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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470486 times)

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Nickbat

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #480 on: 26 July 2013, 21:30:29 »

A Cavan driver is pulled over by a Garda on the N3 from Dublin on his way home. The Garda approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Garda ?"

The Garda says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The Cavan man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The Garda is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The Garda says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The Garda says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the Garda is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Garda looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five Garda cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior Garda from the serious crimes squad slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior Garda says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem Garda ?"

"One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The Garda responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The Garda says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The Garda, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my Garda claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the Garda. The Garda opens the wallet and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my Gardas told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

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dbug

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Water Rates
« Reply #481 on: 26 July 2013, 23:18:46 »

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That's a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

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Warranty
« Reply #482 on: 26 July 2013, 23:19:51 »

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

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Nursing Home Sex
« Reply #483 on: 01 August 2013, 21:22:26 »

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.   Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.  One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and  before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fool. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.

Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.  Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was OK.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!!  What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
 
 


 
 
 

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
 :o ::) ;)
 

 
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Rog

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Re: Nursing Home Sex
« Reply #484 on: 02 August 2013, 13:17:38 »


Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
 :o ::) ;)


 ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D  Nice one
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #485 on: 05 August 2013, 17:05:18 »

Top tips....

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another
song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having
a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with
your old bank statements.


WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove
the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their
dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by
Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser
disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

And the absolute belter for last

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s **t
anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after
wards
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Terbs

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #486 on: 05 August 2013, 20:30:06 »

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...
 
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors
of a sunken ship.
 
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people.
 
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."   
And they did.
 
"Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing."   And they did.
 
"Now we eat everybody."   And they did.
 
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first?   Why did we swim around and around them?"
 
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #487 on: 06 August 2013, 13:55:57 »

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the new Pope does.'
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #488 on: 06 August 2013, 13:57:43 »

A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a good fairy who grants him 3 wishes.

The Asylum seeker says "I'm hungry." (POW)     a huge banquet appears!

He then says "Now I want a nice house." (POW)     a big mansion with a swimming pool appears.

He then says"I want to be British." (POW)     everything vanishes!

He asks "Where has everything gone?" the fairy says "You're British now mate, you're Entitled to Nothing.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #489 on: 09 August 2013, 10:43:44 »

 A man is having food with his 9 year old son in a restaurant. Suddenly son starts to choke, has food stuck in throat, breathing get laboured.....man and few other try the Heimlich maneuver but to no avail....son is turning blue and man starts shouting for help.....help...help...any doctors...

At the far corner of the restaurant is this young girls in mid 20s who is reading newspaper with coffee and watching it as it happens. She gets up from her chair, walks to the scene calmly and asks everyone to move away.........

She holds the young lads testicles and gave them a firm squeeze.....and out comes the food article and normal breathing resumes

Father is over the moon and thanked her over and over again. At the end , he asks her, "where is your clinic, doctor?"

The woman turns and replies, "I am not a doctor.......I am a tax officer."
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #490 on: 13 August 2013, 14:15:56 »

 CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts
.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally, CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a tiger wood!
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Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #491 on: 20 August 2013, 08:08:20 »


Not mine . . . . . This list appears every year


TOP 10 FUNNIEST JOKES FROM THE FRINGE FESTIVAL 2013:

• 1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

• 2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

• 3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

• 4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

• 5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

• 6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

• 7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

• 8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

• 9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

• 10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #492 on: 20 August 2013, 13:32:39 »

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following groups of people are shipwrecked:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman;

2 French men and 1 French woman;

2 German men and 1 German woman;

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman;

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman;

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman;

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman;

2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman;

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman;

2 English men and 1 English woman.

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

Meanwhile, the two English men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
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Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #493 on: 24 August 2013, 11:54:08 »

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following groups of people are shipwrecked:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman;

2 French men and 1 French woman;

2 German men and 1 German woman;

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman;

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman;

etc . . . . . . etc . . . . . etc . . .


2 Welsh men and 1 Welsh sheep   :o
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bago

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #494 on: 24 August 2013, 20:24:23 »

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres of course..

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey  ;D
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