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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 100455 times)

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Crazycarzowner

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #15 on: 15 March 2012, 18:15:34 »

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a
few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."
The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,
"Goal! 2 all."
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not
to be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out
just one more fart.
He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."
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farty_towels

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #16 on: 15 March 2012, 19:11:12 »

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot." My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."
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farty_towels

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #17 on: 15 March 2012, 19:21:11 »

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."
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SIR Philbutt

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #18 on: 19 March 2012, 21:24:06 »

TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I!  And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area.  It was in the west end.  I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.  So did I!  So did I!  And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I!  Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see.  I  graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!  I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight!  Can you believe it?  I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
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farty_towels

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #19 on: 19 March 2012, 23:38:08 »

TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I!  And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area.  It was in the west end.  I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.  So did I!  So did I!  And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I!  Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see.  I  graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!  I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight!  Can you believe it?  I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
tehee...!
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Lampynoiseboy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #20 on: 24 March 2012, 23:42:31 »

A policeman was patrolling late at night off the main road..
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The officer asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer says:
'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the officer is totally confused. A young couple, alone,
in a car, at night in a lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!

The officer asks:
'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says:

'I'm 20, sir.'

The officer asks:

'And her.... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

'She'll be 16 in 11 minutes....'
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John-R

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #21 on: 26 March 2012, 12:04:23 »

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge, crying.
 
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
 
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. This is the Birkenhead Ferry."
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tigers_gonads

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #22 on: 29 March 2012, 16:09:43 »

It was my girl's big day and everyone was tense!
So I decided to use humour, as I addressed the reception.
"I don't feel like I'm losing a daughter" I said, whilst looking towards her fiance. "But like I'm gaining a spare room"
No one laughed!
It was probably the poor acoustics in the crematorium  ;D ;D
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Richie London

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #23 on: 30 March 2012, 13:08:26 »

I was in the pub minding my own business when a guy walked in wearing a black and white stripey top, black shorts, black and white stripey socks and a whislte around his neck.
I though to myself "It's gonna kick off in here".
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STMO123

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #24 on: 30 March 2012, 19:06:07 »

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge, crying.
 
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
 
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. This is the Birkenhead Ferry."

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
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SIR Philbutt

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #25 on: 30 March 2012, 21:21:58 »

Old one but still gave me a giggle  ;D

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!
 
A  woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.  She spends 15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
 
On her way home, she stops at a paper shop to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
 
A little while later she goes into Woolworths and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
 
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.
The girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
 
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
 
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
 
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was standing behind you at Woolworths.  ;D ;D
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Lampynoiseboy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #26 on: 01 April 2012, 16:36:21 »

My mate paddy has been panic buying diesel.

So far he has 3 pairs of jeans, 2 tops & 6 bottles of aftershave!!












 :-[
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Zippy2012

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #27 on: 02 April 2012, 12:58:32 »

My mate paddy has been panic buying diesel.

So far he has 3 pairs of jeans, 2 tops & 6 bottles of aftershave!!



AHH crap i was going to post this! Good tho!  :y








 :-[
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Elite Pete

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #28 on: 02 April 2012, 13:02:09 »

A farmer in Essex has successfully grown a field of dildos. Unfortunately he's having trouble with squatters. ::)
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Lampynoiseboy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #29 on: 02 April 2012, 17:27:12 »

A farmer in Essex has successfully grown a field of dildos. Unfortunately he's having trouble with squatters. ::)

And the award for the oldest essex joke of the year goes to.......

 ;)
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