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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470952 times)

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Butts69

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #840 on: 24 February 2017, 00:59:38 »

I couldn't work out how to use my seat belt.

Then it clicked.



I'm addicted to break fluid.

It's ok I can stop anytime.
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #841 on: 25 February 2017, 11:55:54 »



Probably not really a "joke", but not up to a topic in General Discussioms




If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer over one year at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, my new investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

 ;D


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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #842 on: 12 March 2017, 20:06:10 »

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #843 on: 15 March 2017, 13:12:42 »

    It's great that corny jokes are available in various languages.

    Here's one in Spanish.



    Uno.
     

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #844 on: 15 March 2017, 13:14:21 »

People keep asking me where I see myself in 3 years.

Come on, I don't have 2020 vision!


My sexy neighbour called round the other day. She said to me, "You steal any of my underwear from my washing line again I'm going straight to the police."
I nearly messed her pants.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #845 on: 15 March 2017, 13:18:21 »

l have ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon...........l'll let you know

A guy tried to sell me a coffin the other day. That's the last thing l need

l was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. people were giving me weird looks so l started jogging instead
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #846 on: 15 March 2017, 13:20:01 »

An old fella walks into a barber's and says "Do you do shaves? I've never had a shave in a barber's but I can't shave meself properly any more, me cheeks 'ave got too wrinkly. Can you help?"
"No problem" says the barber "I've got just the thing." He gets a golf ball from a jar and tells the old boy to put it in his mouth between his teeth and cheek. He does as he's asked, his cheek puffs out smooth and the barber gets to work. When that side's done he rolls the ball to the other side of his mouth and spits it out when the shave's done.
"Bloody hell, that's a lovely job, son" he says as he feels his face "that's the smoothest shave I've 'ad in donkey's years. Tell you what though, what if I'd swallowed that golf ball?"
"No problem pops, you could have brought it back in a couple of days like the last bloke."



I asked my Mum and Dad what they did to stave off boredom before the internet came along. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters too, and they didn't know, either.


My doctor said "I'm having difficulty interpreting your test result - but I think it may indicate an alcohol problem"

I said "That's okay doc. Try again and I'll come back when you're sober".



Yesterday I saw a car with a boot sticker saying, "I'm a vet, so I can drive like an animal."

It was at that moment that I suddenly realised just how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.



I had a row with my acupuncturist. It got so bad, I stabbed him. He said he'd never felt better.



I asked the librarian if they had the latest book about small willies.

She said " I don't think it's in yet"
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #847 on: 15 March 2017, 13:24:35 »

    l was in ASDA buying a bag of Bakers Choice for my dog, and while in the check-out queue a very posh woman behind me asked if l had a dog....
    Why else would l be buying dog food....????

    So on impulse l told her that no, l didn't have a dog, l was starting back on the Bakers Diet again, and that l probably shouldn't because l ended up in the hospital the last time....
    But that l'd lost 5 stones, before l woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out most of my orifices and IVs in both arms....
    l told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and all you do is load your pockets with Bakers Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry...
    The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and l was going to try it again. (l have to mention here that nearly everyone within earshot was now listening to my story.)
    Horrified, she asked if l ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me....
    l told her no, l stepped off the pavement to sniff a Labradors backside, and a Black Taxi hit me......
     

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #848 on: 15 March 2017, 13:27:32 »

Sad news as a man was killed in a chocolate factory today, apparently 500lbs of white confectionary fell on him...........................he tried to call for help but when he shouted the 'milky bars are on me!' every one just cheered and clapped........



I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said ‘No, it’s a permanent job’


I see Battersea Dog's Home has gone bust. They've had to call in the retrievers.....


My wife complained l never buy her flowers..........................l didn't even know she sold them


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Sir Tigger KC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #849 on: 15 March 2017, 23:27:57 »

Wife: I think I'd like bigger tits!

Husband: Have you tried rubbing paper between them?

Wife: Do you think that would work?

Husband: Well it did on your arse!
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #850 on: 28 March 2017, 10:56:29 »

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

“The golf balls are the important things -- your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

“The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

“The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and ‘fix the disposal’.

“Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #851 on: 29 March 2017, 23:21:47 »



Punctuation matters . . . . .


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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #852 on: 30 March 2017, 03:13:17 »

Nicked from another forum . . . . . not my joke, honestly   ::)






Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car.

Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, I can't afford to be blamed for anything.

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.

The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.




I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."



MORE  . . . . . . . . . . . . .



Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mrs Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Nicola, in her best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained Nicola, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Nicola searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Nicola, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

« Last Edit: 30 March 2017, 03:24:28 by Mister Rog »
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #853 on: 02 April 2017, 00:55:25 »

Walking past a shop the other day and notice they were selling microscopes, so wen't in for a closer look!

There's a new joke about butter going round, but I don't want to spread it!

Police have found a mans body behind the local dominoes covered in ham, cheese and pineapple. Police believe he topped himself!

I'll do algebra, calculus, and even trigonometry but graphs is where I draw the line!
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #854 on: 12 April 2017, 02:33:28 »


Our Wi-Fi wasn't working last night so I sat & chatted to the Mrs for a change.

I was surprised to hear that she no longer works at Woolworths.
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