Omega Owners Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

News:

Please check the Forum Guidelines at the top of the Newbie section

Pages: [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... 59   Go Down

Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 100432 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Darth Loo-knee

  • Omega Queen
  • ********
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Death Star
  • Posts: 18765
  • Jammie smells of Pooh....
    • TIE Fighter
    • View Profile
Sticky for Jokes
« on: 11 February 2011, 23:08:31 »

We all love Jokes but the General Discussion Area is getting rather over run with them.

So please post your Jokes here in this thread to try and "Keep General Discussion Area Tidy"

I must add anything thats either Racist or Offensive will be removed. I am sure we all know what is acceptable.


Going to leave the jokes on for a Month then clear them so 20 pages dont have to be scrolled through to see the new Jokes plus easier to keep watch over :y


Thanks

 

P.S.

This isn't an excuse to post any old tat.

We all like jokes, but somebody, somewhere is always the brunt of a joke. We have a global membership.

And please, as well as keeping it clean and non offensive, ffs get some original jokes, not the tired old tat currently filling this forum.

Jaime
« Last Edit: 11 February 2011, 23:13:42 by Loo-knee »
Logged
Everything to do with Omega's. Breaking, Servicing from Cambelts to Oil Changes... Please Pm me for details...

Johnny English

  • Omega Baron
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Hungary
  • Posts: 2050
  • English antitalent
    • 1995. 2.5 V6 LPG manual
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1 on: 01 March 2012, 10:27:15 »

Dad   : "Tell me: daddy ! "
Baby  : "Mom..."
Dad   : "Not mom, dad!"
Baby  : "Mom..."
Dad   : "Not mom f**k you but dad ! "
Baby  : "F**k you..."
Mom  :  "Where did you learn it ? "
Baby  : " Daad..."
Logged
C20NE - X25XE

Martian

  • Guest
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #2 on: 01 March 2012, 17:38:42 »

The Male Hormonal Cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
Logged

jonnycool

  • Omega Baron
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Merthyr Tydfil, S. Wales
  • Posts: 3565
  • We shag 'em, you eat 'em
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #3 on: 01 March 2012, 19:25:07 »

Very good  ;D
Logged
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving probably isn't for you

scimmy_man

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • yorkshire
  • Posts: 837
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #4 on: 05 March 2012, 12:45:02 »

I must admit that at my age...I started to think about this.












It was very reassuring to take this quick test and know ...I'm good!


 


 


 


SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds...

If you are over 40 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test



How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?



1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S





| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert!!
Logged

geoffr70

  • Omega Baron
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Sunderland
  • Posts: 2665
  • Boobies
    • F/L 3.0 Elite, 3.0 MV6
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #5 on: 05 March 2012, 22:27:58 »

The mother in law went to the butchers and said: "I'll have that sheeps head on the counter please."

The butcher replied: "It's a mirror not a sheeps head!"
Logged
TC and BnQ Trade holder.
I'll out pull you with my caravan!
V6 locking kit available locally, with deposit.

geoffr70

  • Omega Baron
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Sunderland
  • Posts: 2665
  • Boobies
    • F/L 3.0 Elite, 3.0 MV6
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #6 on: 05 March 2012, 22:31:30 »

Paddy was trying to sell his car, and Mickey asked why he hadn't sold it yet. "It's got 120,000 miles on the clock" Paddy said.  Mickey told him to turn the clock back. "Ahhhhh good idea!" said Paddy.

A week later Mickey saw Paddy and asked if he had sold the car yet. Paddy replied: "No, I'm keeping it, it's only done 40,000 mile!"
Logged
TC and BnQ Trade holder.
I'll out pull you with my caravan!
V6 locking kit available locally, with deposit.

albitz

  • Guest
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #7 on: 05 March 2012, 22:33:54 »

The bloke behind her in the queue said to the butcher "have you got a pigs head ?" butcher said "yes", bloke says "well,Ill have a pound of beef suasages ya porky faced tinker". :D
Logged

paul.lovejoy

  • Omega Baron
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Ramsgate Kent
  • Posts: 2691
    • wife mad 2.6 cd estate
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #8 on: 05 March 2012, 22:36:20 »

The bloke behind her in the queue said to the butcher "have you got a pigs head ?" butcher said "yes", bloke says "well,Ill have a pound of beef suasages ya porky faced tinker". :D

and that was a party political broadcast by the raving Albs Party :y
Logged

dbug

  • Omega Queen
  • ********
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Northants
  • Posts: 14279
  • Dont knock Linux!
    • Jaguar XJ 5.0V8 Portfolio
    • View Profile
    • Dbug IT Services
Great Answer
« Reply #9 on: 08 March 2012, 22:41:20 »

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car  salesroom.  Taking off down Highway 1 he  floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing  through what little hair he had  left.

"Amazing!" he thought as  he flew down the highway, enjoying pushing the pedal to the  metal even more.  Looking in his rear view  mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights  flashing and siren blaring.

"I can  get away from him - no problem!"  he thought as he floored it to 120mph, then 130mph  then 140mph   Suddenly, he thought, "What on  earth am I doing? I'm too old for this  nonsense!"  So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with  him.

Pulling in behind him, the  police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW,  looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes, today is Friday and I'm taking  off  for the weekend.  If you can give me a  reason why you were speeding that I've never  heard before, I'll let you  go."

The old man, looked very  seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago,  my wife ran off with a policeman.   I  thought you were bringing her  back."

"Have a good day, Sir",  said the policeman .

 

 

 
Logged
1972 Ferrari Dino, 1967 Triumph TR4A, Mondeo 2.0TDCi Estate, Jaguar XJ 5.0V8 Portfolio

SIR Philbutt

  • Omega Knight
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Rochdale - Manchester
  • Posts: 1455
  • It will soon be Christmas ...
    • 03 2.2 CDX LPG estate
    • View Profile
    • PJB Home Services
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #10 on: 08 March 2012, 22:49:23 »

An American tourist in London decided to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wandered around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a few beers.

After awhile, he found himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all . . . no public toilets!  He really, really has to go, after all those beers!

He found a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve his problem.
 
As he was unzipping, he was tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who said, "Excuse me sir, but you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".  He lead him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opened.

"In there," said the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow entered and found himself in the most beautiful garden he had ever seen.
Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he had the cop's blessing, he unburdened himself and was greatly relieved.

  As he went back through the gate, he said to the bobby,
"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
Logged
keep happy, keep safe, keep smiling, keep in touch

farty_towels

  • Junior Member
  • **
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Plymouth
  • Posts: 66
  • Lively up yerself...!
    • MV6 Elite 3.0 2000
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #11 on: 08 March 2012, 23:36:35 »

A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,
'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
Logged
Of all the things I've lost in life, its my mind I miss the most...!

Martian

  • Guest
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #12 on: 09 March 2012, 22:36:49 »

I phoned the council today and told them I raped a fat ginger bird last night.
The woman who answered said "You should be phoning the police, not the council"
I replied, "F**k off, I'm not ringing to confess...I want the lights in the park fixing"
Logged

Lampynoiseboy

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • SE Essex
  • Posts: 668
  • pay no attention to the man behind the curtain
    • '51 3.2 Elite "Floozy"
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #13 on: 10 March 2012, 01:56:57 »

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
Logged
Trouble strikes in series of three's, but when working on the car, the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of a brand new series of three

Varche

  • Omega Lord
  • *******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • middle of Andalucia
  • Posts: 9741
  • Emeritus Omega owner, Looking for the impossible
    • 2.0 Hdi 4x4 bus and Corsa
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #14 on: 14 March 2012, 13:37:05 »

A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.

 

He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in..

 

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

 

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

 

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

 

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

 

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I f******g didn't."
Logged
My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?
Pages: [1] 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... 59   Go Up
 

Page created in 0.099 seconds with 16 queries.