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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 477192 times)

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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #645 on: 18 March 2015, 10:08:09 »

While walking down the street one  day a Member  of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives  in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,'  says St. Peter.  'Before you settle in, it seems  there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,  so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,'  says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher  up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then  you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind.  I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our  rules.'

And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the  elevator and he went down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other  politicians who had worked with  him.  Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the  people.  They played a  friendly game of golf and then dined on  lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who  really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and  telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.  Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the  elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of  contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours  have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a  day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The  MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off  in  hell.'  So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down  down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.  He sees all his  friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as  more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his  arm around his  shoulder. ' I don't understand,'  stammers the  MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and  my friends look miserable.    What happened? '

The devil  looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning....... 


Today you voted.'






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The Sheriff

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #646 on: 18 March 2015, 10:15:36 »

Ohhhh.....very topical.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #647 on: 18 March 2015, 11:06:42 »

and funny  ;D ;D
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b4ndit

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #648 on: 18 March 2015, 18:15:08 »

nice ;D ;D
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driver115

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #649 on: 18 April 2015, 07:24:56 »

Nice one, and so true of politicians :y
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ronnyd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #650 on: 19 April 2015, 09:11:53 »

Good one Tig, sad but true that politicians are lying t*rds. :(
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #651 on: 30 April 2015, 12:11:09 »

“Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!”

“Calm down, calm down. When did this happen?”

The man looked at him. “When did what happen?”
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #652 on: 06 May 2015, 09:55:34 »

Little Johnny was at the zoo with his dad, looking at the elephants when his eyes popped out. He pointed at an elephant and said to his dad, "Daddy, what's that long thing?!"

Well, son, those are elephant tusks.

No, no. At the other end. The long thing.

Well, son, that's an elephant leg.

No, no! The other thing. The thing between the legs.

Well, son, that's an elephant tail.

No, no! The other thing. The long thing in front of the tail.

Well, son, that's an elephant penis.

Really?! Mommy said it's nothing.

Well, son, Mommy is spoiled.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #653 on: 07 May 2015, 13:28:52 »

Nabbed from another site but appropriate for today:

Today is the day when the electrolyte go to the poles to erect a new government.
The choice is a bewildering collide-a-scope across the piratical system of idiots, nincompoops, self seekers and downright liars.
More people than ever will be disenfrankensteined having not voted for the out write winners.
It's about time we ditched the first past the postal system and bought in Pictorial Representation.

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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #654 on: 20 May 2015, 23:04:29 »

How To Wash A Cat

1: Put both lids of the toilet up and add a cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2: Pick up the cat and sooth him while you carry him to the bathroom.

3: In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and quickly close both lids.  You may need to stand on the lid.

4: At this point the cat will self agitate and will generate ample suds.  Don't worry about the noises from the toilet, cats enjoy this!

5: Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times.  This provides a 'Power Wash' and 'Rinse'.

6: Get someone to open the front door of your home.  Make sure there are no people between the bathroom and front door.

7: Stand well back, as far behind the toilet as you can and quickly open the lid.

8: The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak out of the bathroom and will shoot outside where he will dry himself off.

9: Both the cat and toilet will now be sparkling clean.

Instructions provided by The Dog.

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Gaffers

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #655 on: 28 May 2015, 22:09:25 »

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
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henryd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #656 on: 31 May 2015, 22:50:41 »

Very good  :y
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #657 on: 05 June 2015, 23:12:02 »

How does a Welshman find a sheep in long grass?  ???  ::)


Very satisfying!  :y
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #658 on: 06 June 2015, 00:07:26 »

How does a Welshman find a sheep in long grass?  ???  ::)


Very satisfying!  :y

How does an Englishman find a sheep in long grass?  ???  ::)


He gets his strimmer out and cuts the grass!  :y
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #659 on: 06 June 2015, 00:09:26 »

How does a Welshman find a sheep in long grass?  ???  ::)


Very satisfying!  :y

How does an Englishman find a sheep in long grass?  ???  ::)


He gets his strimmer out and cuts the grass!  :y

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in the long grass?  ???  ::)


He dosn't bother as he's enjoying the grass tickling his tackle!  ;D
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