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Messages - Mr Skrunts

23971
General Discussion Area / Re: Sheep Questions & Answers
« on: 01 July 2008, 14:54:22 »
[size=12]
Artificial Insemination

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn." [/size]

23972
General Discussion Area / Sheep Questions & Answers
« on: 01 July 2008, 14:41:25 »
[size=12]
Q:    How do farmers find their sheep in long grass?
A:     Very satisfying.
        
Q:    What do you call 4 sheep tied to a lamppost?
A:     A leisure center.
      
Q:    Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A:     Sheep can hear zippers.
 
Q:    When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Q:    What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?
A:    Mick Jagger says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"
       The Scotsman says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"
      
Q:    How do you get a sheep to push harder?
A:    Face it toward a cliff.  

Q:    Why do the horses run so fast in New Zealand?
A:    Because they know what's done to the sheep!
    
Q:    Did you hear about the shepherd who committed suicide?
A:    He heard the song, "There'll Never Be Another Ewe."  

Q:    Did you know that they've just discovered two new uses for sheep?
A:    Meat and wool.  

Q:    What is the smallest organ in a sheep?
A:    A shepherd's tallywhacker.
      
Q:   What's the difference between a sheep and a Yugo?
A:   It's marginally less embarrassing being seen getting out of the back
       of a sheep.

Q:   Where does virgin wool come from?
A:   Ugly sheep![/size]

23973
Pity neither of you knows some one that like to do the odd booze run.  They get fuel costs paid, you get quite a discount.

23974
Maybe it can be done cheaper by a Spannish company to arrange pickup.

My mate works for DHL and has a girlfriend in Germany.  When he sends big parcels to her it works out cheaper if she arranges it.

Also same on ferrys. in Germany they dont take advantage of bank holiday hypes etc, so the ferrys etc are now allways booked from the German end.

Pays to shop arround., so maybe the buyer could save himself a small fortune by checking costs at his end.

23975
General Discussion Area / Re: TC card
« on: 01 July 2008, 20:41:30 »
Bugga, have a check with the postie, but get them to send annother out.

23976
General Discussion Area / Re: TC card
« on: 30 June 2008, 15:35:19 »
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Oops!!!! Will give it till end of week then try abs. Thanks for the infor matey.  :y :y Time to drop them a kindly reminder I think!

Email them matey.

My VODC card was pretty rapid

Also confirm your address details with them.

23977
General Discussion Area / Re: TC card
« on: 30 June 2008, 15:11:43 »
Quote
Oops!!!! Will give it till end of week then try abs. Thanks for the infor matey.  :y :y Time to drop them a kindly reminder I think!

Email them matey.

My VODC card was pretty rapid

23978
General Discussion Area / Re: A few more Keswick pics
« on: 01 July 2008, 20:24:10 »
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Where do you get those round chairs?!  SWMBO would love one of those!



So would I... they are like conservatory chairs  ;D

Put Moon Chair into Fleabay search, they were approx £29 last time I looked.  :y

23979
General Discussion Area / Re: A few more Keswick pics
« on: 01 July 2008, 13:34:48 »
My little Brother took after my Dad.  Before he was walking properly, he snook round the back of the settee, and before anyone noticed he had emeptied  his whiskey glass, and was offering it up for more.

Just realised now why I was allways told never to leave drinks glasses on the carpet when kids are arroud.  ;D ;D

He turned 40 this year and still loves the whiskey, and the lager.  ;D ;D

23980
General Discussion Area / Re: Your Most Dissapointing Car
« on: 30 June 2008, 16:10:10 »
I did a deal to sell my Alpine and buy my Chevette, was the Kirkby Central Demo Car done in the Vauxhaull DTV Colours.  But I had to wait a few days for it.

So they lent me a Morris Marina 1300, car, engine and brakes were fine for what it was, anyway, over the weekend it pi$$ed it down.  Went went gung ho down this hill into a puddle (Water splash time - like you do as a teen ager) went beck up the hill, got to a band and the flipping brakes failed, thought it was just the fact they were wet.  but 2 days when I took the car back they were still stuffed.

23981
General Discussion Area / Re: Your Most Dissapointing Car
« on: 29 June 2008, 19:52:19 »
My 2nd car

A Chrysler Alpine 1400.  20,000 miles on the clock, driven by an old man, out company secretary from where I worked.

Poor on fuel, 84mph top speed, by 32,000 miles it had burnt out a battery, alternator and starter motor.

Pile of poo, but was a chep car for me at the time

23982
General Discussion Area / Re: Silly Question Time
« on: 01 July 2008, 13:58:22 »
I sold a fantastic Daimler Sovereign to a guy, showed him round it, then he enquired about oil and water wtc.

Lifted the bonnet to which he replied that he had never seen one open that way.  Anyway, showed him what he needed to know and made a point of showing him how to put the bonnet down and then firmly secure it.

Few weeks later, he had been driving down the road and the bonnet flew up. not from wind getting under it, but from the aeroplane wing effect (Lift)  The plonker hadnt closed it down properly  So with that in mind, I certainly wouldnt fancy the thought of a bonnet on the top the car.

23983
General Discussion Area / Re: Silly Question Time
« on: 01 July 2008, 13:30:42 »
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yor more than wlcome matey

I'll give you "cheeky sod"  !!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


 :-/ ??  Did I call you a cheeky sod.      ;D :y

23984
General Discussion Area / Re: Silly Question Time
« on: 01 July 2008, 13:19:15 »
Cheers all.

Will get a tape and measure it at some time.

Thought about the mattess idea, but just didnt fancy it.

Cheers again.    :y :y

23985
General Discussion Area / Silly Question Time
« on: 01 July 2008, 11:26:37 »
Some damage has occured to my Elite, looks like something has come off a passing vechicle and hit the bonnet.  Allthough it is minor and I dont think anyone would notice it, I still know it's there.

Will all the Omeg's gatting stripped, I was wondering, if the rear seat lower section was taken out of the car, would a bonnet fit in the back but at an angle from the back of the seat slider towards the rear windscreen brake ligkt.

I may never need to, but just a thought if I do.  As I would still keep my old bonnet.

Just a thought.

TIA  :y

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