »

This is priceless funny stuff; but alas, is only a small indication of how much trouble  the US  is in.


A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble:

1.  I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2.  I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in  Massachusetts ..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

his response -- click.

3.  A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a  Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4.  I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5.  An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in  Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6.  An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky)  called last week She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7.  A  New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8.  A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to  Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9.  I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10.  Senator Dianne Feinstein (D)
called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to  Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to  China .  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED..

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

685

General Discussion Area / Water filter

« on: 30 August 2010, 18:24:21 »

We live in a hard water area and have a resin filter under the sink for drinking water. The filters cost about £18 every six months. I would really like to buy the resin granules direct, and fill the canisters myself, as I'm sure if I could get a supplier it would be cheaper. Anyone here know of a source for these resin granules?

TIA

686

General Discussion Area / OOF Reg

« on: 28 August 2010, 16:43:58 »

Saw J1OOF today, sadly on a pickup.

687

General Discussion Area / Sick leave

« on: 26 August 2010, 16:20:24 »

 

 NO COME TO WORK TODAY!'
 
           Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come to work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work.'


           The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.. we have lots to do, when I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say
and I feel Great. I be at work soon........You got nice house'.
 

 
 

688

General Discussion Area / Iphone problems

« on: 22 August 2010, 18:39:25 »

On iTunes to download an App, and it said 'your phone needs an update' OK sez I 'Go ahead', half way through it gives up, 'unable to update' phone screen now completely frozen, unable to unfreeze with pressing the two buttons. Tried everything except dismantling it to remove the battery (did consider it). Net fixes say the last resort is to 'restore ' through i-tunes, but I understand I will lose all my Apps. Is this true? Cost money!!! Not me actually my daughter put them on, but I wouldn't want to lose them. Any other ideas?

 

689

General Discussion Area / Video to DVD

« on: 21 August 2010, 17:23:01 »

Before I throw out my old VHS box, I'd like to transfer some tapes to DVD. I have a  Panasonic NV-H60EB VHS, and a Phillips DVDR 610.

I'm sure someone on here knows an easy way, and can tell me how to do it.

Cheers

690

General Discussion Area / Commercial dishwasher

« on: 21 August 2010, 12:19:15 »

I'm looking into sourcing a dish/glasswasher for our Village Hall. We would like one about the size of the Classic Duo 750, which takes about 22 pint glasses.

Can anyone recommend any particular types of this size?

I have been offered a reconditioned Aberna Dexion, which is a similar type, for £795 +VAT., but can't find any reviews.

Any advice from the knowledge base on OOF would be welcome.

TIA