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[Rog]

When you are dead, you don't know that you're dead, but it's hard for people around you.








It's the same if you're stupid . . . .

[Varche]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[Varche]

A suspicious looking man is stopped at border control while driving a motorbike with a bag on the back.
The customs official at the border crossing asks the man to produce his identification, which he does, and it all checks out fine. He then 'asks what's in the bag?'
The man on the bike replies 'sand'. Lo and behold, when the bag is checked, it just contains sand.

Having remembered the odd case of the man on a motorbike with a bag of sand, the guy at customs recognises the same suspicious man coming to the same border crossing twice a month for 6 months, always with a bag of sand, and always with the right identification.
After those 6 months, curiousity gets the better of the customs official, and the next time he sees the man on the bike he stops him for a chat.

'Listen mate', he says. 'You've been coming here every 2 weeks for 6 months, always with a bag of sand that checks out. I can never find anything on you, but I'm convinced you are smuggling something across the border. If you tell me how you are getting away with it, I promise I won't arrest you, I'm just curious'.

The man gives him a long stare, but eventually says slowly 'Are you sure you won't arrest me?'. The custom official swears to God that he will not tell a soul, and it's only to stop him wondering about it.

'Fine' the man says. 'I have been smuggling something over the border'.

'What is it?!' cries the customs official.

The man replies 'Motorcycles'

[Varche]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penls also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[SIR Philbutt]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[PhilRich]

Jack is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse
appears to give him a partial sponge bath.


"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?"


Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet."


He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"


Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir!"


The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[PhilRich]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer, let's go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......


"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink. Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer Willie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"





Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet.

[PhilRich]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it".

Very good, Suzie, replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully", he said.

Excellent, Michael!

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,Beautiful, ......just ******* beautiful"!

[PhilRich]

Little Patrick asked for a Bike for his Birthday.
His Dad said, "We'd get you one son, but our Mortgage is £80,000 and your Mum has lost her job."
Next day Patrick is walking out the door with his suitcase packed. His Dad asks, "Where are you going son?"
Patrick replied " I walked past your room last night & heard you tell Mum you were pulling out, then I heard Mum tell you to wait 'coz she was coming too!"
"I'm not staying here on me own with an £80,000 Mortgage & no fooking bike!"

[PhilRich]

IT POSTED THAT B##TARD THE CURSING BE AND FANNY PROPER
A FEEL YOU'LL BACKWARDS THIS READ TO BOTHERED YOU'VE
TIME THE BY. 

[PhilRich]

What's the difference between a soldier and a sailor???



You can't dip sailors in your boiled egg!!

[PhilRich]

Hakimara and joshimuru are two public workers for Tokyo city council. They have both been employed by the council for thirty years cleaning the city' sewers. Both are invited to a ceremony to honour workers for long service and attend with their families.

The mayor calls Hakimara and Joshimuru onto the stage to present their awards.

"Tell me Hakimara", says the Mayor, "You have both been doing this job for thirty years now without complaint and without either of you taking a day sick or industrial action. You must be happy in your work"

Hakimara tells the mayor that he has indeed enjoyed his work over the many years and smiles proudly as his medal is awarded.

The mayor turns to Joshimuru and say, "Well Joshimuru, it is indeed an honour to meet two such dedicated workers. You must know each other very well after working together for so long".

Joshimuru replies "Honourable Mayor, I am sad to say that Hakimara and I have never met before. He always works a 12 hour night shift and I always work a 12 hour day shift. Until today we had never met despite both of us working to maintain the sewers of the city in pristine condition for thirty years.

The mayor turns again to Hakimara and says, "Surely Hakimara this cannot be true. You have never met in thirty years? Can this really be the case?"

Hakimara looks at the Mayor and says

"Honourable mayor, it is indeed true, we are like two nips that pass in the shite!" 

[PhilRich]

I was out walking my dog yesterday when I came into a large clearing in a woods at the end of a rutted and muddy track. There I saw a man standing at the rear of a Scania rigid lorry. He had his trousers round his ankles and he was thrusting back and forward with his buttocks. As i came closer I saw that he had his penis in the exhaust pipe and was in the throes of ecstasy as he shagged the tailpipe. I ran to a phone and called the police who warned me not to approach the male. They had dealt with him before and they believed he was HGV positive! 

[PhilRich]

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first. Inch by inch. Until I was fully inside her.

Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amourous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered "Baaaaaaaaaaaa" and rejoined the flock.

[PhilRich]

What would you rather have...

Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?

Parkinson's of course. Better to spill half your beer than forget where the hell you put it.