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[Diamond Black Geezer]

Good friend of mine at work has separated (never married) from his missus - mutually. No cheating, no massive messy break up. They have one biological child together, and the elder he took on and treat/treats as his own, both are under 8 yrs old. Now she's got herself a new bloke, who's already started to dictate to her how she should be treating her own kids, and putting the poison in about her now-ex bloke/my mate, after several months of cancelling his night for the kids, due to bizarre last-minute reasons/hungover (yes, hungover) she's now decided that he (that's my mate = he) can't see his own kids over Christmas.

Now I know that I could be painting this guy out to be a saint, and you'd all not know otherwise, any idiot can lie over a typed forum like this - but he is a great dad. Dotes on them, loves them to bits, and spends every spare penny on them. (earns sfa in the warehouse at work, but as I say, spends every spare penny he has on them) we've nothing we can really do to help him, they've started seeing solicitors, but no-one at work has any experience in this field to help with. He's a legend and we all love him, and the place would be quieter/duller without him.

Just wanted to say, the following, really...

B!tch. 

[omegod]

I hate hearing stuff like this I had my share of hassle when I split 10 yrs ago and have had to fight hard to maintain such a close bond with my daughter who is my world.

Couple of bit's of advice for him:

Look to the long term as this is one Christmas, she may well ruin it, but look to the next one.

Don't kick off at all as everything will count negatively against him when it goes legal.

Don't give any cash to her, EVERY PENNY needs to be trackable via standing order etc for when she inevitably accuses him of not contributing.

I'd recommend the charity linked below, families need fathers, they may well have a local support group he can access which will help massively over the coming months.

http://www.fnf.org.uk/

[tigers_gonads]

Sorry, your mate hasn't got a leg to stand on through proper channels unless he is in receipt of the child benefit book 
If he takes her to court, he will have to pay for it because legal aid doesn't cover this anymore.
If he gets nasty, the family court will shaft him big style because unless the circumstances are extreme and easy / obvious to prove, the court will side with the mother every time.

The best thing for him to do is keep calm, don't bite at the provocation and smile nicely when he has any contact.
If by text / email, keep everyone and be careful what he says.
If he arranges to meet, take a witness with him every time and write down / record on phone (video) if possible everything.
Even a aggressive stance or waving the arms about will go against him in a court of law.
Any money sent to the bitch should be via BACS and every receipt for anything spent on the kids should be kept.
Never hand over cash.

If he / they have mutual friends, get them to have a word to see if they can influence the situation but he must remember to keep calm or it will backfire on him big style.
All the ex has to do is pick up the phone to the police and make any accusation and he will be in front of a judge within hours and believe me, the judge will side with the mother 

As for parental rights, he has the right to pay maintenance and sweet f**k all   

As for the new bloke, find out his weaknesses /anything / everything he can about him and use it against him but whatever he does, don't confront him personally regardless of whether he wants too dismember him or not 

[aaronjb]

As for the new bloke, find out his weaknesses /anything / everything he can about him and use it against him but whatever he does, don't confront him personally regardless of whether he wants too dismember him or not 

Well damn, there goes my suggestion.

[Diamond Black Geezer]

Yeah. Always this time of year things seem to get nasty 

Appreciate your advice, boys. She's asked... well, you know, demanded, that he give her cash for the other kid - which I am glad to say he has taken a stand on, and said 'no' - on the grounds that, as mentioned, it's not going through the channels/bank. And if she wants to make him his responsibility (and not the biological dad's, therefore) then she can - but that comes with the right to then actually see him. Which at present, doesn't seem to be happening.

Sadly I get a bit sick of this 'inequality' thing - as if everything in life favours men. This is rubbish, you just have to look at the media, and try and remember the last time you saw a woman been portrayed as the henpecked idiot of the pair - yet plenty of the ads on telly seem to reflect the idea that men are ham-fisted clueless jokes who can't even flush a toilet properly, or bring the shopping in from the car. Which aggravates me. Also, the idea that men can't be 'mothers' and that we actually prefer to work 50 hours a week with a bunch of often dull people we had no real choice of being with, instead of seeing our offspring growing up and developing, while 'poor wifey' is 'stuck' at home all day, apparently beating clothes clean on rocks, and black-leading the Range, if the stereotype is to be believed.

The times he's come in to work, telling us he's had to do all the washing at the weekend, change the kids clothes, because they're covered in days-old muck, not to mention the times he's gone round, to find them still in bed, hungry, because she's still in bed late morning hungover.

In hindsight we should have recommended the TV Crews went round her place, when Skint came to Grimsby a few months back, at least then there's have been video evidence of how cr@p a mother she is. Ah, blub in the dock and say 'I'll try harder, your honour honest, I pwomise' and no judge or jury in the land would dare give him the custody of the kids. As we know, all men are wife-beaters and all women are brilliant mothers.

Told him to start a diary of when she says the nasty/threatening stuff to him. You know the sort of thing-

"you can't see the kids tonight, changed my mind. You can see them tomorrow morning."
"That's my footy practice. You know I go every sat morning, every week for years."
"Ahh, well, I'm offering you to see them, if you don't want to, then fine. You don't get to see them at all this week, then."
etc...

Might also be an idea to start to conduct some of these conversations over the phone, that way he can record them, actually.

[tigers_gonads]

Yeah. Always this time of year things seem to get nasty 

Appreciate your advice, boys. She's asked... well, you know, demanded, that he give her cash for the other kid - which I am glad to say he has taken a stand on, and said 'no' - on the grounds that, as mentioned, it's not going through the channels/bank. And if she wants to make him his responsibility (and not the biological dad's, therefore) then she can - but that comes with the right to then actually see him. Which at present, doesn't seem to be happening.

Sadly I get a bit sick of this 'inequality' thing - as if everything in life favours men. This is rubbish, you just have to look at the media, and try and remember the last time you saw a woman been portrayed as the henpecked idiot of the pair - yet plenty of the ads on telly seem to reflect the idea that men are ham-fisted clueless jokes who can't even flush a toilet properly, or bring the shopping in from the car. Which aggravates me. Also, the idea that men can't be 'mothers' and that we actually prefer to work 50 hours a week with a bunch of often dull people we had no real choice of being with, instead of seeing our offspring growing up and developing, while 'poor wifey' is 'stuck' at home all day, apparently beating clothes clean on rocks, and black-leading the Range, if the stereotype is to be believed.

The times he's come in to work, telling us he's had to do all the washing at the weekend, change the kids clothes, because they're covered in days-old muck, not to mention the times he's gone round, to find them still in bed, hungry, because she's still in bed late morning hungover.

In hindsight we should have recommended the TV Crews went round her place, when Skint came to Grimsby a few months back, at least then there's have been video evidence of how cr@p a mother she is. Ah, blub in the dock and say 'I'll try harder, your honour honest, I pwomise' and no judge or jury in the land would dare give him the custody of the kids. As we know, all men are wife-beaters and all women are brilliant mothers.

Told him to start a diary of when she says the nasty/threatening stuff to him. You know the sort of thing-

"you can't see the kids tonight, changed my mind. You can see them tomorrow morning."
"That's my footy practice. You know I go every sat morning, every week for years."
"Ahh, well, I'm offering you to see them, if you don't want to, then fine. You don't get to see them at all this week, then."
etc...

Might also be an idea to start to conduct some of these conversations over the phone, that way he can record them, actually.

Agree with that lot bud
If your a heterosexual, white, drinking, smoking, meat eating bloke in this country, your oppsed 
At the end of the day, if the other kid is not from his 'dangle berries', he doesn't pay a penny 

As for Christmas, just look after your mate the best you can and tell him from me, when it comes to parents, the kids always work out who the idiot is in the end. No matter how much shite the other may come out with 

[Diamond Black Geezer]

That is really good advice. Cheers Mr Gonads, I'll pass on the message. Thank you.

 

[zirk]

One thing to remember is the kids are more intelligent than we think, irrespective how old there are, they will never forget who their real Dad is. also important not to argue with Mum in front of the Kids and try not to blame MUm for things when He spends time with the Kids on His Own (ie, trying to convince them as to who's side they should be on), sounds like the new Boyfriend is to blame here, and the Kids should focus on that situation.

[Diamond Black Geezer]

Just hate the idea (now this is speculation, I really am just giving a for instance) that she's there saying to the kids things like "No, Daddy isn't coming todayyy. Daddy couldn't make the time. Nooo. He's busy doing something else he's rather do, yes, that's right...." I know she's annoyed at the way they're always asking where Daddy is, that must get under her skin. (a bit immature if you ask me, but nevertheless, I reckon it does grate on her)

He's the most placid guy in the world, and will try and make sure he stays that way. It's said farrr to often, but people never take any notice - but it really is all about the kids in these situations.

[4x4]

I have a mate who does a good christmas cake that is err lets say explosive.

Been there myself,know what your mate is going through,keep a paper trail of money paid,must be bacs and shown its for child maintaince ,as if its not it could be for anything,infact get an invoice book that she must sign and confirm she has received it.
Things will get better .

[The Sheriff]

Just hate the idea (now this is speculation, I really am just giving a for instance) that she's there saying to the kids things like "No, Daddy isn't coming todayyy. Daddy couldn't make the time. Nooo. He's busy doing something else he's rather do, yes, that's right...." I know she's annoyed at the way they're always asking where Daddy is, that must get under her skin. (a bit immature if you ask me, but nevertheless, I reckon it does grate on her)

He's the most placid guy in the world, and will try and make sure he stays that way. It's said farrr to often, but people never take any notice - but it really is all about the kids in these situations.

When my second marriage broke down, I was subjected to similar shit. I was dying to punch her fickin face in. But I didn't. My lad was 12 at the time and I just calmly told her that, in about four years, she would have no say over who he saw or didn't see and that, short of moving to the other end of the earth, which I wouldnt allow, that I would still be around at the end of that period.
Then I could fill him in on what really happened and, although I would be the one to miss out in the short term, she would be the one who suffered once he knew the truth. Dads and lads down the pub and all that. Plus, she would have to fight me for every penny. No doubt she would get the money..........eventually.....after a long, drawn out process.
On the other hand, we could do it nicely and be grown up, and I promised not to call her fella a useless tosser who couldn't father children of his own so had to steal someone elses, in front of my son.
Apart from a few spats, it worked OK. Apart from me breaking my promise........

[Diamond Black Geezer]

Just hate the idea (now this is speculation, I really am just giving a for instance) that she's there saying to the kids things like "No, Daddy isn't coming todayyy. Daddy couldn't make the time. Nooo. He's busy doing something else he's rather do, yes, that's right...." I know she's annoyed at the way they're always asking where Daddy is, that must get under her skin. (a bit immature if you ask me, but nevertheless, I reckon it does grate on her)

He's the most placid guy in the world, and will try and make sure he stays that way. It's said farrr to often, but people never take any notice - but it really is all about the kids in these situations.

When my second marriage broke down, I was subjected to similar shit. I was dying to punch her fickin face in. But I didn't. My lad was 12 at the time and I just calmly told her that, in about four years, she would have no say over who he saw or didn't see and that, short of moving to the other end of the earth, which I wouldnt allow, that I would still be around at the end of that period.
Then I could fill him in on what really happened and, although I would be the one to miss out in the short term, she would be the one who suffered once he knew the truth. Dads and lads down the pub and all that. Plus, she would have to fight me for every penny. No doubt she would get the money..........eventually.....after a long, drawn out process.
On the other hand, we could do it nicely and be grown up, and I promised not to call her fella a useless tosser who couldn't father children of his own so had to steal someone elses, in front of my son.
Apart from a few spats, it worked OK. Apart from me breaking my promise........

Am passing all this on... dis is good sh!t!! 

[Gaffers]

Just hate the idea (now this is speculation, I really am just giving a for instance) that she's there saying to the kids things like "No, Daddy isn't coming todayyy. Daddy couldn't make the time. Nooo. He's busy doing something else he's rather do, yes, that's right...." I know she's annoyed at the way they're always asking where Daddy is, that must get under her skin. (a bit immature if you ask me, but nevertheless, I reckon it does grate on her)

He's the most placid guy in the world, and will try and make sure he stays that way. It's said farrr to often, but people never take any notice - but it really is all about the kids in these situations.

When my second marriage broke down, I was subjected to similar shit. I was dying to punch her fickin face in. But I didn't. My lad was 12 at the time and I just calmly told her that, in about four years, she would have no say over who he saw or didn't see and that, short of moving to the other end of the earth, which I wouldnt allow, that I would still be around at the end of that period.
Then I could fill him in on what really happened and, although I would be the one to miss out in the short term, she would be the one who suffered once he knew the truth. Dads and lads down the pub and all that. Plus, she would have to fight me for every penny. No doubt she would get the money..........eventually.....after a long, drawn out process.
On the other hand, we could do it nicely and be grown up, and I promised not to call her fella a useless tosser who couldn't father children of his own so had to steal someone elses, in front of my son.
Apart from a few spats, it worked OK. Apart from me breaking my promise........

Am passing all this on... dis is good sh!t!! 

I think that this is the way to go, kids aren't daft....and by kids I mean the children not the grown up acting as one.

[Andy B]

....
When my second marriage  .....

  why would there be a 2nd? .............. 

 

[The Sheriff]

....
When my second marriage  .....

  why would there be a 2nd? .............. 

 

Third now