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[Nickbat]

A keen golfer, who has spent decades on the fairways, one day comes home and says to his wife, "That's it. My last round of golf - ever!"
"But why?", asks his wife. "I thought you still loved the game."
"I do", replied the husband, "but my eyesight is just no good these days. I mean, I can still see the ball to hit it, but then I lose sight of it and it's embarrassing to hold everyone up while I look for the ball at every hole".
Well", said his wife, "Why don't you take my dad with you? He's got 20/20 vision, you know."
"Yes", said the husband, "but he's 89 years old!!!"
"I know that. But he's still got 20/20 vision, which is more than you have", said the wife.

The next day, the husband takes his father-in-law with him for his round of golf. On the first hole, he tees up and strikes the ball with a mighty drive.
"Did you see the ball?" He asks of his father-in-law.
"Of course, I did. I've got 20/20 vision", says the old man.
"OK, fine", says the golfer. "Where is it?"
The old man looks blankly at him and replies





"I've forgotten..."

    

[Varche]

Something to offend everyone!


I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

[MR MISTER]

I tried one those football celebrations the other day, the one where you run really fast and then slide on your knees. However, I didn't anticipate the shiny floor and I smashed straight into the trestles supporting the wife's coffin.

[Varche]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the Rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and then mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.' "

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds....

[Nickbat]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'

...

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

 

[scimmy_man]

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash.
The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers.
It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops.
All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.
Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe out. It was great.
You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything.
We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

[Nickbat]

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you (you know who you are) who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse"

 

[MR MISTER]

After my anal exam the doctor left the room. Then the nurse came in and said those five words no-one wants to hear. "Who the f*** was that?"

[Andy H]

World's shortest fairy tale

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after
and rode motorcycles
and went fishing
and hunting
and played golf a lot
and drank beer and scotch
and had money in the bank
and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

[MR MISTER]

Text messages

From daughter to mother:
Hi mum. Can you wash cum out of your hair or do you have to cut it out?

Mother to daughter:
It's nice that we can have such frank conversations dear. I've had cum in my hair lots of times, it will wash straight out, no need to cut it.

Daughter to mother:
OMG! I hate this predictive text. Look how it's spelt gum.

[Shackeng]

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
 
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

[MR MISTER]

My mate is addicted to brake fluid, but he reckonshe could stop any time.

[Varche]

Text messages

From daughter to mother:
Hi mum. Can you wash cum out of your hair or do you have to cut it out?

Mother to daughter:
It's nice that we can have such frank conversations dear. I've had cum in my hair lots of times, it will wash straight out, no need to cut it.

Daughter to mother:
OMG! I hate this predictive text. Look how it's spelt gum.

 

A good selection of similar predictive text cock ups here

http://dontpkethebear.com/25-funny-auto-correct-fails/

[Shackeng]

MY NEW GOLF HANDBOOK
I have recently completed work on my latest book on golf and am quite
proud of the results. In order to market the publication, I'm asking
friends and family to spread the news about this essential read.
This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider
information that I have gained through my many years of experience.
 
Highlights include:
 
Chapter 1) The correct grip for, and how to Properly Line Up, the Fourth Putt
Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 4) When to Give the Green-Keeper the Finger
Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee
Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The book also includes the latest

GOLF TERMS
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
A Kate Winslett - a bit flat but otherwise perfect
A Kate Moss - bit thin
A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A circus tent - a BIG top
A Stevie Wonder – didn’t see it
An Arthur Scargill - A good strike but poor result
A sister-in-law - You're up there but you know you shouldn't be.

[Varche]

On his recent trip to Ireland the Pope was asked what he thought of County Down?

to which he replied " it's not been the same since Carol Vorderman left "