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[Varche]

Voice recognition lift. Eleven

http://dotsub.com/view/6c5d7514-5656-476a-9504-07dd4e2f6509

[Varche]

Scottish Fash wind up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpYxhVEyOdI

[Varche]

From yesterdays Bury Times (Lancashire)

http://www.burytimes.co.uk/resources/images/2448220.jpg?type=articleLandscape

[tigers_gonads]

.............. but Deirdre, they got it all wrong.
I only took a 15 year old escort over to kev's for a touch up 




At this rate, the Hayley will be the only bloke left in corrie

[Varche]

This has to be my favourite this month!


Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having a cuppa tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[dbug]

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 

[Varche]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back...!!"

[bishop1666]

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!""Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse."Look what he did to my tits!"

[dbug]

Enjoy 

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

 

[Andy B]

From yesterdays Bury Times (Lancashire)

http://www.burytimes.co.uk/resources/images/2448220.jpg?type=articleLandscape

Only just noticed this .......... rarely look at the jokes bit.

I'll have to have a look on The Rock at the RSPA shop 

[Varche]

I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour", it says "You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never, ever safe to over take

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this in to account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver has, so helpful a device.

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling

Each journey's pretty fraught.

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bug*er off

[AndyRoid]

For me, having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast.

It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.

[omegod]

For me, having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast.

It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.

Not great this one Martian IMHO !

[Sir Tigger KC]

A man left the following letter for his wife before going out.......

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table....

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. xxx

[bigegg]

The Hulk just emailed me a picture of a cucumber.

I think.