Omega Owners Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

News:

Search the maintenance guides for answers to 99.999% of Omega questions

Pages: 1 ... 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 [62] 63   Go Down

Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 138876 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Mister Rog

  • Omega Baron
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Wales
  • Posts: 2239
    • Volvo XC70
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #915 on: 30 July 2018, 23:24:28 »



My wife was rummaging through her wardrobe the other day, trying stuff on as they do.

She turned and said "look at this, it still fits me, even after 25 years!"












But it's a scarf . . . . . !!!!!



 
Logged
“The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.” Billy Connolly

Sir Tigger QC

  • Omega Queen
  • ********
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • West Dorset
  • Posts: 14835
    • BMW 530d & a Ford
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #916 on: 11 September 2018, 16:45:21 »

Logged
RIP Paul 'Luvvie' Lovejoy

JC is not The Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!!

ronnyd

  • Omega Baron
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Bury St Edmunds Suffolk
  • Posts: 4380
    • 51 CDX 2.2 saloon gold
    • View Profile
Logged

Migv6

  • Omega Lord
  • *******
  • Offline Offline
  • Webs End.
  • Posts: 5188
    • 3.2 Elite & Merc 190D.
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #918 on: 11 September 2018, 22:23:53 »

A turkey is standing at the side of the road trying cross. A chicken walks past and says "don't do it mate, you will never hear the end of it".
Logged
Wish I didn't know now, what I didn't know then.

deviator

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Chesterfield
  • Posts: 961
    • View Profile
Logged
FCR and cam lock off kit available. Deposit maybe required. Contact me.

Mr Skrunts

  • Over Active Thyroid
  • *********
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Skruntie Land.
  • Posts: 23748
  • 3.O Elite Saloon with all the toys,
    • 1999 (T) Omega Elite 3.0
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #920 on: 18 September 2018, 15:25:07 »

A flat chested young woman goes out looking for a new bra one day.

She tries shop after shop trying to find a size 28A yet she can't get one anywhere.

Finally, in desperation, she tries her fortunes in a little unmentionables shop run by an woman who's hard of hearing.

"Have you got anything in size 28A?" asks the young woman.

"What was that, dear?" says the old woman.

The young woman repeats herself again.

Still the old woman can't hear her, so the young woman lifts up her T-shirt baring her breasts and says, "Have you got anything for these?"

The old woman peers at the woman's boobs and says, "No, dear. Have you tried Clearasil?"
Logged
Ask yourself :  " WHY do I believe what I believe?"

Remember that my opinions expressed here are not representative of the opinions of other members on the OOF Forum.

deviator

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Chesterfield
  • Posts: 961
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #921 on: 20 September 2018, 12:56:21 »

Whoever has stolen my Office CD, I'm going to kill you, you have my Word.
Logged
FCR and cam lock off kit available. Deposit maybe required. Contact me.

tigers_gonads

  • Moaning Haddock Head
  • *
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Kinston Upon Hull
  • Posts: 8298
    • 02 Mv6 Estate (lpg'd)
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #922 on: 28 September 2018, 11:54:35 »

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be a quiet one in Essex.

As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the unusual shaped coffin was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.".......   ;D
Logged
Please note, 95% of my posts are piss take or banter and should always be taken as so.

Please feel free to give it back in the same spirit.

tigers_gonads

  • Moaning Haddock Head
  • *
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Kinston Upon Hull
  • Posts: 8298
    • 02 Mv6 Estate (lpg'd)
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #923 on: 28 September 2018, 12:10:27 »

Logged
Please note, 95% of my posts are piss take or banter and should always be taken as so.

Please feel free to give it back in the same spirit.

Entwood

  • Omega Queen
  • ********
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • North Wiltshire
  • Posts: 18953
  • Quietly Confident
    • Elite 3.2 V6 (LPG)
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #924 on: 02 October 2018, 23:09:49 »

A wife asks her software engineer husband - "Hey, could you go to the shop for me and get a litre of milk? And if they have eggs, get six."

The husband returns with six litres of milk. - "Why on earth did you buy six liters of milk??" asks the bewildered wife.

"They had eggs."

........................................................................

There are 10 different types of people who understand binary .....  those who do and those who don't .....   
Logged
V6 Cam locking/setting kit, Maxscan GS500 OBDII code reader/EML resetter available.  

Varche

  • Omega Queen
  • ********
  • Online Online
  • Gender: Male
  • middle of Andalucia
  • Posts: 10919
  • Emeritus Omega owner, found it
    • Golf Est,4x4 bus,Corsa1.2
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #925 on: 03 October 2018, 15:53:28 »

 ;D ;D
Logged
My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Migv6

  • Omega Lord
  • *******
  • Offline Offline
  • Webs End.
  • Posts: 5188
    • 3.2 Elite & Merc 190D.
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #926 on: 11 October 2018, 13:25:47 »

Someone is tipping a wheelbarrow full of topsoil on my allotment every night. The plot thickens. 
Logged
Wish I didn't know now, what I didn't know then.

Shackeng

  • Omega Lord
  • *******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Ramsbury
  • Posts: 6958
    • 3.2 Elite 2.0 TitX Mondeo
    • View Profile
Rules for rednecks
« Reply #927 on: 28 October 2018, 09:54:54 »

Subject: Tips for Rednecks

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using your OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested, for example: 'I've been wanting to get you in the sack since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat so much for a fat gal.'

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack at this time.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. When out lamping, dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
Logged

Mister Rog

  • Omega Baron
  • ******
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Wales
  • Posts: 2239
    • Volvo XC70
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #928 on: 04 November 2018, 09:37:09 »


A little boy asks his dad . . . ''Dad, why is my sister called Teresa''?

Wel" says Dad, it's an anagram of Easter and your mum likes Easter.

OK dad, thanks for explaining.

No problem Alan, anytime.

Logged
“The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.” Billy Connolly

dave the builder

  • Omega Knight
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Gender: Male
  • Derbyshire
  • Posts: 1035
    • omega b2 2.6 cdxi
    • View Profile
Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #929 on: 09 November 2018, 18:47:41 »

Logged
Pages: 1 ... 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 [62] 63   Go Up
 

Page created in 0.114 seconds with 21 queries.