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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470533 times)

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tigers_gonads

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #765 on: 07 September 2016, 12:52:37 »

Keith Vaz goes into a chemist and asks for Vaseline - the chemist says for chilblains - Vaz says, no for chaps   :P ;D
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #766 on: 08 September 2016, 14:09:53 »

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were all being led to the guillotine to be executed. They ask the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to die face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next, the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says,

-‘Hey, I see what your problem is!’
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #767 on: 08 September 2016, 14:24:04 »

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer  . . . .

That really is so true  :y    :y
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BIZYWZD

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #768 on: 09 September 2016, 09:47:42 »

A duck checks into a seedy hotel with his girl friend

can you get me some condoms mate ?   asks the duck to the receptionist.
Yes sir no problem. Would you like me to put them on your bill?

no on me c*ck  !!
 :D
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BIZYWZD

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #769 on: 09 September 2016, 09:51:44 »

If I'd known Keith Vaz was looking for 20 yr old escorts I would have kept mine!

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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #770 on: 14 September 2016, 13:46:24 »

Little Johnnie is in English class and they're building sentences with new words.

Teacher:  "OK Johnnie what's your sentence with the word contagious in it?"

Little Johnnie: "Our neighbour was painting his house with a 2" brush and my Dad said it will take the contagious!"
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #771 on: 15 September 2016, 15:31:23 »

Dear Jeremy Kyle, I am 16 years old and pregnant with my boyfriend, who is 20 years older than me. he Is married with 3 kids. He is a drug dealer, carries a gun and is just out of prison.
How do I tell my parents he's a Liverpool fan ??
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #772 on: 21 September 2016, 17:00:42 »

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

 

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

 

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

 

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

 

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

 

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

 

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #773 on: 23 September 2016, 10:25:53 »


Nicked from another forum   ::)


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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #774 on: 23 September 2016, 16:43:47 »

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."

The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #775 on: 30 September 2016, 12:55:36 »

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #776 on: 04 October 2016, 11:27:50 »

child asks father " daddy who do I get my intelligence from ", father replies, "it must be from your mother because I have still got mine " :)
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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #777 on: 04 October 2016, 20:00:07 »

A man goes to the Doctor and says "Doctor!  I've got a problem! I keep dreaming about the Green Green Grass of Home and Dehlilah!"

The Doctor replies. "Ah that's a clear cut case of Tom Jones syndrome!"

The man says "Is this common Doctor?"  and the Doctor replies "It's not unusual!"
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #778 on: 05 October 2016, 15:01:09 »

*A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
**
1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nuthin."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying,
"Well, that's the last thing we need
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #779 on: 05 October 2016, 15:40:27 »

An attractive wife moved in close to her husband, and with a very seductive voice asked "Have you . . . ever seen a £10 note . . . . . all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled £10 note.

He took the crumpled £10 note from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you . . . . ever seen £20 note . . . . . all crumpled up?"

"Errh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious and perplexed tone in his voice.

She gave him another naughty little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tights... and pulled out a crumpled £20 note.

He took the crumpled £20 note, and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you . . . . . ever seen £25,000 all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more excited, to which she replied:

"Well . . . take a look in the garage."

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