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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 116516 times)

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deviator

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #900 on: 09 March 2018, 14:22:23 »

I was at the zoo the other day and I saw a bagette in a cage. I stopped a member of staff to ask what it was all about, she explained it was 'Bread in captivity'.
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ronnyd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #901 on: 10 March 2018, 19:24:29 »

I was at the zoo the other day and I saw a bagette in a cage. I stopped a member of staff to ask what it was all about, she explained it was 'Bread in captivity'.
Quite liked that  ;D
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #902 on: 12 March 2018, 23:44:59 »


Apologies in advance  . . . . .  ::)     :-X     :-X

Nicked from another forum


The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Now let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!


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deviator

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #903 on: 14 March 2018, 13:30:48 »

Given recent posts, now is probably (not) the time to post this.....

The wife said to me last night, 'You're not listening are you?'
I thought that's a strange way to start a conversation.
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #904 on: 14 March 2018, 19:12:34 »

Given recent posts, now is probably (not) the time to post this.....

The wife said to me last night, 'You're not listening are you?'
I thought that's a strange way to start a conversation.

Deja-vu all over again. :y
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #905 on: 17 May 2018, 19:21:05 »

THESE DAYS ARE  COMING? A Group of Old Boys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because the waitresses had big tits and wore mini-skirts.     Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.      Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.     Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should  meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a loo for the disabled.     Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.   Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Scarborough because they had never been there before.
 
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Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #906 on: 18 May 2018, 15:41:02 »


I think I might have screwed up. Several of us local retired pilots were asked to address a junior high gathering put on by the PTA.  I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage to myself.  I talked about staying in school, getting good grades, and all that usual bullshit; and since I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions.
The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?”
 
I said, “That's an easy one. Looking back over my 8 decades, I believe I've spent close to 90% of my earnings on booze and whores. The rest I just wasted."
 
I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:
 
1) If it flies, floats, or f**ks, it's cheaper to rent it.
 
2) If it's got tits or tires, you're gonna have problems with it.
 
I hope they invite me back next year, so I can finish.
 
They need to know this stuff!
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