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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 188747 times)

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scimmy_man

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #330 on: 15 December 2012, 17:58:31 »

Paddy is baffled by his orange penis. The Doctor asks him "Does anyone else in your family have this condition?" Paddy says "No". "Do you handle any chemicals at work?" "I dont work" Paddy replies. "Well what do you do all day?" the doctor asks. Paddy says "Watch porn and eat Wotsits"
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Tonka.

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #331 on: 18 December 2012, 23:11:05 »

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10%, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was lying dead on their porch . . . 
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acope

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #332 on: 19 December 2012, 18:15:27 »


 
 
Sainsbury's scam

Please BE WARNED!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern
European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into
Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an
experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over
to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both
start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip,

they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another
supermarket, in my case, Tesco's

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they
start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull
over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately,
and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your
wallet!
I had my wallet stolen Sept 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th. On October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and
twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for
this scam.


The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.


P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl
wallets are £1.75 and look better.
 
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henryd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #333 on: 20 December 2012, 13:27:24 »


 
 
Sainsbury's scam

Please BE WARNED!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern
European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into
Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an
experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over
to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both
start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip,

they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another
supermarket, in my case, Tesco's

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they
start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull
over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately,
and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your
wallet!
I had my wallet stolen Sept 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th. On October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and
twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for
this scam.


The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.


P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl
wallets are £1.75 and look better.

Lol,oldie but still good :y :y
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #334 on: 20 December 2012, 17:03:07 »

A couple of jokes before we all go

1st Mayan civil servant to a second Mayan civil servant
"Come on lets have a beer it wont be the end of the world if we never finish this calendar!"


1st Mayan civil servant
" God writing this calendar is just so boring and repetetive. Do you think we should try and explain the concept of infinity one more time !"
2nd Mayan civil servant
" you can P*** off I´m a contractor"

If the Mayans had been any good at predicting the future there would still be Mayans....
« Last Edit: 20 December 2012, 17:05:13 by Varche »
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scimmy_man

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #335 on: 24 December 2012, 16:11:49 »

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.  'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. 15 in the National School Rugby Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go.But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts,with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”   

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton and she was wet !

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c***?'

I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
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PhilRich

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #336 on: 24 December 2012, 22:57:09 »

Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? …but just for the Christmas period. ::)
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PhilRich

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #337 on: 24 December 2012, 22:59:22 »

A beautiful and amorous Santa groupie decided she was going to give Santa a present he wouldn’t forget. So she puts on a negligee, sheer panties and a robe, and sits next to the fireplace on Christmas Eve.
 
Around midnight, Santa drops down the chimney and places some presents under the tree. He is about to leave when the young woman says in her sexiest voice, “Oh Santa, please stay. Help me keep the chill away.”
 
Santa replies, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
 
The girl drops her robe to reveal the see-through nightie and pleads, “Oh Santa, don’t go so soon. Let’s go to the couch and spoon.”
 
Santa, feeling flushed, replies, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
 
The girl takes off her top and says, “Oh, Santa. Please stay. Help me celebrate Christmas Day.”
 
Santa’s eyes get wide, but he still answers, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
 
Finally, she slips off her panties, winks at him, and says, “Oh, Santa… Please…”
 
With a smile, Santa says, “HEY HEY HEY! Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can’t get up the chimney with my D**k in the way!!!”
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PhilRich

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #338 on: 24 December 2012, 23:02:20 »

With all the hustle and the bustle of Christmas........we all need a good laugh, so thought I would post this thread in hopes of bringing immediate smiles to all the good girls and boys in oof land..........lol

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there
He touched her neck
Then felt
her breast
Then drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set
He gave a
joyous cry
The hole was wide........
He looked inside
All was dark and murky
He rubbed his hands
And stretched his arms.........
And then he stuffed the
turkey.
May I be the first to wish your dirty little mind a merry
Christmas.
Hope you all have a good one,  :y
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PhilRich

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #339 on: 24 December 2012, 23:07:15 »

Mike walks into a Pub with a newt on his shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

    'Tiny', answers Mike.
   'Why's that?' enquires the barmaid.
   'Because he's my newt' of course, said Mike.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #340 on: 26 December 2012, 10:25:09 »

Things learned from Christmas TV:

All crimes are solved in 1 hour.

The Good guy always wins.

When you’re trapped, you always find a way out.

A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.

All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.

When you’re a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.
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dbug

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Christmas Joke
« Reply #341 on: 28 December 2012, 17:31:22 »

Cop & His Horse

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir'  the little girl said,  'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a  safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said 'Next year tell Santa, the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
       
 ::) ::) ;)
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #342 on: 29 December 2012, 11:49:57 »

DSlug had been an Omega afficinado for years and had just got married......He was in the garage one morning prepping his MV6 for a blast when the wife walked in and in a demure voice said.......

'Hey Slug, perhaps now that we are married you might think about giving up the car maintenance and maybe sell the Omega...

Slug clutched at his heart, his face in contorted horror...

'Whats the matter honey'? The wife asked worriedly...

'Just for a second then, you sounded like my ex-wife' stammered Slug...

'Whaaaat!!' shrieked his wife ' I didn't know you were married before?'

' I wasn't' whispered Slug!
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #343 on: 31 December 2012, 09:45:24 »

The Scouser and the Gay Man

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a Scouser
(SOMEONE BORN AND BRED IN LIVERPOOL)having a few beers,
when a short, well dressed, and obviously
gay man walked in and sat beside him.


After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to
say a few  words to the Scouser.  Leaning over towards him,
he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and
smacked the shit out of the gay man.
Knocking him clean off his stool, he proceeded to beat him
all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and
battered in the car park and returning to his seat.


Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to
the Scouser,  and said, "I've never seen you react like that.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Scouser replied. "Something about a job."
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dbug

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Texttalk for oldies
« Reply #344 on: 02 January 2013, 00:13:20 »

Here’s something to speed up your texting!

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD - At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM - Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


 :y
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