Omega Owners Forum

Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: Darth Loo-knee on 11 February 2011, 23:08:31

Title: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Darth Loo-knee on 11 February 2011, 23:08:31
We all love Jokes but the General Discussion Area is getting rather over run with them.

So please post your Jokes here in this thread to try and "Keep General Discussion Area Tidy"

I must add anything thats either Racist or Offensive will be removed. I am sure we all know what is acceptable.


Going to leave the jokes on for a Month then clear them so 20 pages dont have to be scrolled through to see the new Jokes plus easier to keep watch over :y


Thanks

 

P.S.

This isn't an excuse to post any old tat.

We all like jokes, but somebody, somewhere is always the brunt of a joke. We have a global membership.

And please, as well as keeping it clean and non offensive, ffs get some original jokes, not the tired old tat currently filling this forum.

Jaime
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Johnny English on 01 March 2012, 10:27:15
Dad   : "Tell me: daddy ! "
Baby  : "Mom..."
Dad   : "Not mom, dad!"
Baby  : "Mom..."
Dad   : "Not mom f**k you but dad ! "
Baby  : "F**k you..."
Mom  :  "Where did you learn it ? "
Baby  : " Daad..."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Martian on 01 March 2012, 17:38:42
The Male Hormonal Cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: jonnycool on 01 March 2012, 19:25:07
Very good  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 05 March 2012, 12:45:02
I must admit that at my age...I started to think about this.












It was very reassuring to take this quick test and know ...I'm good!


 


 


 


SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds...

If you are over 40 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test



How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?



1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S





| | | | | | | | | |
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: geoffr70 on 05 March 2012, 22:27:58
The mother in law went to the butchers and said: "I'll have that sheeps head on the counter please."

The butcher replied: "It's a mirror not a sheeps head!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: geoffr70 on 05 March 2012, 22:31:30
Paddy was trying to sell his car, and Mickey asked why he hadn't sold it yet. "It's got 120,000 miles on the clock" Paddy said.  Mickey told him to turn the clock back. "Ahhhhh good idea!" said Paddy.

A week later Mickey saw Paddy and asked if he had sold the car yet. Paddy replied: "No, I'm keeping it, it's only done 40,000 mile!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: albitz on 05 March 2012, 22:33:54
The bloke behind her in the queue said to the butcher "have you got a pigs head ?" butcher said "yes", bloke says "well,Ill have a pound of beef suasages ya porky faced tinker". :D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: paul.lovejoy on 05 March 2012, 22:36:20
The bloke behind her in the queue said to the butcher "have you got a pigs head ?" butcher said "yes", bloke says "well,Ill have a pound of beef suasages ya porky faced tinker". :D

and that was a party political broadcast by the raving Albs Party :y
Title: Great Answer
Post by: dbug on 08 March 2012, 22:41:20
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car  salesroom.  Taking off down Highway 1 he  floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing  through what little hair he had  left.

"Amazing!" he thought as  he flew down the highway, enjoying pushing the pedal to the  metal even more.  Looking in his rear view  mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights  flashing and siren blaring.

"I can  get away from him - no problem!"  he thought as he floored it to 120mph, then 130mph  then 140mph   Suddenly, he thought, "What on  earth am I doing? I'm too old for this  nonsense!"  So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with  him.

Pulling in behind him, the  police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW,  looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes, today is Friday and I'm taking  off  for the weekend.  If you can give me a  reason why you were speeding that I've never  heard before, I'll let you  go."

The old man, looked very  seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago,  my wife ran off with a policeman.   I  thought you were bringing her  back."

"Have a good day, Sir",  said the policeman .

 

 

 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 08 March 2012, 22:49:23
An American tourist in London decided to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wandered around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a few beers.

After awhile, he found himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all . . . no public toilets!  He really, really has to go, after all those beers!

He found a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve his problem.
 
As he was unzipping, he was tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who said, "Excuse me sir, but you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".  He lead him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opened.

"In there," said the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow entered and found himself in the most beautiful garden he had ever seen.
Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he had the cop's blessing, he unburdened himself and was greatly relieved.

  As he went back through the gate, he said to the bobby,
"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: farty_towels on 08 March 2012, 23:36:35
A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,
'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Martian on 09 March 2012, 22:36:49
I phoned the council today and told them I raped a fat ginger bird last night.
The woman who answered said "You should be phoning the police, not the council"
I replied, "F**k off, I'm not ringing to confess...I want the lights in the park fixing"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 10 March 2012, 01:56:57
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 March 2012, 13:37:05
A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.

 

He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in..

 

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

 

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

 

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

 

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

 

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I f******g didn't."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Crazycarzowner on 15 March 2012, 18:15:34
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a
few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."
The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,
"Goal! 2 all."
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not
to be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out
just one more fart.
He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: farty_towels on 15 March 2012, 19:11:12
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot." My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: farty_towels on 15 March 2012, 19:21:11
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 19 March 2012, 21:24:06
TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I!  And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area.  It was in the west end.  I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.  So did I!  So did I!  And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I!  Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see.  I  graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!  I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight!  Can you believe it?  I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: farty_towels on 19 March 2012, 23:38:08
TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I!  And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area.  It was in the west end.  I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.  So did I!  So did I!  And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I!  Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see.  I  graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!  I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight!  Can you believe it?  I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
tehee...!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 24 March 2012, 23:42:31
A policeman was patrolling late at night off the main road..
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The officer asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer says:
'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the officer is totally confused. A young couple, alone,
in a car, at night in a lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!

The officer asks:
'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says:

'I'm 20, sir.'

The officer asks:

'And her.... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

'She'll be 16 in 11 minutes....'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: John-R on 26 March 2012, 12:04:23
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge, crying.
 
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
 
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. This is the Birkenhead Ferry."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 29 March 2012, 16:09:43
It was my girl's big day and everyone was tense!
So I decided to use humour, as I addressed the reception.
"I don't feel like I'm losing a daughter" I said, whilst looking towards her fiance. "But like I'm gaining a spare room"
No one laughed!
It was probably the poor acoustics in the crematorium  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Richie London on 30 March 2012, 13:08:26
I was in the pub minding my own business when a guy walked in wearing a black and white stripey top, black shorts, black and white stripey socks and a whislte around his neck.
I though to myself "It's gonna kick off in here".
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STMO123 on 30 March 2012, 19:06:07
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge, crying.
 
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
 
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. This is the Birkenhead Ferry."

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 30 March 2012, 21:21:58
Old one but still gave me a giggle  ;D

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!
 
A  woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.  She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
 
On her way home, she stops at a paper shop to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
 
A little while later she goes into Woolworths and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
 
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.
The girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
 
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
 
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
 
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was standing behind you at Woolworths.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 01 April 2012, 16:36:21
My mate paddy has been panic buying diesel.

So far he has 3 pairs of jeans, 2 tops & 6 bottles of aftershave!!












 :-[
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Zippy2012 on 02 April 2012, 12:58:32
My mate paddy has been panic buying diesel.

So far he has 3 pairs of jeans, 2 tops & 6 bottles of aftershave!!



AHH crap i was going to post this! Good tho!  :y








 :-[
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Elite Pete on 02 April 2012, 13:02:09
A farmer in Essex has successfully grown a field of dildos. Unfortunately he's having trouble with squatters. ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 02 April 2012, 17:27:12
A farmer in Essex has successfully grown a field of dildos. Unfortunately he's having trouble with squatters. ::)

And the award for the oldest essex joke of the year goes to.......

 ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Johnny English on 02 April 2012, 22:35:30
A farmer in Essex has successfully grown a field of dildos.
Unfortunately he's having trouble with squatters. ::)

And the award for the oldest essex joke of the year goes to.......

 ;)

The oldest for you mate but the newest for me!   ;) :y
Title: The Sensitive Man
Post by: dbug on 03 April 2012, 00:23:34

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!  Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
 ::) ::)
Title: Same Sex marriage
Post by: dbug on 03 April 2012, 00:32:14

Michael and Gary married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mum and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.
   
In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Michael and Gary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His Mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!  Just go to school.'
   
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mum, 'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His Mum replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
 
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
His Mum says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His Mum replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
 
     
 
He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think....I gave him my aeroplane glue.'

 :o :o

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 03 April 2012, 20:15:28
Paddy takes Mick back to his new flat late one night to show him around

Mick sees a large gong on the wall & says "what's that for Paddy?"

"it's my speaking clock" replies Paddy

"how's that work then?" asks Mick

Paddy picks up a baseball bat, and strikes the gong with all his might & a voice yells from the flat next door......

"For f*cks sake you c*nt, it's 2:30 in the morning!!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 04 April 2012, 21:47:53
Cursor Thief

WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING, PLACE YOUR CURSOR ABOUT 1/2 INCH ABOVE HIS HEAD. WEIRD....
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html (http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 04 April 2012, 21:54:20
Cursor Thief

WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING, PLACE YOUR CURSOR ABOUT 1/2 INCH ABOVE HIS HEAD. WEIRD....
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html (http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html)

Brilliant
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 05 April 2012, 14:37:27
Cursor Thief

WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING, PLACE YOUR CURSOR ABOUT 1/2 INCH ABOVE HIS HEAD. WEIRD....
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html (http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html)

Brilliant
TA, Even more here http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com (http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 05 April 2012, 16:20:02
Try this one!

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/crossroads/ (http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/crossroads/)

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Sensitive Man
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 06 April 2012, 09:26:05

A woman meets a man in a bar//...



 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D - Splendid. :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: cleggy on 06 April 2012, 10:54:46
A chap aged 89 told me this in the supermarket this morning, made me laugh:-

Hickory Dickory Dock
The mouse ran up the clock.
The mouse came down,
It's arse was brown.
And so was the cockoo's cock.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 06 April 2012, 11:00:11
Hickory dickory dock
The mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one.....







and the rest escaped with minor injuries.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: jonnycool on 06 April 2012, 18:32:38
Try this one!

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/crossroads/ (http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/crossroads/)

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Took me a while to find out what to do there  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 07 April 2012, 12:04:42
Can you believe it?

The Inland Revenue have sent my income tax return back to me!
 
In response to question #4, "Do you have any dependants?"

I replied: "2.1 million illegal immigrants and asylum seekers, 1.1 million crack heads, 3 million unemployable people, 80,000 odd prisoners, and 650 idiots in Parliament.”
 
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Who the hell did I miss?  ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 07 April 2012, 12:46:42
Grandma's  ::)

(http://www.butterworths-int.co.uk/grandmas guns.jpg)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 07 April 2012, 13:10:15
 A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why do you think that ?" he said. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Crazycarzowner on 09 April 2012, 15:04:13
A man walks into a restaurant with a large ostrich following behind him.
They sit down and the waitress comes across to take their order. The man
says: "A hamburger, fries and a coke." She looks at the ostrich sitting
there and it says: "I'll have the same." They both eat in silence and when
the waitress came across with the bill, which came to $12.40, the man
reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount.

The next day the man and the ostrich come again and again the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact money for the bill.

On the third night, the waitress sees them come in and says: "Hi folks,
the usual?" The man replies: "No thanks, being as it's Friday night I'll
have a steak, baked potato and salad." The ostrich says: "I'll have the same."

Afterwards, when the waitress brought the bill for $21.60 over, the man
pulled the exact amount out of his pocket and placed it in her hand.

Being a polite waitress she had never commented on this unusual situation but she felt she had to say something at this. "Excuse me sir," she said. "How do you always manage to have the exact amount in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million
pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as
you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money
is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and replies: "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Crazycarzowner on 09 April 2012, 15:14:29
Little Johnny came in from school and asked if he could take his dog, Molly, for a walk.
"You can't dear, Molly's in heat," said the mother.
"What's heat, Mummy?" asked Johnny.
"Your dad is out in the garage. You better go ask him," said Mummy.
"Hey Daddy, I want to take Molly for a walk, but Mummy says I can't cause she's in heat. What's heat?"

His dad was cleaning his tools in some petrol. He took a rag, dipped it in the petrol and rubbed it all over Molly's rear end. "Don't worry about it, son. This will fix her." With that, Little Johnny took Molly for the walk.
About twenty minutes later he returned without the dog.
"Where's Molly?" his dad asked.
"She ran out of gas about two blocks away, Daddy," answered Little Johnny,
"But don't worry: one of the neighbor's dogs is pushing her home."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 09 April 2012, 15:29:13
Grandma's  ::)

http://www.butterworths-int.co.uk/grandmas guns.jpg


 ;D ;D That's the way to do it. 8) :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: blackviper90210 on 10 April 2012, 20:08:20
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams ..

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams .

'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady,
'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's
just having her head drilled to fit the halo .......'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm
going to hell .'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'
                                                             
 
 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 10 April 2012, 21:59:39
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

 ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 11 April 2012, 06:46:45
1.) THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.....Any part under a car's hood.
Male.........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2.) VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..........Playing football without a cup.

3.) COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male..........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4.) COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.....A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5.) ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female.....A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6.) FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.....An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male.........A source of entertainment, self-statement, male bonding.

7.) MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female.....The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8.) REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.....A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male..........A device for scanning through all 175 channels.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 11 April 2012, 06:48:46
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall,
she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 11 April 2012, 06:50:14
The Stolen Car

A drunk walks out of a bar with a car key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies, holding up his key.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wang is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "I'll be damned - My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Rods2 on 13 April 2012, 02:12:42
My daughter has just told me she wants a big fat gypsy wedding.

So I've arranged for her husband-to-be to nick the lead off the church roof and have a punch up at the reception.
Title: Finally together
Post by: dbug on 17 April 2012, 01:06:15

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children. 

Then Ted died of Heart Disease. 

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. 
   
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. 
 
Again Judy remarried, and this time she & John had 5 more children. 

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.   
 
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.   
 
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 

"Lord, they are finally together."   

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:   

"Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"






















 

Margaret replied:  "I think he means her legs, Ethel"  ::)

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: farty_towels on 17 April 2012, 17:29:34
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 19 April 2012, 15:18:50
my welsh mate was found dead yesterday. he died the way he would have wanted to go...... he passed away in his sheep.

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 19 April 2012, 15:19:42
3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
Title: The spoon
Post by: dbug on 19 April 2012, 22:21:25

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." he said.

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 April 2012, 18:48:00
The Year 2011 is gone and the stats have been tabulated.

Homeland Security just provided their end-of-the-year statistics

on airport screenings in the U.S.


It is amazing what those full-body scanners have shown:

 

* Terrorist Plots Discovered: 0


* Transvestites: 743


* Enlarged Prostates: 19,249

 

* Breast Implants: 249,350


* Colon problems: 27,298


* Natural Blondes: 3

 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: geoffr70 on 21 April 2012, 13:48:45
Knock knock

Who's there?

I-diddup
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: mantahatch on 24 April 2012, 11:20:05

Checking  out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags in future because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The cashier  responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right --  our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the store. The  store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. 
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the  size of the county of Yorkshire . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.  Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country.  We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn’t expect that to be bucked by flying it thousands of air miles around the world.  We actually cooked food that didn’t come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad. 
But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.
Remember:  Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off...

 

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 24 April 2012, 23:43:19
I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
 

 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!".
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
 
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 24 April 2012, 23:45:15
This guy is 72years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'    Pick me up, then kiss me;
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because
I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts?  Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah.  At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: The Red Baron on 25 April 2012, 00:06:42
i like that one.  ^^^^^  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: farty_towels on 01 May 2012, 00:45:48
A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe.' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad.' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the  doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on  Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my  wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right,  I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so  that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office, his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: farty_towels on 01 May 2012, 01:45:41
1.  Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2.  Phone answering machine message - '..If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 .  A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'  The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8.  I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.  Police say that he topped himself.

11.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.  Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12.  'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'.  'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'  'Is it common?'  'It's not  unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'  'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?  Because he's cross-eyed?'  'No, because he's  really heavy'.

14.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15.  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'  I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But I think it's Colin.

17. Two  fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat git!'

18.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.  The doctor said, 'Well don't go to those places anymore!

21.  Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.  Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 02 May 2012, 14:04:54
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.

...They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 03 May 2012, 14:18:37
    A driver is stuck in a monster traffic jam on the M25 outside London,

    Nothing is moving.   Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.

    The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

    "Terrorists have kidnapped all the Members of Parliament and they're asking for a £100 million ransom!

    Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

    "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

    "Roughly a gallon."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 05 May 2012, 02:11:21
    A driver is stuck in a monster traffic jam on the M25 outside London,

    Nothing is moving.   Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.

    The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

    "Terrorists have kidnapped all the Members of Parliament and they're asking for a £100 million ransom!

    Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

    "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

    "Roughly a gallon."

I'd steal a tanker to donate for that!  :y :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 09 May 2012, 20:51:24
Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape, but she got very pi**ed off when I started holding auditions for her part. ;) ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 May 2012, 11:19:06
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for a pound a hole?"

The first man said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second man won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the eighteenth, the second guy was busy counting his money. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the local vicar.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The vicar said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The vicar said, "Well, you could come to church on Sunday and make a donation... And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 11 May 2012, 10:51:33
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up !" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington



 ;) ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: blackviper90210 on 11 May 2012, 14:05:50
If riots ever break out again the government should just announce a public sector pay cut.

It's the only way that you can get thirty thousand police officers to get off their arses and onto the streets of London.   
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 14 May 2012, 13:48:19

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package//.....



 ;) ;D


 ;D ;D ;D Splendid - that one is in the top ten. 8) :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 14 May 2012, 13:51:19

Checking  out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags in future because plastic bags weren't good for the environment//.....



 :) :) :) Splendid - that's another top ten-er. 8) :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 14 May 2012, 13:52:13


I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
 

 


 ;D ;D ;D Splendid. :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 14 May 2012, 13:53:34

This guy is 72years old and loves to fish.



Yep, that was a tickler. ;D ;D ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Zippy2012 on 14 May 2012, 15:48:55
My wife lay dying. I was by her bedside.she said in a tired voice.”There’s something I must confess.”

“Shhh. There’s nothing to confess. Everything’s all right.”

“No I must die in peace. I shagged your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!”

“I know,” i whispered “That’s why I poisoned you, you bitch, now close your oppsin eyes”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Zippy2012 on 14 May 2012, 15:49:37
Mary asked Paddy if he was stranded on a desert island with one person in the world, who would he like it to be.

“My Uncle Mick.” replies Paddy without a moments hesitation.

“Really? What’s so special about him?” asks Mary.

Paddy says,

“He’s got a boat.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Zippy2012 on 14 May 2012, 15:51:05
A family take their mum to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her then sit
her in a chair by the window. She slowly starts to lean over to one
side. 2 attentive nurses straighten her up. She starts to tilt to the
other side The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all
morning. The family arrive and asks Are they treatin you alright? Its
pretty nice, mum replies, except the bastards won’t let you fart!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Zippy2012 on 14 May 2012, 15:52:45
Man in ice cream shop slaps his son around the head and says, what
flavour do you want fat head? The shop keeper is shocked and says, why
did you slap your son and call him fat head? Man replies there are 3
things in life a man wants. A big car which I have, a great big house,
which I have and a wife with a nice tight pussy. I had that too…until
fat head came along!!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: jonnycool on 14 May 2012, 22:15:30
 ;D ;D ;D Some good ones there  :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Martian on 15 May 2012, 14:26:20
I'm backing Chelsea to win the Champions League.
After all, it wouldn't be the first time the Germans f*cked over the Yids.
Title: HEADLINES FROM 2030?
Post by: dbug on 16 May 2012, 21:37:38
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions .

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK's third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa:  Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet is unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Jose Manuel Rodriguez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human  rights. Victims to be held only partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford won this years FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1.

 :o :o ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Del Boy on 17 May 2012, 17:46:31
Earlier today a girl was kicked out of Disney Land. Apparently she sat on Pinocchio's face and kept telling him to lie.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 18 May 2012, 23:17:21
Thank God for jokers everywhere! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: OOMV6 on 19 May 2012, 13:51:02
Let's offend everyone - let me know if you think I've missed anybody.

I've just come out of the store with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.  A poor homeless man sitting there said, 'I've not eaten for two days.'   I told him, 'I wish I had your f**king will power.'

Top Tip;   if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.  Wish me luck;  I appear in court next Monday.

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Arabs" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '

I walked past a coloured kid sitting on the pavement as I headed to get some cash. As I came out of the Bank he  looked at me and said 'Any change' I said 'Nope!  You're still black'


Snow in the forecast!  The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is wrong?? The boy says Me ma is dead Oh bejaysus the man says do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?? The boy replies No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment.

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a
winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to
yourself,   I'm having that.


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .   He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I?? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard.  You?re in that rather basket.


I had a Trivia competition wrapped up until the last question which I got wrong.    The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair?? The answer I should have given was Fiji
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 19 May 2012, 17:13:35
Just seen my first scouse porn film, "debbie does f*ck all"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 19 May 2012, 17:15:20
My senile mate keeps knocking on his own front door, then going round the back to answer it.

He doesn't know what he's letting himself in for
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 19 May 2012, 17:18:20
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They asked "is this your wife sir?"
Shocked, I answered "yes, that's her"
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" the copper replied

"I know", said I, "but she takes it up the a*se & is very good with the kids so I overlook her appearance......"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 21 May 2012, 13:25:08
The wife was asking me how many women I had been with,I said "do we really need to do this as I know it may upset you",she says "I'm not worried about that so just tell me".
I said "ok ,here goes  1 2 3 4 5 6 you 7 8 9 10 !!"
I was right,she did get upset ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: b4ndit on 21 May 2012, 19:35:50


Her Kitty Stuttered
A teacher is explaining Biology to her 3rd grade students. She
 says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
 
A little girl raises her hand saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
 become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
 
"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and
 the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our
 yard!" The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary," The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back,
 went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say
 Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!" The teacher had to leave the room.
 


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: BiodieselOmega on 21 May 2012, 23:08:47
This may get me banned but...........



A builder walks into a room......a woman is on all fours in the centre of the room





She has semen dripping from her rear and from both corner's of her mouth






What doe's this tell the builder??????















The florr's level!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 22 May 2012, 21:43:32
A wife texts her husband on a cold morning: “Windows frozen.” He texts back: “Pour lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back: “Computer f**ked now!”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 22 May 2012, 21:43:58
My wife walked downstairs wearing some sexy new lingerie. “You like it?” she asked. “I bought it just for you.” “Ooh,” I winked back. “I hope it fits me.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 23 May 2012, 01:07:14
 A woman brought a very limp duck
into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,"
replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room.   He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
 
 "£150!"she cried,
"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been £20,
but with the Lab Report and
the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 23 May 2012, 12:39:21
The Traffic Warden’s funeral
 
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral
a voice from inside squawks:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late pal, paperwork’s already done"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 23 May 2012, 16:46:12
A wife texts her husband on a cold morning: “Windows frozen.” He texts back: “Pour lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back: “Computer f**ked now!”


 ;D ;D ;D ;D Splendid. :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 23 May 2012, 18:51:13
The traffic police spotted a man staggering towards his car
and opening the driver’s door. They stopped and confronted
him.
“Excuse me, sir, but I hope you are not intending to drive this
car?”
“Of course I am, officer,” he slurred. “I’m in no fit state to
walk!”  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 23 May 2012, 18:56:34
The traffic police flagged down the car.
“Excuse me, Sir, you’ve just hit four parked cars and driven
straight over the middle of the roundabout. It’s obvious you
are very drunk.”
“Thank God Officer, I thought the steering had gone on the car!”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 23 May 2012, 18:58:29
The judge turned to the woman and asked, “I see you’re
divorcing your husband on the grounds that he is a slob and
uncouth. Can you give me any examples of this?”
“Yes, your honour. Whenever we go out he always drinks tea
with his pinkie sticking out.”
“But there’s nothing wrong with that,” said the judge. “It’s
considered good manners in some circles to drink tea with
the little finger sticking out.”
“Who said anything about fingers?” she replied accusingly.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: hotel21 on 27 May 2012, 20:36:35
The Traffic Warden’s funeral
 
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral
a voice from inside squawks:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late pal, paperwork’s already done"
Not many original ones left for me on these lines so, well done.   :y  :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 28 May 2012, 20:02:05
The judge turned to the farmer and said, “Mr Brown, you
are in this court to claim damages against this truck driver,
for the awful injuries you sustained at the time of the
accident. And yet, Mr Brown, at the time of the accident you
were heard to say to the policeman that you’d never felt
better. Kindly explain.”
“It’s like this, your honour” replied the farmer. “At the time
of the accident the policeman went over to my dog, and
seeing it was so badly injured, he shot it. Then he went over
to my two cows and when he saw they had broken legs, he
shot them as well. So when he came and asked me how I felt,
I thought it was a good idea to tell him I’d never felt better.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 28 May 2012, 20:04:45
Instead of sending two convicted drug dealers to jail, the
judge decides to give them both 250 hours of community
service.
“You will work in a drug rehabilitation centre, explaining to
those poor addicts the evils of drug abuse. After your
sentence you will return to me with a full report of your
work.”
The two drug dealers carry out the judge’s wishes and return
to him at the end of their sentence.
“How did it go?” the judge asks the first man.
“I managed to get 31 people off drugs,” he replies.
“Well done, and how did you manage that?”
“I drew two circles – one large and one small. I told them the
large circle was the size of their brain before drugs, and the
small circle was what their brain would be like after drugs.”
The judge then asks the second man how he did.
“I got 200 people off drugs,” he replies.
“But that’s staggering,” says the judge. “How did you manage
that?”
“Well, I drew two pictures – a small circle and a large circle.
I showed them the small circle first and told them that was
their arsehole before going into prison …”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 28 May 2012, 20:05:51
A young woman is alone in a railway carriage when a
dishevelled lout walks in, sits opposite her and takes out a
packet of peeled prawns to eat. Belching and farting, he eats
his way through the packet and then throws the empty carton
onto the floor.
At this point the young woman gets up, gathers together all
the rubbish and throws it out of the window. She then pulls
the communication cord.
“You silly bitch,” he chuckles, “that’ll cost you a £50 fine.”
“Maybe,” replies the lady. “But it’ll cost you 15 years when
they smell your fingers.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 28 May 2012, 20:07:35
“Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?” asked the
judge.
“break all,” said the defendant.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that,” replied the judge and turning
to the clerk of the court, he asked him what the man had
said.
“He said break all, Your Honour” responded the court official.
“Really?” puzzled the judge. “I could have sworn I saw his
lips move.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 28 May 2012, 20:16:46
“Hello Daz", said Guffer, "What are you doing riding around on that
woman’s bike?”
“Well, it’s a long story,” replied Daz. “I was on my way into
town when this really fit looking lass passes me on a bike. She stops, waits
for me to catch up, gives me a kiss and then takes her clothes
off!”
“You can have anything you want,” she says, so I took the
bike…Well, I’m not a pervert, I don’t wear women’s
clothes.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 28 May 2012, 20:20:16
“Why have you got those marks on your knees?” her friend
asked.
“Oh, it’s making love, doggie style.”
“Well, why don’t you change positions?”
“I’m willing, but the dog isn’t.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 28 May 2012, 20:25:56
Three beautiful young girls are walking along the beach
when they come across a man sunbathing. He has no arms
or legs. The first girl goes up to him and says, “Have you ever
been hugged?”
The man shakes his head, so she bends down and gives him
a big hug. The second girl asks him if he has ever been
kissed. Again he shakes his head so she bends down and
gives him a long lingering kiss. Then the third girl asks him
if he has ever been f*cked.
“No, no,” he stammers, his face lighting up in anticipation.
“Well, you are now,” she replies “the tide’s coming in.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Victor Meldrew on 28 May 2012, 23:50:57
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out and then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen" Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: jonnycool on 29 May 2012, 06:16:31
 ;D ;D ;D Some very good 'uns there  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 29 May 2012, 21:03:14
“Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?” asked the
judge.

“break all,” said the defendant//.....


 ;D ;D ;D ;D Splendid :y



"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."//.....


 ;D ;D ;D ;D Outstanding. :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Victor Meldrew on 29 May 2012, 23:32:32


"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."//.....


 ;D ;D ;D ;D Outstanding. :y

That's the problem, it wasn't!!!  :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Kendo1690 on 30 May 2012, 16:37:32
Walked passed the fridge earlier & I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song. But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talkin'..

I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion? But it said, "I'm stayin' a chive, stayin' a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah stayin' a chive....!!" :)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Victor Meldrew on 30 May 2012, 18:53:44
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
 
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'?

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 31 May 2012, 11:14:47
A young girl travelling on a crowded train asked a man if she
could have his seat because she was pregnant. The man
immediately jumped up and the girl sat down. As the man
looked at her he remarked, “You don’t look pregnant, how
far gone are you?”
“Oh, about 30 minutes,” she replied “but it sure is
knackering.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 31 May 2012, 11:17:10
Looking through an open bedroom window one night, a
Peeping Tom came upon a young couple playing a rather
kinky game. Stark naked, they were sitting in opposite
corners of the room, a bag of marbles besides the man, and
a pile of hoops besides the woman. As he watched the
woman threw a hoop and it landed on the man’s erect penis.
“Hooray!” she said “One to me”.
Then the man rolled a marble straight between her legs and
cheered “Now it’s one all.”
The next day the Peeping Tom’s wife was going shopping
and asked him if there was anything he needed.
“Yes,” he replied with a secret grin on his face “A bag of
sprouts and a packet of polo mints.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 31 May 2012, 11:26:45
Johnny goes to work on a farm and is put in charge of the
sheep. To his dismay he cannot get them to lamb so seeks
advice from an old mate, brought up in country ways.
“Get your sheep in the tractor, take them up to the top of the
moors at the dead of night and shag them yourself,” says the
friend. “Then in the morning if they’re lying down they’ll be
pregnant.”
So that night Johnny does as he’s been told, takes them up to
the moors in his tractor and gives them all a good shagging.
Next morning he looks out of his window but they’re all
standing up. So next day he tries again, takes them up the
moors in his tractor, does the business, but the next morning
they’re still all standing up. The following night he goes
through the routine again but the next morning he’s woken
up by a terrible noise.
“Bloody hell,” he curses, looking down into the farmyard.
The sheep are all sat in the tractor sounding the horn.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 31 May 2012, 11:34:14
The recruiting officer was giving a lecture on survival to an
adult education class at the local college. He laid out all the
items from his knapsack including flares, water, chocolate,
torch, map, warm clothing etc. plus a pack of cards.
“What are the cards for?” asked one bright spark.
“Ah ha,” replied the officer. “Once you’ve tried all other
means of survival, take your pack of cards and lay out a
game of patience. You can lay odds that after a couple of
minutes some bugger will come along and say black eight on
the red nine!”

The Officer was giving a lecture on survival to a class of
New Entries at Regimental Barracks . He laid out all the
items from his knapsack including flares, water, chocolate,
torch, map, warm clothing etc. plus a pack of cards.
“What are the cards for?” asked one bright spark.
“Ah ha,” replied the officer. “Once you’ve tried all other
means of survival, take your pack of cards and lay out a
game of patience. You can lay odds that after a couple of
minutes some bugger will come along and say black eight on
the red nine!”








Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 31 May 2012, 11:36:07
It was like a scene from Baywatch. Three girls were being
interviewed for the job of lifeguard and each was asked the
question: “What would you do if you saw someone fall off a
boat?”
The first said she would race immediately into the water and
swim out to rescue them.
The second said she would radio for a medical team to be
waiting and then swim out to rescue them.
The third said she would get one of the other lifeguards to
go out while she waited on shore for help.
Now which girl got the job?
Duh! the one with big tits of course  ::).
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 31 May 2012, 11:40:28
After spending six months in a desert outpost, the new
recruit goes to see his Commanding Officer.
“I’m sorry, Sir, but this place is driving me nuts. If only we
had some female company.”
“Well, I can’t do anything about that, son,” replies the
officer,
“but we do have something else. There’s a barrel over there
with a hole in the side and you’ll find that will help to relieve
your frustrations. You’re free to use it any day but
Wednesday.”
“Thank you, Sir,” replies the recruit, “but why can’t I use it
on Wednesday?”
“Well, it’s all based on a sharing system and on Wednesdays
it’s your turn in the barrel.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 31 May 2012, 11:54:04

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation//....




 ;D ;D ;D ;D Splendid.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 31 May 2012, 12:48:16
COPPER WIRE


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely nothing. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."


Makes you proud to be British.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 31 May 2012, 12:55:41

COPPER WIRE//....






 ;D ;D ;D ;D another top ten-er. :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 01 June 2012, 10:26:12
Life in the Australian Army

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland).

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of pi$$!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 01 June 2012, 22:23:06
An 'Oldie', but still a bloody howler Varche! ;D ;D :y
Title: HEADLINES FROM 2030?
Post by: dbug on 02 June 2012, 21:45:41
 

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions .

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK's third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa:  Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet is unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Jose Manuel Rodriguez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human  rights. Victims to be held only partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford won this years FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1.

 
 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 02 June 2012, 22:06:13
I'm laughing dbug, but most of that is too close to the truth for comfort matey! ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: horsecow on 03 June 2012, 12:06:44
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He says ''This is the pig I have to sleep with when your not around''. His wife jumps up and says ''you silly idiot thats not a pig its a sheep''!! Man  replies ''I was talking to the sheep''!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: jonnycool on 04 June 2012, 19:45:34
Little Jonny came into the house for dinner after playing with his friend Sally. His parents asked him what he'd been doing all afternoon.
He said, 'I played football for a while and then I proposed to Sally.'
His parents thought that was really sweet and, not wanting to make fun of him, went along with the idea. His father said, 'But, Jonny, you know being married is an expensive business. How are you going to manage?'
'Well,' said Jonny, 'with the seven pounds I get each week from you and the five pounds she gets from her Mum and Dad, we should be OK. I can always get a paper round.'
Suppressing a smile, his mother said, 'That's all very well darling. But how will you and Sally manage if you have a baby?'
'Well,' said Jonny, 'so far - touch wood - we've been lucky......' 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 05 June 2012, 15:21:25
Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a woman  came up to him and asked "are you that bloke from the 70's who did "two little boys?""

"no" Rolf replied, "that was Gary Glitter"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: b4ndit on 05 June 2012, 20:25:25
25 REASONS I OWE
> MY MOTHER 
 

  1.   My mother taught me  TO APPRECIATE A
 JOB WELL  DONE   . 
 "If you're going to kill each other, do it
 outside. I just finished cleaning." 
 2.   My mother  taught me RELIGION .   "You better pray that will come out of the carpet                                                                   3.   My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL   "If you don't straighten up,  I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"      4.   My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."                                                                                                5.   My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.> >  "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."  6.   My mother taught me FORESIGHT   "Make  sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're hit by a  bus."                                   7.   My mother taught me IRONY  "Keep crying, and I'll  give you something to cry about." 
8.   My mothet taught me about the science of OSMOSIS "Shut your mouth and eat your tea." 
9.   My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM..   "Just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!" 
10..   My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all those brussel sprouts are gone." 
11.   My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a cyclone went through it." 
12.   My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 
13.   My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it." 
14.   My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION."Stop acting like your father!" 
15.   My mother  taught me about ENVY."There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents     like you do." 
16.   My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.."Just wait until your Father gets home." 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.."You are going to get it when you get home!" 
18.   My mother taught me MEDICAL  SCIENCE .. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going  to freeze that way." 
19.   My mother taught me ESP. "Put a jumper on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20.   My mother taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21.   My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 
22.   My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 
23.   My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 
24.   My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 
25. And my favourite:   My mother taught me about JUSTICE."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Entwood on 05 June 2012, 20:41:04
 :y :y :y :y :y

 :) :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Martian on 06 June 2012, 10:05:56
As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.
 
"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.
 
"I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."
 
He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."
 
"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"
 
"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."
 
Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tonka. on 06 June 2012, 10:18:48
 ;D ;D ;D :y :y :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 06 June 2012, 16:14:00

As I sat down in the pub//.....



 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Very good indeed. 8) :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 06 June 2012, 19:42:20

As I sat down in the pub//.....



 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Very good indeed. 8) :y

I'm gonna try that at the weekend, I have a 5110 somewhere......should shut the gayphone owners up!!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 09 June 2012, 16:01:28
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies - like an arrow. Fruit flies - like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 09 June 2012, 16:08:05
It'll happen to us all.......


A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should
meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof
Zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses
and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof Zum Lowen restaurant because
the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof Zum Lowen restaurant because
they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof Zum Lowen restaurant because
it is wheel-chair accessible and they even have an lift.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof Zum Lowen restaurant because
they have never been there before.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 09 June 2012, 16:23:56
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he... has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 09 June 2012, 16:31:25
Old Timers Bar

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Spain.

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timer's Bar - all
drinks 1.00 €

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on
in and let me pour one for you!

What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a
martini.. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis....shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 1.00 € each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.

Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 4.00 €, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying, 'That's 4.00 €, please..' They pay the 1.00 €, but their
curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent 2.00 €.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for 1.00 € each?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always
wanted to own a bar.? Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and
decided to open this place.

Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all retired pommies from the caravan park
waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 09 June 2012, 18:31:55
Linoleum Blownapart

Actual LOL  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: jonnycool on 09 June 2012, 20:24:40
Some great jokes there  :y :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 10 June 2012, 20:56:04
Old Timers Bar//....




 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D One for the top ten. :y :y


Those other three weren't too bad either. :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 10 June 2012, 21:18:41
The wifes sister knocked me out today.

what sort of sick mind  puts chloroform on used knickers?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Omegatoy on 11 June 2012, 21:33:27
 ;DHOW DID I LIVE ALL THESE YEARS WITHOUT KNOWING THIS?
I'll bet you never knew this !!!
In the original native culture of Thailand , when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following ceremony:   
They stood naked in a large circle, facing inward.  A naked girl stood behind each of the men.  A beautiful, naked girl did a sexy dance in the center of the circle.
As soon as all the men became aroused and developed erections, the girls behind them reached through between their legs, pulled their erect penises downward as much as they could, and then released them.
The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies.
This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . . .
  . . And that's why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok .
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 June 2012, 11:08:10
Six Golden Rules

Six Golden Rules For F***ing...

These rules are so true.

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing dont eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try to do f***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholestrol level.

So remember:




FASTING is good for your health, and it may cleanse your Dirty Mind.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Johnny English on 15 June 2012, 17:56:56
EURO 2012 for free.


(http://i1127.photobucket.com/albums/l636/cybernomades/Freefootballseeing.jpg)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Lampynoiseboy on 17 June 2012, 16:42:40
I've just fitted a strobe in the bedroom

Makes the wife look like she's moving during sex
Title: Joke
Post by: dbug on 19 June 2012, 01:11:37
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

 ;) ;)


 

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Kendo1690 on 21 June 2012, 18:10:24
The mother in law went to the butchers and said: "I'll have that sheeps head on the counter please."

The butcher replied: "It's a mirror not a sheeps head!"
This is deffo about my mother in law,how do you know her....!!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 22 June 2012, 12:56:40
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"
the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 22 June 2012, 13:01:06
Grey, White, Black, Dark Grey, Light Grey, Medium Gray, Dark Medium Gray, Light Medium Grey, Dim Grey, Dark Grey, Davy's Grey, Ash Grey, Fag Ash Grey, Battleship Grey, Gainsboro, Charcoal, Dark Charcoal, Light Charcoal, Warm Grey, Cool Grey, Cadet Grey, Cadet Blue, Blue-Gray, Glaucous Grey, Slate Grey, Light Slate Grey, Dark Slate Grey, Metallic Grey, Puce, Mountbatten Pink, Rose Quartz, Cinerous, Taupe, Dark Taupe, Medium Taupe, Purple Taupe, Light Taupe, Timberwolf, Dark Timberwolf, Light Timberwolf, Silver, Light Silver, Dark Silver, Paynes Grey, Black Olive, Android Grey, TV Test Card Grey, Raincloud Grey, Sleet Grey, Dusty Grey

No I can't see why women fuss over 50 Shades of Grey either
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Jimbob on 22 June 2012, 13:26:47
Grey, White, Black, Dark Grey, Light Grey, Medium Gray, Dark Medium Gray, Light Medium Grey, Dim Grey, Dark Grey, Davy's Grey, Ash Grey, Fag Ash Grey, Battleship Grey, Gainsboro, Charcoal, Dark Charcoal, Light Charcoal, Warm Grey, Cool Grey, Cadet Grey, Cadet Blue, Blue-Gray, Glaucous Grey, Slate Grey, Light Slate Grey, Dark Slate Grey, Metallic Grey, Puce, Mountbatten Pink, Rose Quartz, Cinerous, Taupe, Dark Taupe, Medium Taupe, Purple Taupe, Light Taupe, Timberwolf, Dark Timberwolf, Light Timberwolf, Silver, Light Silver, Dark Silver, Paynes Grey, Black Olive, Android Grey, TV Test Card Grey, Raincloud Grey, Sleet Grey, Dusty Grey

No I can't see why women fuss over 50 Shades of Grey either

;D ;D ;D
Title: Nun at the airport
Post by: dbug on 23 June 2012, 16:32:32

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Melbourne.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I'll give it a try and see what it tells me.'

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her coin in, out came a card that read, 'You are a nun, you weigh 70kg, and you are going to Melbourne.'

The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her coin in, and out came a card that read:

'You are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you are going to Melbourne and you are going to play a violin.'

The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong - I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.' She sat back down.

From out of nowhere a man came over and sat down, putting his violin case on the seat between them.
Without thinking, she opened the man's case, took out the violin, and started playing beautiful music.

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'This is incredible, I've got to try this again.'

Back to the machine she went, put in another coin, and another card came out. It read, 'You are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you are going to Melbourne and you are going to break wind.' Now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to herself, 'I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again.'
She went back to the machine, put in another coin and another card came out.




It read: 'You are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Melbourne.'

 ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: The Red Baron on 23 June 2012, 16:39:17
 :y very good.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 June 2012, 12:05:17
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12!

A man walks into a chemist with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for university men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied...

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 24 June 2012, 15:35:06
The Irish Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball,he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief.
'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Le prechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things
I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,'the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100 Euro notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also..' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: cleggy on 24 June 2012, 22:41:09
 Politically Incorrect Jokes of the Day
 
What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere!
What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel!
What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel Azhim!
 
 
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5. 


Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby. 


Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke
All I said was, "golly you're tall.".


They've had to cancel the panto 'jack & the beanstalk',in Birmingham , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley , Leicester & Luton:
Because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.


Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat! 

 
 

 
 

 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: waspy on 25 June 2012, 16:10:03
I saw a dyslexic yorkshire man today wearing a cat flap.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 25 June 2012, 18:50:25
Young lad is at home when there is a knock on the door, He goes to the door, he has stockings on, high heel shoes a little mini skirt with a push you up bra a face full of make-up and big hoop earings, A joint in one hand and a whisky in the other.
The gas man asks is your mum or dad in.....
To which he replies........... DOES IT F!!KING LOOK LIKE IT.......
Title: Al Qaeda to go on strike
Post by: dbug on 25 June 2012, 23:07:28

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut this April from 72 to only 40. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth"

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathise with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up".

Spokesmen for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

 :o :o ;)

 

 
Title: Blond joke
Post by: dbug on 25 June 2012, 23:12:53

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Highway 11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his
truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.  When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up
again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door.  Again, the trucker lowers the window.  As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.  The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.  When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, ...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

 ;) ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 27 June 2012, 16:47:01
In the past we had the likes of Bob Hope, Jonny Cash, Steve Jobs, now they are all gone, no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Richie London on 27 June 2012, 19:28:39
When I heard that my wife had been killed in an accident, I wasn't sure if I wanted to carry on.

But then I thought, opps it, the substitutions had already been made and it would have been selfish to leave the lads with only ten men on the pitch.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 28 June 2012, 12:00:01
My Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis should'nt affect our sex life, she may be right....but i'd prefer it if she did'nt have one.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: The Red Baron on 28 June 2012, 12:05:03
My Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis should'nt affect our sex life, she may be right....but i'd prefer it if she did'nt have one.

oh dear me. ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 28 June 2012, 16:53:27
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"

The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"

"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with
tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Richie London on 28 June 2012, 17:20:01
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun,

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"break off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
Title: Re: They walk among us .....
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 28 June 2012, 19:15:00
They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

------------------------------------- 

One day I was walking down the beach with some  friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that  dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

-------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

-------------------------------------------- 

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

------------------------------------ 

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped.  She keeps it in the car trunk.

---------------------------------------------

I  couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands.  'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived  yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

-----------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared  to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6.  He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

-----------------------------------------------
   
Dumb  as a box of Rocks
TRUE  STORY:

A  noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.  Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at  ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely  normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied.  'You ask a simple question which anyone should  answer with no trouble.  If the person hesitates,  that puts you on the track..'

'What sort  of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you  might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around  the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen  to have another example would you?  I must confess I don't know much about  history.'

-----------------------------------------------

Traffic Camera
                                                         
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..                                                               
                                                                           
You can't fix stupid.
------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 28 June 2012, 19:43:12
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this  from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week." 
Title: Self-assessment tax return
Post by: dbug on 28 June 2012, 21:37:06
I have just had my self-assessment tax return - returned.

Can you believe it?   

They sent my income tax return form back to me!

In response to Question no 4, "Do you have any dependants?"

I replied, "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable people, 91 thousand people in over 85 prisons and 650 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. Who in the hell did I miss?   

 ??? ???

 

 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 29 June 2012, 09:44:36

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"




 ;D ;D ;D Splendid. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Martian on 29 June 2012, 21:58:12
Mark Lawrenson during the Germany v Italy game "Germany need to step on the gas"..
 
Woah Mark...Let's not encourage them to do that again.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STMO123 on 30 June 2012, 10:28:18
Mark Lawrenson during the Germany v Italy game "Germany need to step on the gas"..
 
Woah Mark...Let's not encourage them to do that again.

Naughty  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: hercules on 30 June 2012, 11:09:24
the germans have applied for a euro bailout,apparently while in poland theyve been presented with a gas bill they breaked off without paying years ago  :D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Richie London on 30 June 2012, 12:47:29
When asked about his recent trip to Auschwitz, John Terry replied. 

'It was terrible, a real shock. Total disrepair, it's going to be ages before we get it running again.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Richie London on 02 July 2012, 12:52:57
BBC NEWS - David Beckham Devastated To Be Left Out Of Olympics .

Its not all bad news for the Beckham family however , as wife Victoria is being tipped to be used in the Javelin event.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: b4ndit on 02 July 2012, 20:32:11
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow , worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.



The Doc asks: "What's the problem,   Janet?



The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do.



Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."



The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.



When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of Water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."



Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.



She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came Home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished,  and he didnae touch me even once!



Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"



The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: CaptainZok on 03 July 2012, 13:50:10
A mate of mine was telling me yesterday that he always cries after sex ............. mind you, he is in Strangeways Jail. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tonka. on 03 July 2012, 15:17:47
 ;D  ;D  ;D Very good  :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: dbug on 04 July 2012, 01:46:30
Just bought the wife some crotch-less knickers for Halloween.
Nothing sexual. Just gives her a much better grip on her broomstick.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Omegatoy on 05 July 2012, 22:11:13
 motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is that I make $20,000 a year and you make $500,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....

"Try doing it with the engine running. :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Jimbob on 05 July 2012, 22:12:10
TWO PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally, one day Justin said to Christian 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
... A large mysterious cod appeared and said 'Your wish is granted'.
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could
Change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied 'No way man you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Kendo1690 on 06 July 2012, 17:40:56
Me & my missus' favourite sexual position is called the ''England football team'' Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no communication & we never make it past the 1st stage. There's horrible dribbling & never a clean sheet. Its
over far too quickly & when it does end I know it'll be at least another four years before it happens again !!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Richie London on 06 July 2012, 18:26:05
Why don't Welsh people count sheep to get to sleep. Because when they get to 5 the've got to stop and have a w**k
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Toledodude1973 on 07 July 2012, 10:43:13
My neighours were listening to some really cool music--then they asked me to turn it down!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Richie London on 07 July 2012, 18:33:18
The wife hinted she wanted something special and expensive to put in her bath for her birthday.

This Harrods top of the range toaster should do the trick. ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Richie London on 07 July 2012, 21:15:57
The makers of GoalRef and Hawk-Eye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season.

Apparently it dont work with goal posts made from jumpers.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Richie London on 07 July 2012, 23:42:53
I'm not saying my fat bitch of a wife has saggy tits, but her party piece is to flop them back over her shoulders.

Then kick them back with her heels. ;D ;D
Title: God Bless Britannia!
Post by: dbug on 08 July 2012, 23:11:18
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the middle east.
Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.


Britain, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Muslims.  :)


 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Richie London on 09 July 2012, 10:23:40
Two fantastic sporting achievements today. From the British grand prix in silverstone, to the grand slam in wimbeldon. Congratulations John Terry on your two successes. :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 12 July 2012, 22:35:29
I managed to get through to Babestation tonight.

The girl asked me what I wanted her to do. I said "Can you hide? The wife's on her way home and I can't find the remote!"

 ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: cam2502 on 14 July 2012, 12:10:26
A wee white mouse is running along the edge of a lake in Africa when he spots a hippo in the water.
'OI!!, fat git, out the water now!!' he shouts

The hippo looks stunned. ' who? Me?'

'aye you! Out! Now!'

So as the hippo starts to come out the water and the wee mouse looks him up and down
' acht it's ok, go back in, go back in'  he shouts. And runs further along the lakes edge.

He then comes across a rhino in the water. ' OI!, tubby! Out the water now!'

The rhino looks up ' me??'

'aye you! Get over here right now!!'

The rhino shrugs his shoulders and starts to come out of the water , once again the wee white mouse looks him up and down and says ' back in, back in!!
He runs a little further along and comes across an elephant in the lake.

' OI!!' he shouts ' get your big fat arse out the water right now!!!'

The elephant cant believe what hes heard.  ' me??!

'aye you, move it!!'

So the elephant starts to come out when again the mouse, looking more and more angry, stamping his feet on the bank shouts 'acht FFS, it's ok, get back in get back in!'

All this time a lion has been sat under a tree watching this wee mouse running along and shouting abuse, so he roars to the wee mouse..

 ' here you, what is it your doing asking everyone to get outa the lake, upsetting everyone ?'

The wee white mouse turns and says ' some bastards stole my trunks!'



Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Martian on 14 July 2012, 20:35:42
That Lynx effect really works.

I sprayed myself with Lynx Africa just an hour ago and I'm already starving and covered in flies.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tonka. on 14 July 2012, 20:54:23
That Lynx effect really works.

I sprayed myself with Lynx Africa just an hour ago and I'm already starving and covered in flies.


 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 15 July 2012, 18:32:49
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: mindaz on 18 July 2012, 09:32:48
Why Drink and Drive, when you can Smoke and Fly!  ;D
Title: Something For the Weekend?
Post by: dbug on 19 July 2012, 21:23:42
A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them,  “We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month. “

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
 
“You are back so soon...Is there a problem? “ the priest inquired.
 
“We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month. “ The young man replied sadly
 
The priest asked him what happened.
 
“Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
 
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat, “ admitted the man, shamefacedly.
 
The priest lowered his head and said sternly,  “You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church. “
 
“We know. “ said the young man, hanging his head,  “We're not welcome at Homebase, either. “

Title: Beware of The Older Woman.
Post by: dbug on 19 July 2012, 21:28:11
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.                   
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.                                       
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. 
                                           
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.                                               
"What's that?" I asked.                                                       
"It's a mother and daughter threesome" she said.
I said, "No" - excitedly. 
                                               
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night" 
     
I went back to her place. 
                                                     
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mum, you still awake?"
 :o :o :'( :'( ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tonka. on 19 July 2012, 22:46:09
(https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-J4Ez8xNpSOE/UAh6YkD3WbI/AAAAAAAAAcs/PX2Et3Udf8g/s480/.facebook_-1858446002.jpg)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: jonnycool on 20 July 2012, 18:39:01
Couple of good 'uns there  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: CaptainZok on 20 July 2012, 19:42:07
Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Martian on 23 July 2012, 10:39:35
You wouldn't steal a car.
You wouldn't steal a film.
 
So why download a movie?
 
Because I don't like getting shot at whilst eating popcorn.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 23 July 2012, 11:33:29
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?’

Al replies, "I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.’

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?’

The waiter says, "I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.

"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor,the cook say no Mexican Jews.’

Al isn’t satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?’

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor!’and goes back into the kitchen.


While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.’

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.’

"Are you certain?" Al asks again.

"I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!’

"SENOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 23 July 2012, 11:47:05
Work Tools Explained
                             
                DRILL PRESS:
                A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
               snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
               it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
               the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you  had
               carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to
               it.

               WIRE WHEEL:
                Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
               under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
               fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in
               about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'
               
               SKILL SAW:
               A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
               
               PLIERS:
               Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
               creation of blood-blisters.
             
       
               BELT
               SANDER:
               An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
               minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
               
               HACKSAW:
               One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
               board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
               unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
               its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
               
               VISE-GRIPS:
               Generally used after pliers to completely round
               off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also
               be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
               hand.
               
               OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
               Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
               objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
               grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove
               a bearing race..
               
               TABLE SAW:
               A large stationary power tool commonly
               used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
               
               PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
               Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
               for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
               oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
               implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
               
               STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
               A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
                common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
                butchering your palms.
               
               PRY BAR:
               A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
               clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
               50 cent part.
               
               HOSE CUTTER:
               A tool used to make hoses too short.
               
               HAMMER:
               Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
               nowadays is used as a kind
               of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
               adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
               
               UTILITY KNIFE:
                Used to open and slice through the contents of
               cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
               particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
               records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
               magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
               Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
               in use.
               
                Son of a b*tch TOOL:
                Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
               garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of
               your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you
               will need.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: mantahatch on 24 July 2012, 07:33:53
You wouldn't steal a car.
You wouldn't steal a film.
 
So why download a movie?
 
Because I don't like getting shot at whilst eating popcorn.

Fantastic  :y :y :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Entwood on 24 July 2012, 18:55:56
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'clit' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
 
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!!!!! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
 
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
 
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
 
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it every few years.


:)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: twiglet on 24 July 2012, 19:14:45
SWMBO didn't find that amusing at all Nigel.  Can't imagine why!  :-\
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: smithpa7 on 24 July 2012, 21:07:44
Women, do they never stop?

I bought SWMBO a vibrator last month...She hasn't stopped moaning since :D :D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Richie London on 25 July 2012, 18:37:57
As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.
She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed." So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 26 July 2012, 18:30:41

Renault and Ford have joined forces//...



 ;D ;D ;D ;D Splendid. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 26 July 2012, 18:31:59

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al//.....



 ;D ;D ;D ;D Very good P. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 26 July 2012, 18:33:05
Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.


 ;D ;D ;D ;D A wee bit of class there J. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Richie London on 27 July 2012, 09:44:51
I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in.

I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?"

"Yes honey."

"What is it?"

"It's the date of our anniversary."

Bitch.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Radar on 27 July 2012, 14:01:50
Gary Barlow has been chosen to light the olympic flame at the opening ceremony today.

He was asked by the International Olympic Committee to relight my fire :D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 27 July 2012, 15:04:37
Q. What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

A .Mask a pony
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 27 July 2012, 17:37:12
Q. What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

A .Mask a pony


 ;D ;D ;D That was quite sweet. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 28 July 2012, 08:28:29
I was at the Baths today and decided to have a sneaky pish in the deep end.The life guard must have noticed.
The t**t blew his whistle so oppsing loud,i nearly fell in.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 28 July 2012, 08:29:47
Rio Ferdinand has stoked up the furore by endorsing a tweet calling Ashley Cole a 'Choc Ice' - brown on the outside, white on the inside - for supporting John Terry.

I think Rio is forgetting his own mum is white. Does that make her a '99'?.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Richie London on 31 July 2012, 13:17:41
I've got an amazing anti-theft device on my car.
A Volvo badge
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 31 July 2012, 15:52:50
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 31 July 2012, 15:55:27
THE BROTHEL



The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County , Nevada , and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you, sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, surely a record in the history of brothels in Nevada , which date back to the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'
The man replied, ' Billings , Montana .'
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings ..'
'I know,' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
__________________
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 31 July 2012, 15:57:59
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function . The Interviewer took the opportunity to schmooze the good Doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' he asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked the Interviewer.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

The Interviewer thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 31 July 2012, 16:06:52
Cheer up everybody and read on to discover the true meaning of "E-cow-nomics"

Socialism: You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

Communism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and gives you some milk.

Fascism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and sells you some milk.

Nazism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and shoots you.

Bureaucratism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

Traditional Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one, buy a bull, your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Royal Bank of Scotland (Adventure) Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company using letters of credit from your brother in law at the bank. He then executes a debt equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back with a tax exemption for 5 cows. The milk rights of the 6 cows are transfered by intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all 7 cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows with an option for one more.You sell one cow to buy a new President of the USA, leaving you with 9 cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

Surrealism: You have 2 giraffes. The state requires you to take harmonica lessons.

An American Corporation: You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows. Later you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A Greek Corporation: You have 2 cows. You borrow billions of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abbatoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have 2 cows.

A French Corporation: You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads and ports; because you want 3 cows.

A Japanese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon called Cowkimono and market it world wide.

An Italian Corporation: You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A Swiss Corporation: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A Chinese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim to have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

An Indian Corporation: You have 2 cows. You worship them.

A British Corporation: You have 2 cows. Both are mad.

An Iraqi Corporation: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy.

An Australian Corporation: You have 2 cows. Business seems pretty good, you decide to close the office and go for a few beers.

A New Zealand Corporation: You have 2 cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...

A Spanish Corporation. You have 2 cows. But they are on urbanised land so you have to pay a fine and still get rid of the cows. But who cares, the football team is the best in the world
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 02 August 2012, 23:03:30
 ;D ;D ;D ;D All four very good V. ;D ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: cam2502 on 04 August 2012, 21:48:12
British summertime has officially been changed to Muslim summertime... Some Sunni, bit mostly Shi'ite
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SteveAvfc. on 04 August 2012, 22:42:21
I phoned the council today and told them I raped a fat ginger bird last night.
The woman who answered said "You should be phoning the police, not the council"
I replied, "F**k off, I'm not ringing to confess...I want the lights in the park fixing"

Frankie Boyle humor   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 07 August 2012, 08:18:11
I saw a dyslexic yorkshire man today wearing a cat flap.


 ;D ;D ;D ;D I missed that one. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: moggy on 08 August 2012, 20:44:57
Its my scouse nephews 10th birthday tomorrow.So we are going to put a tenner,in his nans purse ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: moggy on 08 August 2012, 20:50:32
Got stopped by the police today,just routine.They checked my phone, and accused me of having child porn on it.Cheeky bastards its a picture of my own cock ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: hercules on 08 August 2012, 21:02:43
i was watching the womens beech volley ball earlier until there was a wrist injury,its ok though ive got it strapped up and it should be ok by tomorrow  ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tonka. on 08 August 2012, 23:00:17
A review for Veet hair removal cream for men.
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.
Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain-crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself, which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect... ;D ;D ;D
Title: The Littls bird
Post by: dbug on 10 August 2012, 20:10:27
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him...


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!   
Title: Bull Sh*t
Post by: dbug on 10 August 2012, 20:12:13
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Title: Olympic condoms
Post by: dbug on 10 August 2012, 20:14:30
Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived ... I think I'll wear Gold  tonight."
 
Wife says, "Why not wear Silver  and come second for a change."    ::) ::) ;)
Title: Re: Bull Sh*t
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 12 August 2012, 12:08:34

A turkey was chatting with a bull.




A little bird



Two beauts there Db 8) :-* :y
Title: Re: Bull Sh*t
Post by: dbug on 14 August 2012, 17:14:45

A turkey was chatting with a bull.




A little bird



Two beauts there Db 8) :-* :y

Thanks Den ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 15 August 2012, 13:48:16
A review for Veet hair removal cream for men.
Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...[/size] ;D ;D ;D


Can't stop laughing ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 16 August 2012, 11:16:52
The Story of the Squirrel & the Grasshopper

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END.

THE BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile.
The squirrels' food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival, they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain’s apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrels food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.
He is shown to be taking drugs.
Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government, for enriching Britain’s multicultural diversity, praises the asylum-seeking cats, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 16 August 2012, 11:18:39
A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

( It's nice to see a blonde winning once in a while.)
Title: A LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
Post by: dbug on 18 August 2012, 15:35:50
A politician was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the politician. "How about global warming, fast broadband or the Refugee situation?" he said, smiling smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The politician, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, with a typical politician’s wisdom "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss refugees, computers, or climate change, when you don't know shit?"  Then she went back to reading her book.  ::)

Title: Retirement
Post by: dbug on 18 August 2012, 15:38:22
The other day, my wife Mary and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a shit head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing a third ticket.  This went on for about 20 minutes..
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.  :) :) ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 18 August 2012, 15:40:12
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Title: RETIREMENT BONUS
Post by: dbug on 18 August 2012, 15:42:23
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in their body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with  £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, an old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.  But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical  Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where sre your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.  :o
 

 
 
 

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 18 August 2012, 23:20:12
Bloody EPIC Varche and dbug!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
Title: Olympics
Post by: dbug on 19 August 2012, 01:13:45
The Somalian Olympic team have just sent an apology to the games committee stating "We didn't know that sailing and shooting were separate events"   ::) ::)
Title: Jet Fuel
Post by: dbug on 19 August 2012, 01:15:58
Shane and Phil were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Melbourne, Australia.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Phil said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Shane says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Phil wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Shane who says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Phil says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Shane says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Phil says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

What's that?'

'Have you FARTED yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand' ??? ???
Title: History Lesson
Post by: dbug on 19 August 2012, 01:18:37
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F . . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, now we're fucked!”

Little Hodaiki said quietly, “Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012.”

 :y
Title: Grease it well
Post by: dbug on 19 August 2012, 01:22:57
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 :-* :-* :-*
Title: ????
Post by: dbug on 19 August 2012, 01:24:48
A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realise I was talking to the sheep."

 ??? ??? ;)
Title: Chemist
Post by: dbug on 19 August 2012, 01:27:43
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers dont ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 3-10 [small] a 3-20[medium] or a 3-30[large]. The word condom won't even be used."
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said: "3-50."
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.
"Yes !!!!" she said " He's got one hanging there ....!"



The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50 ......................


He's the Window cleaner!"   ::) ::)
Title: Police Work
Post by: dbug on 19 August 2012, 01:30:23
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'   :o :o
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: mindaz on 25 August 2012, 11:40:52
Don't trouble troubles until troubles trouble you  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 29 August 2012, 17:22:45
Er indoors hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bars' wrappers.

She gets her Snickers in a Twix...
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 30 August 2012, 12:42:31
Three british paralympic wheelchair users have been banned.

They have tested positive for wd40  :D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 30 August 2012, 14:06:09

It's my scouse nephew's birthday tomorrow so as a surprise I'm going to put £10 in his Nan's purse.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 03 September 2012, 18:28:30
While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
 
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
 
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
 
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”
 
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
 
The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”
 
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
 
The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”
 
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
 
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
 
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
 
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”
 
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
 
“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!” :o
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 05 September 2012, 22:00:26
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend, and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, '

We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car !
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 06 September 2012, 10:50:28
Best one on here for a while  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 06 September 2012, 21:23:31
David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim Benefits in the UK.
From next week all the forms will be printed in English
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 06 September 2012, 21:23:58
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison ....
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 06 September 2012, 21:32:52
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?





















Here are the Answers

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt.Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ....]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

You can go back to sleep now ....
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 07 September 2012, 22:23:35
Can you believe it? My Income Tax return form has been sent back to me because, in response to question 4, "Do you have anyone dependant on you?", I replied :"2.1 million Illegal Immigrants,1.1 million Crackheads,4.4 million Unemployable Jeremy Kyle Nation Scroungers,900,000 Criminals in over 85 Prisons,Plus 650 Idiots in Parliament and the Whole of the European Commission."They said this was not an acceptable answer! So, who the hell did I miss out?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 08 September 2012, 12:10:52
God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.
You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.

Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish.
And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: des.allen on 09 September 2012, 21:12:39
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

Title: Re: RETIREMENT BONUS
Post by: Dishevelled Den on 09 September 2012, 22:12:03

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
 


 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D A wee bit of quality there Db. 8) :-*
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 15 September 2012, 12:12:13
A travelling salesman was passing through a small town in the West when he saw a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the stoop of his house. The little old man looked so contented that the salesman couldn't resist going over and talking to him. "You look as if you don't have a care in the world," the salesman told him. "What is your formula for a long and happy life?" "Well," replied the little old man, "I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night." "My goodness," exclaimed the salesman, "that's just great! How old are you?" "Twenty-five," was the reply.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 16 September 2012, 11:41:06
Royal corgi to get state funeral

David Cameron has announced there is to be three days of mourning, a public holiday and a state funeral in memory of Monty Windsor, the Royal corgi who sadly passed away over the weekend.

The 13-year-old Monty, who was previously owned by the Queen Mother and despite years of therapy and spells at The Priory had never been able to kick his life-long addiction to juniper berries, was recently seen out-acting Daniel Craig during a James Bond sketch featured in the Olympics opening ceremony.

‘Monty was brilliant in the sketch,’ said a Palace spokesman. ‘He greeted the secret agent, ran down a flight of stairs, performed a series of tummy-rolls and then, as the Queen boarded a waiting helicopter, wore a quizzical expression which said ‘what the hells going on?’ He was a natural.’

It is not all bad news for members of the Royal household, however. Following the death of the dog, Prince Edward now moves one place higher in importance in the Royal rankings behind Mr.Tiggiwink, a red-tailed falcon used by the Queen to keep pigeons off the lawn at Balmoral.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 18 September 2012, 22:45:37
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the till, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: jonnycool on 19 September 2012, 09:22:38
My wife woke me up screaming because the cot was on fire.
 "Calm down," I yelled, "It's got a one year guarantee." ffs
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 19 September 2012, 12:43:19
What is an Antartian? An Antartian is a term used usually in jokes directed towards personalities that lack common sense in everyday situations. You could substitute Essex Girl if you want.

An Antartian decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the Antartian begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...Barry the ASDA manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 September 2012, 11:52:17
A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: des.allen on 20 September 2012, 14:43:12

Buddhism and Mystery

    A man is driving along a very rough road in Tibet and breaks down near
    a Buddhist monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and
    says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?



    The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
    As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like
    no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks
    what the sound was, but they say, we can't tell you because you're not
    a monk.



    The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry
    way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same
    monastery.



    The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..



    That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had
    heard years earlier.



    The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,



    We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



    The man says, all right, all right.. I'm dying to know.



    If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk,
    how do I become a monk?



    The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades
    of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find
    these numbers, you will become a monk.



    The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns
    and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the
    earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you
    had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
    231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



    The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now
    accepted as one of us.



    We shall now show you the way to the sound.



    The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the
    sound is behind that door..



    The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I
    have the key?



    The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.



    Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man
    requests the key to the stone door.



    The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made
    of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind
    that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on
    until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...



    ....silver, topaz, and amethyst.



    Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .



    The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the
    knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that
    strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

















    .... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Title: Don't even think about it!
Post by: dbug on 21 September 2012, 20:27:29
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness.  Now, you probably won't remember but you were in a
pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay; you'll walk again
and everything but something bad happened. I'm trying to break this
gently but the fact is that your willy was chopped off in the wreck
and we were unable to find it."

The man groans but the doctor goes on, "We understand you've got £9000
in insurance compensation coming your way when you claim. We have the
technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your
old one did - better in fact! But the thing is it doesn't come cheap:
it's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.  So," the doctor says, "It's for you to
decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd need to
discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five incher before and
you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
However, if you had a nine incher before, and you decide only to
invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's
very important that she is involved in the decision."

The man agrees to talk to his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you
spoken to your wife?"

"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 21 September 2012, 20:51:13
My girlfriend was putting sun cream on."Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.
"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."
"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"
And that was all the invitation I needed . . .
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Martian on 22 September 2012, 18:02:04
Message to all muslims:

China says Mohammed takes it up the $hitter.......pick a fight with that lot!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tidla on 23 September 2012, 20:32:22
Females are the only known objects that defy a basic law of gravity.

The more they weigh, the easier they are to pick up.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Elite Pete on 23 September 2012, 20:42:49
Females are the only known objects that defy a basic law of gravity.

The more they weigh, the easier they are to pick up.

 ;D ;D ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tonka. on 24 September 2012, 20:12:22
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the UK for the first time was beingwined and dined by Downing Street.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.)
and was constantly sending hismanservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,


"A man is sitting on the well!"
Title: Re: Don't even think about it!
Post by: Nickbat on 25 September 2012, 22:09:16
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness.  Now, you probably won't remember but you were in a
pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay; you'll walk again
and everything but something bad happened. I'm trying to break this
gently but the fact is that your willy was chopped off in the wreck
and we were unable to find it."

The man groans but the doctor goes on, "We understand you've got £9000
in insurance compensation coming your way when you claim. We have the
technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your
old one did - better in fact! But the thing is it doesn't come cheap:
it's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.  So," the doctor says, "It's for you to
decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd need to
discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five incher before and
you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
However, if you had a nine incher before, and you decide only to
invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's
very important that she is involved in the decision."

The man agrees to talk to his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you
spoken to your wife?"

"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."

Brilliant! Thanks for sharing that.  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 29 September 2012, 13:04:18
An old one but worthy of repeat

The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 30 September 2012, 12:28:11
I was at at Asda buying a bag of Bakers Choice for my dog, while in the check-out line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Bakers Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensiv...e care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Bakers Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a kerb to sniff a poodle's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: des.allen on 30 September 2012, 19:02:39
http://www.youtube.com/embed/9wm-Ge8LL7o?rel=0
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 01 October 2012, 22:57:31
My girlfriend wanted to be on the Jeremy Kyle show,so I shagged her sister and got her pregnant.

we're on next week :D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 01 October 2012, 23:00:20
My girlfriend wanted to be on the Jeremy Kyle show,so I shagged her sister and got her pregnant.

we're on next week :D

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: millwall on 05 October 2012, 19:38:54
More scandel at the BBC as someone Is now saying they saw Rod Hull fisting a young bird. ;D ;D

Title: Mohammad
Post by: dbug on 06 October 2012, 14:28:02
Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin." Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.

"What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.

"Well ma'am, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two fecking Arabs."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 07 October 2012, 20:39:36
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
 
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.' ...
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 09 October 2012, 21:46:06
A skinny little man goes into a LIFT looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
 
The big guy sees the little man staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The LITTLE man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
 
The big dude says,
'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...................
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little whiteman says:

'Turner Brown'?     .......Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sehen on 10 October 2012, 00:50:46
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming like all the passengers in his car........  :o
Title: How to handle negative people
Post by: dbug on 10 October 2012, 22:57:41
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 

"Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?" 

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"   

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"   

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."   

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..." 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome   

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.   

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."   

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me" 

"Oh, really!  What'd he say?"     

 

 

He said: "Who the feck did your hair?"

 :)

 

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 11 October 2012, 09:16:45
I've just bought my wife one of those pug dogs as a surprise present, Despite the squashed nose, wonky eyes and trouble breathing due to the weight gain over the years,  the dog seems to like her.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 11 October 2012, 09:20:41
Women talk too much, but that's no problem for men because male ear is selective!

When a woman says:
"This house is a mess, Honey.
You and I need to clean this
Your stuff is all on the floor
You will be without clothes
if you don't wash them now!!!"

The male ear only understands:
bla,bla,bla,bla, Honey
bla,bla,bla,bla You and I
bla,bla,bla,bla, on the floor
bla,bla,bla,bla, without clothes
bla,bla,bla,bla, Now.. !!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 11 October 2012, 10:51:52
It's nearly halloween, and i need an outfit to scare the kids with -
 anyone got a gold shell suit blonde wig,
jewellery and a cigar i can borrow ?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Crazycarzowner on 12 October 2012, 18:06:49
I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.

I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the bloody pub.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: waspy on 12 October 2012, 18:25:10
I'm not sure who invented the Halal Meat Slicer, but I'm sure Abu Hamza had a hand in it ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 24 October 2012, 12:53:18
It's terrible all these things people are saying about Jimmy Savile. He was good to me.

When I was eight he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded. ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 24 October 2012, 20:48:50
An Arab Sheikh was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.

Prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arose.

As he had a rare blood type, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.


Finally a Scotsman was located with a similar blood type and he willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

Immediately after the surgery- to show his appreciation for giving his blood - the Arab sent the Scotsman

a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of weeks later the Arab had to go through more corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman

a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked, so he phoned the Arab & said: "I thought you would be generous again

but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street."

"Aye laddie," the Arab replied: " But I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 24 October 2012, 23:11:38
Just got one of those annoying texts:

Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Savile and could be entitled to £2,147 in compensation. Just reply "how's about that then" to register or to opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop". Register before the end of the month and get a free "Lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.

 ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Rog on 25 October 2012, 13:58:43
I've just bought my wife one of those pug dogs as a surprise present, Despite the squashed nose, wonky eyes and trouble breathing due to the weight gain over the years,  the dog seems to like her.


 ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D

Love it !
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Omegatoy on 30 October 2012, 07:19:45
Manure...  An  interesting fact
  Manure  :   In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be  transported by ship and it was also before the  invention of commercial fertilizers, so large  shipments of manure were quite  common
It was shipped  dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than  when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did  it become heavier, but the process of fermentation  began again, of which a by product is methane gas of  course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles  you can see what could (and did) happen.   
Methane  began to build up below decks and the first time  someone came below at night with a lantern,  BOOOOM!
   Several ships  were destroyed in this manner before it was determined  just what was happening   


After  that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with  the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them,  which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off  the lower decks so that any water that came into the  hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the  production of methane.

   Thus evolved  the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit) which has  come down through the centuries and is still in use to this very day. 
You  probably did not know the true history of this  word. 

Neither did I.   
I  had always thought it was a golf term ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tunnie on 01 November 2012, 16:37:38
New drink just invented, its called the Sandy. Its a watered down Manhattan.
Title: Seniors football
Post by: dbug on 05 November 2012, 23:08:49
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says, 'Goal.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'One each, tie score”....'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 2 to 1.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'2- 2, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
' I lead 3 to 2.' Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

 :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 06 November 2012, 21:17:50
Manure...  An  interesting fact
  Manure  :   In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be  transported by ship and it was also before the  invention of commercial fertilizers, so large  shipments of manure were quite  common
It was shipped  dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than  when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did  it become heavier, but the process of fermentation  began again, of which a by product is methane gas of  course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles  you can see what could (and did) happen.   
Methane  began to build up below decks and the first time  someone came below at night with a lantern,  BOOOOM!
   Several ships  were destroyed in this manner before it was determined  just what was happening   


After  that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with  the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them,  which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off  the lower decks so that any water that came into the  hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the  production of methane.

   Thus evolved  the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit) which has  come down through the centuries and is still in use to this very day. 
You  probably did not know the true history of this  word. 

Neither did I.   
I  had always thought it was a golf term ;D




An Oldie but still bladdy EPIC! ;D ;D ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tonka. on 07 November 2012, 22:24:01
(http://sphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/c12.0.403.403/p403x403/530720_10151355877706874_1947438454_n.jpg)
"Hello, Your Majesty, I've got great news!!"
"Hello? Hello?...........Can you hear me?"
"Damn AT & T"
Title: Seamus
Post by: Tainted Tony on 09 November 2012, 13:28:38
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*** would you say?'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 10 November 2012, 10:37:13
Why do men become clever dicks whilst having sex with a woman?  ???

Because they're plugged into a 'Know it all' !!!  :)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 10 November 2012, 21:21:25
For the broadminded only!  :)  Admins please delete if deemed offensive!  :-\

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/c24.0.403.403/p403x403/64583_192790140858642_980295074_n.jpg
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 14 November 2012, 22:00:00
AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

Look Frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 16 November 2012, 21:12:42
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
 

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Title: The Wife.
Post by: SteveAvfc. on 17 November 2012, 19:20:11
The wife walked in last night and took her bra of, with a cheeky wink she said "suck my titties". F@@k off !! i said they've been on the floor.  ;D ;D ;D ;D 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 17 November 2012, 19:21:07
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
 

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Like that ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 18 November 2012, 10:10:26
One for Cem now his English is so good and indeed any of our none English native speaker forum members!

Sign on company bulletin board:

 “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”
Title: Re: The Wife.
Post by: PhilRich on 20 November 2012, 17:27:16
The wife walked in last night and took her bra of, with a cheeky wink she said "suck my titties". F@@k off !! i said they've been on the floor.  ;D ;D ;D ;D





I had a fit of schoolboy giggles at that one! ;D ;D ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 21 November 2012, 14:40:29
Are you prepared for parenthood?
Test 1: Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After nine months, remove 5 per cent of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2: Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it; this will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3: Nights
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
*Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4: Dressing small children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.
*Time Allowed: 5 minutes
Test 5: Cars
1. Forget the Omega: buy a practical people carrier.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6: Going for a walk
1. Wait.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come back in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in again.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least six questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
*You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7: Conversations with children
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8: Grocery shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
*Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9: Feeding a 1-year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
Test 10: Entertainment
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11: Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
5. Drag random items from one room to another room and leave them there.
Test 12: Long trips with toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important notes: no more than a 4-second delay between each 'Mummy'. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
*You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13: Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the 'Mummy tape' listed above.
*You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14: Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put one cup of lemon juice in it.
4. Stir.
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work.
You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 22 November 2012, 21:16:35
A little boy said to his Mother. "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white.
His Mother replied."Don't even go there!



From what I remember of that party.You're lucky you don't bark.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: des.allen on 23 November 2012, 20:33:43

Magic Sandals

    A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the
    market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
    shop.

    From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
    foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

    So the married couple walked in.
    The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be
    interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
    man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
    being the Sex God that he was.

    The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

    The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

    Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
    tried them on.

    As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
    look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

    In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the
    table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
    hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

    The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 24 November 2012, 23:28:00

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Jamie, Mark, and
 Chris, they were a little confused at their present situation, and
 they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door
 was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty,
 and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
 
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Jamie, you have sinned! You are
 condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And
 Jamie was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his
 torment.
 
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped
 when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting
 example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous,
 covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.
 
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Mark, you have sinned! You are
 condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And
 Mark, like Jamie, was whisked off.
 
Chis, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when
 the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see
 the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Chris jumped up, taking in
 the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy
 bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
 
"Cindy, you have sinned ........"




Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 24 November 2012, 23:30:49

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
 
In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".
 
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
 
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
 
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and the postman came out of the wardrobe naked with his hands in the air!"



Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 27 November 2012, 16:47:40
A WOMAN'S POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my f eet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 27 November 2012, 19:12:15
The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:
10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will terribly sorry old boy, I am a little tired and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 27 November 2012, 23:10:24
Paddys wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married so they go see the doctor to find out why. The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help .
Being a bit tight , Paddy decides not to by a fan , but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act . After half an hour still no sign of success, Mick suggests swapping places . ' I'll have a try Paddy , you waft the towel '. Paddy agrees , and after two or three minutes Paddys wife has a moment of sexual pleasure for the first time in 15 years . Paddy turns to his Mick smugly and says 'That my friend, is how you waft a fooking towel'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 30 November 2012, 17:09:55
Impossibilities in the human world

1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

10 Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to friends see who else falls for it.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 30 November 2012, 17:15:37
A touching Christmas story to warm your hearts

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."

"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: mantahatch on 04 December 2012, 07:46:44
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
 
While attending a 'harmony for couples' weekend, Dave and his partner,
Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
 
 
He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's
favourite flower ?"
 
 
Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "It's
Homepride, isn't it ?"
 
Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 04 December 2012, 09:40:06
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win your money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

Grandpa said “I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it! How about I give you a demonstration?”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “Okay, Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “It's a bet.”

Immediately Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Then Grandpa says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Obviously the auditor can tell that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa then removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He now starts to get nervous.

”Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks with a smile, “I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage to do that, so he agrees again to the bet

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But now, Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands and is visibly distressed.

”Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

”Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 04 December 2012, 09:41:25
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 07 December 2012, 16:40:06
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:


1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in an Omega MV6 than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble, and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 15 December 2012, 17:58:31
Paddy is baffled by his orange penis. The Doctor asks him "Does anyone else in your family have this condition?" Paddy says "No". "Do you handle any chemicals at work?" "I dont work" Paddy replies. "Well what do you do all day?" the doctor asks. Paddy says "Watch porn and eat Wotsits"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tonka. on 18 December 2012, 23:11:05
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10%, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was lying dead on their porch . . . 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: acope on 19 December 2012, 18:15:27

 
 
Sainsbury's scam

Please BE WARNED!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern
European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into
Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an
experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over
to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both
start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip,

they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another
supermarket, in my case, Tesco's

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they
start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull
over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately,
and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your
wallet!
I had my wallet stolen Sept 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th. On October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and
twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for
this scam.


The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.


P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl
wallets are £1.75 and look better.
 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 20 December 2012, 13:27:24

 
 
Sainsbury's scam

Please BE WARNED!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern
European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into
Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an
experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over
to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both
start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip,

they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another
supermarket, in my case, Tesco's

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they
start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull
over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately,
and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your
wallet!
I had my wallet stolen Sept 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th. On October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and
twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for
this scam.


The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.


P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl
wallets are £1.75 and look better.

Lol,oldie but still good :y :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 December 2012, 17:03:07
A couple of jokes before we all go

1st Mayan civil servant to a second Mayan civil servant
"Come on lets have a beer it wont be the end of the world if we never finish this calendar!"


1st Mayan civil servant
" God writing this calendar is just so boring and repetetive. Do you think we should try and explain the concept of infinity one more time !"
2nd Mayan civil servant
" you can P*** off I´m a contractor"

If the Mayans had been any good at predicting the future there would still be Mayans....
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 24 December 2012, 16:11:49
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.  'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. 15 in the National School Rugby Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go.But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts,with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”   

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton and she was wet !

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c***?'

I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 24 December 2012, 22:57:09
Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? …but just for the Christmas period. ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 24 December 2012, 22:59:22
A beautiful and amorous Santa groupie decided she was going to give Santa a present he wouldn’t forget. So she puts on a negligee, sheer panties and a robe, and sits next to the fireplace on Christmas Eve.
 
Around midnight, Santa drops down the chimney and places some presents under the tree. He is about to leave when the young woman says in her sexiest voice, “Oh Santa, please stay. Help me keep the chill away.”
 
Santa replies, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
 
The girl drops her robe to reveal the see-through nightie and pleads, “Oh Santa, don’t go so soon. Let’s go to the couch and spoon.”
 
Santa, feeling flushed, replies, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
 
The girl takes off her top and says, “Oh, Santa. Please stay. Help me celebrate Christmas Day.”
 
Santa’s eyes get wide, but he still answers, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
 
Finally, she slips off her panties, winks at him, and says, “Oh, Santa… Please…”
 
With a smile, Santa says, “HEY HEY HEY! Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can’t get up the chimney with my D**k in the way!!!”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 24 December 2012, 23:02:20
With all the hustle and the bustle of Christmas........we all need a good laugh, so thought I would post this thread in hopes of bringing immediate smiles to all the good girls and boys in oof land..........lol

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there
He touched her neck
Then felt
her breast
Then drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set
He gave a
joyous cry
The hole was wide........
He looked inside
All was dark and murky
He rubbed his hands
And stretched his arms.........
And then he stuffed the
turkey.
May I be the first to wish your dirty little mind a merry
Christmas.
Hope you all have a good one,  :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 24 December 2012, 23:07:15
Mike walks into a Pub with a newt on his shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

    'Tiny', answers Mike.
   'Why's that?' enquires the barmaid.
   'Because he's my newt' of course, said Mike.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 26 December 2012, 10:25:09
Things learned from Christmas TV:

All crimes are solved in 1 hour.

The Good guy always wins.

When you’re trapped, you always find a way out.

A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.

All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.

When you’re a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.
Title: Christmas Joke
Post by: dbug on 28 December 2012, 17:31:22
Cop & His Horse

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir'  the little girl said,  'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a  safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said 'Next year tell Santa, the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
       
 ::) ::) ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 29 December 2012, 11:49:57
DSlug had been an Omega afficinado for years and had just got married......He was in the garage one morning prepping his MV6 for a blast when the wife walked in and in a demure voice said.......

'Hey Slug, perhaps now that we are married you might think about giving up the car maintenance and maybe sell the Omega...

Slug clutched at his heart, his face in contorted horror...

'Whats the matter honey'? The wife asked worriedly...

'Just for a second then, you sounded like my ex-wife' stammered Slug...

'Whaaaat!!' shrieked his wife ' I didn't know you were married before?'

' I wasn't' whispered Slug!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 31 December 2012, 09:45:24
The Scouser and the Gay Man

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a Scouser
(SOMEONE BORN AND BRED IN LIVERPOOL)having a few beers,
when a short, well dressed, and obviously
gay man walked in and sat beside him.


After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to
say a few  words to the Scouser.  Leaning over towards him,
he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and
smacked the shit out of the gay man.
Knocking him clean off his stool, he proceeded to beat him
all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and
battered in the car park and returning to his seat.


Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to
the Scouser,  and said, "I've never seen you react like that.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Scouser replied. "Something about a job."
Title: Texttalk for oldies
Post by: dbug on 02 January 2013, 00:13:20
Here’s something to speed up your texting!

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD - At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM - Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


 :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 04 January 2013, 19:06:12
Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other lady asked, "What's that?" "A condom," the lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." "Where did ...you get it?" the other lady asked. "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the second lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 05 January 2013, 15:28:23
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 07 January 2013, 13:15:10
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Miliband.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.

Miliband was delighted.

As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS,

When Milliband's motorcade pulled up, this time it was followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're UKIP supporters."

Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.

But today, they have their eyes open."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 07 January 2013, 15:09:01
Nice one, Tony!!  ;) ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 08 January 2013, 16:00:59
United Nations.

"England's not a bad country -- it's just a mean, cold, ugly, divided, tired, clapped-out, post-imperial, post-industrial slag heap covered in polystyrene hamburger cartons." -- Margaret Drabble

"Belgium is a country invented by the British to annoy the French." -- Charles de Gaulle

"In India, 'cold weather' is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass doorknob and weather which only makes it mushy." -- Mark Twain

"The Americans ... have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on an amusing and animated conversation without giving a moment's reflection to what they are saying and so leave their minds free to consider the more important matters of big business and fornication." -- Somerset Maugham

"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir." -- Stuart Keate
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 08 January 2013, 20:37:11
Top Form, as usual Varche! ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 January 2013, 09:51:04
Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk. After about two hours the first racehorse says "You know.... when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds.... I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived....blah blah blah..." In response to this and approximately a half an hour later the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah...when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds.... I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived.... blah blah blah..." Now it was about this time that the bartender (a greyhound) decided that they were drunk enough so he said, "I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds." The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, "Isn't that amazing (hic)...a talking greyhound!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 11 January 2013, 19:51:21
A Little Irish humour,

So this is for the benifit of all my friends who are confused or alarmed by the recent images being broadcast around the world, given that we are now 15 years into the peace process..

The capital of Ireland is Dublin . It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but still pay in Euros.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland , but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted any longer the North might now be in France.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of half a million, half of whom own houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning 'placebo', or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump their chemical waste and bi-products. Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are totally opposed to it. Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink!

We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum. Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin .

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.

I trust this clarifies things and has answered many previously unanswered questions for you.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 11 January 2013, 21:32:06
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £7.00!!!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 ;D

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 11 January 2013, 21:33:32
The wife was counting all the 1p and 2p coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

 ;) ;D

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 11 January 2013, 21:34:40
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Like 'em Nick :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 11 January 2013, 21:37:49
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

 :) ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: bigegg on 12 January 2013, 05:45:55
 A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

....LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

..........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 12 January 2013, 08:13:36
A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...
''Yes," was his incredulous reply..
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Elite Pete on 12 January 2013, 08:41:34
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 13 January 2013, 09:29:13
An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only £40,000″ the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, “By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.” he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 15 January 2013, 09:56:26
You could never hold an F1 Grand Prix in Ireland.

 As soon as the flag goes down, there'd be a riot.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: acope on 15 January 2013, 11:47:46

 
 
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

-----------------------

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

------------------------

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year’s Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturer’s Warranty Runs Out Soon

-------------------


2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma…
the other's got a dodgy tikka!

----------------------

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

----------------------------

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

-------------------------------

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 15 January 2013, 20:15:21
You've got to love the Irish Mammy!

Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy volunteered,
'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you??

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.



So he sat down and wrote



DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING
EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.?

LOVE PADDY



Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!

LOVE MAM.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 17 January 2013, 11:44:44
You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
· All of your friends have an @ in their names.
· Your dog has its own home page.
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have Skype.
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the toilet and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install Skype so the two of you can chat.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 17 January 2013, 13:31:33
Went into Tesco's cafe the other day.

Girl said "Do you want something on your burger?"

I said, "Yes, please, a fiver each way".

 ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 18 January 2013, 08:37:35
Went into Tesco's cafe the other day.

Girl said "Do you want something on your burger?"

I said, "Yes, please, a fiver each way".

 ;)
It is nice to see David Dimbleby browses the forum. He used your excellent joke last night on Question time!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 January 2013, 20:52:34
Burger anyone?

Reading the label on these Tesco burgers.... it turns out they're fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar

New range of burger elsewhere too - my Lidl Pony

Had a burger last night from Tesco's - gave me the trots

Bought some value hamburgers from Tesco last night, put them in the fridge, and they're off....

Despite the recent news, Tesco's say that their beef burger sales remain stable.

I've got no problem with Tesco burgers, it's the quarter pandas that worry me

I was in a Tesco cafe the other day. The waitress asked if I wanted anything on my burger. I said £5 each way.

I can't believe this has been allowed to happen. I think it's time someone new took the reins at Tesco.

It's been tough working on the meat counter in Tesco this week....I feel like I'm a flogging a dead horse

Horse meat in Tesco burgers......what's the odds on that

Just been shopping in Tesco got a bottle of Bacardi, bottle of Lambs, and some burgers......so thats white rum, navy rum and red rum

Had some burgers from Tesco for tea last night.....still got a bit between my teeth

Tesco have launched a new bap to go with their burgers .....thorough bread.

I don't know what all the fuss is about, I had one of those burgers and it was just Champion!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 21 January 2013, 17:47:17
I didn't fancy buying my burgers in Tesco today, so I thought I'd go to Waitrose and try their venison burgers instead.  Trouble was they were dead deer.....  ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 22 January 2013, 11:32:20
Some one liners

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
    Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
    When chemists die, they barium.
    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
    PMS jokes aren't funny; period...
    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
    We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
    Broken pencils are pointless.
    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.
    Velcro - what a rip off!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Radar on 23 January 2013, 12:36:56
Tesco are giving triple clubcard points on all purchases of petrol and burgers from Monday ....

The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: mindaz on 24 January 2013, 12:35:59
Why Drink and Drive, when you can Smoke and Fly!  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: mantahatch on 24 January 2013, 12:45:57
One bloke says to his friend, I am thinking of getting a strobe light installed in the bedroom. At least then it would look like my wife is moving when we have sex.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Elite Pete on 24 January 2013, 18:30:04
Newsflash: the Irish SAS have parachuted into a zoo in Algeria and released all the ostriches!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 25 January 2013, 10:21:32
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 25 January 2013, 10:22:32
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...
Here she is – in the middle of dealing with this Algerian Hostage mess - now this has happened to her !

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming :-
"You pig ! How could you have let this happen ? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant ! How could you ? I can't believe this ! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault !............Well, what have you got to say ?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again "Did you hear me ?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper :-

“Who’s speaking ?”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 26 January 2013, 10:44:49
SAS soldier goes to the palace to receive his MBE from the Queen. As he waits for the ceremony, he is told that the Queen may talk to him as she pins the medal on, or she may not. It depends on the Queen and it’s nothing personal.

He is standing first in a row of people, and is deeply disappointed when the Queen pins on his medal, says nothing and moves down the line.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees in the middle of the line, a yokel, dressed in a straw hat, an old coat held closed with rope, battered trousers, and wellies. The Queen speaks to nobody until she comes to the yokel. She leans forward and says something to him.

The SAS man is enraged at this, and wants to know what the Queen has said to the yokel. Why was he so special ? So with his specialized training, after the Queen moves off down the line, he scrags the yokel, drags him behind a curtain, rips off his hat and coat, puts them on, and waits at the far end of the line.

Finally the Queen comes up to him, leans forward and says “Heven’t eih told you to piss orf once already ?”.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Johnny English on 26 January 2013, 11:00:47
Bad constructioning  ;D ;D ;D



(http://i1127.photobucket.com/albums/l636/cybernomades/badconstructioning.jpg)



 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 28 January 2013, 13:20:05
The Redneck's Outhouse


Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"


Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."


Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."


So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"


"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"


Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!


"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."


So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"


Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"


Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"


To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 29 January 2013, 15:51:24
Fantastic, Varche ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 29 January 2013, 15:51:37
Ask your Pharmacist
 
The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two tablets," he replied.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 03 February 2013, 11:06:59
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,

watching the front door of the brothel over the road.



The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that?" says the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"


No sooner are the words out of his mouth

than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"



They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi.



When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.

"One of the girls must have died.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: farty_towels on 04 February 2013, 23:54:30
2 Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine . both are in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!

Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancee and she has said she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years together !!!!

After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."

Mr Patel said, "Yes, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away !"

"Look sir, you're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?!"

Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal sex for the first time. He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice & I'll stop." She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.:/

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

A Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! Its doing well! Prophets are going through the roof !
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Plomien on 05 February 2013, 22:20:21


Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal sex for the first time. He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice & I'll stop." She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch


;D ;D ;D ;D :y :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: BrightCars on 06 February 2013, 09:06:36
(http://i.huffpost.com/gen/600652/thumbs/r-CAR-UP-A-TREE-large570.jpg)

Guess, how it went up over that tree? ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 07 February 2013, 20:33:25
An American Journalist did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
She approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked her straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, 'Land mines'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: fastandy36 on 08 February 2013, 14:36:06
A farmer in Essex has successfully grown a field of dildos. Unfortunately he's having trouble with squatters. ::)

And the award for the oldest essex joke of the year goes to.......

 ;)
It may be old, but I'm 43 and never heard it before. I actually lol'd ..!
Title: British father
Post by: dbug on 08 February 2013, 18:17:52

A British man is drinking in a Sydney bar when his cellphone rings. He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole bar announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.

Nobody can believe the weight but the Brit just shrugs and says, 'We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically British. A future “Lion” for sure".

Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard. One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Brit returns to the same bar. Barman says "we were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's.

The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks "what happened, he already weighed 12kg on the day he was born".

The proud Brit father takes a slow swig from his Boddington’s beer, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans forward and says: “Had him circumcised”.

 :o :o :y

 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 09 February 2013, 12:21:57
An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 09 February 2013, 12:22:32
Before the battle of Bosworth the two leaders of the opposing armies meet for a drink.

Henry Tudor - "If I become king I'll build a huge park in the town of Leicester where visitors may lodge their horses and wagons when they come to wonder over my great victory".

King Richard III - “Over my dead body!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 10 February 2013, 21:50:19
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 12 February 2013, 12:18:43
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. 'What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ‘ England ’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it, full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water. It’s an environment protection initiative."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, Sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Anti-discrimination requirements, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled....."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
 
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats.
And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt; haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety again! Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: “”As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now to be encouraged  sir."

Nelson: "In that case. kiss me, Hardy."


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 12 February 2013, 12:31:23
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.



As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.



The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.



As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.



Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."



The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr. Cameron?"



Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: albitz on 12 February 2013, 17:33:37
Both brilliant. :y ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: ozzycat on 12 February 2013, 23:29:42
yes got to agree both brill :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Vamps on 12 February 2013, 23:34:39
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.



As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.



The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.



As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.



Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."



The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr. Cameron?"



Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 13 February 2013, 13:48:43
The Vatican are organizing a leaving collection for the outgoing Pope.

Donations can be made via Papal.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 February 2013, 10:24:06
Investigators looking into the on-going horsemeat in beef products scandal believe they may have traced the cause of the problem to a short-sighted farmer in Tipperary who was found to have a significant percentage of horses in his herd of ‘cows’.

David O’Neill, 72, was shocked when it was pointed out to him that over half of the animals that he was milking and subsequently selling as beef were actually horses. He insisted that he has never had a problem before but admitted that he did have his suspicions that something was not quite right.

‘I’ve had this farm for over forty years and all of my cows have always been cows before now,’ said O’Neill. ‘My eyesight isn’t quite what it was when I was younger, though, and I suppose I could have mistaken a few dozen here and there. It would certainly explain why some of the ones I’ve had lately have been more distressed than usual when it comes to milking time.’

O’Neill is blaming the mix-up on ‘unscrupulous dealers taking advantage of the elderly’ and has urged all other farmers in the Tipperary region to check their stocks carefully. After a thorough investigation, his own dairy herd was found to comprise 66 horses, 41 cows, two donkeys, a St Bernard and a solid oak table.

‘Through cataracts everything is kind of blurry so you’re working on trust quite a lot I suppose. I’ve dealt with the same guys for years so as long as I could make out that what I was buying had four legs and was about the right size I thought everything was OK and I never expected them to con me like this. That one cow was always a bugger to get in for milking, it actually being a table explains a lot.’

In light of the investigators’ findings, an urgent product recall has now been issued on all Tesco value burgers, 25,000 packs of Findus lasagne and over 100 gallons of ‘milk’.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 February 2013, 13:17:23
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town.

From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.

The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family.

In my young mind, he had a special niche.

My parents were complementary instructors:

Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.

But the stranger... he was our storyteller.

He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures,
mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future!

He took my family to the first major football game.

He made me laugh, and he made me cry.

The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.

(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.

Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors.

Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.

He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.

He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex.

His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing..

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger.

Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked ... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family.

He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.

Still, if you could walk into my parents' lounge today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.




His name?....

We just call him 'TV'.


(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)

He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'

Their first child is "Cell Phone."

Second child "I Pod.”

And MOST RECENTLY BORN WAS a Grandchild: “IPAD.”

OH MY----HOW TRUE THIS IS!!!
The scary part is how fertile they are and the gestation period for the next
intrusions are getting shorter and shorter!!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 February 2013, 19:18:58
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

I was planting potatoes. Suddenly she was standing there with her knickers round her ankles
I hastily spoke, "sorry you misheard, I said I was desparate for a fork"

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 15 February 2013, 16:50:14
While attending a harmony for couples weekend, Dave and his Partner, June, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower ?"
Dave leaned over, touched June's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?"

........ Thus began Dave's life of celibacy............!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 15 February 2013, 16:50:49
The Vatican has said the Pope has resigned because he no longer has the strength to carry out his duties

OK fair enough

At his age it cant be easy holding down a struggling 10 year old boy
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 18 February 2013, 15:55:29
I just tried to book my car into Kevin Websters garage.
 No joy. He said that he wouldn't touch anything over 10 years old
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 19 February 2013, 15:45:40
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

    The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.' The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
    The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.
    The third interview was with a old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

 
Title: Dyslexia
Post by: dbug on 19 February 2013, 22:11:18
I have sexdaily.  :y
I mean, dyslexia!  :(
Fcuk :o
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 22 February 2013, 12:20:46
Geography....................

(http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f272/Terbert/Geography_zps978030ad.jpg)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 22 February 2013, 14:57:11
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “,.... DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 22 February 2013, 17:03:09
Like it Varche..... ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 22 February 2013, 19:23:24

Criminal goes missing.......

(http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f272/Terbert/Criminalescape_zps0f96f7a0.jpg)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 23 February 2013, 14:40:33
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Sure now, we only have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 28 February 2013, 10:18:33
A refuse collector , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.. "No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 28 February 2013, 10:20:57
Murray feared his wife Ann wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Ann, what's for dinner?' Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response..

So he walks right up behind her. 'Ann darling, what's for dinner?'

'For God's sake, Murray , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 05 March 2013, 19:35:59
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: mantahatch on 07 March 2013, 11:01:45
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.


A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all kicked off!


Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"


Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don't think it's in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that's the one!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 08 March 2013, 11:50:01
A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Crazycarzowner on 14 March 2013, 21:28:12

    It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around.

    St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks.

    "What's up with those clocks, Peter?"

    "Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."

    The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock.

    The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate.

    "What's the story with that clock?"

    "Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's David Cameron's. We decided to use it as a fan."
   
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SteveAvfc. on 15 March 2013, 04:43:43
So, Pope Francis only has one lung.

He may not be able to give a very powerful public address, but at least the choir boys can outrun him.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 19 March 2013, 08:28:01
Hitler on the Cyprus bailout

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5R2JyU_MKg&feature=youtu.be
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 21 March 2013, 16:36:38
In thh Guardian on UK budget day.

Barclays announces £38.5m bonuses on budget day

Bank awards its investment bank chief Rich Ricci £17.5m of shares – which he immediately cashes in

(I read somewhere that he has had that much flack he named one of his horses whoisthefatcatinthehat?   ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: bigbadee on 22 March 2013, 20:10:36
During sex you burn as many calories as a 5 mile run.
Who the hell can run 5 miles in 80 seconds ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: albitz on 22 March 2013, 23:48:37
My doctor informed me today that Im bipolar.



I didnt know whether to laugh or cry. :D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 24 March 2013, 09:29:13
A Jewish man walked in to a bar and sat down to have a drink. After a few drinks a Chinese man came in and sat next to him. The Jewish man immediately turned and punched the other man in the face.
The Chinese man shouted, "You fool! What was that for?" The Jewish man replied, "That's for Pearl Harbor." Chinese man said, "You idiot, I am Chinese not Japanese!" Jewish man replied, "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"

The next day the Jewish man was sat at the bar when the Chinese man walked in and proceeded to punch the Jewish man in the face.
The Jewish man clutched his jaw and said angrily, "Owww, why did you do that?!" The Chinese man replied, "That's for the Titanic."
The Jewish man said, "But an iceberg caused it to sink, not me!"
The Chinese man smiled and said, "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 24 March 2013, 09:29:55
A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"
"Good. What comes after three?”
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"
"A jack"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 24 March 2013, 10:59:42
A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'
The man said, 'No one showed up.' . . .
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: bigbadee on 26 March 2013, 20:18:35




MAN RULES
 
AT LAST A BLOKE HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
 
WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
 NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE
 
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
 
PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
 
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
 
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
 
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
 
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
 
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
 STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
 OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
 JUST SAY IT!
 
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
 
1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
 
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
 
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
 
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
 
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
 IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
 
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
 
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
 
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
 PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
 
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
 
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
 
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
 
1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
 
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
 
1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
 
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
 
1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
 
PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH...
 
PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 27 March 2013, 12:07:14
SCOTTISH 'Three Kick Rule'

A Glasgow lawyer went duck hunting in rural Aberdeenshire . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Scotland and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Mintlaw. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom..

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 27 March 2013, 17:31:43
Health session with Japanese doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Title: Barber shop humour
Post by: dbug on 03 April 2013, 00:54:14

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.   As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.  The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.  As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.  Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you Mr. Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

 ;)
 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 07 April 2013, 12:51:21
The two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office. All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for breakfast?"
.
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Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied, quite tersely - "Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 07 April 2013, 22:28:52
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 April 2013, 09:41:54
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see.. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad
drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell
me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes
twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 April 2013, 09:42:27
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street; one from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.

They go with a government official to examine the wall.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that friends, ...... Is how it all works.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 13 April 2013, 19:37:06
What women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get a pay rise at work.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about wanking.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 15 April 2013, 00:16:16
Margaret Thatcher arrived at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter apologetically said -"Sorry we are not quite ready for you yet.
We are sending you back to your old job for a few days."
In a puff of smoke she was back in Westminster.
Ten minutes later, Abu Qatada was on a plane to Jordan.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 15 April 2013, 12:09:16
Margaret Thatcher arrived at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter apologetically said -"Sorry we are not quite ready for you yet.
We are sending you back to your old job for a few days."
In a puff of smoke she was back in Westminster.
Ten minutes later, Abu Qatada was on a plane to Jordan.






If only!!!!!! :(
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 15 April 2013, 19:38:34
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 16 April 2013, 21:50:55
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.







 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 17 April 2013, 14:27:03
 Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A
LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the dark! ' says Murphy.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 19 April 2013, 20:35:18
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
 
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
 
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
 
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
 
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
 
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
 
Just then they came upon another cave.
 
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'  Immediately, there was the answer.
 
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
 
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
 
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while,
and then spied a third large cave.  As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
 
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
 
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
 
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................
 
 
 
 
 

     
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 
Title: Lets try and cheer this bloody place up
Post by: dbug on 23 April 2013, 01:57:59
When you are over fifty who gives a ...........?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********************************************************************************

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling her boobs she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."

***********************************************************************************

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********************************************************************************

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so"
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now"


 ::) ::) :) ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 23 April 2013, 09:44:15
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Britons.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Britons.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Britons.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Britons.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages
and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Britons.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently the problem.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 23 April 2013, 15:16:39
It's just been on Sky Sports News that Borussia Munchonacentreback have offered 30 million for Suarez.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 24 April 2013, 11:25:23
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout  but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was £127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the checkout operator.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 27 April 2013, 10:40:41
There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
__________________
Title: Pensioners
Post by: dbug on 30 April 2013, 01:38:46
Two  businessmen in the centre of Manchester were sitting down for a break  in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with  only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,  "I bet any minute now some pensioner  is going to walk by,  put their face to the window,  and ask what we're selling."

No  sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek,  and in a soft voice asked, 

"What are you selling here?"

One  of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling  ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well... Only two left."  ;)

 

 

 

 

 

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 01 May 2013, 11:20:18
A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!"
Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 01 May 2013, 19:51:37
it was a parrot last time ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 01 May 2013, 20:47:53
it was a parrot last time ;D

Are you sure?,  Not confusing it with.....

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs £500."

"Why does it cost so much?" asks the customer.

"Well," the owner explains, "that parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is informed that it costs £1,000 because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot.

"£4,000," says the shop owner proudly.

"Wow!" the customer exclaims. "What can he do?!"

"To be honest," the shop owner admits, "I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 02 May 2013, 12:17:06
I suspect this was one of Dave Allen's jokes.

Man’s just about to walk into a bar, when he is stopped by a nun.
“Do not give your soul to the demon drink young man, turn away from here” says the nun.
“Sister” says the man, “Have you ever tried alcohol ?”.
“No” says the nun.
“Well, don’t you think you should try it before condemning it ?” says the man.
“That’s a good point” concedes the nun, after a quick think.
“Let me buy you a drink, so you can see what it’s like” says the man, “What would you have ?”.
“Well I don’t know” says the nun, “I have heard of something called a ‘Mar-Tiny’ or something, could I try one of those ?”.
“Of course” says the man, “I’ll bring one out for you”.
The man enters the bar and asks the barman for a whisky and a ‘Mar-Tiny’.
The barman looks over the man’s shoulder and says “Is that bloody nun out there again ?”.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: ozzycat on 08 May 2013, 16:06:16
got sent this by ralf quite good i thought
An 83 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady asked if he had been to France before. He admitted he had indeed been previously. The lady sarcastically said then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir. The gentleman said I didn't have to show it last time. Impossible! The woman said, you British have always had to show your passport to get though here the man responded by whispering ?well when I came ashore on the beach on d-day in 1994 I couldn't find any oppsing Frenchmen to show it to!?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 09 May 2013, 17:36:23
Voice recognition lift. Eleven

http://dotsub.com/view/6c5d7514-5656-476a-9504-07dd4e2f6509
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 09 May 2013, 17:42:53
Scottish Fash wind up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpYxhVEyOdI
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 May 2013, 10:55:01
From yesterdays Bury Times (Lancashire)

http://www.burytimes.co.uk/resources/images/2448220.jpg?type=articleLandscape

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 14 May 2013, 18:35:46
.............. but Deirdre, they got it all wrong.
I only took a 15 year old escort over to kev's for a touch up 




At this rate, the Hayley will be the only bloke left in corrie
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 May 2013, 23:01:54
This has to be my favourite this month!


Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having a cuppa tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Title: Pythagoras
Post by: dbug on 20 May 2013, 20:38:43
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 ??? ??? ::) ::) ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 21 May 2013, 12:49:18
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back...!!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: bishop1666 on 23 May 2013, 20:21:29
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!""Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse."Look what he did to my tits!" ;D ;D ;D
Title: Adult Riddles
Post by: dbug on 28 May 2013, 22:21:05
Enjoy  :)

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

 ;)

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Andy B on 28 May 2013, 22:57:16
From yesterdays Bury Times (Lancashire)

http://www.burytimes.co.uk/resources/images/2448220.jpg?type=articleLandscape

Only just noticed this .......... rarely look at the jokes bit.

I'll have to have a look on The Rock at the RSPA shop  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 04 June 2013, 20:08:40
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour", it says "You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never, ever safe to over take

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this in to account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver has, so helpful a device.

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling

Each journey's pretty fraught.

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bug*er off :o :o
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: AndyRoid on 04 June 2013, 20:22:59
For me, having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast.

It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: omegod on 06 June 2013, 21:11:54
For me, having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast.

It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.

Not great this one Martian IMHO !
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 08 June 2013, 22:44:43
A man left the following letter for his wife before going out.......

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset—I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table....

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. xxx
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: bigegg on 09 June 2013, 22:25:29
The Hulk just emailed me a picture of a cucumber.

I think.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: AndyRoid on 10 June 2013, 14:23:37
What's the difference between spitting & swallowing?

A few pounds of pressure on the back of the head.
Title: Ear Infection
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 11 June 2013, 03:51:10

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.



OH COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING!!!
Title: Re: Ear Infection
Post by: PhilRich on 11 June 2013, 20:13:30

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.



OH COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING!!!






 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Bloody hell Skrunts, this is the LAST place I should of stuck my nose in today!! Bloody good stuff! ;D :y
Title: Re: Ear Infection
Post by: henryd on 12 June 2013, 11:21:38

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.



OH COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING!!!

Bloody brilliant :y :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 14 June 2013, 04:52:55
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith" ...
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 14 June 2013, 05:00:14
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fking bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!':)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 14 June 2013, 18:43:53
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Nigerian, and a South African. . . all walk into a rather grand restaurant.

The maître d' gives them a hard look, and says,

"I'm sorry...

...You can't come in here without a Thai! "

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 17 June 2013, 05:49:46
A man is in jail for robbing 27 banks. One day
he receives a letter from his wife. It says...

Dear Peter

As you are in jail I will have to plant the
potatoes in the garden myself.

When is the best time to plant them?

Love

Susan

He sends her the following reply...

Dear Susan

Do not plant the potatoes in the garden as
that is where I have hidden all the money
from the bank robberies.

Love

Peter

A few days later he receives another letter...

Dear Peter

It's terrible. Yesterday twenty policemen
came to the house and dug up the whole
garden, but they didn't find anything.

Love Susan

He sends her the following reply...

Dear Susan

Now is the best time to plant the potatoes!

Love

Peter
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 05 July 2013, 21:01:48
Crow's mysterious death solved...

It merely required a government agency to to get involved.

Researchers for the Highways Agency recently found over 200 dead crows near Gatwick Airport on the M23 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu or some other imported pathogen.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The Highways Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 09 July 2013, 03:59:50
Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says,
"I remember when your mom and I got married.
I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.
"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."
"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."
"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
"I can't get in to these," he said.
"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Searcher on 10 July 2013, 18:45:02
Hope these are suitable?


If she's told me once, she's told me a thousand times. If I'm out with my mates, don't come home drunk...
And she's still narky about it when I don't show up til the next afternoon.


The wife has been banging on and on about her 40th for weeks and the day before her birthday, she told me how much she likes the new Polo.
Well I can take a hint, so I went out and got her one.
You should have seen her little face light up when she unwrapped that packet of sweets.

Michael Gove is planning to cut down on resits at GCSE level to stop giving people more than one chance to try and succeed after they've failed.
This is Michael Gove's 4th attempt at trying to make a successful education system after failing previously.

My doctor said I shouldn't have a vasectomy because I'm still young and might regret it in the future.
So I told him to look after my kids for an hour and then see what he thinks.
He's booked me in for the snip tomorrow.

Three little words...
Three little words that can make you or break you...
When she says them you know instantly if she really means it, if it's true your heart leaps, if she's lying your heart is broken...
If you're lucky then one day you'll hear and you'll know she's the one for you when she says....
"size isn't important"

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

It's going to get really dirty at bedtime tonight!
I'm taking the bins out.

My fat ugly wife tied me to the bed posts last night.
Unable to move, I could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of me.
She knelt on the bed, between my thighs and said
"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"
"My glasses, please." I whimpered.


South Korean officials have confirmed the name of the pilot who crash
landed a Koreana plane in San Francisco earlier.
He's called Land Din Wong.

Men go through 3 stages: Drinking from boobs, staring at boobs, and
growing boobs.

The reopening of the Maddie McCann case can only mean one thing -
A few coppers fancy two weeks playing golf in sunny Portugal.

The inventor of the computer mouse has died.
They should have right clicked and saved him.

Just arrived for Glastonbury.
Seem to have avoided the rush.



I was sat in the doctors waiting room today when the bloke sat next to
me asked, "What are you here for?"
I replied, "Actually, there's nothing wrong with me, but by the time I
get to see the doctor there probably will be."

Independence Day in America.
The day Americans celebrate the freedom to be spied on by their own government.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 12 July 2013, 08:10:28
A man takes his wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?

25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still celebrating"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 13 July 2013, 22:47:29
Crow's mysterious death solved...

It merely required a government agency to to get involved.

Researchers for the Highways Agency recently found over 200 dead crows near Gatwick Airport on the M23 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu or some other imported pathogen.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The Highways Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry"




 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Pure bloody genius that matey! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 22 July 2013, 15:07:09
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 26 July 2013, 03:18:22
Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.".................... ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 26 July 2013, 21:30:29
A Cavan driver is pulled over by a Garda on the N3 from Dublin on his way home. The Garda approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Garda ?"

The Garda says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The Cavan man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The Garda is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The Garda says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The Garda says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the Garda is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Garda looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five Garda cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior Garda from the serious crimes squad slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior Garda says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem Garda ?"

"One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The Garda responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The Garda says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The Garda, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my Garda claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the Garda. The Garda opens the wallet and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my Gardas told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

Title: Water Rates
Post by: dbug on 26 July 2013, 23:18:46
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That's a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Title: Warranty
Post by: dbug on 26 July 2013, 23:19:51
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

Title: Nursing Home Sex
Post by: dbug on 01 August 2013, 21:22:26
Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.   Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.  One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and  before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fool. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.

Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.  Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was OK.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!!  What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
 
 


 
 
 

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
 :o ::) ;)
 

 
Title: Re: Nursing Home Sex
Post by: Rog on 02 August 2013, 13:17:38

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
 :o ::) ;)


 ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D    ;D  Nice one
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 05 August 2013, 17:05:18
Top tips....

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another
song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having
a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with
your old bank statements.


WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove
the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their
dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by
Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser
disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

And the absolute belter for last

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s **t
anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after
wards
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Tainted Tony on 05 August 2013, 20:30:06
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...
 
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors
of a sunken ship.
 
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people.
 
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."   
And they did.
 
"Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing."   And they did.
 
"Now we eat everybody."   And they did.
 
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first?   Why did we swim around and around them?"
 
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 06 August 2013, 13:55:57
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the new Pope does.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 06 August 2013, 13:57:43
A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a good fairy who grants him 3 wishes.

The Asylum seeker says "I'm hungry." (POW)     a huge banquet appears!

He then says "Now I want a nice house." (POW)     a big mansion with a swimming pool appears.

He then says"I want to be British." (POW)     everything vanishes!

He asks "Where has everything gone?" the fairy says "You're British now mate, you're Entitled to Nothing.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 09 August 2013, 10:43:44
 A man is having food with his 9 year old son in a restaurant. Suddenly son starts to choke, has food stuck in throat, breathing get laboured.....man and few other try the Heimlich maneuver but to no avail....son is turning blue and man starts shouting for help.....help...help...any doctors...

At the far corner of the restaurant is this young girls in mid 20s who is reading newspaper with coffee and watching it as it happens. She gets up from her chair, walks to the scene calmly and asks everyone to move away.........

She holds the young lads testicles and gave them a firm squeeze.....and out comes the food article and normal breathing resumes

Father is over the moon and thanked her over and over again. At the end , he asks her, "where is your clinic, doctor?"

The woman turns and replies, "I am not a doctor.......I am a tax officer."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 13 August 2013, 14:15:56
 CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts
.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally, CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a tiger wood!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Rog on 20 August 2013, 08:08:20

Not mine . . . . . This list appears every year


TOP 10 FUNNIEST JOKES FROM THE FRINGE FESTIVAL 2013:

• 1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

• 2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

• 3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

• 4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

• 5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

• 6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

• 7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

• 8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

• 9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

• 10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 August 2013, 13:32:39
On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following groups of people are shipwrecked:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman;

2 French men and 1 French woman;

2 German men and 1 German woman;

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman;

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman;

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman;

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman;

2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman;

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman;

2 English men and 1 English woman.

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

Meanwhile, the two English men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Rog on 24 August 2013, 11:54:08
On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following groups of people are shipwrecked:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman;

2 French men and 1 French woman;

2 German men and 1 German woman;

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman;

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman;

etc . . . . . . etc . . . . . etc . . .


2 Welsh men and 1 Welsh sheep   :o
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: bago on 24 August 2013, 20:24:23
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres of course..

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: albitz on 24 August 2013, 20:30:41
 ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 24 August 2013, 22:31:37
 ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 25 August 2013, 11:03:00
1. A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: 78bex on 29 August 2013, 00:24:09
The new prince is a lucky lad

He`s an instant millionaire.
      He`s met her majesty the Queen.
            and he`s sucked Kate Middleton`s tits
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 31 August 2013, 14:11:18
I have just returned from the hospital after a bowl of herbs I was carrying in the garden blew into my face.

The doctor has told me that I am now parsley sighted.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Rog on 01 September 2013, 16:50:46
The other night I settled down with a beer, on my own to watch a dirty p***o movie.

It was a strange one, just a fat bloke sitting in an armchair w**k**g





 . . . then I realized that I hadn't turned the telly on                     ???
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 01 September 2013, 21:19:44
A few one liners that made me laugh

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Tell you what, never again.

Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?

My  ex-girlfriend’s a lecturer. But, then, aren’t they all?

I’ll tell you what’s a tough job: coffee tasters. I don’t know how they sleep at night.



Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: MR MISTER on 08 September 2013, 20:20:28
The other night I settled down with a beer, on my own to watch a dirty p***o movie.

It was a strange one, just a fat bloke sitting in an armchair w**k**g





 . . . then I realized that I hadn't turned the telly on                     ???

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 09 September 2013, 19:59:49
was working in Tesco, rearranging the boxes of soap powder in aisle 7 when in walked the young lady I pulled yesterday at the airshow.

She said "Oi, you told me you were a stunt pilot, you lying git."

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I replied, “No. I told you I was part of the Ariel display team!”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Crazycarzowner on 18 September 2013, 16:52:30
I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 18 September 2013, 16:57:53
I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Andy B on 18 September 2013, 17:14:33
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Crazycarzowner on 18 September 2013, 18:42:34
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

 ::) ::) ::) Groooaaaan!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: fastandy36 on 19 September 2013, 09:05:10
A man goes to the doctors, doc says 'whats the problem..?', to which the man replies 'Ive got an orange co*k', 'hmmm' replies the doc, 'tell me, how do you spend your days...?', The man replies 'not much actually, just sit at home all day eating wotsits and watching porn'...! :P
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 19 September 2013, 23:21:50
An artist's eyesight is getting weak, but she has no insurance and can't afford glasses or contacts. An optometrist who has seen her work offers to comp her glasses if she'll paint a mural for his waiting room. So she spends the weekend painting eyes, of all colors and various sizes, on all four walls of the waiting room. Just eyes, chockablock everywhere you look. The doc comes in on Monday, and the artist says, "So what do you think?"

"I think I'm glad I'm not a gynecologist."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 21 September 2013, 21:10:58
A keen golfer, who has spent decades on the fairways, one day comes home and says to his wife, "That's it. My last round of golf - ever!"
"But why?", asks his wife. "I thought you still loved the game."
"I do", replied the husband, "but my eyesight is just no good these days. I mean, I can still see the ball to hit it, but then I lose sight of it and it's embarrassing to hold everyone up while I look for the ball at every hole".
Well", said his wife, "Why don't you take my dad with you? He's got 20/20 vision, you know."
"Yes", said the husband, "but he's 89 years old!!!"
"I know that. But he's still got 20/20 vision, which is more than you have", said the wife.

The next day, the husband takes his father-in-law with him for his round of golf. On the first hole, he tees up and strikes the ball with a mighty drive.
"Did you see the ball?" He asks of his father-in-law.
"Of course, I did. I've got 20/20 vision", says the old man.
"OK, fine", says the golfer. "Where is it?"
The old man looks blankly at him and replies





"I've forgotten..."

 ;)   
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 26 September 2013, 09:03:43
Something to offend everyone!


I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: MR MISTER on 26 September 2013, 13:23:39
I tried one those football celebrations the other day, the one where you run really fast and then slide on your knees. However, I didn't anticipate the shiny floor and I smashed straight into the trestles supporting the wife's coffin.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 29 September 2013, 09:29:20
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the Rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and then mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.' "

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds....
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 30 September 2013, 21:15:30
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'

...

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

 ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 01 October 2013, 21:29:19
Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash.
The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers.
It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops.
All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.
Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe out. It was great.
You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything.
We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nickbat on 02 October 2013, 21:18:37
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you (you know who you are) who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse"

 ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: MR MISTER on 04 October 2013, 15:59:49
After my anal exam the doctor left the room. Then the nurse came in and said those five words no-one wants to hear. "Who the f*** was that?"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Andy H on 14 October 2013, 23:17:53
World's shortest fairy tale

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after
and rode motorcycles
and went fishing
and hunting
and played golf a lot
and drank beer and scotch
and had money in the bank
and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: MR MISTER on 21 October 2013, 13:56:18
Text messages

From daughter to mother:
Hi mum. Can you wash cum out of your hair or do you have to cut it out?

Mother to daughter:
It's nice that we can have such frank conversations dear. I've had cum in my hair lots of times, it will wash straight out, no need to cut it.

Daughter to mother:
OMG! I hate this predictive text. Look how it's spelt gum.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 30 October 2013, 11:38:36
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
 
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: MR MISTER on 30 October 2013, 20:27:13
My mate is addicted to brake fluid, but he reckonshe could stop any time.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 01 November 2013, 22:58:24
Text messages

From daughter to mother:
Hi mum. Can you wash cum out of your hair or do you have to cut it out?

Mother to daughter:
It's nice that we can have such frank conversations dear. I've had cum in my hair lots of times, it will wash straight out, no need to cut it.

Daughter to mother:
OMG! I hate this predictive text. Look how it's spelt gum.

 ;D ;D

A good selection of similar predictive text cock ups here

http://dontpkethebear.com/25-funny-auto-correct-fails/
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 02 November 2013, 13:01:18
MY NEW GOLF HANDBOOK
I have recently completed work on my latest book on golf and am quite
proud of the results. In order to market the publication, I'm asking
friends and family to spread the news about this essential read.
This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider
information that I have gained through my many years of experience.
 
Highlights include:
 
Chapter 1) The correct grip for, and how to Properly Line Up, the Fourth Putt
Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 4) When to Give the Green-Keeper the Finger
Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee
Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The book also includes the latest

GOLF TERMS
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
A Kate Winslett - a bit flat but otherwise perfect
A Kate Moss - bit thin
A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A circus tent - a BIG top
A Stevie Wonder – didn’t see it
An Arthur Scargill - A good strike but poor result
A sister-in-law - You're up there but you know you shouldn't be.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 13 November 2013, 14:47:33
On his recent trip to Ireland the Pope was asked what he thought of County Down?

to which he replied " it's not been the same since Carol Vorderman left "
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: al brown on 13 November 2013, 20:21:33
You can always trust people who like big butts..... they cannot lie
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: MR MISTER on 13 November 2013, 20:27:25
You can always trust people who like big butts..... they cannot lie
That took me a while.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: hercules on 16 November 2013, 21:47:50
a priest and a hindu are making toast when the priest says look at that there is an image of jesus in the margarine,the hindu looks and says I cant believe its not Buddha  :D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 16 November 2013, 23:03:11
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 18 November 2013, 14:38:21
HOW TO PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyse the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing c. If they have
messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security g. If they have broken the
bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking
for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic
Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way
that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tidla on 20 November 2013, 19:44:09
Popped into the local pub for a pint. Good to see the bar staff doing their bit for charity this Movember i thought.

Then again the lasses look like that every month.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: AndyRoid on 04 December 2013, 08:56:25
Talk is that the government are thinking of lowering the age of consent to 15.

Poor f***ers won't even be able to smoke a cigarette afterwards.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SteveAvfc. on 08 December 2013, 14:12:48
Dyslexics mourners have gather in South Africa outside Nissan Maindeelers  :y :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: MR MISTER on 08 December 2013, 17:56:32
Dyslexics mourners have gather in South Africa outside Nissan Maindeelers  :y :y
Quite ironic that. ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SteveAvfc. on 09 December 2013, 16:35:48
Dyslexics mourners have gather in South Africa outside Nissan Maindeelers  :y :y
Quite ironic that. ;D

Took a while Stemo before anyone noticed  :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 13 December 2013, 15:06:34
Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in.

What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: AndyRoid on 16 December 2013, 11:32:38
I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started f***ing her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad.

I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."
 
He said, "I'm not."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 16 December 2013, 12:05:03
Santa's having a quiet day in the Grotto, when a young girl walks in.

"Ho ho ho! Hello little girl, now how old are you?"

"Oh I'm only 18 Santa" said the girl.

"Well come here, sit on Santa's face and show me what a naughty girl you are!!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 04 January 2014, 13:32:20
A banker,a daily mail reader and a Romanian find a packet of 12 doughnuts,the banker takes 11 and says to the Daily Mail reader,"He's after your doughnut"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 07 January 2014, 10:45:22
An Arsenal fan, Liverpool fan, Man Utd fan and a Swansea fan all go to the pub for a drink together.

The Arsenal fan buys a round of drinks for all four of them, then the Liverpool fan buys a round. The Man Utd fan buys the next round, and finally it's the Swansea fan's round, but he comes back with only 3 drinks and puts them in front of the Arsenal and Liverpool fans, and himself.

The Man Utd fan asks, "Where's my drink?", to which the Swansea fan replies, "It's the 4th round, and you're not in it!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: AndyRoid on 07 January 2014, 21:36:33
I asked the wife for anal sex the other day.
She said she will let me up her dirt box the day that hell freezes over.

-34 degrees in America at the moment says that she better get herself lubed up.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Johnny English on 08 January 2014, 20:19:16
The husband arrived , empty house, nobody all around just a short massage on the door of fridge : "Honey it doesn't work anymore, I'm off to my mother."  He opened the fridge, the lamp was lighting, the beer was cold. "What the f*ck does she talk about ... ?!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nick W on 08 January 2014, 21:25:48
What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?
Lies awake, wondering if there is a dog.

And one of my favourites:

 How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
Nobody knows, it's never been tried.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: AndyRoid on 11 January 2014, 18:39:50
After knocking down a kid with my car, my wife told me to turn myself into the police.

So I bought a uniform and started shooting black people.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: MR MISTER on 14 January 2014, 21:16:04
After knocking down a kid with my car, my wife told me to turn myself into the police.

So I bought a uniform and started shooting black people.
They're not fussy, they'll shoot anyone. ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 15 January 2014, 10:24:52
A few cricket jokes

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car at high speed?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.



Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommy cricket team?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommy cricket team and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 16 January 2014, 10:58:16
A London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office
to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a
lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the
car door, zooming off without stopping.
More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche!
My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel
beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in
disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche
owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror. ‘Oh NO!' he screams... Where's
my Rolex????..
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 19 January 2014, 15:33:59
A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ... Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 20 January 2014, 12:39:08
A teacher starts a new job at a primary school in Liverpool and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if you're not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Hull City fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Hull fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Hull and are Hull City fans, so I'm a Hull City fan too!"

"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a Hull fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"

"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

 :P :P :P
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 20 January 2014, 18:26:39
Uncle STEMO would have enjoyed that!  ;) Shame he's departed...  ;D ;D ;D





Although I expect he's lurking....  :P
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 23 January 2014, 15:02:42
http://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/the-most-british-things-that-have-ever-happened

41 interesting or amusing pictures
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Johnny English on 24 January 2014, 10:08:16
Monsieur Jean-Jacque Pee goes to the office to change his own name.
" Well, I absolutely accept your intention, Monsieur! Erm...and what is your desired name? "
" Francois Pee! " ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 28 January 2014, 16:44:43
Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 28 January 2014, 16:45:30
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,  "Hey, I haven't seen you

in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
 
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
 
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
 
"Well," said the pirate,
"We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
 
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened

to your hand?"
The pirate explained,"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a

sword fight.My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
 
"What about that eye patch?"
 
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over.
I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
 
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
 
"It was my first day with the hook."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Searcher on 01 February 2014, 14:55:03

The police have announced that they will not be probing Nigella Lawson over cocaine claims.
Although admitting that most officers had thought about it.


I was laughing at this woman trying for ages to park a car when I suddenly realised how thoughtless I was being.
So I called my mates to come watch - they loved it.

I parked my car in a street in Glasgow near the football match I was going to watch, a boy came up to me and said, "I'll watch you car for £2 Mister!"

"Nah you're alright son, my 'Pitbull' in the back's got it covered." I said.
"That's cool," he replied, "Does he put out fires too............?"


My wife says we never agree on anything.
I disagree.

Don't ever ask rhetorically; "What is wrong with me?" in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She's still telling me.



90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.

My divorce is almost final, so soon I'll be free and single again.
I shouldn't have any trouble finding a new girl, though - if I've learned anything from the Internet, it's that hot chicks really go for grey-haired, balding older guys like me.


I have a soft spot for my mother-in-law.
It's out in the garden, behind the shed.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Crazycarzowner on 05 February 2014, 18:54:40
Nicked from another site but made me chuckle -

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in a lift, I was staring at her boobs when she said "Would you please press one?"

So I did

I don't remember much after that!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Andy H on 06 February 2014, 21:51:10
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. "

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a f....ing tie!”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 07 February 2014, 12:24:25
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. "

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a f....ing tie!”

LOL ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 08 February 2014, 13:34:11
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see
100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.


Barak goes first.

“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent,

There is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”


David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:

“What will England be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”

David replies,

“Buggered if I know! It's not in English!”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 08 February 2014, 13:40:17
Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet
hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good
strong bed."


'We have many suites', then the clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,


'Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used
to it.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Searcher on 11 February 2014, 23:22:13
  My apologies to anyone (Our Scottish Members) I have offended.


Alex Salmond is seeing a fortune teller.

Concentrating very hard the fortune teller closes her eyes and says:
"I see you going down a large street, in a car with the top down, and
people are yelling 'Hurrah!'"

Alex smiles and asks, "So, the crowd is happy?"

"Oh yes, like never before!"

"And are the people running behind the car?"

"Yes, they are all around the car, they are going daft! The police are
having trouble clearing the way and controlling the crowd!"

"Are the people carrying flags?"

"Oh yes, Scottish flags and banners with words of hope for a better future."

"Really, and the people are yelling and singing?"

"Oh yes, the people are yelling out messages of hope, that everything
will be better now!"

"And me, how am I reacting to all this?”

"I can't see."

"Why?"

"The coffin is closed..."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 13 February 2014, 21:20:43
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
………………………………...........................................

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
………………………………...................................................
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"
………………………………...............................................

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
……………………………….........................................
Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Searcher on 14 February 2014, 09:01:36

The Big Come on.

"Have you ever seen twenty Pounds all crumpled up?". . . the woman
asked her husband.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile,

unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,
silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty Pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty Pound note from her, and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen fifty Pounds all crumpled up?" . . . she then asked
her husband.

"Uh . . . no, I haven't," he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile,

 pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers and pulled out a
crumpled fifty Pound note.

He took the crumpled fifty Pound note and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen thirty thousand Pounds all crumpled
up?"

"No way, " he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused . . . and
excited).

...

...

...

"Well go and look in the garage," she said


 :) :) :)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 February 2014, 15:00:34
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral

                a voice from the inside screams

                " I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out !"

 

               The vicar smiles , leans forward sucking air through his teeth,

                and mutters

               " Too oppsing late pal, I've already done the paperwork"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 15 February 2014, 14:25:01
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then
when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get
ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every
day........
........... and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 15 February 2014, 15:12:42
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then
when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get
ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every
day........
........... and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Signed: Woody Allen

An excellent plan though. :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Searcher on 17 February 2014, 09:13:07
He was in ecstasy, a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards,forward, then backwards again...back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.







She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the


small of her back, she was getting near to the end.








Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, then she moaned, softly at first, then louder.





Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.










"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the flamin’ car! You do it...YOU SMUG B*STARD !"


                      --------------------------------------------------------------
                      ---------------------------------------------------------------

After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.

"That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned.

My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist.

"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."

Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch.

"What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."

Me and John stared a while then I said, "Dave, Thats a Casio."

"I know," he sighed. "My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister's bed."



                             ------------------------------------------------------------
                             ---------------------------------------------------------------

When arguing with the wife I found out...

I can either be right or happy.

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Searcher on 23 February 2014, 13:24:18
Only in the USA


The following text message appeared on a man's iPhone from his
next-door neighbor:


"I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

 I have been tapping
your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

 I can no longer live
with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my
promise that it won't happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.















A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn auto correct. I meant
'wifi' not 'wife.'"




Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 23 February 2014, 19:48:11
Tonsils vs. Circumcision


Two little boys are in the hospital for an operation next day.

The older boy leans over and asks,
"What are you having done?"

The second boy says,
"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says,
"You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,
they give you lots of ice cream.
It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks,
"What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Searcher on 24 February 2014, 15:46:40
When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first.
And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

DFS now have two seater sofas available with 50% off...
They're called Armchairs.

"Daddy, who's that man sitting in the kitchen?" asked my daughter.
"That's the doctor, he's come to see your mother."
"Well, is he going up to see her?"
"Yes, but I thought I'd let him sit and wait like they do to us."


I opened the door for a lady today.
I normally don't bother with such outdated customs, but she was blonde and couldn't figure it out for herself.


Just bought a car off Chris Moyles... there's no tax on it!

It's my wife's birthday next week, and thankfully she's made it easy for me this year.
She has been dropping hints all week.
"My wardrobe is so full of boring clothes"
"These old rags are so horrible"
"If I have to spend another day in these 1950s housewife clothes I will cry"
She's also left her large collection of over 20 catalogues dotted all around the house. So it's decided.
We're gonna get rid of all her clothes and she can be done with those catalogues once and for all - and I've given her the perfect gift.
I can't wait to see her face when the Skip arrives next Tue

You know times are hard when the British Government can't even afford to go to war with Arabs and has to take the train to Scotland to fight over oil.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Searcher on 25 February 2014, 11:55:52
"What's the problem?" The doctor asked.

I replied, "When I urinate, it smells of anything that I've eaten or drunk. For instance, if I eat sugar puffs it smells of sugar puffs, or if I drink a chicken Cup-a-Soup it smells of a chicken Cup-a-Soup. What can I do to make my pee smell like pee doctor?"

"Have you tried drinking Foster's?"

My wife started a blazing row earlier.


"Why don't you do any maintenance round the garden anymore?" she shouted. "Everything's falling to bits and all you do is sit on your arse and drink beer!"

"How dare you talk to me like that." I screamed. "You want to watch your lip!"
Anyway, things escalated from there and the end result is that I've been forced to lay a new patio.

"I think the money Wayne Rooney earns is crazy; £300,000 per week, when our soldiers are putting their lives on the line for £20,000 per year.

What do you think?"

"I look at it two ways Dave. Firstly, If any of the soldiers could play football like he can, they'd be earning the same as him to do it."

"Yeh, maybe. And your other view?"

"Wayne Rooney can't even write his name with crayons, would you really want him to watch your back with a machine gun?"

I'm not sure if it's just me but the Winter Paralympics doesn't really sound like a good idea...

I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Searcher on 26 February 2014, 19:28:03
(http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l214/widowmaker_02/TwentyPoonds_zps676cc03a.png) (http://s97.photobucket.com/user/widowmaker_02/media/TwentyPoonds_zps676cc03a.png.html)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

New Scots £20 Note



The Wife


The wife and I were having a massive row.
"I'm so disappointed in you," she said. "When we got married I thought you were a brave man."
"Yes," I replied, "and so did all my my friends."

:) :) :)

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Searcher on 01 March 2014, 14:58:11
Manchester United bra.

    Bought the wife a Manchester United bra. She said the support is c r a p and that it won't be long till the t i t s are out of both cups.

 :) :) :)

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 March 2014, 21:34:40
Alex Salmond was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained Alex, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alex searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Alex, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"
Title: Fluctuations
Post by: dbug on 02 June 2014, 21:10:02
I was at my bank today; there was a short queue.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was very irritated ...
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"  ;)

Title: SMOKING IN THE RAIN!
Post by: dbug on 12 June 2014, 22:56:46
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any chemists.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemists and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.  :o

 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Radar on 20 June 2014, 22:31:04
Whats the difference between a tea bag and the England football team? ...... A tea bag stays in the cup for longer
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 07 July 2014, 18:28:11
A doctor addressing a large audience in Oxford:
 
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake"....
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 12 July 2014, 10:22:26
A recent study has shown that 25% of women are on medication for mental problems.....  :-\



Which means that 75% of women are running round untreated!  :o  :)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 July 2014, 13:43:26
HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him
if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't
explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you,
too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me any more. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:
The Omega wouldn't start today, but at least I got a shag.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 July 2014, 14:02:20
I heard that England were going to arrange a football match against a team from Iceland because they thought they would be more equally matched. If it was a success they were then going to arrange more matches with teams from Waitrose, Sainsburys and Morrisons.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Temetsy on 17 July 2014, 11:09:26
HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him
if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't
explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you,
too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me any more. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:
The Omega wouldn't start today, but at least I got a shag.
Laughed way too much ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 18 July 2014, 11:46:26
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Cheryl, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour??"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 07 August 2014, 11:55:30
An old one but it always makes me smile :) :)

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato bags.

Then try 50lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 08 August 2014, 18:51:19
Celtic are changing their name to Oscar Pistorius FC.
They lost both legs and only managed 4 shots on target.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Rog on 09 August 2014, 09:16:50


When you are dead, you don't know that you're dead, but it's hard for people around you.








It's the same if you're stupid . . . .


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 16 August 2014, 11:19:33
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 24 August 2014, 16:52:49
A suspicious looking man is stopped at border control while driving a motorbike with a bag on the back.
The customs official at the border crossing asks the man to produce his identification, which he does, and it all checks out fine. He then 'asks what's in the bag?'
The man on the bike replies 'sand'. Lo and behold, when the bag is checked, it just contains sand.

Having remembered the odd case of the man on a motorbike with a bag of sand, the guy at customs recognises the same suspicious man coming to the same border crossing twice a month for 6 months, always with a bag of sand, and always with the right identification.
After those 6 months, curiousity gets the better of the customs official, and the next time he sees the man on the bike he stops him for a chat.

'Listen mate', he says. 'You've been coming here every 2 weeks for 6 months, always with a bag of sand that checks out. I can never find anything on you, but I'm convinced you are smuggling something across the border. If you tell me how you are getting away with it, I promise I won't arrest you, I'm just curious'.

The man gives him a long stare, but eventually says slowly 'Are you sure you won't arrest me?'. The custom official swears to God that he will not tell a soul, and it's only to stop him wondering about it.

'Fine' the man says. 'I have been smuggling something over the border'.

'What is it?!' cries the customs official.

The man replies 'Motorcycles'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 03 September 2014, 18:11:26
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penls also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
Title: Dead Duck
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 12 September 2014, 23:52:38
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 16:59:12
Jack is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse
appears to give him a partial sponge bath.


"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?"


Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet."


He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"


Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir!"


The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 17:05:01
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer, let's go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......


"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink. Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer Willie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"





Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 17:07:33
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it".

Very good, Suzie, replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully", he said.

Excellent, Michael!

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,Beautiful, ......just ******* beautiful"!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 17:17:10
Little Patrick asked for a Bike for his Birthday.
His Dad said, "We'd get you one son, but our Mortgage is £80,000 and your Mum has lost her job."
Next day Patrick is walking out the door with his suitcase packed. His Dad asks, "Where are you going son?"
Patrick replied " I walked past your room last night & heard you tell Mum you were pulling out, then I heard Mum tell you to wait 'coz she was coming too!"
"I'm not staying here on me own with an £80,000 Mortgage & no fooking bike!"




Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 17:19:39
IT POSTED THAT B##TARD THE CURSING BE AND FANNY PROPER
A FEEL YOU'LL BACKWARDS THIS READ TO BOTHERED YOU'VE
TIME THE BY.  ;D ;D

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 17:21:20

What's the difference between a soldier and a sailor???



You can't dip sailors in your boiled egg!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 17:25:33
Hakimara and joshimuru are two public workers for Tokyo city council. They have both been employed by the council for thirty years cleaning the city' sewers. Both are invited to a ceremony to honour workers for long service and attend with their families.

The mayor calls Hakimara and Joshimuru onto the stage to present their awards.

"Tell me Hakimara", says the Mayor, "You have both been doing this job for thirty years now without complaint and without either of you taking a day sick or industrial action. You must be happy in your work"

Hakimara tells the mayor that he has indeed enjoyed his work over the many years and smiles proudly as his medal is awarded.

The mayor turns to Joshimuru and say, "Well Joshimuru, it is indeed an honour to meet two such dedicated workers. You must know each other very well after working together for so long".

Joshimuru replies "Honourable Mayor, I am sad to say that Hakimara and I have never met before. He always works a 12 hour night shift and I always work a 12 hour day shift. Until today we had never met despite both of us working to maintain the sewers of the city in pristine condition for thirty years.

The mayor turns again to Hakimara and says, "Surely Hakimara this cannot be true. You have never met in thirty years? Can this really be the case?"

Hakimara looks at the Mayor and says

"Honourable mayor, it is indeed true, we are like two nips that pass in the shite!"  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 17:26:54
I was out walking my dog yesterday when I came into a large clearing in a woods at the end of a rutted and muddy track. There I saw a man standing at the rear of a Scania rigid lorry. He had his trousers round his ankles and he was thrusting back and forward with his buttocks. As i came closer I saw that he had his penis in the exhaust pipe and was in the throes of ecstasy as he shagged the tailpipe. I ran to a phone and called the police who warned me not to approach the male. They had dealt with him before and they believed he was HGV positive!  :D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 17:32:25
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first. Inch by inch. Until I was fully inside her.

Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amourous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered "Baaaaaaaaaaaa" and rejoined the flock. :D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 17:35:02
What would you rather have...

Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?

Parkinson's of course. Better to spill half your beer than forget where the hell you put it.  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 17:39:11
An elderly Sailor lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of Pussers rum wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, sitting on the table was a bottle of Pussers rum. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the tot before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the glass at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by His wife . . . . . . . .
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

"opps off " she said, "That's for the funeral"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 17:52:20
The Dinner Date

During class,a teacher trying to teach good manners,asks the students
"If you were on a date,having supper with a nice young lady,how would
you tell her that you have to go to the toilet? Michael"

Michael "Just a minute,i have to go for a pee."

Teacher "that would be rude & impolite, What about you Peter,how
would you say it?"

Peter "I'm sorry,but i really need to go to the toilet,i'll be right back."

Teacher "that's better,but it's still not very nice to say the word toilet
at the dinner table. and you little Johnny,are you able to use your
intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny "I would say 'Darling,may i please be excused for a moment?
i have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,who i hope
you'll get to meet after supper."


The teacher fainted.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 18:04:10
Job interview test.
 "Here's your first question" the foreman said, "without using numbers,
represent the number 9?"

"without numbers?" the rastaman says, "oh,dat dere is easy." and
proceeds to draw three trees.

"whats this?" asks the foreman

"you no see it mon? tree and tree and tree make 9, innit" says the rasta

"fair enough," says the foreman "here's your second question,use the
same rules but this time the number is 99."

the rasta stares into space for a while then picks up the picture he
has just drawn an makes a smudge on each tree. "ere you go bossman"

the foreman scratches his head & says "how on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"

"each of da trees him dirty now! so its dirty tree and dirty tree and
dirty tree. dat is surely 99 man!"

The foreman is getting angry and is worried he's going to have to hire this rasta,so he says "all right, last question. Same rules again but represent the number 100."
 

The rasta stares into space some more, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "ere you go man, 100"

The foreman looks at the attempt. "you must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The rasta leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree
and says, "a little dog come along see & he crap by each tree; so now you got
dirty tree an a turd and dirty tree an a turd and dirty tree an a turd,
which makes 100.....so when i start boss?"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 18:10:29
A big rugged gay Bricklayer  goes to the Doctors and has some tests done. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS." the Bricky says, "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalopeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." The bricky squares his shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is really for."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 18:15:03
Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."

Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"

The crowd are up on their feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees,
hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing-





















........Away Gauls count double in Europe."  :D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 18:21:22
An Invaluable guide, I think you'll agree should you be planning to travel further South than Epping!! ;D



alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item



amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")



assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc



awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")



branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")



cort a panda - A rather large hamburger



dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff")



eye-eels - Women's shoes



Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre



garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")



lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")



oi oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs



paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport



reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")



Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday



tan - The city of London, the big smoke



webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")



wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. required by the police



zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 18:56:57
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant , The pharmacist , a little bemused , explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant , and never have ,
Unfazed the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more .
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist , "we don't have any!"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES" , said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it," She returns with the container and hands it over to thr pharmacist who looks at it and says to her , "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" ,
Annoyed , the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ,
" TO APPLY < PUSH UP BOTTOM "
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 19:00:19
Social benefits.


 A guy walks into the local welfare office , marches straight up to the counter and says,"Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says , "Your timing is excellent, We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter, You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes , but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided . You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips , You will also have to satisfy her sexual urges .
You'll also be provided with a two bedroom apartment above the garage, the starting salary is £200,000 a year".
The guy, wide eyed, says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 25 September 2014, 19:13:07
Control Of Substances Hazardous to Health.

Health and safety executive - materials assessment.

'WOMEN'
A chemical analysis
Element; Women
Chemical symbol; WO
Discovered by; Adam
Atomic mass: accepted as 53.6 Kg, but may vary from 40 Kg to 200 Kg.:
Physical properties
1. Surfaces usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at varying temperatures, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical priorities
1. Has great affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no reason.
4. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common uses
1. Mainly ornamental.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
Tests
1. Pure specimens turn pink when found in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed next to better specimen.
Potential hazards
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one example of the substance, although several
can be maintained in different locations as long as the specimens do not come
into contact with each other.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 28 September 2014, 17:58:58
Well done Phil,you must be knackered after posting all of them,some good ones in there too :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 28 September 2014, 18:34:11
Yep nice one Phil made me laugh!  ;D ;D ;D  :y :y :y

Maybe this sticky needs a clearout to start afresh?  :-\
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 October 2014, 16:00:43
A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to B & Q Hardware Store

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, changing the oil cooler on the Omega, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, oil, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to B & Q to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl on the till.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl on the till is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to B&Q
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing on the till is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie on the till smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl on the till may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to B&Q until Boots the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing on the till stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to B&Q. Go to ASDA instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90s & beyond:
What's a B&Q? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 10 October 2014, 23:26:33
A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to B & Q Hardware Store

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, changing the oil cooler on the Omega, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, oil, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to B & Q to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl on the till.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl on the till is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to B&Q
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing on the till is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie on the till smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl on the till may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to B&Q until Boots the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing on the till stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to B&Q. Go to ASDA instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90s & beyond:
What's a B&Q? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?



 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
Ain't it the blessed truth ! ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: SIR Philbutt on 13 October 2014, 22:08:38
Apologies if seen before  ;D ;D ;D

Tommy Cooper Jokes

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2.. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key....'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's.
'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Searcher on 15 October 2014, 23:55:44
Immigration..

All my neighbours are English
All the kids in the local school are English
All the local shops are owned and run by English people

I love it here in Spain.



Teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Leroy said: "I wanna be a billionaire & go to the most
expensive clubs. I wanna find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari
worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on
the beach, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa
Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible
response from little Leroy, decides not to acknowledge what he said
and simply tried to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, f**k that. I want to be
Leroy's bitch."




The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 16 October 2014, 13:23:53
Immigration..

All my neighbours are English
All the kids in the local school are English
All the local shops are owned and run by English people

I love it here in Spain.


And no one speaks Spanish! ;D ;D ;D


Teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Leroy said: "I wanna be a billionaire & go to the most
expensive clubs. I wanna find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari
worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on
the beach, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa
Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible
response from little Leroy, decides not to acknowledge what he said
and simply tried to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, f**k that. I want to be
Leroy's bitch."




The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: AndyRoid on 22 October 2014, 08:37:45
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: PhilRich on 23 October 2014, 22:02:41
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.







 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: omegod on 23 October 2014, 22:08:09
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D






 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 23 October 2014, 23:20:37
A mate has just returned from Africa and he can't stop buying raffle tickets,doctor thinks he's got tombola.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Andy B on 23 October 2014, 23:34:59
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.

shift+Ctrl+n = Incognito  ;) ;)

or so I've been told  ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Broomies Mate on 23 October 2014, 23:43:02
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.

shift+Ctrl+n = Incognito  ;) ;)

or so I've been told  ::) ::) ::)

Ctrl+Shift+P    for a proper browser  :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 31 October 2014, 18:28:44
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school.
The kid replies
- I had sex with my teacher.
She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room.
When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him
- I had sex with my teacher.
The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for.
Just after leaving the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds
- No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: powerslinky on 31 October 2014, 20:51:35
Long story cut short . . . from my youth . .  many moons ago in  the late 70's

There was a large common grass area where us lads used to park up after pulling a bird in the pub/disco on route to giving

her a lift home . This particular night, the one i'd pulled looked right up for it 8)

So the beach common it was . Always quite dark but the moonlight made it possible to see what you were doing in the back

seat . Well this one a real hottie  & I had her stripped right off  & by 3am I was on my second go  ;)

When there is a bang on the car roof  . . .   looked through the misted up window to see a police officer standing there with

his torch. Managed to get my jeans back up & open the door & got out  shutting it behind me.  "Oh hello officer" was my

rather foolish response . "Ah what do you think you are doing young man?" he asks.

"What do think I'm doing?" says me .

"I could see what you were doing" he says "& that is against the law in a public place".

"Is that your girlfriend ?"he asks   . .  " ;D

"What her  .?   Oh nooooo  . . . I just met her in the disco tonight & actually I can't even remember

what she said her name was " says I.

"Well OK then " says the officer  " Seems like you have two choices here . .  . 1. you are gonna be nicked for having sex in a public

place , which is  a quite serious  offence  or    2. I'm next  & we all forget this ever happened "

" Pardon me ! " says I .

"You heard " says the officer "I'm next  or your nicked"

"Crikey" says I. . .  .but I'm really not sure"   

"Make your mind up  or your nicked " says he 

" What have you to lose ? . . and why are you not sure then ?" he asks. . . .

"Well it's  just   . . . well to be quite honest  officer  . .  . . . .  . ..  .

(page down)










" It's just that  . .  .I've never f*cked a copper before"   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 November 2014, 15:50:02
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:




1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.



2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.



3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?



4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE
ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.



5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.



6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?



7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?



8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?



9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?



10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"



11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?



12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?



13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?



14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?



15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?



16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?



17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?



18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?



19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?



20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?



21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.



22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?



(This one took me a minute)



23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?



24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?



25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?



26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?



27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?



28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?



29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?



30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?



31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?



32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE
BECOME DISORIENTED?



33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?



34.WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND
THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 28 November 2014, 09:20:27
Senior Sex.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: AndyRoid on 04 December 2014, 23:26:34
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

"Get me something that I can wear on holiday that wouldn't look out of place" she said

So I bought her a harpoon.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 09 December 2014, 11:50:32
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a well-known pub in xxxx.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table, but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué, even in xxxx, and worried that it might offend some diners and prompt others to start doing the same, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table".
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 December 2014, 19:45:54
What do plain clothes policemen wear when they're off duty?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 December 2014, 19:47:34
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows and he hears a stirring from his wife.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 14 December 2014, 17:57:36
Subject:  Police Harassment


Hard to argue with facts...


Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum
with the local community (a question and answer exchange) with the topic
being, "Community Policing."

One of the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question:

QUESTION: "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to
continually harass people and get away with it?"

From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a
cop with a sense of humor, replied:

ANSWER:

"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista, we
average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on
general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of
our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow
them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only
one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing
people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for
harassing about 5,000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract
people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop
is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop
one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to
eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task.
To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It
is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down
those people which we can realistically harass."

The tools available to us are as follow:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on
a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code
phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special
harassment.

Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment
team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to
harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's
licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic
for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have
drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer.
Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the
scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours to
determine why they didn't want to talk to us.

STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do,
there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks.
They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc...They
all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.
After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you
find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them.

"Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book
we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass
this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty
well.

We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away
with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep
the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.

Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave."
That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me." It's one
of our favorites.

Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better how we harass
the good citizens of Chula Vista."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 18 December 2014, 22:04:14
Two dyslexic skiers were at the top of the piste.
One says let's zig zag down.
The other says it's not zig zag, it's zag zig.
They argue for a while then decide to settle the argument by asking a nearby man on a sledge.
So they ask him is it zig zag or zag zig?
He says Don't ask me, I'm a tobogganist

In that case, they say, we'll have 20 silk cut and a lighter
Title: Christmas Parrot
Post by: Entwood on 22 December 2014, 20:36:19
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed, then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.












As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did wrong?"

 ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 22 December 2014, 21:16:35
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 28 December 2014, 11:57:19
An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.     

    While eating breakfast with the crew in enlisted mess, he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every  biscuit.     

    He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done so it could be used on other ships under his command.     

    The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you,  Admiral.  After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here  against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia".     

    Horrified the Admiral exclaims,  "That's very unhygienic!"     

    The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 12 January 2015, 15:37:59
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The
lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of
them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40
acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'
The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No,
I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said, 'Yes,
I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said,
'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The
lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little
white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a
dayvorce.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 27 January 2015, 12:36:22
A husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband:  I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or trousers. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my car.
Sergeant: What kind of car is it?
Husband: 1999 MFL Omega with full Irmscher bodykit in black. Got Michelin Primacy HP tyres on softstars, boot spoiler and Elite spec though it has MV6 seats and the rear blind doesn't work. I think it is the relay. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry mate. We’ll find your Omega.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 07 February 2015, 13:19:44
This is actually a Spanish joke but even when translated is funny.

Sorry for my rubbish translation but this made my spanish family laugh (it was funnier in Spanish ):

Merkel, Hollande and Rajoy all mysteriously die on the same day. They turn up on the doorstep of hell to be met by a man dressed in red holding a toasting folk. He says
“Welcome to hell. Before you go in I can give you one last wish”

Merkel asks if she can call Germany and have a final check all is going well. She calls and chats for just 2 minutes (German efficiency) then hangs up. The devil says that will be 25 Euros. Merkel takes the money from her handbag and pays.

Hollande thinks if Merkel is doing that I better do the same. She always was better at ideas than me. So he calls France and after 3 minutes hangs up. The devil demands 35 Euros. Hollande visits all his pockets and eventually gathers the required payment.

Rajoy sees this and equally asks to call spain. Due to delays getting put through to the right people, satisfying them he really is Rajoy, delays while people return from siesta, and the reluctance of anyone in Madrid to answer a simple question he ends up on the phone for 3 hours.

When he eventually hangs up the devil demands 25 centimos. Rajoy is confused, “Why so little compared to the others?”

The devil sighs. “Well with the unemployment, corruption, lack of justice, kings shooting elephants, princesses in jail, ghost airports, over a million empty properties, lack of ideas, …………. Your country is a living hell. And hell to hell calls are charged at local rates.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 08 February 2015, 09:18:48
This is actually a Spanish joke but even when translated is funny.

Sorry for my rubbish translation but this made my spanish family laugh (it was funnier in Spanish ):

Merkel, Hollande and Rajoy all mysteriously die on the same day. They turn up on the doorstep of hell to be met by a man dressed in red holding a toasting folk. He says
“Welcome to hell. Before you go in I can give you one last wish”

Merkel asks if she can call Germany and have a final check all is going well. She calls and chats for just 2 minutes (German efficiency) then hangs up. The devil says that will be 25 Euros. Merkel takes the money from her handbag and pays.

Hollande thinks if Merkel is doing that I better do the same. She always was better at ideas than me. So he calls France and after 3 minutes hangs up. The devil demands 35 Euros. Hollande visits all his pockets and eventually gathers the required payment.

Rajoy sees this and equally asks to call spain. Due to delays getting put through to the right people, satisfying them he really is Rajoy, delays while people return from siesta, and the reluctance of anyone in Madrid to answer a simple question he ends up on the phone for 3 hours.

When he eventually hangs up the devil demands 25 centimos. Rajoy is confused, “Why so little compared to the others?”

The devil sighs. “Well with the unemployment, corruption, lack of justice, kings shooting elephants, princesses in jail, ghost airports, over a million empty properties, lack of ideas, …………. Your country is a living hell. And hell to hell calls are charged at local rates.

Excellent ;D ;D ;D :y :y :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 13 February 2015, 13:24:45

 A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more..'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
 
 ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 13 February 2015, 13:26:52
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
“They don't like that in heaven”,said God.
The woman replied: “They're not too happy about it in  Harrods either!”

 
 
 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Jimbob on 17 February 2015, 12:30:45
Liam Neeson has signed on for the fourth film in the franchise. This time he helps his daughter move house, drives her round the city, helps pay for her holiday and she doesnt even thank him.

Taken 4: Granted
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 24 February 2015, 22:11:43
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation and their Catera Utes.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there

'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 11 March 2015, 11:45:38
Sex Insurance: Make sure you have appropriate cover.  Here's a list of companies that cover most tastes and eventualities!  ;)

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: amazonian on 11 March 2015, 16:14:26
Brilliant !!
 :y  :y  :y  :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 18 March 2015, 10:08:09
While walking down the street one  day a Member  of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives  in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,'  says St. Peter.  'Before you settle in, it seems  there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,  so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,'  says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher  up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then  you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind.  I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our  rules.'

And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the  elevator and he went down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other  politicians who had worked with  him.  Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the  people.  They played a  friendly game of golf and then dined on  lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who  really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and  telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.  Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the  elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of  contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours  have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a  day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The  MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off  in  hell.'  So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down  down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.  He sees all his  friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as  more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his  arm around his  shoulder. ' I don't understand,'  stammers the  MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and  my friends look miserable.    What happened? '

The devil  looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning....... 


Today you voted.'






Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: The Sheriff on 18 March 2015, 10:15:36
Ohhhh.....very topical.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 18 March 2015, 11:06:42
and funny  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: b4ndit on 18 March 2015, 18:15:08
nice ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: driver115 on 18 April 2015, 07:24:56
Nice one, and so true of politicians :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: ronnyd on 19 April 2015, 09:11:53
Good one Tig, sad but true that politicians are lying t*rds. :(
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 30 April 2015, 12:11:09
“Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!”

“Calm down, calm down. When did this happen?”

The man looked at him. “When did what happen?”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 06 May 2015, 09:55:34
Little Johnny was at the zoo with his dad, looking at the elephants when his eyes popped out. He pointed at an elephant and said to his dad, "Daddy, what's that long thing?!"

Well, son, those are elephant tusks.

No, no. At the other end. The long thing.

Well, son, that's an elephant leg.

No, no! The other thing. The thing between the legs.

Well, son, that's an elephant tail.

No, no! The other thing. The long thing in front of the tail.

Well, son, that's an elephant penis.

Really?! Mommy said it's nothing.

Well, son, Mommy is spoiled.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 07 May 2015, 13:28:52
Nabbed from another site but appropriate for today:

Today is the day when the electrolyte go to the poles to erect a new government.
The choice is a bewildering collide-a-scope across the piratical system of idiots, nincompoops, self seekers and downright liars.
More people than ever will be disenfrankensteined having not voted for the out write winners.
It's about time we ditched the first past the postal system and bought in Pictorial Representation.

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 20 May 2015, 23:04:29
How To Wash A Cat

1: Put both lids of the toilet up and add a cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2: Pick up the cat and sooth him while you carry him to the bathroom.

3: In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and quickly close both lids.  You may need to stand on the lid.

4: At this point the cat will self agitate and will generate ample suds.  Don't worry about the noises from the toilet, cats enjoy this!

5: Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times.  This provides a 'Power Wash' and 'Rinse'.

6: Get someone to open the front door of your home.  Make sure there are no people between the bathroom and front door.

7: Stand well back, as far behind the toilet as you can and quickly open the lid.

8: The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak out of the bathroom and will shoot outside where he will dry himself off.

9: Both the cat and toilet will now be sparkling clean.

Instructions provided by The Dog.

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Gaffers on 28 May 2015, 22:09:25
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 31 May 2015, 22:50:41
Very good  :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 05 June 2015, 23:12:02
How does a Welshman find a sheep in long grass?  ???  ::)


Very satisfying!  :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 06 June 2015, 00:07:26
How does a Welshman find a sheep in long grass?  ???  ::)


Very satisfying!  :y

How does an Englishman find a sheep in long grass?  ???  ::)


He gets his strimmer out and cuts the grass!  :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 06 June 2015, 00:09:26
How does a Welshman find a sheep in long grass?  ???  ::)


Very satisfying!  :y

How does an Englishman find a sheep in long grass?  ???  ::)


He gets his strimmer out and cuts the grass!  :y

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in the long grass?  ???  ::)


He dosn't bother as he's enjoying the grass tickling his tackle!  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Andy H on 10 June 2015, 19:33:20
John decided to  go golfing in Scotland with his chum, Keith.
So they loaded up John's  mini van and headed North.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the  night.
'I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge  house all to myself,
but I'm recently widowed,' she explained and  'I'm  afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't  worry,' John said.'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather  breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men  found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come  morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed  a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John received an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out,
but he finally determined that it was from the Edinburgh based solicitor of the attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked,
'Keith, do you  remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our  golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said  Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up  in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found  out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my  name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red  and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, old mate. I'm afraid I did.'
'Why  do you ask?'
'She just died  and left me everything.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 12 June 2015, 00:49:19
So after landing his new job as a Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, Uncle STMO lasted less than a day.
About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. He said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So He replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda.”
His supervisor said he probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: deviator on 18 June 2015, 15:50:38
I'll chuck this in here  ;)
https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/11535841_1024394460904937_8750559487679055420_n.png?oh=285bb6e3e2cd60ed3154e67e7224072d&oe=55F65F1C
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 18 June 2015, 22:11:15
I'll chuck this in here  ;)
https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/11535841_1024394460904937_8750559487679055420_n.png?oh=285bb6e3e2cd60ed3154e67e7224072d&oe=55F65F1C

Lol
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Crazycarzowner on 30 June 2015, 20:12:07
PLEASE BE VERY CAREFUL WITH YOUR WISHES!!!! 40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE...... A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet and romantic little restaurant. Suddenly a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband'. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me'. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Phil L on 30 June 2015, 22:08:45
So after landing his new job as a Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, Uncle STMO lasted less than a day.
About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. He said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So He replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda.”
His supervisor said he probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.  ;D
:y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 09 July 2015, 11:10:31
I let my wife take me out for a drive in the countryside today. We were going down a quiet country lane when she said, "Shall we do something we've never done in the car before?"
I said,..... "Go on then, put it into 4th gear."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Crazycarzowner on 19 July 2015, 18:34:41
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinkin
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 01 August 2015, 17:40:01
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 08 August 2015, 17:05:44
Lol ∆∆
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 12 August 2015, 14:18:45
The Golf Match

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 14 August 2015, 17:50:42
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks Chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Cornetto or Magnum?"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 August 2015, 20:33:06
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm,that includes the car, the tractor and other equipment,the farmhouse and £28,499, 258 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "oh my granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook" .
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 26 August 2015, 15:57:40
Uncle STEMO's wife sends him a text to tell him that she's in Casualty. 

So he dashes home and sits down and watches the whole episode but dosn't see her at all. 

Realising that she's not home yet, he texts her back.  " Where the hell are you!  I'm bloody starving woman!! "
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STEMO on 26 August 2015, 16:19:08
Fill yer boots:

The top 10 funniest jokes of the Fringe
"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
"Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
"What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
"If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
"Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
"The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
"They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 27 August 2015, 18:18:55
 Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.

They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer its all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 01 September 2015, 11:39:56
On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a France rugby shirt, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing England shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Frog from the water. Then, using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between the French and the English, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his pals, "who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STEMO on 06 September 2015, 19:10:48
I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job working on the motorway. But when I got home, all the signs were there.  ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 07 September 2015, 10:11:01
Man goes to the doctors because he thinks he has piles.the doctor confirms this and gets him to bend over and inserts some ointment in his backside. Dr tells the man to use this ointment morning and night and to ask his wife to help him . At home the wife helps him before bed time with the pile ointment. As he is bending over she puts her left hand on his left shoulder to steady him as she gently eases the nozzle in and squeezes the tube. The man gives out a little scream and the lady apologises and asks him if it hurt. The man replies "no but I just remembered that when the doctor did this he had both hands on my shoulders"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 22 September 2015, 22:38:45
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is heavy and the other one is a little lighter.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Franks Dad on 22 September 2015, 23:10:05
A man walks into a zoo
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
Its a shitzu.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 30 September 2015, 20:51:12
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STEMO on 02 October 2015, 20:10:31
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

 ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 12 October 2015, 10:41:39
 A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 13 October 2015, 09:53:25
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum...you still awake?'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 15 October 2015, 19:15:07
An elderly balding white haired man walked into a jewelry store one late Friday afternoon with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000' the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.  The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account'.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 23 October 2015, 09:14:34
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little self-abusers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 06 November 2015, 10:42:01
"Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping
on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 08 November 2015, 08:58:08
A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘lion tamer wanted’ and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette in her mid-twenties with a killer body
The circus owner tells them, “I'm not going to sugar coat it: this is one ferocious lion; he ate my last tamer so you two had better be good - or you're history.
Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says "That's amazing; I've never seen anything like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The old golfer replies, "Possibly.... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: moggy on 13 November 2015, 15:54:35
God it must have been cold last night,i woke up with a block of ice in bed with me.After it had thawed out,it said what time did you get in last night.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 18 November 2015, 11:16:21
Paddy is passing by Mick's barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Eddie doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick,' says Paddy Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin' shite out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Eddie. 'Me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 18 November 2015, 16:09:19
A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” said the foreigner.
“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”
So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”
“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.
“Who did they beat?”
“Leeds,” was the reply.
“And the score?”
“2-1.”
“Who scored the winning goal?”
“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.
The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting “How”.
The Memory man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 21 November 2015, 16:09:51
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in
place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to
speak:
a.. My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
b.. My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
c.. My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the
City Centre."
d.. "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential
buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away, never knowing the
extent of his property holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse
says, "Mrs Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man
to have accumulated all this wealth".

Sarah replies, “Wealth? .... Wealth! The a**ehole had a paper round!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 26 November 2015, 20:57:07
A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ...that phrase... in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 29 November 2015, 09:37:23
So my wife told me to stop listening to Wonderwall, I said maybe......
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 06 December 2015, 22:48:24
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 14 December 2015, 20:40:51
Man goes to the Doctor.

"Doctor, I've got hereditary diarrhea"


"There's no such thing!"
The Doctor replies.

"Well it's in my jeans..... "
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STEMO on 14 December 2015, 20:41:54
Man goes to the Doctor.

"Doctor, I've got hereditary diarrhea"


"There's no such thing!"
The Doctor replies.

"Well it's in my jeans..... "

Behave   ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: The Pikey Pensioner on 24 December 2015, 07:37:47
Police pull over a woman driving erratically.

The policeman asks her to step outside of her car.

'Your staggering' he says.

'Your not a bad looking f***er yourself' she replies.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Migalot on 27 December 2015, 17:52:02
Brian was in the pub having a beer with his mates and he said:

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night, I explained to her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you, Brian" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly undressed and we had great sex ......

Which is very odd, because she's never shown the slightest interest in darts before.

 ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 29 December 2015, 12:37:46
My wife packed my bags for me and said GO!!
 As I walked out the door she shouted
 ''Have a long and painful death you bastard''
 I turned back and said
 ''so you want me to ****ing stay now?'''    ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 29 December 2015, 12:38:37
Gutted the wife has left me!

 She's took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records.

 No woman no Sky  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: deviator on 30 December 2015, 19:27:13
It's always cold in Motown, three degree, four tops.

(Best joke I've heard in ages)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 14 January 2016, 17:53:42
Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on, the 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him.

The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway.

Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'I was, but after two jump starts & a blood transfusion I feel oppsin great!!!'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 16 January 2016, 11:17:44
 A man running a little behind schedule arrives at the cinema, goes in to watch the film that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the film.

It even seemed to be enjoying the film: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the film, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I can't believe it myself," came the reply. "He hated the book."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STEMO on 16 January 2016, 21:06:31
Just had a giggle...keep them coming... ;D :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 19 January 2016, 13:37:19
Guy goes to the doctors complaining of hearing loss.
Doc says "can you describe the symptoms?"
Guy replies "Homers a fat bastard and Marge has got blue hair"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 January 2016, 09:35:30
 Count your Blessings!
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments while drinking coffee.
“My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad, I can’t even see my coffee”.
“I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time, my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.
“What? Speak up! I can’t hear you!” shouted another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a fifth senior, to which several others nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.
“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said another.
I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old”, winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
“Well, count your blessings,” said a woman, “thank God we can all still drive”!
__________________
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 January 2016, 09:36:01
A wealthy Nigerian Prince has died and left all his millions to a cat.
He said he tried to give away his fortune for years, but no one ever responded to his e-mails.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 January 2016, 09:37:49
A woman walks into a bar and asks for an innuendo, so the barman gives her one
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STEMO on 20 January 2016, 10:41:24
A wealthy Nigerian Prince has died and left all his millions to a cat.
He said he tried to give away his fortune for years, but no one ever responded to his e-mails.
;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Andy H on 27 January 2016, 19:52:43
Are my testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed,the young nurse replies, "I don't know,Sir.  I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me.  Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart
rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,Sir.  They look fine."


The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and
says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.  Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test
- results - back?"



   
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 04 February 2016, 12:12:52
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him. Because she's wearing a uniform, he quickly concludes that she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto: “ To Fly. To Serve. "
The woman looks at him blankly...
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: “ Winning the hearts of the world."
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysia Airlines motto:” Going beyond expectations"
The woman looks at him sternly and says, "What the hell do you want?"
"Aha," he says, "Ryanair"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 12 February 2016, 10:55:06
I don't normally post utube links but like this one of an NZ TV news reader.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oR9XbucqHwo&feature=youtu.be

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 13 February 2016, 12:14:53



http://www.trumpdonald.org/
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Andy H on 16 February 2016, 22:17:29
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Andy H on 16 February 2016, 22:19:28
An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 18 February 2016, 00:13:49
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 19 February 2016, 14:22:08
Unfortunate headlines

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/02/12/27-hilarious-publishing-layout-failures-history/
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: moggy on 19 February 2016, 22:08:41
A man is walking through the jungle.He sees a monkey  with a can opener,he tells the monkey.You don't need a can opener to open a banana.The monkey replies,its for the custard you idiot.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: EMD on 19 February 2016, 22:23:50
A man is walking through the jungle.He sees a monkey  with a can opener,he tells the monkey.You don't need a can opener to open a banana.The monkey replies,its for the custard you idiot.  ;D ;D

 :D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 February 2016, 14:56:35
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies and have sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: BazaJT on 23 February 2016, 20:06:34
What's the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to all your devices and accesses your data,the other is a hardware standard!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 28 February 2016, 12:14:03
Drover at the Pearly Gates :

A drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit ?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.

"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

Then I yelled, "Now, back off !!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of the lot of ya !"

St. Peter was very impressed, "When did this happen ?"

"A couple of minutes ago."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Nick W on 09 March 2016, 22:01:31
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?


Just the one; they don't have a sense of humour, but they are efficient
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 March 2016, 11:01:45
How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? - Fish.

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”
She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.”

How is the diet going?
Not good, I just had eggs for breakfast.
Scrambled?
No Cadbury's.

A P7 class were doing artwork one day when the teacher asks wee Johnny what he's drawing. "I'm drawing God miss", he replies. The teacher just smiles and says, "ah!! but nobody knows what God looks like" Wee Johnny thinks for a second and replies, "well they will in a couple of minutes miss"

For my birthday, my parents bought me a car. It wasn't one I would have chosen for myself, but I had no choice but to accept their gift.
It was a Fiat Accompli.

Police in Glasgow today pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed tested and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober and he had a full licence with no points.
A police Scotland spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time....

I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to get a shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth.
I think they might be trying to groom me

Today a clown held a door open for me, l thought it was a nice jester.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo l had to put my foot down.


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 March 2016, 11:03:42
An old one I really like!

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the chief monk said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the chief monk said to him: "Brother John, you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."

Brother John replied, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the chief monk responded. "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Brother John was called by the chief monk. "You may say another two words Brother John."

"Cold food," answered Brother John, and the chief monk assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the chief monk again called Brother John into his office. "What are your two words you want to say today?"

"I quit," replied Brother John.

"I'm not surprised," said the chief monk. "You've done nothing but whine and complain since you got here."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 March 2016, 11:11:30
 Jennifer, a manager at a local supermarket, had the task of hiring someone
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of CV's she found
four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the
four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would
determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of..?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no
warning.
'That's very good..!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir..?', she asked the
second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes
and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest
thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of
an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's farm, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the paddock
the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A
LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to
me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
'WHAT.. !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and
I ran for the bathroom, but before I
could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHT, I had already messed myself..'
___
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 March 2016, 11:14:17
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.

Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished it he realized that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.

When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed, "Where's my ice cream cone?"

"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."

She was incensed and cried, "You shellfish bast*rd!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 March 2016, 11:15:44
 A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a Shitzu.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room. He said 'Thanks mate!' I said 'Don't mention it'.

What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?
'Aye Matey'

'I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me'. 'What did he say to you?' 'You're fired'.

What did the communist cat say?
'Mao'
__________________
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 March 2016, 11:16:32
An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about 20 feet behind her and asked, "Can you hear me sweetheart?"

No reply.

He moved to 10 feet and inquired again.

No reply.

5 feet and not a word.

A few inches behind her ear, he asked, "Can you hear me now honey?"

His wife said, "For the fourth time, yes."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 March 2016, 11:18:04
 A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and the CEO thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business. He walks up to the guy and asks, "How much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make £200 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy £200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy."
________________
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 March 2016, 11:19:53
Guy goes to the doctors complaining of hearing loss.
Doc says "can you describe the symptoms?"
Guy replies "Homers a fat bast*rd and Marge has got blue hair"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 March 2016, 11:21:20
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably... had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 16 March 2016, 09:48:41
My brother informed me that he'd decided to break up with his sex doll after 5 years.

I said to him.........Well, just remember.............



let her down gently
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 16 March 2016, 09:52:56
Paddy and Mick are on safari in Africa. By the river they see a giant crocodile with a man's head sticking out of its mouth. Paddy turns to Mick, "Would yer look at that flash git with his Lacoste sleeping bag..."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 16 March 2016, 09:54:04
 A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume."
One little girl held up her hand and said, "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Another one said, "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent," says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says, "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."
The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."
Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."
"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 16 March 2016, 09:56:16
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,
AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANISATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE
STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE
HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,
"WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD
ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER
WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS
TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL
EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY
AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE
HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH
BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT
THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK
ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS
ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE
REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU
STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO
HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD
OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT
AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES,
DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE
DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 21 March 2016, 21:33:06
Paddy an Murphy moved darn t Yorkshire an picked up a bit ora twang !!

Paddy is sat in't pub in Rovrum tarn centre.

Murphy comes steamin in wi a gret big grin on his chops.

'E guz reyt up to Paddy an whispers in 'is ear - "Tha'l never guess what I've done, Av only gone an robbed an Art Gallery - one o't pictures is woth £180'000"

"Tha tekin't piss" replies Paddy wi an intrigued look on his mush. "Let's av a look then"

So Murphy looks round t check nobody's lookin an pulls art t'picture.

Paddy looks back at im an sez "Thaz robbed an estate agent tha silly idiot"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: hotel21 on 27 March 2016, 15:01:06
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4  near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".......
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 27 March 2016, 21:48:12
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4  near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".......

Pmsl ;D
Title: Johnny's Tart.
Post by: Freebird on 28 March 2016, 08:28:08
A teacher asked the class what they would like to do in life......

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as an S.B.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Bad Guys, return as a national hero.
Then I'd become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."


The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he had said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

 "And how about you, Sarah, what or who would you like to be?"...........



 "I want to be Johnny’s tart!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: zirk on 03 April 2016, 09:24:07
A moth goes to the Dentist, and proceeds to sit down in the Dentist chair, the Dentist turns around from washing his hand and says 'my, my, a moth, dont see many of you in here!, do moths have teeth?' the moth replied 'No'. 'So why are you here?' asked the Dentist, the moth replied ' I only came in because the Light was on. 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STEMO on 30 April 2016, 20:38:10
A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken spotted him and shouted "Don't do it, man, you'll never hear the end of it".
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 18 May 2016, 11:51:28
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato bags.
Then try 50lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 16 June 2016, 14:31:44
l always loved cowboy films so this inspired me to get an Indian tattooed on my back. which l got done this morning...As you can appreciate, the tattoo took 3 hours to complete, and about an hour into the job, l said to the tattooist that l wanted the Indian wearing the full ceremonial head dress.....l nearly fell off his couch when he chided me for not telling him that before he started, as he had just finished doing the turban.....
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 20 June 2016, 19:49:03
I have a mate who has two tickets for the final of Euro 2016 on July 10th, but he's due to be married on that day and cannot attend. If you know of anyone one that wants to go instead of him, it's at St Andrews Church in Brighton, and the bride's name is Sarah.

Thanks
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 21 June 2016, 20:26:52
Well Denzil dear of him, he hasn't been well, he's been the doctors this week because he's been suffering with a lot of piles bless him.

And the Doctor got up from looking at his piles.... He said 'Well I shall need your whole name!"

Denzil said "Well I just call it my asshole!"



Jethro
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 29 June 2016, 13:44:37
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 04 July 2016, 13:41:40
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 July 2016, 18:48:12
Why some things are the way they are:

I can make no claim to these but I thought they were interesting. Please excuse the weird settings and punctuation.

1… Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
BECAUSE:
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left.  Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right!   And that's where women's buttons have remained since. 
 


2.... Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
BECAUSE:
This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' - and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.' 
  


3.... 
Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
BECAUSE:
In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'the egg.'   When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (naturally), mispronounced it 'love.' 



4.... 
Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

BECAUSE:
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous. 
 


5... 
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?

BECAUSE: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal.  If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player. 
 


6… 
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
BECAUSE:
In earlier times it used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink.  To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host.  Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own. 
  


7… Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?

BECAUSE: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the Centre of attention. 



8... Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?

BECAUSE: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares. 



9… Why In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?

BECAUSE:
 When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment.  To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.  Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her.  In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day' and the Scots changed it into caddie. 
  


10… Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?
 BECAUSE: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.'  When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig.  And it caught on.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 25 July 2016, 14:37:29
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"

The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."

The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"

The second responds, "God told me I was."

At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STEMO on 29 July 2016, 08:50:19
Mr Tickle wanted to get married, but his girlfriend Tess didn't fancy taking on his surname.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 30 July 2016, 19:47:15
You know you're getting old when,

1. can't read any more without reading glasses.
2. you disapprove of the clothing young people wear, and their music, too
3. you are stunned when a young person says Who are the Beatles?
4. someone calls you ma'am or sir
5. the doctor/police officer/etc. look too young to be qualified to do these jobs
6. you wish you had not thrown out your old toys, clothes, etc. as they are now worth money.
7. you are done for the night by 10 pm at the latest
8. (for women) you find yourself shopping for sensible clothes instead of fashionable clothes.
9. Someone calls you an old fart!
10. You can't remember what you said to someone yesterday, but you can remember television commercial jingles from the 1980's
11. you're still tired even though you've slept 12 hours
12. you say, kids today
13. you have more medicine and tablets in the cupboard than the local chemist.
14. You say they don't make shows like that any more.
15. You remember when WIRELESS meant a radio and had nothing to do with internet connections.
16. Had to go into the hallway to use the house phone, cordless phones didn't exist.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 02 August 2016, 09:17:33
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.

My heart was beating so fast and the expectation was unbearable.

It seemed to take for ever but eventually there she was stood beside me.

I gave her a cheeky wink and said get that trolley over here they are doing 3 packs of Stella for the price of 2
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 12 August 2016, 11:44:57
 A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.

     

    Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

     

    Awakening from the anaesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the  surgeon.

     

    "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone  about my operation".

     

    The surgeon told her he had carried out her  wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt  so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

     

    "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the  surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

     

    "And what about the third rose?" she asked.

     

    "That's from a man in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 12 August 2016, 12:15:32
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 13 August 2016, 11:14:06
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called: "e by gum"


A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi me."


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Da ya want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "Naw, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"


The last is always the best ...........
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies, "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 15 August 2016, 14:53:26

For all the SWMBOs out there . . . . . .  :-X

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cp2O9PtWcAAACvB.jpg:large)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 20 August 2016, 04:21:04


I decided to change my email password, I reckoned I had just the right one one and typed "Mypeni5".
All I got back was "Error, not long enough".
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 August 2016, 12:48:05
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic..
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
An Arse Hole is usually in charge
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 20 August 2016, 17:24:29
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

For £100, the cabbie agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe up to the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts:
'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Chelsea season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?


The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 22 August 2016, 23:17:59
A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife’s temper.
The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”
The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The man says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.” :)


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 27 August 2016, 11:04:02
An Israeli doctor says:
" In Israel medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work!"

The German doctor says:
" That's nothing!  In Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man and in 4 weeks he is looking for work!"

The Russian doctor says:
" Gentlemen, in Russia we take half a heart from a man, put it in another man and in 2 weeks he is looking for work!"

The Scottish doctor laughs and says:
" You are all behind us!  21 months ago we took a woman with no brains and no heart, and made her First Minister of Scotland.  She's making a complete balls up of it and now the whole of Scotland is looking for work!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 05 September 2016, 10:57:33
Why OOF old farts struggle with job interviews:



Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Fart : "Honesty!"

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Fart : "I don't give a toss what you think."


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 07 September 2016, 12:52:37
Keith Vaz goes into a chemist and asks for Vaseline - the chemist says for chilblains - Vaz says, no for chaps   :P ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 08 September 2016, 14:09:53
A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were all being led to the guillotine to be executed. They ask the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to die face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next, the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says,

-‘Hey, I see what your problem is!’
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 08 September 2016, 14:24:04
A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer  . . . .

That really is so true  :y    :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: BIZYWZD on 09 September 2016, 09:47:42
A duck checks into a seedy hotel with his girl friend

can you get me some condoms mate ?   asks the duck to the receptionist.
Yes sir no problem. Would you like me to put them on your bill?

no on me c*ck  !!
 :D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: BIZYWZD on 09 September 2016, 09:51:44
If I'd known Keith Vaz was looking for 20 yr old escorts I would have kept mine!

(http://zombdrive.com/images600_/1997_ford_escort_sedan_base_fq_oem_1_500.jpg)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 14 September 2016, 13:46:24
Little Johnnie is in English class and they're building sentences with new words.

Teacher:  "OK Johnnie what's your sentence with the word contagious in it?"

Little Johnnie: "Our neighbour was painting his house with a 2" brush and my Dad said it will take the contagious!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 15 September 2016, 15:31:23
Dear Jeremy Kyle, I am 16 years old and pregnant with my boyfriend, who is 20 years older than me. he Is married with 3 kids. He is a drug dealer, carries a gun and is just out of prison.
How do I tell my parents he's a Liverpool fan ??
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 21 September 2016, 17:00:42
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

 

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

 

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

 

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

 

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

 

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

 

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 23 September 2016, 10:25:53

Nicked from another forum   ::)


(http://i895.photobucket.com/albums/ac154/discofixer/DA078225-E6A2-4BFF-90BE-844BB13BAFD0.jpg)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 23 September 2016, 16:43:47
Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."

The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 30 September 2016, 12:55:36
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGJC-MZf3zE
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: driver115 on 04 October 2016, 11:27:50
child asks father " daddy who do I get my intelligence from ", father replies, "it must be from your mother because I have still got mine " :)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 04 October 2016, 20:00:07
A man goes to the Doctor and says "Doctor!  I've got a problem! I keep dreaming about the Green Green Grass of Home and Dehlilah!"

The Doctor replies. "Ah that's a clear cut case of Tom Jones syndrome!"

The man says "Is this common Doctor?"  and the Doctor replies "It's not unusual!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 05 October 2016, 15:01:09
*A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
**
1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nuthin."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying,
"Well, that's the last thing we need
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 05 October 2016, 15:40:27
An attractive wife moved in close to her husband, and with a very seductive voice asked "Have you . . . ever seen a £10 note . . . . . all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled £10 note.

He took the crumpled £10 note from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you . . . . ever seen £20 note . . . . . all crumpled up?"

"Errh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious and perplexed tone in his voice.

She gave him another naughty little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tights... and pulled out a crumpled £20 note.

He took the crumpled £20 note, and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you . . . . . ever seen £25,000 all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more excited, to which she replied:

"Well . . . take a look in the garage."

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 05 October 2016, 15:43:04
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.... 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.

What sort of horse?', said the owner.

'A female horth,' and the owner shows him a mare

'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes.

'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth.

'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?'

The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horse's fanny & then pulls him out by his feet.

The dwarf shakes his head and says "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...

Can I see her wun awound"?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 07 October 2016, 09:46:02
Why can't you trust atoms?

They make up everything.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 11 October 2016, 18:53:46
Denzil was playing cricket last Sunday, he come back in the house about teatime with his hands between his legs and said "I've been hit by a bleddy cricket ball!"

So my wife said "You must have been hit bad Denzil, come into the kitchen with me!" So she took his cock out, and bathed it in a saucepan of warm water, with some radox and rose petals, and then smoothed his cock down with a piece of cotton wool!   Wasn't that lovely of her...hmmmm! She said, "Is that better Denzil?"

He said "Well I think what you've done has helped a hell of a lot!" Then he lifted up his finger and said...."But I still think I shall lose the nail!"

Jethro
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 12 October 2016, 04:30:36

Been sat here waiting for my mates prostate exam for 3 hours now.

Somebody wants to pull their bloody finger out!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 12 October 2016, 10:37:35
What a day! First my girlfriend lectures me for half hour on how she can't trust me. Then I go home to my wife and she does the same thing!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 12 October 2016, 14:59:27
Police have found a dead body at a Dominos which was covered in ham, cheese and pineapple.






Police believe he may have topped himself.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 13 October 2016, 14:09:46




(http://i895.photobucket.com/albums/ac154/discofixer/A0CF703C-8CE4-45B8-9839-7536CE723B81.jpg)

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 18 October 2016, 10:19:58
We're so skint my wife sold one of her kidneys to pay for the kids' school uniform.




If things get any worse I'll have to cancel Sky Sports.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Andy H on 18 October 2016, 14:04:24
Widdle Wabbits

A little girl goes to the pet shop and ask, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 19 October 2016, 09:48:03
Two facts about me!

1: My penis is exactly the same size as 2 Argos pens.

2: I've been banned from Argos



 :o
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Migv6 le Frog Fan on 21 October 2016, 11:35:30
A new charity has been started to help the child migrants who have come to this country from Calais. Its called Shave the children.  :D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 24 October 2016, 07:51:28
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.







Apparently, another dead dog isn't what she wanted.

.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 24 October 2016, 07:53:09

Halloween is coming, so . . . .


Trick or treat ?

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CvepebtWcAACKqs.jpg)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STEMO on 24 October 2016, 08:57:45
You rotten sod  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 24 October 2016, 10:40:39
You rotten sod  ;D

Great!  :y  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 24 October 2016, 15:50:02
Nicked from another forum . . . .




A bloke has had a bit of a winning streak on the horses and decides to trade in his BMW for a Mercedes.

"This is a fantastic car, Sir!" said the Mercedes salesman, "everything about this car is luxurious from the leather interior, heated seats front and rear, heated steering wheel to the self cancelling indicators"

"Self cancelling what?"  . . . . asks the BMW driver.           ::)


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: ronnyd on 27 October 2016, 23:55:10

Halloween is coming, so . . . .


Trick or treat ?

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CvepebtWcAACKqs.jpg)
That,ll make the little buggers eyes water. :o ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 29 October 2016, 22:34:05
Went to the Doctors today complaining of strange voices coming from my underpants.




The Doctor said, "ignore them, they're talking b_o_l_l_o_c_k_s"




.
.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 30 October 2016, 23:06:06
Carol is blonde city girl who marries a Welsh dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, Dai the farmer says to Carol: “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?” and then farmer Dai leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Carol takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him: “This is the one…right here.”

Impressed by what he had thought would just another ditzy blonde, the man asks: “Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?”

“That’s simple; by the nail over its stall”, Carol explains confidently.

Then the man asks: “What’s the nail for?”

She turns and starts to walk away and says over her shoulder:
“I assume it’s for you to hang your trousers on.”


.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 31 October 2016, 21:53:35
I was giving this girl a portion round the back of the chip shop and she says to me " You're not doing very well are you?"

So I said " Well you see I haven't done it for over 2 years as I had a long stay in the VD hospital."

She replied " Oooo what's the food like?  I'm going in there tomorrow!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 03 November 2016, 20:32:04
I was giving this girl a portion round the back of the chip shop and she says to me " You're not doing very well are you?"

So I said " Well you see I haven't done it for over 2 years as I had a long stay in the VD hospital."

She replied " Oooo what's the food like?  I'm going in there tomorrow!"


 :o    :o

so . . . . . .



















"Portion" . . . . . . . . please explain  ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 05 November 2016, 16:59:31



In 1816 women had no rights.


In 1916 women fought for some rights.


In 2016 women are always right.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 05 November 2016, 17:17:35

 ;D


(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cwf489YXAAAtcAm.jpg)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 06 November 2016, 00:05:06
I was giving this girl a portion round the back of the chip shop and she says to me " You're not doing very well are you?"

So I said " Well you see I haven't done it for over 2 years as I had a long stay in the VD hospital."

She replied " Oooo what's the food like?  I'm going in there tomorrow!"


 :o    :o

so . . . . . .

"Portion" . . . . . . . . please explain  ::)

A large helping of saveloy Rog!  :P  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 06 November 2016, 00:09:31
I went to the Doctor with hearing problems and he said " What are the symptoms like? "

I replied " Well Homer's a yellow fat bastard and Marge has tall blue hair! "
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 06 November 2016, 22:19:18
Wrong end . . . .


(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CwltjfYWgAELxRL.jpg)


Oh, it possibly should be retinal . . .
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 18 November 2016, 21:00:06
If women are always right and men are always wrong.

Then if a man tells a woman she is right.

Is the man right or wrong?

 :-\   :P
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: grifter on 18 November 2016, 21:14:23
2 guys up in court today, one for stealing a battery and the other for stealing fireworks. One guy got charged and the other guy got let off !
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 22 November 2016, 18:15:21
Not jokes as such but spoof dialogues pinched from another forum re Brexit. One for each camp in the interests of balance.

Here is first one

Remainers (left holding the Brexit baby after the Leavers… left) “WTF?”

Leavers “We voted Brexit, now You Remainers need to implement it”

Remainers “But it’s not possible!”

Leavers “The People Have Spoken. Therefore it is possible. You just have to think positively.”

Remainers “And do what exactly?”

Leavers “Come up with a Plan that will leave us all better off outside the EU than in it”

Remainers “But it’s not possible!”

Leavers “Quit with the negative vibes. The People Have Spoken.”

Remainers “But even you don’t know how!”

Leavers “That’s your problem, we’ve done our bit and voted, we’re going to sit here and eat popcorn and watch as you do it.”

Remainers “Shouldn’t you do it?”

Leavers “It’s not up to us to work out the detail, it’s up to you experts.”

Remainers “I thought you’d had enough of experts”

Leavers “Remain experts.”

Remainers “There are no Leave experts”

Leavers “Then you’ll have to do it then. Oh, and by the way, no dragging your feet or complaining about it, because if you do a deal we don’t want, we’ll eat you alive.”

Remainers “But you don’t know what you want!”

Leavers “We want massive economic growth, no migration, free trade with the EU and every other country, on our terms, the revival of British industry, re-open the coal mines, tea and vicars on every village green, some bunting, and maybe restoration of the empire.”

Remainers “You’re delusional.”

Leavers “We’re a delusional majority. DEMOCRACY! So do the thing that isn’t possible, very quickly, and give all Leavers what they want, even though they don’t know what they want, and ignore the 16 million other voters who disagree. They’re tight trouser latte-sipping hipsters who whine all the time, who cares.”


And then


UK Negotiation Team: Good Morning Angie, Francois, and the rest of you, glad you excluded those nasty EU presidents from the negotiations. We give you notice Under article 50, that we no longer wish to be part of the EU.

EU Team: Good Morning Mdme May, and I suppose you are here to negotiate access to free trade, and no freedom of movement.

UK Negotiation Team: No, we don't want anything, we have free trade deals lined up with the USA, Canada, China, and most of the rest of the world, which will be signed tomorrow.

Eu Team: We will not let you go, you have to wait 2 years

UK team. No we don't, as we speak Parliament is repealing The European community act.

Eu Team: Oh, so you don't want anything?

UK Team Not at the moment thanks, however is there anything you want?

Eu Team, Um well Germany, France & Spain would like to sell you some BMWs Wine Cheese and tomatoes

UK team Not a problem as long as you pay the tariffs.

Eu team That would cause us lots of problems and you know we have elections this year, if our people start losing their jobs, we will lose ours.

UK team Sorry about that, but we have sorted out all our exports to non EU countries, so it will be a nice little earner for us.

Eu team silence, ....more silence, what about your Financial services, and your Universities, and you Top notch research facilities, and your Superior Intelligence services?

UK team You want access? OK perhaps we'll give you that if you fund their development

Eu team, that seems reasonable, all agreed, OK we will do that, does that come with free trade?

UK team, You have a deal, Merci, Gracias Danke, just sign here.


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Migalot on 23 November 2016, 10:36:28
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 23 November 2016, 10:44:33
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.

 ;D      ;D      ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 23 November 2016, 10:59:15
My French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex.


She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

 ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 07 December 2016, 11:24:05
Been a while since I posted any jokes:

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 07 December 2016, 11:35:58
A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway train next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", Then returned
to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 08 December 2016, 10:19:57
Just opened a Christmas present from my uncle. It was a box of rice.
Thanks Uncle Ben.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 10 December 2016, 10:32:58
My mate swallowed some Lego.

The doctors aren't too worried, but he's shitting bricks.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 13 December 2016, 21:38:13
The four stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa

2. You don't believe in Santa

3. You dress up like Santa

4. You actually look like Santa

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 14 December 2016, 17:07:45


(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CzWGEh5WgAAlFeO.jpg:large)


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 18 December 2016, 11:21:38


A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.

When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, "I'm afraid so...I'm so sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience an erection ever again?"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might... but it won't be yours"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Migalot on 20 December 2016, 22:58:50
A warning to all, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then went onto the cocktails. Not a good idea..

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my motorbike at the pub and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests.
Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Double Decker before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

 ;) ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 21 December 2016, 06:35:20
Catholics are people that can't get enough of cats.....
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Migalot on 21 December 2016, 13:56:22
After seven years of medical training and a further 10 years hard work, my very good friend
has been struck off after one minor mistake. He fell in love and had a
relationship with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the
profession. What a waste of time, training and money.

A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet . .
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: plym ian on 26 December 2016, 10:51:07
I see George Michael's autopsy revealed a chocolate bar lodged in his bumhole, yeah, it's a careless whisper.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 29 December 2016, 03:31:40
I was in a bar when the barman shouted 'DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?'

I said 'Yeah, I know the whole alphabet'

Everyone laughed  . . . . . except this one guy.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 31 December 2016, 13:20:52
The AA have warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a Blanket/Sleeping bag, extra clothing (including Hat, Scarf and Gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-Icer, salt, torch, spare battery, spare crank sensor, petrol can, first aid kit and some jump leads.
I looked a right Fool on the bus..
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 31 December 2016, 18:01:36
The AA have warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a Blanket/Sleeping bag, extra clothing (including Hat, Scarf and Gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-Icer, salt, torch, spare battery, spare crank sensor, petrol can, first aid kit and some jump leads.
I looked a right Fool on the bus..

I'm not surprised, you forgot the HBV! ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: grifter on 02 January 2017, 16:29:50
Just got a new fridge, was well excited, you want to have seen my face light up when I opened it!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Migalot on 02 January 2017, 22:04:45
My New Year's resolutions are:

1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 January 2017, 17:26:47
I've had to provide a new password for this site and as it was dinner time I chose "beefstew" but it said it wasn't stroganoff.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 January 2017, 17:29:05
Oldie thoughts for fellow seniors:

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza for dinner.

3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash.
b. Grill some meat.

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented... I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 60. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Freebird on 22 January 2017, 16:14:58
Car windscreen was frosted over ......cleared it with a store card out my wallet.............got 20% off
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Freebird on 22 January 2017, 16:17:13
My great grandmother died after completing a half marathon, we can moan she had a good run
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 27 January 2017, 14:15:53
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STEMO on 27 January 2017, 14:20:13
It was bike when Broocie posted it.  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 30 January 2017, 23:29:01

I'm not sure this should be in the "Jokes" section. Possibly real  ;D


(http://i77.photobucket.com/albums/j74/Old_Mosher/PC%20Normal%20Conversation_zpspoz9staj.jpg)


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 04 February 2017, 16:28:32


I liked this . . . . . .

from Sarcasm Society on facebook

(https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1460980_496480923800257_1187545168_n.png?oh=88c27c3c900d0655882e03719e72ecbf&oe=5912CD5D)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 06 February 2017, 00:18:19
Not many post or respond here. Ah well here we go, with the sheep jokes . . . .



A bloke goes into a pub, in Wales . . . and asks for a gin and tonic.

All the pub falls silent, then the landlord says "Where are you from boyo, you sound English"?

"Er, I'm from Bristol actually" he replies nervously.

"Bristol you say, and what do you do in Bristol, look you"? says the Landlord

"I'm a Taxidermist" says the man

"Taxi.... what"? says the Landlord, "is that something to do with transport boyo?

The man says "No I stuff and mount animals"

The landlord shouts "It's OK lads, he's one of us"!





Oh dear, very predictable. But . . . . I still chuckle      :)

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 06 February 2017, 20:54:43
Best diet yet!!
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It’s really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 06 February 2017, 21:06:03
Had a fight with a erection this morning

Beat it with a single handed  :D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 February 2017, 11:40:04
Signs You’re Getting Old.

20. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
19. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
18. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
17. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
16. You hear your favourite song in a lift.
15. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as "dressed up."
14. You're the one calling the police because those annoying kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
12. You feed your dog tinned dog food instead of last nights takeaway leftovers.
11. Sleeping on the settee makes your back hurt.
10. You take naps.
9. Pictures then dinner is the whole night instead of the beginning of one.
8. Eating a curry at 2:00 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
7. You go to the chemist's for ibuprofen and Gaviscon, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
6. A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
4. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
2. When you find out your friend's missus is pregnant you congratulate him instead of asking "Oh heck, what happened?"
And the number one sign you are getting old is:
1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one!!..
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Butts69 on 24 February 2017, 00:59:38
I couldn't work out how to use my seat belt.

Then it clicked.



I'm addicted to break fluid.

It's ok I can stop anytime.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 25 February 2017, 11:55:54


Probably not really a "joke", but not up to a topic in General Discussioms




If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer over one year at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, my new investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

 ;D


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 12 March 2017, 20:06:10
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 15 March 2017, 13:12:42
    It's great that corny jokes are available in various languages.

    Here's one in Spanish.



    Uno.
     

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 15 March 2017, 13:14:21
People keep asking me where I see myself in 3 years.

Come on, I don't have 2020 vision!


My sexy neighbour called round the other day. She said to me, "You steal any of my underwear from my washing line again I'm going straight to the police."
I nearly messed her pants.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 15 March 2017, 13:18:21
l have ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon...........l'll let you know

A guy tried to sell me a coffin the other day. That's the last thing l need

l was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. people were giving me weird looks so l started jogging instead
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 15 March 2017, 13:20:01
An old fella walks into a barber's and says "Do you do shaves? I've never had a shave in a barber's but I can't shave meself properly any more, me cheeks 'ave got too wrinkly. Can you help?"
"No problem" says the barber "I've got just the thing." He gets a golf ball from a jar and tells the old boy to put it in his mouth between his teeth and cheek. He does as he's asked, his cheek puffs out smooth and the barber gets to work. When that side's done he rolls the ball to the other side of his mouth and spits it out when the shave's done.
"Bloody hell, that's a lovely job, son" he says as he feels his face "that's the smoothest shave I've 'ad in donkey's years. Tell you what though, what if I'd swallowed that golf ball?"
"No problem pops, you could have brought it back in a couple of days like the last bloke."



I asked my Mum and Dad what they did to stave off boredom before the internet came along. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters too, and they didn't know, either.


My doctor said "I'm having difficulty interpreting your test result - but I think it may indicate an alcohol problem"

I said "That's okay doc. Try again and I'll come back when you're sober".



Yesterday I saw a car with a boot sticker saying, "I'm a vet, so I can drive like an animal."

It was at that moment that I suddenly realised just how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.



I had a row with my acupuncturist. It got so bad, I stabbed him. He said he'd never felt better.



I asked the librarian if they had the latest book about small willies.

She said " I don't think it's in yet"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 15 March 2017, 13:24:35
    l was in ASDA buying a bag of Bakers Choice for my dog, and while in the check-out queue a very posh woman behind me asked if l had a dog....
    Why else would l be buying dog food....????

    So on impulse l told her that no, l didn't have a dog, l was starting back on the Bakers Diet again, and that l probably shouldn't because l ended up in the hospital the last time....
    But that l'd lost 5 stones, before l woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out most of my orifices and IVs in both arms....
    l told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and all you do is load your pockets with Bakers Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry...
    The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and l was going to try it again. (l have to mention here that nearly everyone within earshot was now listening to my story.)
    Horrified, she asked if l ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me....
    l told her no, l stepped off the pavement to sniff a Labradors backside, and a Black Taxi hit me......
     

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 15 March 2017, 13:27:32
Sad news as a man was killed in a chocolate factory today, apparently 500lbs of white confectionary fell on him...........................he tried to call for help but when he shouted the 'milky bars are on me!' every one just cheered and clapped........



I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said ‘No, it’s a permanent job’


I see Battersea Dog's Home has gone bust. They've had to call in the retrievers.....


My wife complained l never buy her flowers..........................l didn't even know she sold them


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 15 March 2017, 23:27:57
Wife: I think I'd like bigger tits!

Husband: Have you tried rubbing paper between them?

Wife: Do you think that would work?

Husband: Well it did on your arse!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 28 March 2017, 10:56:29
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

“The golf balls are the important things -- your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

“The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

“The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and ‘fix the disposal’.

“Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 29 March 2017, 23:21:47


Punctuation matters . . . . .


(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C8FSXHMWkAUMhDw.jpg:large)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 30 March 2017, 03:13:17
Nicked from another forum . . . . . not my joke, honestly   ::)






Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car.

Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, I can't afford to be blamed for anything.

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.

The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.




I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."



MORE  . . . . . . . . . . . . .



Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mrs Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Nicola, in her best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained Nicola, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Nicola searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Nicola, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: grifter on 02 April 2017, 00:55:25
Walking past a shop the other day and notice they were selling microscopes, so wen't in for a closer look!

There's a new joke about butter going round, but I don't want to spread it!

Police have found a mans body behind the local dominoes covered in ham, cheese and pineapple. Police believe he topped himself!

I'll do algebra, calculus, and even trigonometry but graphs is where I draw the line!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 12 April 2017, 02:33:28

Our Wi-Fi wasn't working last night so I sat & chatted to the Mrs for a change.

I was surprised to hear that she no longer works at Woolworths.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 12 April 2017, 12:21:02

Our Wi-Fi wasn't working last night so I sat & chatted to the Mrs for a change.

I was surprised to hear that she no longer works at Woolworths.

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Andy H on 17 April 2017, 22:15:33
A flight is on its way to Sydney, when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then informs the blonde that she has only paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo who has an economy ticket but is sitting in first class, and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she then says, "Oh, I'm sorry" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight
attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replies, "I told her that first class isn't going to Sydney."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 29 April 2017, 18:12:26
Some one liners part1

How did Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

� Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

� A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

� I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

� Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes

� England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

� I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

� They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

� I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

� Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

� I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

� I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

� This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

� When chemists die, they barium.

� I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 29 April 2017, 18:13:19
one liners part2

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

� Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

� I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

� Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

� When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

� Broken pencils are pointless.

� What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

� I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

� All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on

� I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
� Velcro - what a rip off!

� Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 29 April 2017, 18:14:23
one liners part3

I'm thinking of selling my vacuum cleaner. All it's doing is gathering dust.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare

I just saw loads of Easter bunnies hopping backwards together. Or maybe it was a receding hare line.

Jokes about white sugar are rare, but jokes about brown sugar - Demerara

I've got a Bonnie Tyler sat nav and it's terrible. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

A bloke just threw a chocolate bar at me. How dairy.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 29 April 2017, 18:17:07
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything
that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals,
sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous'
blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They
couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good
Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then
she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know
they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought
even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once
again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the
sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a
different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking
toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute,
young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do
you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied,'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 29 April 2017, 18:18:39
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”

“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.

“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.

“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”








“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 02 May 2017, 14:13:40
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,
-“I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,
-“Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving?”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 12 May 2017, 18:23:44
Renewable energy, I am a big fan.

Don't get many vegetable jokes on here. If you know any do lettuce know.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: 78bex on 22 June 2017, 01:50:14
  ;D ;D  :)

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4Oag-LlvCQ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4Oag-LlvCQ)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: b4ndit on 27 June 2017, 21:39:56


        Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

        Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose co-ordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

        Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors  would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the  bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that  it was good.

        So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
         
        Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

        #9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

        #8  Life is sexually transmitted.
         
        #7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

        #6   Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

        #5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

        #4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

        #3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

        #2  In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

        #1  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

        Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.

     

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: grifter on 11 July 2017, 21:00:56
I was invited to a nudist colony, I might go....if I've got nothing on!

In Jamaica a steak pie costs £2. In Trinidad and Tobago and apple pie costs £1.50, and in Bermuda and chicken pie costs £2.50. These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 12 July 2017, 13:50:05
I was in a restaurant when someone threw a Prawn Cocktail straight at my head, I turned around and this fella shouted...."And thats just for Starters.....
 
My Thai girlfriend says a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship............................................l still wish she didn't have one
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 12 July 2017, 13:53:07
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

l was having an operation today and the surgeon kept telling jokes..........he had me in stitches

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party..........so l made her and all her friends clean the house
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 18 July 2017, 12:01:59


A good catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father I'm pregnant"

He asks, "How did this happen my child?"

She says, "I think it must be the second coming!

The shocked priest asks, "What makes you think it is the second coming?"







She replied, "Because I swallowed the first!"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 July 2017, 10:34:40
I met a nice Dutch girl last night. She was wearing inflatable shoes.

Rang her today and she had popped her clogs.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 23 July 2017, 19:14:52
I just couldn't resist this one I found . . . . .

Say what you like about Scousers, but they are indirectly responsible for one of the greatest motoring inventions of our time. . . . .






Locking wheel nuts     😂




Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 26 July 2017, 21:37:24

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.

It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex      ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 29 July 2017, 11:35:51
Just sent my dad this as he is having computer trouble.

You have made three attempts , you now require a new password


cabbage

Sorry Password must be more than eight characters


boiled cabbage

Sorry the password must contain 1 numerical character


1 boiled cabbage

Sorry the password cannot have blank spaces


50bloodyboiledcabbages

Sorry the password must contain at least one upper case character


50BLOODYboiledcabbages

Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively


50Bloodyboiledcabbagesrammeddownyourthroatifyoudon'tgivemeaccessimmediately

Sorry the password cannot contain punctuation


NowIamgettingreallyangry50Bloodyboiledcabbagesrammeddownyourthroatifyoudonotgivemeaccessimmediately

Sorry that password is already in use

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 30 July 2017, 16:25:47

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, and President Trump strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to Windsor Castle, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on to Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right horse nearest the carriage lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shook the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Trump:

"Mr President, please, accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:

"Your Majesty, please do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it,
I thought it was one of the horses."


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 30 July 2017, 20:11:42
The man who invented predictive text has died

His funfair is monkey.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: ronnyd on 31 July 2017, 22:28:50
The man who invented predictive text has died

His funfair is monkey.
They take at least three weeks over here. ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 04 August 2017, 23:28:05
Cracking offer on Amazon. If you buy any sheet music by Adam and the Ants they will throw in a free stand and deliver


My dad is a dyslexic Yorkshireman, he wears a cat flap
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 06 August 2017, 15:06:49
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me 'Oi, what's your disability mate?'


I said 'Tourettes, you self-abuser (use proper word here along with many other expletives) . . . . . . .  now f*** off !'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 05 September 2017, 16:55:04
I just want you all to know that I'm leaving Facebook, the ride has been a blast and I've made many friends who I do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humour and wit is amazing. I'll miss all of you, but I've decided I need to spend more time with the family. So see you all after my dinner...!!..
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 13 September 2017, 17:33:14


Spotted on another forum . . . . . .


How do you milk sheep?







Bring out a new iPhone and charge £1000 for it.        ::)





Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 28 September 2017, 22:52:18
One of the shortest wills ever written went like this...

Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 27 November 2017, 10:54:37


An American couple were having lunch in Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch in North Wales

"Excuse me" the man asks the waitress

"How exactly do you pronouce the name of this place that we're eating lunch in ? "




Buurr - ggerr - Kingggg replies the young lady slowly






Ok, I know. There isn't actually one there. But hey . . .



Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 04 December 2017, 13:23:27
Earth is invaded by Aliens, but it turns out that they're peaceful and happy and so everyone loves them.

Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask so a conference is arranged. World leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are invited to ask their most important questions.

It is the Pope's turn to ask a question;

Pope: "I was wondering...have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"

Alien: "Jesus? Yes of course! He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a big party"

[The Pope looks confused]

Pope: "You must be mistaken...Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we've been waiting for his return ever since...why would he visit you so often?"

Alien: "Well..."; they look at each other "...maybe your chocolate wasn't good"

Pope: "Pardon me?"

Alien: "When Jesus first showed up on our planet we gave him really great chocolate...what did you guys do?"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 03 January 2018, 13:52:48

Maybe not a joke

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DSmJlR3UMAAP6qp.jpg:large



Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STEMO on 03 January 2018, 20:48:04

Maybe not a joke

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DSmJlR3UMAAP6qp.jpg:large
Quite funny, though.  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 04 January 2018, 11:34:46
 :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: ronnyd on 04 January 2018, 23:05:00
SWMBO didn,t get it. ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 20 January 2018, 18:41:06
 In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
 
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabby and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
''Well, Sir,” Smithers replied, “ I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the boxing middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of........................."
At which point the Colonel interrupted,
"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the local witch doctor to f*&k off."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 27 January 2018, 16:50:35

So true . . .


(https://i.imgflip.com/23eswt.jpg) (https://imgflip.com/i/23eswt)via Imgflip Meme Generator (https://imgflip.com/memegenerator)


 ;)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 29 January 2018, 18:55:33
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.


Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops' and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near. As she turns around,
her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.


Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, "Good day Madam. How may we help you today?”


Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, "What is the price of this lovely bracelet?"


He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it -
you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: grifter on 29 January 2018, 19:32:40
The government have decided to cut 1p from petrol. It's now going to be called etrol. 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STEMO on 29 January 2018, 19:49:08

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, and President Trump strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to Windsor Castle, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on to Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right horse nearest the carriage lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shook the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Trump:

"Mr President, please, accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:

"Your Majesty, please do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it,
I thought it was one of the horses."


 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 05 February 2018, 19:00:04
They live amongst us !!!!

1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. *THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. *DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo...!!!)

8. *THE GRAND FINALE!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!


*Now remember, these are all true stories, these people vote and most have children!*
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 08 February 2018, 09:14:19
Two young businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall..
As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in, only a few shelves and display racks set up

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old geezer is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well… Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: scimmy_man on 15 February 2018, 16:37:43
James Bond is laid off and at the job centre, there are only two jobs available, one in a call centre and the other in a fabric colouring plant.

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: deviator on 28 February 2018, 08:53:43
Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere..........

Charles Dicken’s ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’ was first serialised in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester Times, it was The Worcester Times.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 05 March 2018, 19:30:14
  A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.
 
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.
 
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000' the jeweler said. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah."
 
  The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now  and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
 
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir ...There's no money in that account!'
 
'''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'"
 
  Not All Seniors Are Senile...
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 06 March 2018, 22:38:22
Dr. Laura Schlesinger

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is
an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted
on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
 
Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements
of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like
we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your adoring fan.


James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia


p.s It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: STEMO on 08 March 2018, 21:39:54
Pure class.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: deviator on 09 March 2018, 14:22:23
I was at the zoo the other day and I saw a bagette in a cage. I stopped a member of staff to ask what it was all about, she explained it was 'Bread in captivity'.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: ronnyd on 10 March 2018, 19:24:29
I was at the zoo the other day and I saw a bagette in a cage. I stopped a member of staff to ask what it was all about, she explained it was 'Bread in captivity'.
Quite liked that  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 12 March 2018, 23:44:59

Apologies in advance  . . . . .  ::)     :-X     :-X

Nicked from another forum


The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Now let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!


Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: deviator on 14 March 2018, 13:30:48
Given recent posts, now is probably (not) the time to post this.....

The wife said to me last night, 'You're not listening are you?'
I thought that's a strange way to start a conversation.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 14 March 2018, 19:12:34
Given recent posts, now is probably (not) the time to post this.....

The wife said to me last night, 'You're not listening are you?'
I thought that's a strange way to start a conversation.

Deja-vu all over again. :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 17 May 2018, 19:21:05
THESE DAYS ARE  COMING? A Group of Old Boys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because the waitresses had big tits and wore mini-skirts.     Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.      Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.     Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should  meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a loo for the disabled.     Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.   Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because they had never been there before.
 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 18 May 2018, 15:41:02

I think I might have screwed up. Several of us local retired pilots were asked to address a junior high gathering put on by the PTA.  I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage to myself.  I talked about staying in school, getting good grades, and all that usual bullshit; and since I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions.
The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?”
 
I said, “That's an easy one. Looking back over my 8 decades, I believe I've spent close to 90% of my earnings on booze and whores. The rest I just wasted."
 
I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:
 
1) If it flies, floats, or f**ks, it's cheaper to rent it.
 
2) If it's got tits or tires, you're gonna have problems with it.
 
I hope they invite me back next year, so I can finish.
 
They need to know this stuff!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 07 June 2018, 15:33:22
The blonde was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to her car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Yes", answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me; I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.

My problem is that I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already, so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.

Could you possibly take them to the Zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified to see the blonde, walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes, the trucker pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the Zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: New POD on 07 June 2018, 21:53:03

Apologies in advance  . . . . .  ::)     :-X     :-X

Nicked from another forum


The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football,


 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!

Bludy insulting is what it is.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 09 June 2018, 03:12:28
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 09 June 2018, 12:03:41
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 10 June 2018, 15:03:25
-On being told that someone has purchased a new car, women ask what color it is. Men ask what the make and model are.

-Men have no opinions whatsoever on curtains.

-Ask for directions from a woman out and about, and she will give you landmarks by shopping stores. Men will give you landmarks by restaurants and pubs.

-Men appreciate the importance of a 42-inch plasma screen.

-Women can use love making to get what they want. Men can’t because, well, what they want is love making.

-Men speak in sentences. Women speak in paragraphs.

-At weddings, women cry and then drink too much. Men drink too much and then cry.-Men can balance an infinite amount of rubbish in the dustbin can without ever noticing it’s full.

-Women know when all you want to do is get it off your shoulders and whine. Men always offer a solution.

-Women enjoy planning a wedding. Men enjoy just getting it over with.

-Women know what to do when someone starts to cry. Men just shuffle out of the room, mumbling something about the grouting.

-Men can watch an entire movie without having to ask: ‘Who is that, and what did he do?’

-A man can choose and purchase – in 90 seconds – a pair of shoes.

-Women can remember every outfit they wore for the past decade. Men cannot remember what they wore yesterday without looking at the floor next to the bed.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 14 June 2018, 14:27:42
AAADD

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
there's a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
there's still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 29 June 2018, 10:11:36
A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of
clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his
entire life."

"Where's President Trump’s clock?" asked the man.

St. Peter said "Trump’s clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a
ceiling fan."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 23 July 2018, 15:29:27
Three women die together in an accident and
go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have
one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are
ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to
step on a duck, and although they try their best to
avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps
on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't
miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on
any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to
deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'


The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck!'
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 30 July 2018, 23:24:28


My wife was rummaging through her wardrobe the other day, trying stuff on as they do.

She turned and said "look at this, it still fits me, even after 25 years!"












But it's a scarf . . . . . !!!!!



 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 11 September 2018, 16:45:21
A French Army knife!  ;D

http://thumbpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/funny-French-army-knife1.jpg
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: ronnyd on 11 September 2018, 22:11:08
A French Army knife!  ;D

http://thumbpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/funny-French-army-knife1.jpg
Or Italian?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Migv6 le Frog Fan on 11 September 2018, 22:23:53
A turkey is standing at the side of the road trying cross. A chicken walks past and says "don't do it mate, you will never hear the end of it".
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: deviator on 18 September 2018, 12:02:28
Possibly not safe for work...
https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/41922389_10217470922745409_8178571807029198848_o.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=b92227fab7398385ae8bdb235c04cc82&oe=5C20D245

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 18 September 2018, 15:25:07
A flat chested young woman goes out looking for a new bra one day.

She tries shop after shop trying to find a size 28A yet she can't get one anywhere.

Finally, in desperation, she tries her fortunes in a little unmentionables shop run by an woman who's hard of hearing.

"Have you got anything in size 28A?" asks the young woman.

"What was that, dear?" says the old woman.

The young woman repeats herself again.

Still the old woman can't hear her, so the young woman lifts up her T-shirt baring her breasts and says, "Have you got anything for these?"

The old woman peers at the woman's boobs and says, "No, dear. Have you tried Clearasil?"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: deviator on 20 September 2018, 12:56:21
Whoever has stolen my Office CD, I'm going to kill you, you have my Word.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 28 September 2018, 11:54:35
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be a quiet one in Essex.

As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the unusual shaped coffin was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.".......   ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: tigers_gonads on 28 September 2018, 12:10:27
(https://i.postimg.cc/vTbLxZhj/IMG_1326.jpg)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Entwood on 02 October 2018, 23:09:49
A wife asks her software engineer husband - "Hey, could you go to the shop for me and get a litre of milk? And if they have eggs, get six."

The husband returns with six litres of milk. - "Why on earth did you buy six liters of milk??" asks the bewildered wife.

"They had eggs."

........................................................................

There are 10 different types of people who understand binary .....  those who do and those who don't .....   
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 03 October 2018, 15:53:28
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Migv6 le Frog Fan on 11 October 2018, 13:25:47
Someone is tipping a wheelbarrow full of topsoil on my allotment every night. The plot thickens. 
Title: Rules for rednecks
Post by: Shackeng on 28 October 2018, 09:54:54
Subject: Tips for Rednecks

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using your OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested, for example: 'I've been wanting to get you in the sack since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat so much for a fat gal.'

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack at this time.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. When out lamping, dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mister Rog on 04 November 2018, 09:37:09

A little boy asks his dad . . . ''Dad, why is my sister called Teresa''?

Wel" says Dad, it's an anagram of Easter and your mum likes Easter.

OK dad, thanks for explaining.

No problem Alan, anytime.

Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: dave the builder on 09 November 2018, 18:47:41
(https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/45856516_10212722370883565_5223990716652322816_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=4d8627a18ffbba30d84de7ca68fe8683&oe=5C6C022D)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: henryd on 14 November 2018, 18:13:17
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 20 November 2018, 13:55:29
I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings. He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this oppsin phone belongs to?"
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 25 November 2018, 16:39:13
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGJC-MZf3zE

Probably NWS.  ;)  ;D
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Shackeng on 20 December 2018, 19:47:31
Apologies if this has been on before. I still think it is funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttrzG5F4R3o
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: 78bex on 03 January 2019, 23:33:39
2 men in advancing years are walking thru a farmers field & hear a little voice calling them

They look down & a talking frog tells them she has been cursed by a wicked witch

If one of the men picks her up & kisses her, he will be rewarded by young maiden who will serve him for the rest of his life.

The only man who can manage, bends down & picks up the frog: he stares at it & slips it into his pocket & the 2 men continue walking thru the field.

After some time the other man says; "you lucky bugger; if I was you I`d be kissing that frog."
After some thought the man takes the frog out of pocket & says; "no at this point in my live I`d prefer to have a talking frog "
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 03 February 2019, 23:05:07
Viagra!



It won't make you James Bond.  :( 



But it will make you Roger Moore!  :y
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 18 March 2019, 16:46:36
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon said " Electricians are the best, as everything inside is colour coded. "

The second surgeon said " No, I think librarians are, as everything inside is laid out in alphabetical order. "

The third surgeon shut them both up when he said " You're both wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine. Plus the head and the butt are interchangable! "
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: btc on 30 April 2019, 18:08:36

So I'm at Pets at Home buying a bag of dog food for the brats

While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog

Why else would I be buying dog food muppet ?

So being twisted andy I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks!

I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)

Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's arse and a lorry hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Now that you've read this I have to confess, I stole it from another page! Now go make someone else laugh
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: The Pikey Pensioner on 09 May 2019, 17:33:02
Wife 'That broom handle has given me blisters'.

Husband 'Take the car next time'.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 23 May 2019, 09:41:40
What does a dwarf get if he runs through a woman's legs?

A clit round the ear and a flap in the face!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Raeturbo on 26 May 2019, 16:00:32
An englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub and the barman says.. ‘is this some kind of a joke?’
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Sir Tigger QC on 28 July 2019, 00:47:52
Me: Can I have a go in the hedge now?

Hedgehog: No!
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 06 August 2019, 18:05:38
Do you want a bj?

Yes please!

It is with a piranha

Then no thanks

You can't change your mind now, a bj means a bj
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Raeturbo on 06 August 2019, 21:23:57
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: dave the builder on 13 August 2019, 18:52:05
(https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/68638645_1975113999300763_5618557920342966272_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQn2HeBJM-RUXogXneHfD3EGsqquGtN7Yr1KMtBh4dIsH5GjcCPimqZQ7uJAJaQjgOoOGRLn8MDI3gxCenqolPU2&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=be768c62f37bd8472ee375de45413ee8&oe=5DE3E647)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: 78bex on 19 August 2019, 00:34:31
A very forgetful fella calls the cops to report a dead man on his property
The cop says, "How do you know he`s dead" ;" Well I don`t  know if he`s actually dead, I just assumed he was dead.........He`s been lying out there now for about a month or could be longer I forget.
The cop say`s , "where do you live, we`ll send someone over" ; "well I used to live in the next street & I can clearly remember my old address......... let me call you back.
The cop say`s , " why do you need to call us back ; "well it`s gonna take a bit of time to drag this sucker over to the next street  :)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Raeturbo on 19 August 2019, 22:57:44
Lady walks into a butchers and says, ‘you’ve got a pigs head in the window’. Butcher replies, that’s   Not a pigs head, it’s a mirror.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 20 August 2019, 09:09:07
Best joke from the fringe...

I keep shouting Cauliflower , Broccoli . I think I have florets
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Andy B on 20 August 2019, 10:18:38
Best joke from the fringe...

I keep shouting Cauliflower , Broccoli . I think I have florets

There are some easily offended people out there .....  :-X
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-49395718
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Doctor Gollum on 20 August 2019, 10:48:30
Best joke from the fringe...

I keep shouting Cauliflower , Broccoli . I think I have florets

There are some easily offended people out there .....  :-X
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-49395718
https://images.app.goo.gl/xP3jLAuAyxXhTmos5
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Raeturbo on 02 September 2019, 14:30:10
A group of HELL'S ANGELS, NORTH Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
??
BUDDY, their leader, a old navy guy in his 70???s, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says
??
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?
??
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!
??
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," Buddy also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked,
??
"Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give ol' Buddy here your best last kiss?"
??
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
??
After they breathlessly finished, Buddy gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
??
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
??
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
??
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
 
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Migv6 le Frog Fan on 06 September 2019, 19:48:07
I said "Alexa, what do women want ?"  The bloody thing hasn't shut up for the last 7 hours.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: dave the builder on 06 September 2019, 19:57:01
I said "Alexa, what do women want ?"  The bloody thing hasn't shut up for the last 7 hours.
just submerse her in water for a couple of hours  :y
or unplug the Amazon device  ::)
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Varche on 08 September 2019, 14:02:14
Will my Continental Quilt work after Brexit?
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: The Pikey Pensioner on 01 October 2019, 08:18:57
Dianne Abbot was visiting Ireland and was asked what she thought of County Down.

She said she preferred it when Carol Vorderman was on it.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: deviator on 04 October 2019, 12:49:04
My wife is so ungrateful, I give her an orgasm every morning, she just spits it out.

What is most sensitive part of the male body during masterbation?
The ears.

I told my wife I had a thing for Beyonce, she said, 'What ever floats your boat', I said, 'No, thats buoyancy'

After Brexit we will only be able to import large blocks of cheese, it's a plan to make Britain grate again.

My mate and his wife have gotten into S&M. She sleeps, he masterbates.
Title: Re: Sticky for Jokes
Post by: Raeturbo on 04 October 2019, 16:00:38
Guy in court for murder, judge says, what have you got to say for yourself? Why did you kill that man with sandpaper? Defendant says, I didn’t mean to kill him, I just wanted to rough him up a bit.