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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470986 times)

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #435 on: 15 April 2013, 19:38:34 »

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
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PhilRich

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #436 on: 16 April 2013, 21:50:55 »

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.







 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #437 on: 17 April 2013, 14:27:03 »

 Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A
LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the dark! ' says Murphy.
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Terbs

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #438 on: 19 April 2013, 20:35:18 »

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
 
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
 
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
 
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
 
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
 
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
 
Just then they came upon another cave.
 
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'  Immediately, there was the answer.
 
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
 
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
 
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while,
and then spied a third large cave.  As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
 
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
 
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
 
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................
 
 
 
 
 

     
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 
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Lets try and cheer this bloody place up
« Reply #439 on: 23 April 2013, 01:57:59 »

When you are over fifty who gives a ...........?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********************************************************************************

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling her boobs she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."

***********************************************************************************

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********************************************************************************

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so"
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now"


 ::) ::) :) ;)
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #440 on: 23 April 2013, 09:44:15 »

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Britons.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Britons.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Britons.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Britons.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages
and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Britons.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently the problem.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #441 on: 23 April 2013, 15:16:39 »

It's just been on Sky Sports News that Borussia Munchonacentreback have offered 30 million for Suarez.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #442 on: 24 April 2013, 11:25:23 »

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout  but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was £127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the checkout operator.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #443 on: 27 April 2013, 10:40:41 »

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
__________________
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Pensioners
« Reply #444 on: 30 April 2013, 01:38:46 »

Two  businessmen in the centre of Manchester were sitting down for a break  in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with  only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,  "I bet any minute now some pensioner  is going to walk by,  put their face to the window,  and ask what we're selling."

No  sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek,  and in a soft voice asked, 

"What are you selling here?"

One  of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling  ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well... Only two left."  ;)

 

 

 

 

 

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #445 on: 01 May 2013, 11:20:18 »

A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!"
Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"
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scimmy_man

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #446 on: 01 May 2013, 19:51:37 »

it was a parrot last time ;D
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #447 on: 01 May 2013, 20:47:53 »

it was a parrot last time ;D

Are you sure?,  Not confusing it with.....

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs £500."

"Why does it cost so much?" asks the customer.

"Well," the owner explains, "that parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is informed that it costs £1,000 because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot.

"£4,000," says the shop owner proudly.

"Wow!" the customer exclaims. "What can he do?!"

"To be honest," the shop owner admits, "I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #448 on: 02 May 2013, 12:17:06 »

I suspect this was one of Dave Allen's jokes.

Man’s just about to walk into a bar, when he is stopped by a nun.
“Do not give your soul to the demon drink young man, turn away from here” says the nun.
“Sister” says the man, “Have you ever tried alcohol ?”.
“No” says the nun.
“Well, don’t you think you should try it before condemning it ?” says the man.
“That’s a good point” concedes the nun, after a quick think.
“Let me buy you a drink, so you can see what it’s like” says the man, “What would you have ?”.
“Well I don’t know” says the nun, “I have heard of something called a ‘Mar-Tiny’ or something, could I try one of those ?”.
“Of course” says the man, “I’ll bring one out for you”.
The man enters the bar and asks the barman for a whisky and a ‘Mar-Tiny’.
The barman looks over the man’s shoulder and says “Is that bloody nun out there again ?”.
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ozzycat

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #449 on: 08 May 2013, 16:06:16 »

got sent this by ralf quite good i thought
An 83 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady asked if he had been to France before. He admitted he had indeed been previously. The lady sarcastically said then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir. The gentleman said I didn't have to show it last time. Impossible! The woman said, you British have always had to show your passport to get though here the man responded by whispering ?well when I came ashore on the beach on d-day in 1994 I couldn't find any oppsing Frenchmen to show it to!?
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