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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 102442 times)

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #870 on: 20 July 2017, 10:34:40 »

I met a nice Dutch girl last night. She was wearing inflatable shoes.

Rang her today and she had popped her clogs.
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #871 on: 23 July 2017, 19:14:52 »

I just couldn't resist this one I found . . . . .

Say what you like about Scousers, but they are indirectly responsible for one of the greatest motoring inventions of our time. . . . .






Locking wheel nuts     😂




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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #872 on: 26 July 2017, 21:37:24 »


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.

It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex      ::)
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #873 on: 29 July 2017, 11:35:51 »

Just sent my dad this as he is having computer trouble.

You have made three attempts , you now require a new password


cabbage

Sorry Password must be more than eight characters


boiled cabbage

Sorry the password must contain 1 numerical character


1 boiled cabbage

Sorry the password cannot have blank spaces


50bloodyboiledcabbages

Sorry the password must contain at least one upper case character


50BLOODYboiledcabbages

Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively


50Bloodyboiledcabbagesrammeddownyourthroatifyoudon'tgivemeaccessimmediately

Sorry the password cannot contain punctuation


NowIamgettingreallyangry50Bloodyboiledcabbagesrammeddownyourthroatifyoudonotgivemeaccessimmediately

Sorry that password is already in use

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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #874 on: 30 July 2017, 16:25:47 »


Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, and President Trump strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to Windsor Castle, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on to Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right horse nearest the carriage lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shook the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Trump:

"Mr President, please, accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:

"Your Majesty, please do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it,
I thought it was one of the horses."


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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #875 on: 30 July 2017, 20:11:42 »

The man who invented predictive text has died

His funfair is monkey.
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ronnyd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #876 on: 31 July 2017, 22:28:50 »

The man who invented predictive text has died

His funfair is monkey.
They take at least three weeks over here. ;)
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #877 on: 04 August 2017, 23:28:05 »

Cracking offer on Amazon. If you buy any sheet music by Adam and the Ants they will throw in a free stand and deliver


My dad is a dyslexic Yorkshireman, he wears a cat flap
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #878 on: 06 August 2017, 15:06:49 »

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me 'Oi, what's your disability mate?'


I said 'Tourettes, you self-abuser (use proper word here along with many other expletives) . . . . . . .  now f*** off !'
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #879 on: 05 September 2017, 16:55:04 »

I just want you all to know that I'm leaving Facebook, the ride has been a blast and I've made many friends who I do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humour and wit is amazing. I'll miss all of you, but I've decided I need to spend more time with the family. So see you all after my dinner...!!..
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #880 on: 13 September 2017, 17:33:14 »



Spotted on another forum . . . . . .


How do you milk sheep?







Bring out a new iPhone and charge £1000 for it.        ::)





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Sir Tigger QC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #881 on: 28 September 2017, 22:52:18 »

One of the shortest wills ever written went like this...

Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #882 on: 27 November 2017, 10:54:37 »



An American couple were having lunch in Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch in North Wales

"Excuse me" the man asks the waitress

"How exactly do you pronouce the name of this place that we're eating lunch in ? "




Buurr - ggerr - Kingggg replies the young lady slowly






Ok, I know. There isn't actually one there. But hey . . .



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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #883 on: 04 December 2017, 13:23:27 »

Earth is invaded by Aliens, but it turns out that they're peaceful and happy and so everyone loves them.

Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask so a conference is arranged. World leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are invited to ask their most important questions.

It is the Pope's turn to ask a question;

Pope: "I was wondering...have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"

Alien: "Jesus? Yes of course! He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a big party"

[The Pope looks confused]

Pope: "You must be mistaken...Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we've been waiting for his return ever since...why would he visit you so often?"

Alien: "Well..."; they look at each other "...maybe your chocolate wasn't good"

Pope: "Pardon me?"

Alien: "When Jesus first showed up on our planet we gave him really great chocolate...what did you guys do?"
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