Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[PhilRich]

An elderly Sailor lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of Pussers rum wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, sitting on the table was a bottle of Pussers rum. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the tot before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the glass at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by His wife . . . . . . . .
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

"opps off " she said, "That's for the funeral"

[PhilRich]

The Dinner Date

During class,a teacher trying to teach good manners,asks the students
"If you were on a date,having supper with a nice young lady,how would
you tell her that you have to go to the toilet? Michael"

Michael "Just a minute,i have to go for a pee."

Teacher "that would be rude & impolite, What about you Peter,how
would you say it?"

Peter "I'm sorry,but i really need to go to the toilet,i'll be right back."

Teacher "that's better,but it's still not very nice to say the word toilet
at the dinner table. and you little Johnny,are you able to use your
intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny "I would say 'Darling,may i please be excused for a moment?
i have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,who i hope
you'll get to meet after supper."


The teacher fainted.

[PhilRich]

Job interview test.
 "Here's your first question" the foreman said, "without using numbers,
represent the number 9?"

"without numbers?" the rastaman says, "oh,dat dere is easy." and
proceeds to draw three trees.

"whats this?" asks the foreman

"you no see it mon? tree and tree and tree make 9, innit" says the rasta

"fair enough," says the foreman "here's your second question,use the
same rules but this time the number is 99."

the rasta stares into space for a while then picks up the picture he
has just drawn an makes a smudge on each tree. "ere you go bossman"

the foreman scratches his head & says "how on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"

"each of da trees him dirty now! so its dirty tree and dirty tree and
dirty tree. dat is surely 99 man!"

The foreman is getting angry and is worried he's going to have to hire this rasta,so he says "all right, last question. Same rules again but represent the number 100."
 

The rasta stares into space some more, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "ere you go man, 100"

The foreman looks at the attempt. "you must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The rasta leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree
and says, "a little dog come along see & he crap by each tree; so now you got
dirty tree an a turd and dirty tree an a turd and dirty tree an a turd,
which makes 100.....so when i start boss?"

[PhilRich]

A big rugged gay Bricklayer  goes to the Doctors and has some tests done. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS." the Bricky says, "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalopeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." The bricky squares his shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is really for."

[PhilRich]

Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."

Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"

The crowd are up on their feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees,
hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing-





















........Away Gauls count double in Europe." 

[PhilRich]

An Invaluable guide, I think you'll agree should you be planning to travel further South than Epping!!



alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item



amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")



assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc



awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")



branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")



cort a panda - A rather large hamburger



dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff")



eye-eels - Women's shoes



Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre



garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")



lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")



oi oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs



paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport



reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")



Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday



tan - The city of London, the big smoke



webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")



wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. required by the police



zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")

[PhilRich]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant , The pharmacist , a little bemused , explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant , and never have ,
Unfazed the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more .
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist , "we don't have any!"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES" , said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it," She returns with the container and hands it over to thr pharmacist who looks at it and says to her , "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" ,
Annoyed , the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ,
" TO APPLY < PUSH UP BOTTOM "

[PhilRich]

Social benefits.


 A guy walks into the local welfare office , marches straight up to the counter and says,"Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says , "Your timing is excellent, We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter, You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes , but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided . You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips , You will also have to satisfy her sexual urges .
You'll also be provided with a two bedroom apartment above the garage, the starting salary is £200,000 a year".
The guy, wide eyed, says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it.

[PhilRich]

Control Of Substances Hazardous to Health.

Health and safety executive - materials assessment.

'WOMEN'
A chemical analysis
Element; Women
Chemical symbol; WO
Discovered by; Adam
Atomic mass: accepted as 53.6 Kg, but may vary from 40 Kg to 200 Kg.:
Physical properties
1. Surfaces usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at varying temperatures, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical priorities
1. Has great affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no reason.
4. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common uses
1. Mainly ornamental.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
Tests
1. Pure specimens turn pink when found in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed next to better specimen.
Potential hazards
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one example of the substance, although several
can be maintained in different locations as long as the specimens do not come
into contact with each other.

[henryd]

Well done Phil,you must be knackered after posting all of them,some good ones in there too

[Sir Tigger KC]

Yep nice one Phil made me laugh!   

Maybe this sticky needs a clearout to start afresh? 

[Varche]

A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to B & Q Hardware Store

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, changing the oil cooler on the Omega, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, oil, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to B & Q to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl on the till.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl on the till is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to B&Q
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing on the till is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie on the till smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl on the till may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to B&Q until Boots the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing on the till stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to B&Q. Go to ASDA instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90s & beyond:
What's a B&Q? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

[PhilRich]

A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to B & Q Hardware Store

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, changing the oil cooler on the Omega, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, oil, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to B & Q to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl on the till.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl on the till is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to B&Q
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing on the till is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie on the till smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl on the till may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to B&Q until Boots the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing on the till stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to B&Q. Go to ASDA instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90s & beyond:
What's a B&Q? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

 
Ain't it the blessed truth !

[SIR Philbutt]

Apologies if seen before 

Tommy Cooper Jokes

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2.. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key....'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's.
'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

[Searcher]

Immigration..

All my neighbours are English
All the kids in the local school are English
All the local shops are owned and run by English people

I love it here in Spain.



Teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Leroy said: "I wanna be a billionaire & go to the most
expensive clubs. I wanna find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari
worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on
the beach, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa
Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible
response from little Leroy, decides not to acknowledge what he said
and simply tried to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, f**k that. I want to be
Leroy's bitch."




The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.