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Please play nicely.  No one wants to listen/read a keyboard warriors rants....

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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 163449 times)

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henryd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #930 on: 14 November 2018, 18:13:17 »

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #931 on: 20 November 2018, 13:55:29 »

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings. He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this oppsin phone belongs to?"
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Sir Tigger QC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #932 on: 25 November 2018, 16:39:13 »

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RIP Paul 'Luvvie' Lovejoy

JC is not The Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!!

Shackeng

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #933 on: 20 December 2018, 19:47:31 »

Apologies if this has been on before. I still think it is funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttrzG5F4R3o
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78bex

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #934 on: 03 January 2019, 23:33:39 »

2 men in advancing years are walking thru a farmers field & hear a little voice calling them

They look down & a talking frog tells them she has been cursed by a wicked witch

If one of the men picks her up & kisses her, he will be rewarded by young maiden who will serve him for the rest of his life.

The only man who can manage, bends down & picks up the frog: he stares at it & slips it into his pocket & the 2 men continue walking thru the field.

After some time the other man says; "you lucky bugger; if I was you I`d be kissing that frog."
After some thought the man takes the frog out of pocket & says; "no at this point in my live I`d prefer to have a talking frog "
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Sir Tigger QC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #935 on: 03 February 2019, 23:05:07 »

Viagra!



It won't make you James Bond.  :( 



But it will make you Roger Moore!  :y
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RIP Paul 'Luvvie' Lovejoy

JC is not The Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!!

Sir Tigger QC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #936 on: 18 March 2019, 16:46:36 »

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon said " Electricians are the best, as everything inside is colour coded. "

The second surgeon said " No, I think librarians are, as everything inside is laid out in alphabetical order. "

The third surgeon shut them both up when he said " You're both wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine. Plus the head and the butt are interchangable! "
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RIP Paul 'Luvvie' Lovejoy

JC is not The Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!!

btc

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #937 on: 30 April 2019, 18:08:36 »


So I'm at Pets at Home buying a bag of dog food for the brats

While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog

Why else would I be buying dog food muppet ?

So being twisted andy I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks!

I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)

Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's arse and a lorry hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Now that you've read this I have to confess, I stole it from another page! Now go make someone else laugh
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Auto Addict

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #938 on: 09 May 2019, 17:33:02 »

Wife 'That broom handle has given me blisters'.

Husband 'Take the car next time'.
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Sir Tigger QC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #939 on: 23 May 2019, 09:41:40 »

What does a dwarf get if he runs through a woman's legs?

A clit round the ear and a flap in the face!
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RIP Paul 'Luvvie' Lovejoy

JC is not The Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!!

Raeturbo

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #940 on: 26 May 2019, 16:00:32 »

An englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub and the barman says.. ‘is this some kind of a joke?’
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Sir Tigger QC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #941 on: 28 July 2019, 00:47:52 »

Me: Can I have a go in the hedge now?

Hedgehog: No!
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RIP Paul 'Luvvie' Lovejoy

JC is not The Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!!

Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #942 on: 06 August 2019, 18:05:38 »

Do you want a bj?

Yes please!

It is with a piranha

Then no thanks

You can't change your mind now, a bj means a bj
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My doctor has diagnosed me as paranoid. I wonder who else he has told?

Raeturbo

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #943 on: 06 August 2019, 21:23:57 »

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
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dave the builder

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #944 on: 13 August 2019, 18:52:05 »

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