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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470472 times)

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #855 on: 12 April 2017, 12:21:02 »


Our Wi-Fi wasn't working last night so I sat & chatted to the Mrs for a change.

I was surprised to hear that she no longer works at Woolworths.

 ;D ;D ;D
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Andy H

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #856 on: 17 April 2017, 22:15:33 »

A flight is on its way to Sydney, when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then informs the blonde that she has only paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo who has an economy ticket but is sitting in first class, and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she then says, "Oh, I'm sorry" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight
attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replies, "I told her that first class isn't going to Sydney."
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #857 on: 29 April 2017, 18:12:26 »

Some one liners part1

How did Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

� Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

� A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

� I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

� Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes

� England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

� I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

� They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

� I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

� Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

� I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

� I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

� This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

� When chemists die, they barium.

� I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #858 on: 29 April 2017, 18:13:19 »

one liners part2

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

� Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

� I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

� Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

� When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

� Broken pencils are pointless.

� What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

� I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

� All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on

� I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
� Velcro - what a rip off!

� Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #859 on: 29 April 2017, 18:14:23 »

one liners part3

I'm thinking of selling my vacuum cleaner. All it's doing is gathering dust.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare

I just saw loads of Easter bunnies hopping backwards together. Or maybe it was a receding hare line.

Jokes about white sugar are rare, but jokes about brown sugar - Demerara

I've got a Bonnie Tyler sat nav and it's terrible. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

A bloke just threw a chocolate bar at me. How dairy.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #860 on: 29 April 2017, 18:17:07 »

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything
that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals,
sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous'
blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They
couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good
Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then
she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know
they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought
even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once
again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the
sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a
different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking
toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute,
young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do
you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied,'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #861 on: 29 April 2017, 18:18:39 »

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”

“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.

“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.

“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”








“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #862 on: 02 May 2017, 14:13:40 »

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,
-“I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,
-“Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving?”
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #863 on: 12 May 2017, 18:23:44 »

Renewable energy, I am a big fan.

Don't get many vegetable jokes on here. If you know any do lettuce know.
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78bex

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #864 on: 22 June 2017, 01:50:14 »

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #865 on: 27 June 2017, 21:39:56 »



        Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

        Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose co-ordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

        Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors  would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the  bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that  it was good.

        So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
         
        Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

        #9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

        #8  Life is sexually transmitted.
         
        #7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

        #6   Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

        #5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

        #4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

        #3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

        #2  In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

        #1  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

        Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.

     

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grifter

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #866 on: 11 July 2017, 21:00:56 »

I was invited to a nudist colony, I might go....if I've got nothing on!

In Jamaica a steak pie costs £2. In Trinidad and Tobago and apple pie costs £1.50, and in Bermuda and chicken pie costs £2.50. These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean!
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #867 on: 12 July 2017, 13:50:05 »

I was in a restaurant when someone threw a Prawn Cocktail straight at my head, I turned around and this fella shouted...."And thats just for Starters.....
 
My Thai girlfriend says a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship............................................l still wish she didn't have one
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #868 on: 12 July 2017, 13:53:07 »

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

l was having an operation today and the surgeon kept telling jokes..........he had me in stitches

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party..........so l made her and all her friends clean the house
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #869 on: 18 July 2017, 12:01:59 »



A good catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father I'm pregnant"

He asks, "How did this happen my child?"

She says, "I think it must be the second coming!

The shocked priest asks, "What makes you think it is the second coming?"







She replied, "Because I swallowed the first!"
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