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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470724 times)

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AndyRoid

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #465 on: 10 June 2013, 14:23:37 »

What's the difference between spitting & swallowing?

A few pounds of pressure on the back of the head.

Mr Skrunts

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Ear Infection
« Reply #466 on: 11 June 2013, 03:51:10 »


Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.



OH COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING!!!
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Re: Ear Infection
« Reply #467 on: 11 June 2013, 20:13:30 »


Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.



OH COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING!!!






 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Bloody hell Skrunts, this is the LAST place I should of stuck my nose in today!! Bloody good stuff! ;D :y
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Re: Ear Infection
« Reply #468 on: 12 June 2013, 11:21:38 »


Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.



OH COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING!!!

Bloody brilliant :y :y
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #469 on: 14 June 2013, 04:52:55 »

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith" ...
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #470 on: 14 June 2013, 05:00:14 »

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fking bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!':)
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scimmy_man

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #471 on: 14 June 2013, 18:43:53 »

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Nigerian, and a South African. . . all walk into a rather grand restaurant.

The maître d' gives them a hard look, and says,

"I'm sorry...

...You can't come in here without a Thai! "

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #472 on: 17 June 2013, 05:49:46 »

A man is in jail for robbing 27 banks. One day
he receives a letter from his wife. It says...

Dear Peter

As you are in jail I will have to plant the
potatoes in the garden myself.

When is the best time to plant them?

Love

Susan

He sends her the following reply...

Dear Susan

Do not plant the potatoes in the garden as
that is where I have hidden all the money
from the bank robberies.

Love

Peter

A few days later he receives another letter...

Dear Peter

It's terrible. Yesterday twenty policemen
came to the house and dug up the whole
garden, but they didn't find anything.

Love Susan

He sends her the following reply...

Dear Susan

Now is the best time to plant the potatoes!

Love

Peter
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #473 on: 05 July 2013, 21:01:48 »

Crow's mysterious death solved...

It merely required a government agency to to get involved.

Researchers for the Highways Agency recently found over 200 dead crows near Gatwick Airport on the M23 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu or some other imported pathogen.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The Highways Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry"
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #474 on: 09 July 2013, 03:59:50 »

Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says,
"I remember when your mom and I got married.
I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.
"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."
"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."
"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
"I can't get in to these," he said.
"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #475 on: 10 July 2013, 18:45:02 »

Hope these are suitable?


If she's told me once, she's told me a thousand times. If I'm out with my mates, don't come home drunk...
And she's still narky about it when I don't show up til the next afternoon.


The wife has been banging on and on about her 40th for weeks and the day before her birthday, she told me how much she likes the new Polo.
Well I can take a hint, so I went out and got her one.
You should have seen her little face light up when she unwrapped that packet of sweets.

Michael Gove is planning to cut down on resits at GCSE level to stop giving people more than one chance to try and succeed after they've failed.
This is Michael Gove's 4th attempt at trying to make a successful education system after failing previously.

My doctor said I shouldn't have a vasectomy because I'm still young and might regret it in the future.
So I told him to look after my kids for an hour and then see what he thinks.
He's booked me in for the snip tomorrow.

Three little words...
Three little words that can make you or break you...
When she says them you know instantly if she really means it, if it's true your heart leaps, if she's lying your heart is broken...
If you're lucky then one day you'll hear and you'll know she's the one for you when she says....
"size isn't important"

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

It's going to get really dirty at bedtime tonight!
I'm taking the bins out.

My fat ugly wife tied me to the bed posts last night.
Unable to move, I could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of me.
She knelt on the bed, between my thighs and said
"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"
"My glasses, please." I whimpered.


South Korean officials have confirmed the name of the pilot who crash
landed a Koreana plane in San Francisco earlier.
He's called Land Din Wong.

Men go through 3 stages: Drinking from boobs, staring at boobs, and
growing boobs.

The reopening of the Maddie McCann case can only mean one thing -
A few coppers fancy two weeks playing golf in sunny Portugal.

The inventor of the computer mouse has died.
They should have right clicked and saved him.

Just arrived for Glastonbury.
Seem to have avoided the rush.



I was sat in the doctors waiting room today when the bloke sat next to
me asked, "What are you here for?"
I replied, "Actually, there's nothing wrong with me, but by the time I
get to see the doctor there probably will be."

Independence Day in America.
The day Americans celebrate the freedom to be spied on by their own government.
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #476 on: 12 July 2013, 08:10:28 »

A man takes his wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?

25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still celebrating"
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #477 on: 13 July 2013, 22:47:29 »

Crow's mysterious death solved...

It merely required a government agency to to get involved.

Researchers for the Highways Agency recently found over 200 dead crows near Gatwick Airport on the M23 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu or some other imported pathogen.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The Highways Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry"




 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Pure bloody genius that matey! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #478 on: 22 July 2013, 15:07:09 »

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #479 on: 26 July 2013, 03:18:22 »

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.".................... ::)
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