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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 171806 times)

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Martian

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #195 on: 14 July 2012, 20:35:42 »

That Lynx effect really works.

I sprayed myself with Lynx Africa just an hour ago and I'm already starving and covered in flies.
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Tonka.

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #196 on: 14 July 2012, 20:54:23 »

That Lynx effect really works.

I sprayed myself with Lynx Africa just an hour ago and I'm already starving and covered in flies.


 ;D ;D
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #197 on: 15 July 2012, 18:32:49 »

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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mindaz

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #198 on: 18 July 2012, 09:32:48 »

Why Drink and Drive, when you can Smoke and Fly!  ;D
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Something For the Weekend?
« Reply #199 on: 19 July 2012, 21:23:42 »

A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them,  “We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month. “

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
 
“You are back so soon...Is there a problem? “ the priest inquired.
 
“We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month. “ The young man replied sadly
 
The priest asked him what happened.
 
“Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
 
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat, “ admitted the man, shamefacedly.
 
The priest lowered his head and said sternly,  “You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church. “
 
“We know. “ said the young man, hanging his head,  “We're not welcome at Homebase, either. “

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Beware of The Older Woman.
« Reply #200 on: 19 July 2012, 21:28:11 »

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.                   
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.                                       
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. 
                                           
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.                                               
"What's that?" I asked.                                                       
"It's a mother and daughter threesome" she said.
I said, "No" - excitedly. 
                                               
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night" 
     
I went back to her place. 
                                                     
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mum, you still awake?"
 :o :o :'( :'( ;)
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Tonka.

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #201 on: 19 July 2012, 22:46:09 »

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jonnycool

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #202 on: 20 July 2012, 18:39:01 »

Couple of good 'uns there  ;D ;D ;D
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #203 on: 20 July 2012, 19:42:07 »

Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.
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Martian

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #204 on: 23 July 2012, 10:39:35 »

You wouldn't steal a car.
You wouldn't steal a film.
 
So why download a movie?
 
Because I don't like getting shot at whilst eating popcorn.
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #205 on: 23 July 2012, 11:33:29 »

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?’

Al replies, "I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.’

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?’

The waiter says, "I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.

"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor,the cook say no Mexican Jews.’

Al isn’t satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?’

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor!’and goes back into the kitchen.


While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.’

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.’

"Are you certain?" Al asks again.

"I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!’

"SENOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.
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Plomien

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #206 on: 23 July 2012, 11:47:05 »

Work Tools Explained
                             
                DRILL PRESS:
                A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
               snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
               it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
               the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you  had
               carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to
               it.

               WIRE WHEEL:
                Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
               under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
               fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in
               about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'
               
               SKILL SAW:
               A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
               
               PLIERS:
               Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
               creation of blood-blisters.
             
       
               BELT
               SANDER:
               An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
               minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
               
               HACKSAW:
               One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
               board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
               unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
               its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
               
               VISE-GRIPS:
               Generally used after pliers to completely round
               off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also
               be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
               hand.
               
               OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
               Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
               objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
               grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove
               a bearing race..
               
               TABLE SAW:
               A large stationary power tool commonly
               used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
               
               PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
               Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
               for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
               oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
               implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
               
               STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
               A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
                common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
                butchering your palms.
               
               PRY BAR:
               A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
               clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
               50 cent part.
               
               HOSE CUTTER:
               A tool used to make hoses too short.
               
               HAMMER:
               Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
               nowadays is used as a kind
               of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
               adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
               
               UTILITY KNIFE:
                Used to open and slice through the contents of
               cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
               particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
               records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
               magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
               Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
               in use.
               
                Son of a b*tch TOOL:
                Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
               garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of
               your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you
               will need.
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mantahatch

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #207 on: 24 July 2012, 07:33:53 »

You wouldn't steal a car.
You wouldn't steal a film.
 
So why download a movie?
 
Because I don't like getting shot at whilst eating popcorn.

Fantastic  :y :y :y
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Entwood

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #208 on: 24 July 2012, 18:55:56 »

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'clit' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
 
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!!!!! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
 
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
 
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
 
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it every few years.


:)
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twiglet

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #209 on: 24 July 2012, 19:14:45 »

SWMBO didn't find that amusing at all Nigel.  Can't imagine why!  :-\
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