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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470997 times)

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #735 on: 16 March 2016, 09:52:56 »

Paddy and Mick are on safari in Africa. By the river they see a giant crocodile with a man's head sticking out of its mouth. Paddy turns to Mick, "Would yer look at that flash git with his Lacoste sleeping bag..."
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #736 on: 16 March 2016, 09:54:04 »

 A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume."
One little girl held up her hand and said, "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Another one said, "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent," says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says, "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."
The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."
Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."
"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #737 on: 16 March 2016, 09:56:16 »

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,
AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANISATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE
STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE
HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,
"WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD
ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER
WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS
TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL
EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY
AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE
HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH
BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT
THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK
ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS
ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE
REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU
STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO
HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD
OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT
AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES,
DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE
DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #738 on: 21 March 2016, 21:33:06 »

Paddy an Murphy moved darn t Yorkshire an picked up a bit ora twang !!

Paddy is sat in't pub in Rovrum tarn centre.

Murphy comes steamin in wi a gret big grin on his chops.

'E guz reyt up to Paddy an whispers in 'is ear - "Tha'l never guess what I've done, Av only gone an robbed an Art Gallery - one o't pictures is woth £180'000"

"Tha tekin't piss" replies Paddy wi an intrigued look on his mush. "Let's av a look then"

So Murphy looks round t check nobody's lookin an pulls art t'picture.

Paddy looks back at im an sez "Thaz robbed an estate agent tha silly idiot"
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hotel21

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #739 on: 27 March 2016, 15:01:06 »

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4  near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".......
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henryd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #740 on: 27 March 2016, 21:48:12 »

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4  near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".......

Pmsl ;D
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Johnny's Tart.
« Reply #741 on: 28 March 2016, 08:28:08 »

A teacher asked the class what they would like to do in life......

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as an S.B.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Bad Guys, return as a national hero.
Then I'd become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."


The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he had said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

 "And how about you, Sarah, what or who would you like to be?"...........



 "I want to be Johnny’s tart!"
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #742 on: 03 April 2016, 09:24:07 »

A moth goes to the Dentist, and proceeds to sit down in the Dentist chair, the Dentist turns around from washing his hand and says 'my, my, a moth, dont see many of you in here!, do moths have teeth?' the moth replied 'No'. 'So why are you here?' asked the Dentist, the moth replied ' I only came in because the Light was on. 
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #743 on: 30 April 2016, 20:38:10 »

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken spotted him and shouted "Don't do it, man, you'll never hear the end of it".
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #744 on: 18 May 2016, 11:51:28 »

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato bags.
Then try 50lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #745 on: 16 June 2016, 14:31:44 »

l always loved cowboy films so this inspired me to get an Indian tattooed on my back. which l got done this morning...As you can appreciate, the tattoo took 3 hours to complete, and about an hour into the job, l said to the tattooist that l wanted the Indian wearing the full ceremonial head dress.....l nearly fell off his couch when he chided me for not telling him that before he started, as he had just finished doing the turban.....
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #746 on: 20 June 2016, 19:49:03 »

I have a mate who has two tickets for the final of Euro 2016 on July 10th, but he's due to be married on that day and cannot attend. If you know of anyone one that wants to go instead of him, it's at St Andrews Church in Brighton, and the bride's name is Sarah.

Thanks
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #747 on: 21 June 2016, 20:26:52 »

Well Denzil dear of him, he hasn't been well, he's been the doctors this week because he's been suffering with a lot of piles bless him.

And the Doctor got up from looking at his piles.... He said 'Well I shall need your whole name!"

Denzil said "Well I just call it my asshole!"



Jethro
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #748 on: 29 June 2016, 13:44:37 »

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #749 on: 04 July 2016, 13:41:40 »

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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