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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 168317 times)

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Richie London

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #165 on: 27 June 2012, 19:28:39 »

When I heard that my wife had been killed in an accident, I wasn't sure if I wanted to carry on.

But then I thought, opps it, the substitutions had already been made and it would have been selfish to leave the lads with only ten men on the pitch.
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tigers_gonads

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #166 on: 28 June 2012, 12:00:01 »

My Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis should'nt affect our sex life, she may be right....but i'd prefer it if she did'nt have one.
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Please note, 95% of my posts are piss take or banter and should always be taken as so.

Please feel free to give it back in the same spirit.

The Red Baron

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #167 on: 28 June 2012, 12:05:03 »

My Thai girlfriend reckons that a small penis should'nt affect our sex life, she may be right....but i'd prefer it if she did'nt have one.

oh dear me. ::)
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Plomien

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #168 on: 28 June 2012, 16:53:27 »

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"

The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"

"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with
tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"
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No more Omega but still hangs around

Richie London

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #169 on: 28 June 2012, 17:20:01 »

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun,

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"break off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
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SIR Philbutt

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Re: They walk among us .....
« Reply #170 on: 28 June 2012, 19:15:00 »

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

------------------------------------- 

One day I was walking down the beach with some  friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that  dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

-------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

-------------------------------------------- 

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

------------------------------------ 

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped.  She keeps it in the car trunk.

---------------------------------------------

I  couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands.  'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived  yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

-----------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared  to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6.  He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

-----------------------------------------------
   
Dumb  as a box of Rocks
TRUE  STORY:

A  noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.  Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at  ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely  normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied.  'You ask a simple question which anyone should  answer with no trouble.  If the person hesitates,  that puts you on the track..'

'What sort  of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you  might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around  the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen  to have another example would you?  I must confess I don't know much about  history.'

-----------------------------------------------

Traffic Camera
                                                         
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..                                                               
                                                                           
You can't fix stupid.
------------------------------------------------
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SIR Philbutt

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #171 on: 28 June 2012, 19:43:12 »

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this  from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week." 
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dbug

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Self-assessment tax return
« Reply #172 on: 28 June 2012, 21:37:06 »

I have just had my self-assessment tax return - returned.

Can you believe it?   

They sent my income tax return form back to me!

In response to Question no 4, "Do you have any dependants?"

I replied, "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable people, 91 thousand people in over 85 prisons and 650 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. Who in the hell did I miss?   

 ??? ???

 

 
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Dishevelled Den

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #173 on: 29 June 2012, 09:44:36 »


A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"




 ;D ;D ;D Splendid. ;D ;D ;D
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Martian

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #174 on: 29 June 2012, 21:58:12 »

Mark Lawrenson during the Germany v Italy game "Germany need to step on the gas"..
 
Woah Mark...Let's not encourage them to do that again.
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STMO123

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #175 on: 30 June 2012, 10:28:18 »

Mark Lawrenson during the Germany v Italy game "Germany need to step on the gas"..
 
Woah Mark...Let's not encourage them to do that again.

Naughty  ;D
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hercules

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #176 on: 30 June 2012, 11:09:24 »

the germans have applied for a euro bailout,apparently while in poland theyve been presented with a gas bill they breaked off without paying years ago  :D
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Richie London

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #177 on: 30 June 2012, 12:47:29 »

When asked about his recent trip to Auschwitz, John Terry replied. 

'It was terrible, a real shock. Total disrepair, it's going to be ages before we get it running again.'
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Richie London

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #178 on: 02 July 2012, 12:52:57 »

BBC NEWS - David Beckham Devastated To Be Left Out Of Olympics .

Its not all bad news for the Beckham family however , as wife Victoria is being tipped to be used in the Javelin event.
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b4ndit

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #179 on: 02 July 2012, 20:32:11 »

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow , worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.



The Doc asks: "What's the problem,   Janet?



The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do.



Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."



The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.



When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of Water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."



Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.



She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came Home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished,  and he didnae touch me even once!



Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"



The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
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