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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 166480 times)

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #225 on: 31 July 2012, 16:06:52 »

Cheer up everybody and read on to discover the true meaning of "E-cow-nomics"

Socialism: You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

Communism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and gives you some milk.

Fascism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and sells you some milk.

Nazism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and shoots you.

Bureaucratism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

Traditional Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one, buy a bull, your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Royal Bank of Scotland (Adventure) Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company using letters of credit from your brother in law at the bank. He then executes a debt equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back with a tax exemption for 5 cows. The milk rights of the 6 cows are transfered by intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all 7 cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows with an option for one more.You sell one cow to buy a new President of the USA, leaving you with 9 cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

Surrealism: You have 2 giraffes. The state requires you to take harmonica lessons.

An American Corporation: You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows. Later you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A Greek Corporation: You have 2 cows. You borrow billions of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abbatoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have 2 cows.

A French Corporation: You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads and ports; because you want 3 cows.

A Japanese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon called Cowkimono and market it world wide.

An Italian Corporation: You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A Swiss Corporation: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A Chinese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim to have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

An Indian Corporation: You have 2 cows. You worship them.

A British Corporation: You have 2 cows. Both are mad.

An Iraqi Corporation: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy.

An Australian Corporation: You have 2 cows. Business seems pretty good, you decide to close the office and go for a few beers.

A New Zealand Corporation: You have 2 cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...

A Spanish Corporation. You have 2 cows. But they are on urbanised land so you have to pay a fine and still get rid of the cows. But who cares, the football team is the best in the world
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Dishevelled Den

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #226 on: 02 August 2012, 23:03:30 »

 ;D ;D ;D ;D All four very good V. ;D ;D :y
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cam2502

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #227 on: 04 August 2012, 21:48:12 »

British summertime has officially been changed to Muslim summertime... Some Sunni, bit mostly Shi'ite
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SteveAvfc.

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #228 on: 04 August 2012, 22:42:21 »

I phoned the council today and told them I raped a fat ginger bird last night.
The woman who answered said "You should be phoning the police, not the council"
I replied, "F**k off, I'm not ringing to confess...I want the lights in the park fixing"

Frankie Boyle humor   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Dishevelled Den

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #229 on: 07 August 2012, 08:18:11 »

I saw a dyslexic yorkshire man today wearing a cat flap.


 ;D ;D ;D ;D I missed that one. ;D ;D
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moggy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #230 on: 08 August 2012, 20:44:57 »

Its my scouse nephews 10th birthday tomorrow.So we are going to put a tenner,in his nans purse ;D
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moggy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #231 on: 08 August 2012, 20:50:32 »

Got stopped by the police today,just routine.They checked my phone, and accused me of having child porn on it.Cheeky bastards its a picture of my own cock ;D ;D ;)
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hercules

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #232 on: 08 August 2012, 21:02:43 »

i was watching the womens beech volley ball earlier until there was a wrist injury,its ok though ive got it strapped up and it should be ok by tomorrow  ::)
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Tonka.

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #233 on: 08 August 2012, 23:00:17 »

A review for Veet hair removal cream for men.
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.
Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain-crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself, which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect... ;D ;D ;D
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they just make the best of everything they have.

dbug

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The Littls bird
« Reply #234 on: 10 August 2012, 20:10:27 »

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him...


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!   
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dbug

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Bull Sh*t
« Reply #235 on: 10 August 2012, 20:12:13 »

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

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dbug

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Olympic condoms
« Reply #236 on: 10 August 2012, 20:14:30 »

Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived ... I think I'll wear Gold  tonight."
 
Wife says, "Why not wear Silver  and come second for a change."    ::) ::) ;)
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Dishevelled Den

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Re: Bull Sh*t
« Reply #237 on: 12 August 2012, 12:08:34 »


A turkey was chatting with a bull.




A little bird



Two beauts there Db 8) :-* :y
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dbug

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Re: Bull Sh*t
« Reply #238 on: 14 August 2012, 17:14:45 »

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Tainted Tony

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #239 on: 15 August 2012, 13:48:16 »

A review for Veet hair removal cream for men.
Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...[/size] ;D ;D ;D


Can't stop laughing ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Wrong Switch Tony......flicking the wrong bit for 50 years
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