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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470307 times)

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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #795 on: 24 October 2016, 15:50:02 »

Nicked from another forum . . . .




A bloke has had a bit of a winning streak on the horses and decides to trade in his BMW for a Mercedes.

"This is a fantastic car, Sir!" said the Mercedes salesman, "everything about this car is luxurious from the leather interior, heated seats front and rear, heated steering wheel to the self cancelling indicators"

"Self cancelling what?"  . . . . asks the BMW driver.           ::)


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ronnyd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #796 on: 27 October 2016, 23:55:10 »


Halloween is coming, so . . . .


Trick or treat ?


That,ll make the little buggers eyes water. :o ;D ;D
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #797 on: 29 October 2016, 22:34:05 »

Went to the Doctors today complaining of strange voices coming from my underpants.




The Doctor said, "ignore them, they're talking b_o_l_l_o_c_k_s"




.
.
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #798 on: 30 October 2016, 23:06:06 »

Carol is blonde city girl who marries a Welsh dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, Dai the farmer says to Carol: “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?” and then farmer Dai leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Carol takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him: “This is the one…right here.”

Impressed by what he had thought would just another ditzy blonde, the man asks: “Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?”

“That’s simple; by the nail over its stall”, Carol explains confidently.

Then the man asks: “What’s the nail for?”

She turns and starts to walk away and says over her shoulder:
“I assume it’s for you to hang your trousers on.”


.
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #799 on: 31 October 2016, 21:53:35 »

I was giving this girl a portion round the back of the chip shop and she says to me " You're not doing very well are you?"

So I said " Well you see I haven't done it for over 2 years as I had a long stay in the VD hospital."

She replied " Oooo what's the food like?  I'm going in there tomorrow!"
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #800 on: 03 November 2016, 20:32:04 »

I was giving this girl a portion round the back of the chip shop and she says to me " You're not doing very well are you?"

So I said " Well you see I haven't done it for over 2 years as I had a long stay in the VD hospital."

She replied " Oooo what's the food like?  I'm going in there tomorrow!"


 :o    :o

so . . . . . .



















"Portion" . . . . . . . . please explain  ::)
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #801 on: 05 November 2016, 16:59:31 »




In 1816 women had no rights.


In 1916 women fought for some rights.


In 2016 women are always right.
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #802 on: 05 November 2016, 17:17:35 »


 ;D


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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #803 on: 06 November 2016, 00:05:06 »

I was giving this girl a portion round the back of the chip shop and she says to me " You're not doing very well are you?"

So I said " Well you see I haven't done it for over 2 years as I had a long stay in the VD hospital."

She replied " Oooo what's the food like?  I'm going in there tomorrow!"


 :o    :o

so . . . . . .

"Portion" . . . . . . . . please explain  ::)

A large helping of saveloy Rog!  :P  ;D
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #804 on: 06 November 2016, 00:09:31 »

I went to the Doctor with hearing problems and he said " What are the symptoms like? "

I replied " Well Homer's a yellow fat bastard and Marge has tall blue hair! "
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #805 on: 06 November 2016, 22:19:18 »

Wrong end . . . .





Oh, it possibly should be retinal . . .
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #806 on: 18 November 2016, 21:00:06 »

If women are always right and men are always wrong.

Then if a man tells a woman she is right.

Is the man right or wrong?

 :-\   :P
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grifter

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #807 on: 18 November 2016, 21:14:23 »

2 guys up in court today, one for stealing a battery and the other for stealing fireworks. One guy got charged and the other guy got let off !
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #808 on: 22 November 2016, 18:15:21 »

Not jokes as such but spoof dialogues pinched from another forum re Brexit. One for each camp in the interests of balance.

Here is first one

Remainers (left holding the Brexit baby after the Leavers… left) “WTF?”

Leavers “We voted Brexit, now You Remainers need to implement it”

Remainers “But it’s not possible!”

Leavers “The People Have Spoken. Therefore it is possible. You just have to think positively.”

Remainers “And do what exactly?”

Leavers “Come up with a Plan that will leave us all better off outside the EU than in it”

Remainers “But it’s not possible!”

Leavers “Quit with the negative vibes. The People Have Spoken.”

Remainers “But even you don’t know how!”

Leavers “That’s your problem, we’ve done our bit and voted, we’re going to sit here and eat popcorn and watch as you do it.”

Remainers “Shouldn’t you do it?”

Leavers “It’s not up to us to work out the detail, it’s up to you experts.”

Remainers “I thought you’d had enough of experts”

Leavers “Remain experts.”

Remainers “There are no Leave experts”

Leavers “Then you’ll have to do it then. Oh, and by the way, no dragging your feet or complaining about it, because if you do a deal we don’t want, we’ll eat you alive.”

Remainers “But you don’t know what you want!”

Leavers “We want massive economic growth, no migration, free trade with the EU and every other country, on our terms, the revival of British industry, re-open the coal mines, tea and vicars on every village green, some bunting, and maybe restoration of the empire.”

Remainers “You’re delusional.”

Leavers “We’re a delusional majority. DEMOCRACY! So do the thing that isn’t possible, very quickly, and give all Leavers what they want, even though they don’t know what they want, and ignore the 16 million other voters who disagree. They’re tight trouser latte-sipping hipsters who whine all the time, who cares.”


And then


UK Negotiation Team: Good Morning Angie, Francois, and the rest of you, glad you excluded those nasty EU presidents from the negotiations. We give you notice Under article 50, that we no longer wish to be part of the EU.

EU Team: Good Morning Mdme May, and I suppose you are here to negotiate access to free trade, and no freedom of movement.

UK Negotiation Team: No, we don't want anything, we have free trade deals lined up with the USA, Canada, China, and most of the rest of the world, which will be signed tomorrow.

Eu Team: We will not let you go, you have to wait 2 years

UK team. No we don't, as we speak Parliament is repealing The European community act.

Eu Team: Oh, so you don't want anything?

UK Team Not at the moment thanks, however is there anything you want?

Eu Team, Um well Germany, France & Spain would like to sell you some BMWs Wine Cheese and tomatoes

UK team Not a problem as long as you pay the tariffs.

Eu team That would cause us lots of problems and you know we have elections this year, if our people start losing their jobs, we will lose ours.

UK team Sorry about that, but we have sorted out all our exports to non EU countries, so it will be a nice little earner for us.

Eu team silence, ....more silence, what about your Financial services, and your Universities, and you Top notch research facilities, and your Superior Intelligence services?

UK team You want access? OK perhaps we'll give you that if you fund their development

Eu team, that seems reasonable, all agreed, OK we will do that, does that come with free trade?

UK team, You have a deal, Merci, Gracias Danke, just sign here.


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Migalot

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #809 on: 23 November 2016, 10:36:28 »

My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
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