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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470032 times)

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #690 on: 18 November 2015, 11:16:21 »

Paddy is passing by Mick's barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Eddie doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick,' says Paddy Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin' shite out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Eddie. 'Me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.'
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #691 on: 18 November 2015, 16:09:19 »

A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” said the foreigner.
“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”
So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”
“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.
“Who did they beat?”
“Leeds,” was the reply.
“And the score?”
“2-1.”
“Who scored the winning goal?”
“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.
The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting “How”.
The Memory man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #692 on: 21 November 2015, 16:09:51 »

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in
place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to
speak:
a.. My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
b.. My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
c.. My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the
City Centre."
d.. "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential
buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away, never knowing the
extent of his property holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse
says, "Mrs Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man
to have accumulated all this wealth".

Sarah replies, “Wealth? .... Wealth! The a**ehole had a paper round!"
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #693 on: 26 November 2015, 20:57:07 »

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ...that phrase... in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #694 on: 29 November 2015, 09:37:23 »

So my wife told me to stop listening to Wonderwall, I said maybe......
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #695 on: 06 December 2015, 22:48:24 »

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #696 on: 14 December 2015, 20:40:51 »

Man goes to the Doctor.

"Doctor, I've got hereditary diarrhea"


"There's no such thing!"
The Doctor replies.

"Well it's in my jeans..... "
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STEMO

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #697 on: 14 December 2015, 20:41:54 »

Man goes to the Doctor.

"Doctor, I've got hereditary diarrhea"


"There's no such thing!"
The Doctor replies.

"Well it's in my jeans..... "

Behave   ;D
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #698 on: 24 December 2015, 07:37:47 »

Police pull over a woman driving erratically.

The policeman asks her to step outside of her car.

'Your staggering' he says.

'Your not a bad looking f***er yourself' she replies.
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Migalot

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #699 on: 27 December 2015, 17:52:02 »

Brian was in the pub having a beer with his mates and he said:

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night, I explained to her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you, Brian" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly undressed and we had great sex ......

Which is very odd, because she's never shown the slightest interest in darts before.

 ;D
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #700 on: 29 December 2015, 12:37:46 »

My wife packed my bags for me and said GO!!
 As I walked out the door she shouted
 ''Have a long and painful death you bastard''
 I turned back and said
 ''so you want me to ****ing stay now?'''    ;D
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #701 on: 29 December 2015, 12:38:37 »

Gutted the wife has left me!

 She's took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records.

 No woman no Sky  ;D
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #702 on: 30 December 2015, 19:27:13 »

It's always cold in Motown, three degree, four tops.

(Best joke I've heard in ages)
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #703 on: 14 January 2016, 17:53:42 »

Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on, the 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him.

The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway.

Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'I was, but after two jump starts & a blood transfusion I feel oppsin great!!!'
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #704 on: 16 January 2016, 11:17:44 »

 A man running a little behind schedule arrives at the cinema, goes in to watch the film that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the film.

It even seemed to be enjoying the film: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the film, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I can't believe it myself," came the reply. "He hated the book."
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