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[Shackeng]

The AA have warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a Blanket/Sleeping bag, extra clothing (including Hat, Scarf and Gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-Icer, salt, torch, spare battery, spare crank sensor, petrol can, first aid kit and some jump leads.
I looked a right Fool on the bus..

I'm not surprised, you forgot the HBV!

[grifter]

Just got a new fridge, was well excited, you want to have seen my face light up when I opened it!

[Migalot]

My New Year's resolutions are:

1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.

[Varche]

I've had to provide a new password for this site and as it was dinner time I chose "beefstew" but it said it wasn't stroganoff.

[Varche]

Oldie thoughts for fellow seniors:

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza for dinner.

3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash.
b. Grill some meat.

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented... I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 60. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

[Freebird]

Car windscreen was frosted over ......cleared it with a store card out my wallet.............got 20% off

[Freebird]

My great grandmother died after completing a half marathon, we can moan she had a good run

[Mr Skrunts]

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

[STEMO]

It was bike when Broocie posted it. 

[Mister Rog]

I'm not sure this should be in the "Jokes" section. Possibly real 

[Mister Rog]

I liked this . . . . . .

from Sarcasm Society on facebook

[Mister Rog]

Not many post or respond here. Ah well here we go, with the sheep jokes . . . .



A bloke goes into a pub, in Wales . . . and asks for a gin and tonic.

All the pub falls silent, then the landlord says "Where are you from boyo, you sound English"?

"Er, I'm from Bristol actually" he replies nervously.

"Bristol you say, and what do you do in Bristol, look you"? says the Landlord

"I'm a Taxidermist" says the man

"Taxi.... what"? says the Landlord, "is that something to do with transport boyo?

The man says "No I stuff and mount animals"

The landlord shouts "It's OK lads, he's one of us"!





Oh dear, very predictable. But . . . . I still chuckle     

[Varche]

Best diet yet!!
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It’s really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."

[tigers_gonads]

Had a fight with a erection this morning

Beat it with a single handed 

[Varche]

Signs You’re Getting Old.

20. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
19. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
18. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
17. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
16. You hear your favourite song in a lift.
15. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as "dressed up."
14. You're the one calling the police because those annoying kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
12. You feed your dog tinned dog food instead of last nights takeaway leftovers.
11. Sleeping on the settee makes your back hurt.
10. You take naps.
9. Pictures then dinner is the whole night instead of the beginning of one.
8. Eating a curry at 2:00 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
7. You go to the chemist's for ibuprofen and Gaviscon, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
6. A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
4. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
2. When you find out your friend's missus is pregnant you congratulate him instead of asking "Oh heck, what happened?"
And the number one sign you are getting old is:
1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one!!..