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[AndyRoid]

I asked the wife for anal sex the other day.
She said she will let me up her dirt box the day that hell freezes over.

-34 degrees in America at the moment says that she better get herself lubed up.

[Johnny English]

The husband arrived , empty house, nobody all around just a short massage on the door of fridge : "Honey it doesn't work anymore, I'm off to my mother."  He opened the fridge, the lamp was lighting, the beer was cold. "What the f*ck does she talk about ... ?!"

[Nick W]

What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?
Lies awake, wondering if there is a dog.

And one of my favourites:

 How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
Nobody knows, it's never been tried.

[AndyRoid]

After knocking down a kid with my car, my wife told me to turn myself into the police.

So I bought a uniform and started shooting black people.

[MR MISTER]

After knocking down a kid with my car, my wife told me to turn myself into the police.

So I bought a uniform and started shooting black people.

They're not fussy, they'll shoot anyone.

[Varche]

A few cricket jokes

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car at high speed?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.



Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommy cricket team?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommy cricket team and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

[Varche]

A London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office
to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a
lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the
car door, zooming off without stopping.
More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche!
My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel
beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in
disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche
owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror. ‘Oh NO!' he screams... Where's
my Rolex?..

[Varche]

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ... Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

[tigers_gonads]

A teacher starts a new job at a primary school in Liverpool and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if you're not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Hull City fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Hull fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Hull and are Hull City fans, so I'm a Hull City fan too!"

"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a Hull fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"

"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

 

[Sir Tigger KC]

Uncle STEMO would have enjoyed that!  Shame he's departed... 





Although I expect he's lurking.... 

[Varche]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/the-most-british-things-that-have-ever-happened

41 interesting or amusing pictures

[Johnny English]

Monsieur Jean-Jacque Pee goes to the office to change his own name.
" Well, I absolutely accept your intention, Monsieur! Erm...and what is your desired name? "
" Francois Pee! "

[Varche]

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

[Varche]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,  "Hey, I haven't seen you

in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
 
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
 
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
 
"Well," said the pirate,
"We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
 
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened

to your hand?"
The pirate explained,"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a

sword fight.My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
 
"What about that eye patch?"
 
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over.
I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
 
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
 
"It was my first day with the hook."

[Searcher]

The police have announced that they will not be probing Nigella Lawson over cocaine claims.
Although admitting that most officers had thought about it.


I was laughing at this woman trying for ages to park a car when I suddenly realised how thoughtless I was being.
So I called my mates to come watch - they loved it.

I parked my car in a street in Glasgow near the football match I was going to watch, a boy came up to me and said, "I'll watch you car for £2 Mister!"

"Nah you're alright son, my 'Pitbull' in the back's got it covered." I said.
"That's cool," he replied, "Does he put out fires too............?"


My wife says we never agree on anything.
I disagree.

Don't ever ask rhetorically; "What is wrong with me?" in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She's still telling me.



90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.

My divorce is almost final, so soon I'll be free and single again.
I shouldn't have any trouble finding a new girl, though - if I've learned anything from the Internet, it's that hot chicks really go for grey-haired, balding older guys like me.


I have a soft spot for my mother-in-law.
It's out in the garden, behind the shed.