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Please play nicely.  No one wants to listen/read a keyboard warriors rants....

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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 153374 times)

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CaptainZok

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #180 on: 03 July 2012, 13:50:10 »

A mate of mine was telling me yesterday that he always cries after sex ............. mind you, he is in Strangeways Jail. ;D ;D
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Tonka.

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #181 on: 03 July 2012, 15:17:47 »

 ;D  ;D  ;D Very good  :y
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #182 on: 04 July 2012, 01:46:30 »

Just bought the wife some crotch-less knickers for Halloween.
Nothing sexual. Just gives her a much better grip on her broomstick.
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Omegatoy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #183 on: 05 July 2012, 22:11:13 »

 motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is that I make $20,000 a year and you make $500,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....

"Try doing it with the engine running. :y

Jimbob

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #184 on: 05 July 2012, 22:12:10 »

TWO PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally, one day Justin said to Christian 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
... A large mysterious cod appeared and said 'Your wish is granted'.
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could
Change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied 'No way man you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian'

Kendo1690

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #185 on: 06 July 2012, 17:40:56 »

Me & my missus' favourite sexual position is called the ''England football team'' Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no communication & we never make it past the 1st stage. There's horrible dribbling & never a clean sheet. Its
over far too quickly & when it does end I know it'll be at least another four years before it happens again !!!
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Richie London

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #186 on: 06 July 2012, 18:26:05 »

Why don't Welsh people count sheep to get to sleep. Because when they get to 5 the've got to stop and have a w**k
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Toledodude1973

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #187 on: 07 July 2012, 10:43:13 »

My neighours were listening to some really cool music--then they asked me to turn it down!
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Richie London

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #188 on: 07 July 2012, 18:33:18 »

The wife hinted she wanted something special and expensive to put in her bath for her birthday.

This Harrods top of the range toaster should do the trick. ;)
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Richie London

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #189 on: 07 July 2012, 21:15:57 »

The makers of GoalRef and Hawk-Eye goal-line technology have told Rangers they can't use the system next season.

Apparently it dont work with goal posts made from jumpers.
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Richie London

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #190 on: 07 July 2012, 23:42:53 »

I'm not saying my fat bitch of a wife has saggy tits, but her party piece is to flop them back over her shoulders.

Then kick them back with her heels. ;D ;D
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dbug

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God Bless Britannia!
« Reply #191 on: 08 July 2012, 23:11:18 »

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the middle east.
Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.


Britain, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Muslims.  :)


 
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Richie London

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #192 on: 09 July 2012, 10:23:40 »

Two fantastic sporting achievements today. From the British grand prix in silverstone, to the grand slam in wimbeldon. Congratulations John Terry on your two successes. :y
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Nickbat

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #193 on: 12 July 2012, 22:35:29 »

I managed to get through to Babestation tonight.

The girl asked me what I wanted her to do. I said "Can you hide? The wife's on her way home and I can't find the remote!"

 ;)
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #194 on: 14 July 2012, 12:10:26 »

A wee white mouse is running along the edge of a lake in Africa when he spots a hippo in the water.
'OI!!, fat git, out the water now!!' he shouts

The hippo looks stunned. ' who? Me?'

'aye you! Out! Now!'

So as the hippo starts to come out the water and the wee mouse looks him up and down
' acht it's ok, go back in, go back in'  he shouts. And runs further along the lakes edge.

He then comes across a rhino in the water. ' OI!, tubby! Out the water now!'

The rhino looks up ' me??'

'aye you! Get over here right now!!'

The rhino shrugs his shoulders and starts to come out of the water , once again the wee white mouse looks him up and down and says ' back in, back in!!
He runs a little further along and comes across an elephant in the lake.

' OI!!' he shouts ' get your big fat arse out the water right now!!!'

The elephant cant believe what hes heard.  ' me??!

'aye you, move it!!'

So the elephant starts to come out when again the mouse, looking more and more angry, stamping his feet on the bank shouts 'acht FFS, it's ok, get back in get back in!'

All this time a lion has been sat under a tree watching this wee mouse running along and shouting abuse, so he roars to the wee mouse..

 ' here you, what is it your doing asking everyone to get outa the lake, upsetting everyone ?'

The wee white mouse turns and says ' some bastards stole my trunks!'



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