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Please play nicely.  No one wants to listen/read a keyboard warriors rants....

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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 163476 times)

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PhilRich

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #120 on: 31 May 2012, 11:36:07 »

It was like a scene from Baywatch. Three girls were being
interviewed for the job of lifeguard and each was asked the
question: “What would you do if you saw someone fall off a
boat?”
The first said she would race immediately into the water and
swim out to rescue them.
The second said she would radio for a medical team to be
waiting and then swim out to rescue them.
The third said she would get one of the other lifeguards to
go out while she waited on shore for help.
Now which girl got the job?
Duh! the one with big tits of course  ::).
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PhilRich

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #121 on: 31 May 2012, 11:40:28 »

After spending six months in a desert outpost, the new
recruit goes to see his Commanding Officer.
“I’m sorry, Sir, but this place is driving me nuts. If only we
had some female company.”
“Well, I can’t do anything about that, son,” replies the
officer,
“but we do have something else. There’s a barrel over there
with a hole in the side and you’ll find that will help to relieve
your frustrations. You’re free to use it any day but
Wednesday.”
“Thank you, Sir,” replies the recruit, “but why can’t I use it
on Wednesday?”
“Well, it’s all based on a sharing system and on Wednesdays
it’s your turn in the barrel.”
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Dishevelled Den

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #122 on: 31 May 2012, 11:54:04 »


Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation//....




 ;D ;D ;D ;D Splendid.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #123 on: 31 May 2012, 12:48:16 »

COPPER WIRE


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely nothing. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."


Makes you proud to be British.
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Dishevelled Den

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #124 on: 31 May 2012, 12:55:41 »


COPPER WIRE//....






 ;D ;D ;D ;D another top ten-er. :y
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #125 on: 01 June 2012, 10:26:12 »

Life in the Australian Army

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland).

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of pi$$!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,

Sheila

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PhilRich

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #126 on: 01 June 2012, 22:23:06 »

An 'Oldie', but still a bloody howler Varche! ;D ;D :y
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dbug

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HEADLINES FROM 2030?
« Reply #127 on: 02 June 2012, 21:45:41 »

 

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions .

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK's third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa:  Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet is unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Jose Manuel Rodriguez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human  rights. Victims to be held only partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford won this years FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1.

 
 
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PhilRich

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #128 on: 02 June 2012, 22:06:13 »

I'm laughing dbug, but most of that is too close to the truth for comfort matey! ;D
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horsecow

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #129 on: 03 June 2012, 12:06:44 »

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He says ''This is the pig I have to sleep with when your not around''. His wife jumps up and says ''you silly idiot thats not a pig its a sheep''!! Man  replies ''I was talking to the sheep''!!
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #130 on: 04 June 2012, 19:45:34 »

Little Jonny came into the house for dinner after playing with his friend Sally. His parents asked him what he'd been doing all afternoon.
He said, 'I played football for a while and then I proposed to Sally.'
His parents thought that was really sweet and, not wanting to make fun of him, went along with the idea. His father said, 'But, Jonny, you know being married is an expensive business. How are you going to manage?'
'Well,' said Jonny, 'with the seven pounds I get each week from you and the five pounds she gets from her Mum and Dad, we should be OK. I can always get a paper round.'
Suppressing a smile, his mother said, 'That's all very well darling. But how will you and Sally manage if you have a baby?'
'Well,' said Jonny, 'so far - touch wood - we've been lucky......' 
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #131 on: 05 June 2012, 15:21:25 »

Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a woman  came up to him and asked "are you that bloke from the 70's who did "two little boys?""

"no" Rolf replied, "that was Gary Glitter"
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #132 on: 05 June 2012, 20:25:25 »

25 REASONS I OWE
> MY MOTHER 
 

  1.   My mother taught me  TO APPRECIATE A
 JOB WELL  DONE   . 
 "If you're going to kill each other, do it
 outside. I just finished cleaning." 
 2.   My mother  taught me RELIGION .   "You better pray that will come out of the carpet                                                                   3.   My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL   "If you don't straighten up,  I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"      4.   My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."                                                                                                5.   My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.> >  "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."  6.   My mother taught me FORESIGHT   "Make  sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're hit by a  bus."                                   7.   My mother taught me IRONY  "Keep crying, and I'll  give you something to cry about." 
8.   My mothet taught me about the science of OSMOSIS "Shut your mouth and eat your tea." 
9.   My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM..   "Just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!" 
10..   My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all those brussel sprouts are gone." 
11.   My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a cyclone went through it." 
12.   My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 
13.   My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it." 
14.   My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION."Stop acting like your father!" 
15.   My mother  taught me about ENVY."There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents     like you do." 
16.   My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.."Just wait until your Father gets home." 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.."You are going to get it when you get home!" 
18.   My mother taught me MEDICAL  SCIENCE .. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going  to freeze that way." 
19.   My mother taught me ESP. "Put a jumper on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20.   My mother taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21.   My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 
22.   My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 
23.   My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 
24.   My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 
25. And my favourite:   My mother taught me about JUSTICE."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
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Entwood

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #133 on: 05 June 2012, 20:41:04 »

 :y :y :y :y :y

 :) :) :) :) :)
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Martian

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #134 on: 06 June 2012, 10:05:56 »

As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.
 
"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.
 
"I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."
 
He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."
 
"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"
 
"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."
 
Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.
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