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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470914 times)

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #375 on: 25 January 2013, 10:22:32 »

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...
Here she is – in the middle of dealing with this Algerian Hostage mess - now this has happened to her !

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming :-
"You pig ! How could you have let this happen ? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant ! How could you ? I can't believe this ! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault !............Well, what have you got to say ?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again "Did you hear me ?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper :-

“Who’s speaking ?”
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #376 on: 26 January 2013, 10:44:49 »

SAS soldier goes to the palace to receive his MBE from the Queen. As he waits for the ceremony, he is told that the Queen may talk to him as she pins the medal on, or she may not. It depends on the Queen and it’s nothing personal.

He is standing first in a row of people, and is deeply disappointed when the Queen pins on his medal, says nothing and moves down the line.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees in the middle of the line, a yokel, dressed in a straw hat, an old coat held closed with rope, battered trousers, and wellies. The Queen speaks to nobody until she comes to the yokel. She leans forward and says something to him.

The SAS man is enraged at this, and wants to know what the Queen has said to the yokel. Why was he so special ? So with his specialized training, after the Queen moves off down the line, he scrags the yokel, drags him behind a curtain, rips off his hat and coat, puts them on, and waits at the far end of the line.

Finally the Queen comes up to him, leans forward and says “Heven’t eih told you to piss orf once already ?”.
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Johnny English

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #377 on: 26 January 2013, 11:00:47 »

Bad constructioning  ;D ;D ;D







 ;D ;D ;D
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #378 on: 28 January 2013, 13:20:05 »

The Redneck's Outhouse


Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"


Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."


Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."


So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"


"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"


Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!


"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."


So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"


Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"


Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"


To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
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Terbs

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #379 on: 29 January 2013, 15:51:24 »

Fantastic, Varche ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Terbs

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #380 on: 29 January 2013, 15:51:37 »

Ask your Pharmacist
 
The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two tablets," he replied.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #381 on: 03 February 2013, 11:06:59 »

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,

watching the front door of the brothel over the road.



The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that?" says the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"


No sooner are the words out of his mouth

than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"



They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi.



When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.

"One of the girls must have died.”
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farty_towels

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #382 on: 04 February 2013, 23:54:30 »

2 Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine . both are in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!

Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancee and she has said she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years together !!!!

After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."

Mr Patel said, "Yes, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away !"

"Look sir, you're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?!"

Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal sex for the first time. He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice & I'll stop." She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.:/

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

A Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! Its doing well! Prophets are going through the roof !
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Plomien

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #383 on: 05 February 2013, 22:20:21 »



Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal sex for the first time. He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice & I'll stop." She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch


;D ;D ;D ;D :y :y
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BrightCars

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #384 on: 06 February 2013, 09:06:36 »



Guess, how it went up over that tree? ;D
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scimmy_man

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #385 on: 07 February 2013, 20:33:25 »

An American Journalist did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
She approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked her straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, 'Land mines'
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fastandy36

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #386 on: 08 February 2013, 14:36:06 »

A farmer in Essex has successfully grown a field of dildos. Unfortunately he's having trouble with squatters. ::)

And the award for the oldest essex joke of the year goes to.......

 ;)
It may be old, but I'm 43 and never heard it before. I actually lol'd ..!
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dbug

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British father
« Reply #387 on: 08 February 2013, 18:17:52 »


A British man is drinking in a Sydney bar when his cellphone rings. He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole bar announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.

Nobody can believe the weight but the Brit just shrugs and says, 'We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically British. A future “Lion” for sure".

Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard. One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Brit returns to the same bar. Barman says "we were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's.

The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks "what happened, he already weighed 12kg on the day he was born".

The proud Brit father takes a slow swig from his Boddington’s beer, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans forward and says: “Had him circumcised”.

 :o :o :y

 
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #388 on: 09 February 2013, 12:21:57 »

An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #389 on: 09 February 2013, 12:22:32 »

Before the battle of Bosworth the two leaders of the opposing armies meet for a drink.

Henry Tudor - "If I become king I'll build a huge park in the town of Leicester where visitors may lodge their horses and wagons when they come to wonder over my great victory".

King Richard III - “Over my dead body!"
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