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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 168662 times)

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #270 on: 18 September 2012, 22:45:37 »

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the till, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

jonnycool

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #271 on: 19 September 2012, 09:22:38 »

My wife woke me up screaming because the cot was on fire.
 "Calm down," I yelled, "It's got a one year guarantee." ffs
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #272 on: 19 September 2012, 12:43:19 »

What is an Antartian? An Antartian is a term used usually in jokes directed towards personalities that lack common sense in everyday situations. You could substitute Essex Girl if you want.

An Antartian decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the Antartian begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...Barry the ASDA manager runs out to shut the horse off.

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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #273 on: 20 September 2012, 11:52:17 »

A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

des.allen

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #274 on: 20 September 2012, 14:43:12 »


Buddhism and Mystery

    A man is driving along a very rough road in Tibet and breaks down near
    a Buddhist monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and
    says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?



    The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
    As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like
    no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks
    what the sound was, but they say, we can't tell you because you're not
    a monk.



    The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry
    way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same
    monastery.



    The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..



    That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had
    heard years earlier.



    The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,



    We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



    The man says, all right, all right.. I'm dying to know.



    If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk,
    how do I become a monk?



    The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades
    of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find
    these numbers, you will become a monk.



    The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns
    and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the
    earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you
    had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
    231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



    The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now
    accepted as one of us.



    We shall now show you the way to the sound.



    The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the
    sound is behind that door..



    The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I
    have the key?



    The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.



    Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man
    requests the key to the stone door.



    The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made
    of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind
    that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on
    until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...



    ....silver, topaz, and amethyst.



    Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .



    The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the
    knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that
    strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

















    .... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

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Don't even think about it!
« Reply #275 on: 21 September 2012, 20:27:29 »

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness.  Now, you probably won't remember but you were in a
pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay; you'll walk again
and everything but something bad happened. I'm trying to break this
gently but the fact is that your willy was chopped off in the wreck
and we were unable to find it."

The man groans but the doctor goes on, "We understand you've got £9000
in insurance compensation coming your way when you claim. We have the
technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your
old one did - better in fact! But the thing is it doesn't come cheap:
it's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.  So," the doctor says, "It's for you to
decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd need to
discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five incher before and
you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
However, if you had a nine incher before, and you decide only to
invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's
very important that she is involved in the decision."

The man agrees to talk to his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you
spoken to your wife?"

"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."
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Plomien

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #276 on: 21 September 2012, 20:51:13 »

My girlfriend was putting sun cream on."Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.
"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."
"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"
And that was all the invitation I needed . . .
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Martian

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #277 on: 22 September 2012, 18:02:04 »

Message to all muslims:

China says Mohammed takes it up the $hitter.......pick a fight with that lot!!
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tidla

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #278 on: 23 September 2012, 20:32:22 »

Females are the only known objects that defy a basic law of gravity.

The more they weigh, the easier they are to pick up.
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Elite Pete

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #279 on: 23 September 2012, 20:42:49 »

Females are the only known objects that defy a basic law of gravity.

The more they weigh, the easier they are to pick up.

 ;D ;D ;D :y
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Tonka.

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #280 on: 24 September 2012, 20:12:22 »

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the UK for the first time was beingwined and dined by Downing Street.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.)
and was constantly sending hismanservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,


"A man is sitting on the well!"
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they just make the best of everything they have.

Nickbat

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Re: Don't even think about it!
« Reply #281 on: 25 September 2012, 22:09:16 »

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness.  Now, you probably won't remember but you were in a
pile-up on the motorway.  You're going to be okay; you'll walk again
and everything but something bad happened. I'm trying to break this
gently but the fact is that your willy was chopped off in the wreck
and we were unable to find it."

The man groans but the doctor goes on, "We understand you've got £9000
in insurance compensation coming your way when you claim. We have the
technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your
old one did - better in fact! But the thing is it doesn't come cheap:
it's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.  So," the doctor says, "It's for you to
decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd need to
discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five incher before and
you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
However, if you had a nine incher before, and you decide only to
invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's
very important that she is involved in the decision."

The man agrees to talk to his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you
spoken to your wife?"

"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."

Brilliant! Thanks for sharing that.  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #282 on: 29 September 2012, 13:04:18 »

An old one but worthy of repeat

The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #283 on: 30 September 2012, 12:28:11 »

I was at at Asda buying a bag of Bakers Choice for my dog, while in the check-out line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Bakers Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensiv...e care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Bakers Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a kerb to sniff a poodle's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

des.allen

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #284 on: 30 September 2012, 19:02:39 »

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