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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 172593 times)

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Nickbat

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #300 on: 24 October 2012, 23:11:38 »

Just got one of those annoying texts:

Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Savile and could be entitled to £2,147 in compensation. Just reply "how's about that then" to register or to opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop". Register before the end of the month and get a free "Lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.

 ;D
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Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #301 on: 25 October 2012, 13:58:43 »

I've just bought my wife one of those pug dogs as a surprise present, Despite the squashed nose, wonky eyes and trouble breathing due to the weight gain over the years,  the dog seems to like her.


 ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D   ;D

Love it !
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Omegatoy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #302 on: 30 October 2012, 07:19:45 »

Manure...  An  interesting fact
  Manure  :   In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be  transported by ship and it was also before the  invention of commercial fertilizers, so large  shipments of manure were quite  common
It was shipped  dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than  when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did  it become heavier, but the process of fermentation  began again, of which a by product is methane gas of  course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles  you can see what could (and did) happen.   
Methane  began to build up below decks and the first time  someone came below at night with a lantern,  BOOOOM!
   Several ships  were destroyed in this manner before it was determined  just what was happening   


After  that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with  the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them,  which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off  the lower decks so that any water that came into the  hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the  production of methane.

   Thus evolved  the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit) which has  come down through the centuries and is still in use to this very day. 
You  probably did not know the true history of this  word. 

Neither did I.   
I  had always thought it was a golf term ;D

tunnie

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #303 on: 01 November 2012, 16:37:38 »

New drink just invented, its called the Sandy. Its a watered down Manhattan.
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Seniors football
« Reply #304 on: 05 November 2012, 23:08:49 »

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says, 'Goal.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'One each, tie score”....'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 2 to 1.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'2- 2, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
' I lead 3 to 2.' Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

 :y
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #305 on: 06 November 2012, 21:17:50 »

Manure...  An  interesting fact
  Manure  :   In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be  transported by ship and it was also before the  invention of commercial fertilizers, so large  shipments of manure were quite  common
It was shipped  dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than  when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did  it become heavier, but the process of fermentation  began again, of which a by product is methane gas of  course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles  you can see what could (and did) happen.   
Methane  began to build up below decks and the first time  someone came below at night with a lantern,  BOOOOM!
   Several ships  were destroyed in this manner before it was determined  just what was happening   


After  that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with  the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them,  which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off  the lower decks so that any water that came into the  hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the  production of methane.

   Thus evolved  the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit) which has  come down through the centuries and is still in use to this very day. 
You  probably did not know the true history of this  word. 

Neither did I.   
I  had always thought it was a golf term ;D




An Oldie but still bladdy EPIC! ;D ;D ;D :y
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Tonka.

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #306 on: 07 November 2012, 22:24:01 »


"Hello, Your Majesty, I've got great news!!"
"Hello? Hello?...........Can you hear me?"
"Damn AT & T"
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Seamus
« Reply #307 on: 09 November 2012, 13:28:38 »

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*** would you say?'
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Wrong Switch Tony......flicking the wrong bit for 50 years

Sir Tigger QC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #308 on: 10 November 2012, 10:37:13 »

Why do men become clever dicks whilst having sex with a woman?  ???

Because they're plugged into a 'Know it all' !!!  :)
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Sir Tigger QC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #309 on: 10 November 2012, 21:21:25 »

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Sir Tigger QC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #310 on: 14 November 2012, 22:00:00 »

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

Look Frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
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Tainted Tony

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #311 on: 16 November 2012, 21:12:42 »

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
 

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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SteveAvfc.

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The Wife.
« Reply #312 on: 17 November 2012, 19:20:11 »

The wife walked in last night and took her bra of, with a cheeky wink she said "suck my titties". F@@k off !! i said they've been on the floor.  ;D ;D ;D ;D 
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #313 on: 17 November 2012, 19:21:07 »

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
 

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Like that ;D ;D ;D
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #314 on: 18 November 2012, 10:10:26 »

One for Cem now his English is so good and indeed any of our none English native speaker forum members!

Sign on company bulletin board:

 “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?
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