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Please play nicely.  No one wants to listen/read a keyboard warriors rants....

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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 171769 times)

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henryd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #285 on: 01 October 2012, 22:57:31 »

My girlfriend wanted to be on the Jeremy Kyle show,so I shagged her sister and got her pregnant.

we're on next week :D
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Nickbat

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #286 on: 01 October 2012, 23:00:20 »

My girlfriend wanted to be on the Jeremy Kyle show,so I shagged her sister and got her pregnant.

we're on next week :D

 ;D ;D ;D
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millwall

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #287 on: 05 October 2012, 19:38:54 »

More scandel at the BBC as someone Is now saying they saw Rod Hull fisting a young bird. ;D ;D

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dbug

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Mohammad
« Reply #288 on: 06 October 2012, 14:28:02 »

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin." Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.

"What happened to you, Kevin? she asked.

"Well ma'am, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two fecking Arabs."
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SIR Philbutt

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #289 on: 07 October 2012, 20:39:36 »

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
 
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.' ...
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SIR Philbutt

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #290 on: 09 October 2012, 21:46:06 »

A skinny little man goes into a LIFT looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
 
The big guy sees the little man staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The LITTLE man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
 
The big dude says,
'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...................
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little whiteman says:

'Turner Brown'?     .......Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!
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Sehen

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #291 on: 10 October 2012, 00:50:46 »

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming like all the passengers in his car........  :o
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How to handle negative people
« Reply #292 on: 10 October 2012, 22:57:41 »

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 

"Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?" 

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"   

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"   

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."   

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..." 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome   

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.   

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a 5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."   

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me" 

"Oh, really!  What'd he say?"     

 

 

He said: "Who the feck did your hair?"

 :)

 

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Plomien

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #293 on: 11 October 2012, 09:16:45 »

I've just bought my wife one of those pug dogs as a surprise present, Despite the squashed nose, wonky eyes and trouble breathing due to the weight gain over the years,  the dog seems to like her.
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Plomien

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #294 on: 11 October 2012, 09:20:41 »

Women talk too much, but that's no problem for men because male ear is selective!

When a woman says:
"This house is a mess, Honey.
You and I need to clean this
Your stuff is all on the floor
You will be without clothes
if you don't wash them now!!!"

The male ear only understands:
bla,bla,bla,bla, Honey
bla,bla,bla,bla You and I
bla,bla,bla,bla, on the floor
bla,bla,bla,bla, without clothes
bla,bla,bla,bla, Now.. !!!
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scimmy_man

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #295 on: 11 October 2012, 10:51:52 »

It's nearly halloween, and i need an outfit to scare the kids with -
 anyone got a gold shell suit blonde wig,
jewellery and a cigar i can borrow ?
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Crazycarzowner

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #296 on: 12 October 2012, 18:06:49 »

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.

I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the bloody pub.
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waspy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #297 on: 12 October 2012, 18:25:10 »

I'm not sure who invented the Halal Meat Slicer, but I'm sure Abu Hamza had a hand in it ;D
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Nickbat

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #298 on: 24 October 2012, 12:53:18 »

It's terrible all these things people are saying about Jimmy Savile. He was good to me.

When I was eight he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded. ;)
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #299 on: 24 October 2012, 20:48:50 »

An Arab Sheikh was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.

Prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arose.

As he had a rare blood type, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.


Finally a Scotsman was located with a similar blood type and he willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

Immediately after the surgery- to show his appreciation for giving his blood - the Arab sent the Scotsman

a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of weeks later the Arab had to go through more corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman

a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked, so he phoned the Arab & said: "I thought you would be generous again

but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street."

"Aye laddie," the Arab replied: " But I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?
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