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[Searcher]

"What's the problem?" The doctor asked.

I replied, "When I urinate, it smells of anything that I've eaten or drunk. For instance, if I eat sugar puffs it smells of sugar puffs, or if I drink a chicken Cup-a-Soup it smells of a chicken Cup-a-Soup. What can I do to make my pee smell like pee doctor?"

"Have you tried drinking Foster's?"

My wife started a blazing row earlier.


"Why don't you do any maintenance round the garden anymore?" she shouted. "Everything's falling to bits and all you do is sit on your arse and drink beer!"

"How dare you talk to me like that." I screamed. "You want to watch your lip!"
Anyway, things escalated from there and the end result is that I've been forced to lay a new patio.

"I think the money Wayne Rooney earns is crazy; £300,000 per week, when our soldiers are putting their lives on the line for £20,000 per year.

What do you think?"

"I look at it two ways Dave. Firstly, If any of the soldiers could play football like he can, they'd be earning the same as him to do it."

"Yeh, maybe. And your other view?"

"Wayne Rooney can't even write his name with crayons, would you really want him to watch your back with a machine gun?"

I'm not sure if it's just me but the Winter Paralympics doesn't really sound like a good idea...

I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

[Searcher]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

New Scots £20 Note

The Wife

The wife and I were having a massive row.
"I'm so disappointed in you," she said. "When we got married I thought you were a brave man."
"Yes," I replied, "and so did all my my friends."

[Searcher]

Manchester United bra.

    Bought the wife a Manchester United bra. She said the support is c r a p and that it won't be long till the t i t s are out of both cups.

 

[Varche]

Alex Salmond was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained Alex, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alex searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Alex, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

[dbug]

I was at my bank today; there was a short queue.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was very irritated ...
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too" 

[dbug]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any chemists.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemists and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted. 

 

[Radar]

Whats the difference between a tea bag and the England football team? ...... A tea bag stays in the cup for longer

[scimmy_man]

A doctor addressing a large audience in Oxford:
 
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake"....

[Sir Tigger KC]

A recent study has shown that 25% of women are on medication for mental problems..... 



Which means that 75% of women are running round untreated!   

[Varche]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him
if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't
explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you,
too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me any more. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:
The Omega wouldn't start today, but at least I got a shag.

[Varche]

I heard that England were going to arrange a football match against a team from Iceland because they thought they would be more equally matched. If it was a success they were then going to arrange more matches with teams from Waitrose, Sainsburys and Morrisons.

[Temetsy]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him
if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't
explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you,
too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me any more. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:
The Omega wouldn't start today, but at least I got a shag.

Laughed way too much

[Varche]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Cheryl, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour??"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Varche]

An old one but it always makes me smile

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato bags.

Then try 50lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[tigers_gonads]

Celtic are changing their name to Oscar Pistorius FC.
They lost both legs and only managed 4 shots on target.