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[Andy H]

John decided to  go golfing in Scotland with his chum, Keith.
So they loaded up John's  mini van and headed North.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the  night.
'I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge  house all to myself,
but I'm recently widowed,' she explained and  'I'm  afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't  worry,' John said.'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather  breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men  found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come  morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed  a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John received an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out,
but he finally determined that it was from the Edinburgh based solicitor of the attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked,
'Keith, do you  remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our  golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said  Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up  in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found  out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my  name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red  and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, old mate. I'm afraid I did.'
'Why  do you ask?'
'She just died  and left me everything.'

[Sir Tigger KC]

So after landing his new job as a Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, Uncle STMO lasted less than a day.
About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. He said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So He replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda.”
His supervisor said he probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work. 

[deviator]

I'll chuck this in here 
https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/11535841_1024394460904937_8750559487679055420_n.png?oh=285bb6e3e2cd60ed3154e67e7224072d&oe=55F65F1C

[henryd]

I'll chuck this in here 
https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/11535841_1024394460904937_8750559487679055420_n.png?oh=285bb6e3e2cd60ed3154e67e7224072d&oe=55F65F1C

Lol

[Crazycarzowner]

PLEASE BE VERY CAREFUL WITH YOUR WISHES!!!! 40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE...... A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet and romantic little restaurant. Suddenly a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband'. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me'. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

[Phil L]

So after landing his new job as a Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, Uncle STMO lasted less than a day.
About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. He said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So He replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda.”
His supervisor said he probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work. 

[Varche]

I let my wife take me out for a drive in the countryside today. We were going down a quiet country lane when she said, "Shall we do something we've never done in the car before?"
I said,..... "Go on then, put it into 4th gear."

[Crazycarzowner]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinkin

[Varche]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.

[henryd]

Lol ∆∆

[Varche]

The Golf Match

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!

[Sir Tigger KC]

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks Chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Cornetto or Magnum?"

[Varche]

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm,that includes the car, the tractor and other equipment,the farmhouse and £28,499, 258 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "oh my granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook" .

[Sir Tigger KC]

Uncle STEMO's wife sends him a text to tell him that she's in Casualty. 

So he dashes home and sits down and watches the whole episode but dosn't see her at all. 

Realising that she's not home yet, he texts her back.  " Where the hell are you!  I'm bloody starving woman!! "

[STEMO]

Fill yer boots:

The top 10 funniest jokes of the Fringe
"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
"Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
"What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
"If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
"Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
"The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
"They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child