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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 112284 times)

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STEMO

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #885 on: 03 January 2018, 20:48:04 »

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #886 on: 04 January 2018, 11:34:46 »

 :y
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ronnyd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #887 on: 04 January 2018, 23:05:00 »

SWMBO didn,t get it. ;D
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #888 on: 20 January 2018, 18:41:06 »

 In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
 
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabby and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
''Well, Sir,” Smithers replied, “ I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the boxing middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of........................."
At which point the Colonel interrupted,
"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the local witch doctor to f*&k off."
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #889 on: 27 January 2018, 16:50:35 »

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“The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.” Billy Connolly

Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #890 on: 29 January 2018, 18:55:33 »

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.


Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops' and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near. As she turns around,
her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.


Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, "Good day Madam. How may we help you today?”


Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, "What is the price of this lovely bracelet?"


He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it -
you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

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grifter

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #891 on: 29 January 2018, 19:32:40 »

The government have decided to cut 1p from petrol. It's now going to be called etrol. 
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STEMO

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #892 on: 29 January 2018, 19:49:08 »


Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, and President Trump strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to Windsor Castle, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on to Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right horse nearest the carriage lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shook the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Trump:

"Mr President, please, accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:

"Your Majesty, please do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it,
I thought it was one of the horses."


 ;D ;D ;D
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #893 on: 05 February 2018, 19:00:04 »

They live amongst us !!!!

1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. *THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. *DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo...!!!)

8. *THE GRAND FINALE!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!


*Now remember, these are all true stories, these people vote and most have children!*
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #894 on: 08 February 2018, 09:14:19 »

Two young businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall..
As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in, only a few shelves and display racks set up

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old geezer is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well… Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

scimmy_man

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #895 on: 15 February 2018, 16:37:43 »

James Bond is laid off and at the job centre, there are only two jobs available, one in a call centre and the other in a fabric colouring plant.

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
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deviator

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #896 on: 28 February 2018, 08:53:43 »

Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere..........

Charles Dicken’s ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’ was first serialised in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester Times, it was The Worcester Times.
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #897 on: 05 March 2018, 19:30:14 »

  A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.
 
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.
 
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000' the jeweler said. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah."
 
  The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now  and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
 
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir ...There's no money in that account!'
 
'''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'"
 
  Not All Seniors Are Senile...
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #898 on: 06 March 2018, 22:38:22 »

Dr. Laura Schlesinger

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is
an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted
on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
 
Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements
of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like
we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your adoring fan.


James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia


p.s It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian
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STEMO

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #899 on: 08 March 2018, 21:39:54 »

Pure class.
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