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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 169278 times)

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #240 on: 16 August 2012, 11:16:52 »

The Story of the Squirrel & the Grasshopper

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END.

THE BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile.
The squirrels' food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival, they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain’s apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrels food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.
He is shown to be taking drugs.
Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government, for enriching Britain’s multicultural diversity, praises the asylum-seeking cats, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #241 on: 16 August 2012, 11:18:39 »

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

( It's nice to see a blonde winning once in a while.)
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

dbug

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A LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
« Reply #242 on: 18 August 2012, 15:35:50 »

A politician was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the politician. "How about global warming, fast broadband or the Refugee situation?" he said, smiling smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The politician, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, with a typical politician’s wisdom "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss refugees, computers, or climate change, when you don't know shit?"  Then she went back to reading her book.  ::)

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Retirement
« Reply #243 on: 18 August 2012, 15:38:22 »

The other day, my wife Mary and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a shit head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing a third ticket.  This went on for about 20 minutes..
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.  :) :) ;)
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #244 on: 18 August 2012, 15:40:12 »

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
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dbug

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RETIREMENT BONUS
« Reply #245 on: 18 August 2012, 15:42:23 »

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in their body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with  £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, an old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.  But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical  Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where sre your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.  :o
 

 
 
 

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PhilRich

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #246 on: 18 August 2012, 23:20:12 »

Bloody EPIC Varche and dbug!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
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Olympics
« Reply #247 on: 19 August 2012, 01:13:45 »

The Somalian Olympic team have just sent an apology to the games committee stating "We didn't know that sailing and shooting were separate events"   ::) ::)
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dbug

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Jet Fuel
« Reply #248 on: 19 August 2012, 01:15:58 »

Shane and Phil were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Melbourne, Australia.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Phil said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Shane says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Phil wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Shane who says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Phil says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Shane says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Phil says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

What's that?'

'Have you FARTED yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand' ??? ???
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dbug

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History Lesson
« Reply #249 on: 19 August 2012, 01:18:37 »

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F . . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, now we're fucked!”

Little Hodaiki said quietly, “Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012.”

 :y
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dbug

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Grease it well
« Reply #250 on: 19 August 2012, 01:22:57 »

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 :-* :-* :-*
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dbug

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????
« Reply #251 on: 19 August 2012, 01:24:48 »

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realise I was talking to the sheep."

 ??? ??? ;)
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dbug

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Chemist
« Reply #252 on: 19 August 2012, 01:27:43 »

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers dont ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 3-10 [small] a 3-20[medium] or a 3-30[large]. The word condom won't even be used."
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said: "3-50."
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.
"Yes !!!!" she said " He's got one hanging there ....!"



The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50 ......................


He's the Window cleaner!"   ::) ::)
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dbug

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Police Work
« Reply #253 on: 19 August 2012, 01:30:23 »

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'   :o :o
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mindaz

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #254 on: 25 August 2012, 11:40:52 »

Don't trouble troubles until troubles trouble you  ;D
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