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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 172000 times)

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #255 on: 29 August 2012, 17:22:45 »

Er indoors hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bars' wrappers.

She gets her Snickers in a Twix...
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tigers_gonads

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #256 on: 30 August 2012, 12:42:31 »

Three british paralympic wheelchair users have been banned.

They have tested positive for wd40  :D
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #257 on: 30 August 2012, 14:06:09 »


It's my scouse nephew's birthday tomorrow so as a surprise I'm going to put £10 in his Nan's purse.
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SIR Philbutt

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #258 on: 03 September 2012, 18:28:30 »

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
 
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
 
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
 
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”
 
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
 
The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”
 
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
 
The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”
 
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
 
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
 
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
 
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”
 
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
 
“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!” :o
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keep happy, keep safe, keep smiling, keep in touch

Mr Skrunts

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #259 on: 05 September 2012, 22:00:26 »

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend, and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, '

We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car !
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tigers_gonads

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #260 on: 06 September 2012, 10:50:28 »

Best one on here for a while  ;D ;D ;D
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Plomien

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #261 on: 06 September 2012, 21:23:31 »

David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim Benefits in the UK.
From next week all the forms will be printed in English
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Plomien

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #262 on: 06 September 2012, 21:23:58 »

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison ....
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Plomien

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #263 on: 06 September 2012, 21:32:52 »

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?





















Here are the Answers

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt.Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ....]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

You can go back to sleep now ....
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #264 on: 07 September 2012, 22:23:35 »

Can you believe it? My Income Tax return form has been sent back to me because, in response to question 4, "Do you have anyone dependant on you?", I replied :"2.1 million Illegal Immigrants,1.1 million Crackheads,4.4 million Unemployable Jeremy Kyle Nation Scroungers,900,000 Criminals in over 85 Prisons,Plus 650 Idiots in Parliament and the Whole of the European Commission."They said this was not an acceptable answer! So, who the hell did I miss out?
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #265 on: 08 September 2012, 12:10:52 »

God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.
You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.

Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish.
And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

des.allen

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #266 on: 09 September 2012, 21:12:39 »

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

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Dishevelled Den

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Re: RETIREMENT BONUS
« Reply #267 on: 09 September 2012, 22:12:03 »


The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
 


 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D A wee bit of quality there Db. 8) :-*
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #268 on: 15 September 2012, 12:12:13 »

A travelling salesman was passing through a small town in the West when he saw a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the stoop of his house. The little old man looked so contented that the salesman couldn't resist going over and talking to him. "You look as if you don't have a care in the world," the salesman told him. "What is your formula for a long and happy life?" "Well," replied the little old man, "I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night." "My goodness," exclaimed the salesman, "that's just great! How old are you?" "Twenty-five," was the reply.
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #269 on: 16 September 2012, 11:41:06 »

Royal corgi to get state funeral

David Cameron has announced there is to be three days of mourning, a public holiday and a state funeral in memory of Monty Windsor, the Royal corgi who sadly passed away over the weekend.

The 13-year-old Monty, who was previously owned by the Queen Mother and despite years of therapy and spells at The Priory had never been able to kick his life-long addiction to juniper berries, was recently seen out-acting Daniel Craig during a James Bond sketch featured in the Olympics opening ceremony.

‘Monty was brilliant in the sketch,’ said a Palace spokesman. ‘He greeted the secret agent, ran down a flight of stairs, performed a series of tummy-rolls and then, as the Queen boarded a waiting helicopter, wore a quizzical expression which said ‘what the hells going on?’ He was a natural.’

It is not all bad news for members of the Royal household, however. Following the death of the dog, Prince Edward now moves one place higher in importance in the Royal rankings behind Mr.Tiggiwink, a red-tailed falcon used by the Queen to keep pigeons off the lawn at Balmoral.
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?
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